Newspaper Page Text
TTBARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN. ATLANTA. OX. SUNDAY. MAT* 23. 1915.
f f *■ :
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p.
Busted Romances
By T. E. Powers
The Famous Cartoonist
' v ’>"*Tl#ht, lftlfi, by tbs Btsr Company. Orsst Britain Right* Ressrvod.
DEMMIS O’SHAY SAW THU BEAUTIFUL
A^IS5(5oTRox DNOP HER PUR5E
AMD DIO DENWIS OSHAY DECODE
PRESIDENT OF GoT^oX GoED
Minihq Corporation?
i
r <
HE HANDED ITTo HER IN HI5 BEST
CHESTERFIELD IAN MANNER
|/M PLEA5EDD*
To MEETYoose,
K SHAKE.'
J
HE
DID
NOT
DID SHE TAKE HIM. KoA\E AND
INTRODUCE HjMTo HER FATHER?
Pa This is
ah Howesr,
l MAH
DID OLD QOTROX SEND HIM'
To COLLET Q-E ?
SHE COUNTED OUT THE MONEY
AND FOUND THE $ 10,000
ALL THERE .
THEM SHE GAVE HIM A CANADIAN
DIME AND HE BouqH'UHlM, 5ELF
AN AUTOMOBILE
PIWQI
DlNq
Gen. Grouch,
Commander-in-Chief of the
Pessimists,
Says:
Copyright, 1MB. by tha Star Company.
Great Britain Right* Reaer^ed.
O
NCE there wai a woman who
got dreeaed In time, but her
clock wat two hours faat.
He who laugh* loudest isn’t pay*
Ing the bill*.
Woman certainly CAN hold her
tongue—if she uaea both hand*.
Love Is like a corkscrew—an
awful bore, but necessary.
Happiness Is that time we are
always going to have tomorrow.
Woman has only one way, and
that Is her own.
Poverty la no crime—neither la
sciatica.
Don’t pity the people who wear
out; think of the fun they’ve had.
Pity only those who ruat out.
Wine, women and—the poor
debtor’s court.
It la Juat as foolish to appeal to
a man’s sense of honor as It la to
appeal to a woman’s reason.
There Is one thing the gold cure
Is sure to relieve, and that la
poverty.
You can skid into debt, but you
have to crawl out.
Hope whets the appetlt., but
only Hustle sets the table.
There’s nothing lika hard cash
for a soft snap.
Sins, Likt
l Chickens,
» Corns Home
to Roost—
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
But They
Don’t Go to
Bleep With 8a
Little Fuss.
VOL. V.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday 23, 1915.
NO. 32.
The Smile’s Great Timelock Foams, The Great Detective
Inventions
STAFF OF SCIENTISTS
AGAIN BENEFITS
HUMANITY.
Marvelous device perfected
for tearing off half of round
trip tickets.
Machines absolutely free to
our readers on payment of
freight.
A LL travelers know what
■ nuisance it is tearing
off half of a round trip
ticket.
As a rule, it Is almoet impos
sible to tear one evenly.
Our staff of scientists, ever
alert to the needs of the pub
lic, has now done away with
this worry. All the traveler
ha* to do Is to send this office
S1.600.7R to pay freight and one
of our ticket-tearing machine*,
will be sent him free of cost.
Put this machine beside you
in the train. Place your ticket
in it Then when the conductor
comes along, press the lever,
lift up the lid, turn the crank
shut off the power, open the safe
and extract your ticket. Hand
It to the conductor. Shut the
safe, throw the engine Into
neutral, shut the lid and the
operation is over.
Get one. if you are going on
even s short trip. Invaluable
If your*re going to the Fair
The Mystery of the Spinach with the Smoked Tongue.
Continued from i.R«t Nundny.
“M'
Did You Know That—
Pig-iron Isn't a bit hoggish?
Pigskin U on the hog?
A pigtail Isn’t always on the
hog’
A small pig is always a pigmy,
but a pigmy isn’t always a small
eigf £ ,
[ERCY!" cried Foams,
grinding his teeth
Of all the chumps
I ever met, Poteon. you are the
chumpiest. Look, chump, look at
the smoked tongue. Ah, dl ml,
don't you see it, don’t you see it
now ?’’
