Newspaper Page Text
TTBARRT’S STJNDAT AMERICAN. ATLANTA. Q,V, SUNDAY. MAY 23. 1915.
Busted Romances
By T. E. Powers
The Famous Cartoonist
ISHfl. by th« Btar Company. Graat Britain Right*
DEMMIS O’SWAY SAW THE BEAUTIFUL
A\l55<ioTROX DROP HER PURSE
*
AND DID DENNIS O'SHAY BECOME
PRESIDENT or GoTRoX CrOtD
Mininq Corporation?
he HANDED ITTo HER IN HI5 BE5T
chesterpieldian Manner
Im Pleased fn?
To MEETYouse,
^ SHAKE, 1
HE
DID
NOT
DID SHE TAKE HIM HoME ANO
INTRODUCE H|MTo HER FATHER?
Pa This is
AH HOWESTj
(. aah
t
DID OLD C^OTROX SEND HIM’
To Collecte ?
SHE COUNTED OUT THE MONEY
AND FOUND THE $ I 0,000
ALL THERE,
them she qave him a Canadian
dime and HE BouqHT-tilM 5ELF
AN AUTOMOBILE
PIWQ;
DlHq
Gen. Grouch,
Commander-in-Chlef of the
Pessimists,
Says:
Ooprrlgtst. 1MB. by tha Star Company.
Great Britain Rigbta Reaer^ed.
O
NCE there wae « woman who
got dressed In time, but her
clock waa two hours faat.
He who laughe loudest isn’t pay
ing the bill*.
Woman certainly CAN hold her
tongue—if she uses both hsnds.
Love Is like a corkscrew—an
awful bore, but necessary.
Happiness It that time we are
always going to have to-morrow.
Woman has only one way, and
that Is her own.
Poverty It no crime—neither la
sciatica.
Don’t pity the people who wear
out; think of the fun they’ve had.
Pity only those who ruat out.
Wine, women and—the poor
debtor’s court.
It la Just as foolish to appeal to
a man’s sense of honor as It is to
sppeal to a woman’s reason.
There Is one thing the gold cure
Is sure to relieve, and that Is
poverty.
You can akid into debt, but you
have to crawl out.
Hope wheta the appetite, but
only Hustle sets the table.
There's nothing like hard cash
for a soft snap.
Sins, Like
Chickens,
Com. Hams
tS Roost—
VOL. V.
THE MORNING SMILE
WEX JONES Editor
But Th.y
Don’t Go to
Bleep With Bo
Little Fuea.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday 23, 1915.
NO. 32.
The Smile’s Great Timelock Foams, The Great Detective
Inventions
The Mygtery of the Spinach with the Smoked Tongue.
Continued from t not Nundny.
STAFF OF SCIENTISTS
AGAIN BENEFITS
HUMANITY.
Marvelous device perfected
for tearing off half of round
trip tickets.
Machines absolutely free to
our readers on payment of
freight.
A * - LL travelers know what
a nuisance it is tearing
oft half of a round trip
ticket.
i A* a rule. It 1* almost tmpos-
\ Bible to tear one evenly,
i \ Our staff of scientists, ever
«ert to the needs of the pub
lic has now done sway with
this worry All the traveler
has to do Is to send this office
$1,600.75 to pay freight and one
of our ticket-tearing machines,
will be sent him free of cost.
Put this machine beside you
In the train. Place your ticket
in it. Then when the conductor
comet along, press the lever,
lift up the lid, turn the crank
shut off the power, open the safe
and extract your ticket. Hand
it to the conductor. Shut the
safe, throw the engine into
neutral, shut the lid and the
operation is over.
Get one. If you are going on
even a short trip. Invaluable
if youTre going to the Fair
Did You Know That—
Pig-iron Isn't a hit hoggish?
Pigskin Is on the hog?
“M"
A pigtail isn’t always on the
hog’
. small pig is always a plgpy,
a pigmy Isn't alw aya a small
L
fERCY!" cried Foams,
grinding hla teeth
"Of all the chumps
I ever met. Poison, you are the
chumpleat. Look, chump, look at
the smoked tongue. Ah, dl ml.
don't >ou see it, don't you see It
now ?”
"Sure," 1 replied, ”1 see the
tongue, but It looks perfectly
good to me In fact I was about
to eat aome of 11 myself ”
"Oh. gee!” cursed the great de
tective, now wildly exdted, for
the first time In his life— ''Pota-
on. .you'U drive me craiy.” Foams
Jabbed himself a few times with
his hypo, played a couple of
operas on his fiddle, bent and
straightened the poker with hla
fingers a few tlmeB and then,
greatly composed, said, "Surely.
Potson. even a chump like you
ran see that there's splnaoh un
der the tongue."
"Right." 1 answered, “and you
don't like spinach."
"I loathe It, Potson, and, fur
ther. the landings knows I can't
bear the sight of It."
Ah. ha." said !. “somebody
else put It there and it's poison
ed.”
"Don't be bo crude. Potson;
somebody else put the spinach
there, but that somebody would
never reeort to such a vulgar ex
pedient as poison And. Potson.
my dear chump, why should a
person poison a vegetable which
l never eat?"
I turned pale Could the
scoundrel be after me?
Foams read my thoughts. "No.
Potson," said he. "this person
doesn't care a snap of his fingers
whether you are alive or dead.
He Is after me, for well he knows
I am the only detective In the
world with brains equal to his
own. It is Mortarlty, Potson.”
The arch-criminal’
"But what" I began.
"Very simple. Potson, If your
skull contained any talus but cold
molasses. Mortality, as I can
tell by the smell, lias placed spin
ach on every breakfast table In
this building He knows my an
tipathy to the vile vegetable, and
he calculated that In a fit of fury
I would throw the platter out of
the window. Mortarlty Is watch
ing the house now. and the mo
ment any spinach la thrown out
he will mark the window and ex
terminate the occupants of that
room. But the aroh-crlmlnaJ
(here Foams gnashed his teeth)
failed to recognize the Iron will
of the areh-deteettve, and he 1s
foiled again."
"Marvelous, Foams, marvelous.”
said l.
That Is really the end of the
adventure, but as a sequel I em
barked on a small one of my own.
James T. Smithy, who has the
room above ours, also had an
accordion. Cnder the pretext of
returning a morning paper 1 had
borrowed a week before, I called
on him In his room and contrived
to throw a plate of aplnach out
of his window. Then I hastily
returned to our own diggings.
Foams, as usual, was right about
Mortarlty'* plan, for 1 haven't
heard the accordion since.
THE SMILE’S OWN
MOLECULE MOVIES
W *ALL Street bachelor.
Vacation. Fishing rod.
Happiness.
Leaky row-boat Jupiter
Pluvius. More rain. Clothes
wringing wet. Grippe. Pneu
monia. Much woe.
Hospital Gloomy doc. No
hope.
Pretty nurse. Smiles Con
valescence. Hand clasps Dia
mond ring. Automobile. Preach
er’s home. Man and wife.
Caption for screen:
‘‘Moral: It never rains but
it pours.”
(Pasted by the Barnegat Board
fl c enmrshtpj
IN THE SMILE’S
LETTER BOX
TWO MUCH OF A PROBLEM.
T O THE EDITOR—Why
does a man run after a
car that he knows he
can’t catch?
JAMES M'GOOL,
New Brunswick. N. J.
YET ANOTHER QUESTION.
TO THE EDITOR—How does
an onion know enough to grow
up Instead of down?
PHILIP FIEN’NTtJS,
Babylon, L. I.
[’Snuff. Fur
ther questlom
like the twi
above will be re
ferred to Bloom
ingdale.—Ed.]
ABOUT A CANARY.
TO THE EDITOR—Recently
I bought a canary, but the bloom
ing blighter won't sing Am I
downhearted? No! I wouldn't
let the bird have anything on
me. so 1 whistle myself and the
canary ran go to the dickens.
THOMAS J. TIMKEN,
Brooklyn, N. Y.
[A good scheme
Thomas, a very
good scheme. W«
suppose, if you
buy a watchdog
that goes to sleep
you’ll run arounc
the house al
night on yout
hands and knees
barking at ever)
footstep you hear
Ed.]
Our Weekly Health Hint.
Before stepping on a tack,
hammer it Into the floor.
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS.
EXCHANGE —Will
slightly ueed aandwlch
’ »*«!
or 1**8 grand piano,
o a.
exchange
for more
T. J.. Smile
The New E iclid
By *
Horatio Winslow
Copyright, 1916, by the Btar company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
'T’HEOREM: Starting at any given point, a conversation Is
bound to gravitate to the fixed topic L.