"Sure,” I replied, "1 see the
tongue, but it looks perfectly
good to me In fact I wns about
to eat some of 1f myself ”
"Oh, gee!” cursed the great de
tective, now wildly ex.itert. for
the first time In his life—"Pots-
on, you'll drive me craxy." Foams
Jabbed himself e few tlmeR with
his hypo, played a couple of
operas on his fiddle, bent and
straightened the poker with his
fingers a few times and then,
greatly composed, aald, 'Surely,
Potaon. even a chump like you
can see that there's spinach un
der the tongue.”
‘Right," 1 answered, "and you
don’t like spinach."
”1 loathe It, Poteon, and, fur
ther, the landladg knows 1 cant
bear the sight of tt.”
"Ah, ha." -aid 1, “somebody
else put It there and it's poison
ed."
"Don’t be bo crude, Poteon;
somebody else put the spinach
there, but that somebody would
never resort to such a vulgar ex
pedlent as poison. And. Potson,
my dear chump, why should a
person poison a vegetable which
1 never eat?"
I turned pale Could the
scoundrel be after me?
Foams read my thoughts. “No,
Potson," said he. "this person
doesn't care a snap of his fingers
whether you are alive or dead.
He is after me, for well he know-s
I am the only detective in the
world with brains equal to his
own. It is Mortality, Potson"
The arch-criminal!
•'But what” I began.
“Very simple. Potson, If your
skull contained anything but cold
molasses. Mortality, as 1 can
tell by the smell, has plaoed spin
ach on every breakfast table In
this building He knows my an
tipathy to the vile vegetable, and
he calculated that In a fit o4 biry
1 would throw the platter out of
the window. Mortarlty la watch
ing the house now, and the mo
ment any spinach Is thrown out
he will mark the window and ex
terminate the occupants of that
room. But the aroh-crimtnal
(here Foams gnashed his teeth)
failed to recognize the Iron will
of the arch-detective, and he It
foiled again.”
"Marvelous, Foams, marvelous.”
said I.
That Is really the end of the
adventure, but as a sequel I em
barked on a small one of my own.
James T. Smithy, who has the
room above ours, also had an
accordion. Under the protext of
returning a morning paper 1 had
borrowed a week before, 1 called
on him In his room and contrived
to throw a plate of spinach out
of hls window Then I hastily
returned to our own diggings.
Foams, as usual, was right about
Morlarity’s plan, for I haven’t
heard the accordion since.
THE SMILE’S OWN
MOLECULE MOVIES
W 'ALL Street bachelor.
Vacation. Fishing rod.
Happiness,
Leaky row-boat Jupiter
Pluvius More rain. Clothes
wringing wet. Grippe. Pneu
monia. Much woe.
Hospital Gloomy doc. No
hope.
Pretty nurse Smiles Con
valescence. Hand clasps Dia
mond ring. Automobile. Preach
er’s home. Man and wife.
Caption for screen:
“Moral: It never rams but
11 pours."
(Passed by the Bamegat Board
fl l emurshttj
IN THE SMILE’S
LETTER BOX
TWO MUCH OF A PROBLEM.
T O THE EDITO R—Why
does a man run after a
car that he knows he
can’t catch?
JAMES M’GOOL,
New Brunswick, N. J.
YET ANOTHER QUESTION.
TO THE EDITOR—How does
an onion know enough to grow
up Instead of down ?
PHILIP FIENNES,
Babylon, L. I.
[’Snuff. Fur
ther queatlom
like the twi
above will be re
ferred to Bloom
ingdale.—Ed.]
ABOUT A CANARY.
TO THE EDITOR—Recently
I bought a canary, but the bloom
ing blighter won’t sing. Am I
downhearted? No! I wouldn’t
let the bird have anything on
me. so 1 whistle myself and the
canary ran go to the dickens.
THOMAS J. TIMKEN,
Brooklyn, N. Y.
[A good scheme
Thomas, a very
good acheme. We
suppose, if you
buys watchdog
that goes to sleep
you’ll run arounc
the house al
night on y o u i
handa and knees
barking at ever)
footstep you hear
Ed.]
Our Weekly Health Hint.
Before stepping on a tack,
hammer It Into the floor.
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS.
EXCHANGE — Will exchange
slightly used sandwich for more
or >»s grand piano.—T. J„ Smiis
otno%
The New E iclid
By •
Horatio Winslow!
Copyright, 1816, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rlg*hts Reserved.
* I ’HEOREM: Starting at any given point, a conversation is
hound to gravitate to the fixed topic L.