DEMONSTRATION;
Let X. represent Any Given Point—as, for Instance, the Price of
Second-hand Bibles In Muncle, Indiana, In the Year 1889.
THEN;
YOU
It IS intereetlng. Where did It come from?
SHE
Why, father bought It In Muncie, Indiana, in 1889. He waa passing
through and saw It In a funny little second-hand shop.
YOU
Must have had to pay a big price for It.
SHE
No. That’s the strange part. He offered the storekeeper five dol
lars, but the man was an honest old German, who said It wasn’t worth
more than two and a half. So In the end papa compromised and gave
him three and took the book.
YOU
I d like -to meet that honest old German. I’d make money off him.
(Turning the pages.) Hello! Here’s an old list of family deaths.
SHE
And there on the other side are the births.
YOU
Make* me feel creepy Everybody down here has been dead fifty
years anyhow. (You turn the pages.) Marriages! What do you know
about that! I wonder If they lived happily ever after.
SITE tbefore you hove a chance to say tt).
Most people don’t.
YOU (rising to the holt).
I'm not ao sure. I don’t see why a marriage can't be happy If there's
Love back of it
SHE
Yes, but what la Love?
YOU
(shutting the Bible and putting the ancient volume back on the
music cabinet.)
Oh, you can't put your finger on It and say. "This la Love.” But Juet
the same I know there is such a thing as Lox-e because . . . etc., etc.
Q. E. D.
A SPRING LITANY
Copyright, 1615, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
F OM cut-worm» in the garden and from cut-throat« in WaJ] Street,
from theatre ticket speculators and from the honest gold-brick sort—
From solder in fresh green peas and from sand in fresh beet
greens, from ten-volume histones of the war and from hyphenated
Americans—
From domestic, camembert cheese and from peace envoys, from rumors
that Italy will go to war and from people who believe the war dispatches—
From agents with patent carpet beaters and from women who are
wearing furs, from temperance tonics and from discussions of war babies—
From people who believe the seed catalogues and from suburban trains
with hermetically sealed windows, from wrist watchea on life-sized males
and from inside-laced shoes on all sizes of females—
From window screens that won’t fit and from screen doors that fit too
much, from porch chairs that shed paint and from visitors who shed perfume
(so-called) —
From commuters who bring odorous phosphate fertilizers along on the
train in burlap bags, and from the descendants of Munchausen who write
Summer resort folders—
From cartoonists who parody "Dropping the Pilot” and from modem
dramas founded on unexpurgated medical books, from four giggling girls
walking abreast on the sidewalk and from one son of Bacchus walking on
both side* of the sidewalk at once—
From mornings that look as dry as Death Valley and turn out to be
as wet as the Atlantic, and from ascending the Palisades or a dimb across
Times Square—
From this year's two and a half-story straw lids and from the new
brand of horse-collar feminine neckwear, from the Spring news items from
Winstead, Conn., and from foreign cartoonists’ conception of Unde Sam
From August weather in April and from December temperature in
May, from trying to help your wife select new wail paper or to avoid the
annual cleaning of vour suburban home ceBar—
OH. GENTLE SPRING, DELIVER US!
OpjTlftat. 1P15. by th* Btar Company.
Great Britain Rlffbta Reaerrad.
Ever Stop to Think-
T
HAT a little whiskey will [
make a man light-headed 7
That a little peroxide
will do the same thing to a woman?
That no rewards are ever adver
tised for finding trouble?
That a lot of people keep on
looking for It, Juet the same?
That every day the papers re
port br-ishe ’’etween French and
German troop*’ - A
That they must b« military,
brushes ?
That man Is a queer creature?
That he'll get hot under the col
lar If you drop a piece of Ice down
his back?
That the easiest way to catch a
fish is to stick a fork Into tt when
the waiter put# It on the table?
That a British soldier recently
had both lege shot off by a cannon
bail?
That he can’t kick?
That we’ve been thinking about
going off to the war?
That that's why we havent
gone?
That a barking dog never bites?
That a steam calliope doesn't
either, but we don't care to have
one around for all that?
That you can get theatre tickets
at cut rates. If you know how?
That barbers charge cut rates
for trimming y our hair I _ j
That they sometimes collect the
same kind of rates for shaving?
That old King Cole was a Jolly
old soul?
That he wouldn’t tie nearly so
Jolly If he were king of England
right now?
That the papers say that a huge
stream of wealth la pouring into
this country?