DEMONSTRATION:
Let X. represent Any Given Point—as, for Instance, the Price of
Second-hand Bibles In Muncle, Indiana, In the Year 1889.
THEN:
YOU
It IS Interesting Where did it come from?
SHE
W T hy, father bought It In Muncie, Indiana, in 1889 He was passing
through and saw It in a fnnny little second-hand shop,
YOU
Must have had to pay a big price for It.
SHE
No. That’s the strange part. He offered the storekeeper five dol- j
lars. but the man was an honest old German, who aald it wasn’t worth ‘
more than two and a half. So In the end papa compromised and gave
him three and took the book.
YOU
I d like -to meet that honest old German. I’d make money off him.
(Turning the pages.) Hello! Here’s an old list of family deaths.
SHE
And there on the other side are the births.
YOU
Makes me feel creepv Everybody down here has been dead fifty
years anyhow. (You turn the pages.) Marriages! What do you know
about that! I wogder if they lived happily ever after.
SHE lbefore you have a chance to say It).
Most people don’t.
YOU (rising to the bait).
I’m not so sure. I don’t see why a marriage can’t be happy If there’s
Love back of 1L
SHE
Yes, but what la Lore?
YOU
(shutting the Bible and putting the ancient volume back on the
music cabinet.)
Oh, you can’t put your finger on It and say. “This Is Love." But Just
the same I know there Is such a thing as Love because . . . etc., etc.
Q. E. D.
A SPRING LITANY
Copyright, 1916, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
F
OM cut-worms in the garden and from cut-throats in Wall Street,
from theatre ticket speculators and from the honest gold-brick sort—
From solder in fresh green peas and from sand in fresh beet
greens, from ten-volume histories of the war and from hyphenated
Americans—
From domestic camembert cheese and from peace envoys, from rumors
that Italy will go to war and from people who believe the war dispatches—
From agents with patent carpet beaters and from women who are
wearing furs, from temperance tonics and from discussions of war babies—
From people who believe the seed catalogues and from suburban trains
with hermetically sealed windows, from wrist watches on life-sized males
and from inside-laced shoes on all sizes of females—-
From window screens that won’t fit and from screen doors that fit too
much, from porch chairs that shed paint and from visitors who shed perfume
(so-called) —
From commuters who bring odorous phosphate fertilizers along on the
train in burlap bags, and from the descendants of Munchausen who write
Summer resort folder
From cartoonists who parody “Dropping the Pilot" and from modem
dramas founded on unexpurgated medical books, from four giggling girls
walking abreast on the sidewalk and from one son of Bacchus walking on
both sides of the sidewalk at once—
From mornings that look as dry as Death Valley and turn out to be
as wet as the Atlantic, and from aacendmg the Palisade* or a dimb across
Times Square—-
From this year’s two and a half-story straw lids and from file new
brand of horse-collar feminine neckwear, from the Spring news items from
Winstead, Ginn., and from foreign cartoonists’ conception of Unde Sam
From August weather in April and from December temperature in
May, from trying to help your wife select new wall paper or to avoid the
annual cleaning of your suburban home cellar—
OH. GENTLE SPRING. DELIVER US!
Copyright, 1P15. by the Ftar Company.
Great Britain Right* Reserved.
Ever Stop to Think-
T
HAT a little whiskey will I
make a man light-headed?
That a little peroxide
will do the same thing to a woman?
That no rewards are ever adver
tised for finding trouble?
That a lot of people keep on
looking for tL Just the same?
That every day the papers re
port brush? between French and
German trooiisl ,i
That they must be military
brushes?
That man is a queer creature?
That he'll get hot under the col
lar If you drop a piece of Ice down
Ms back?
That the easiest way to catch a
fish is to ctick a fork Into It when
the waiter puta it on the table?
That a British soldier recently
had both legs shot off by a cannon
ball? * A
That he can’t kick? .
That we’re been thinking about
going off to the war?
That that's why we haven t
gone?
That a barking dog neveT bites?
That a steam calliope doesn’t
either, but we don’t care to have
one around for all that?
That you can get theatre tickets
at cut rates, if you know how?
That barbers charge cut rates
ter trimming your hairl
That they sometimes collect the
same kind of rates for sharing?
That old King Cole wa* a Jolly
old soul?
That he wouldn't be nearly so
Jolly if he were king of England
right now?
That the papers say that a huge
stream of wealth la pouring Into
this country?
That a lot of us haven’t oven
62t ffui feet wet yet?
<1
t I
,