Newspaper Page Text
La /LA
BEST HUMOR, MOVING
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, MAY 23, 1915.
Do Not Neglect
Your Health
Road the series of ai’ticles written by Jess
Willard, World’s Champion Boxer, run
ning in The Sunday American. They tell
you how, when and where to take proper
exercise to safeguard you against illness.
If You’re Thinking of Going to Court, Don’t Do It-
Go to War Bv Lewi a Allen
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
Ceovrlgtt, 1911. by tlx Star VXi-i.n*. Brltala BlabU Buiml
SHOW YOU A LETrfcR. EWTED MA'ii~\99l
DID You write inis Lette.^ - ?
LAUGHS IN THE NEWS
TALI AN w-artrhips are now equipped with Marconi's new wireless tele
phones, the first ever to be thus equipped.
It will sound funny to hear an excited admiral, Interrupted by
rplodlng shells while talking, shout "Get off the wire!”
Khalil, the man who attempted to assassinate the Sultan of Egypt a
bile ago, has Just been hanged.
If he had killed the Sultan they would have doubtless punished him
sverefy
A Brooklyn girl recently made $100,000 on steel shares Isn't this
sttlng rich a cinch?
All she had to do was Invest her $10,000.
But gee whiz! ten thousand dollars?
Copyright. 1916, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
We have JuBt shipped seven million eggs to Argentina Ordinarily
that country has got Its eggs from Europe.
But all they are doing over there 1b to shell each other.
About the time Roosevelt was writing “My dear sir, you are not an
easy boss" some peaceful hen over In Jersey was laying some of those
egga
But we should worry. Argentina Is so far off It will be all right—
unless there Is a strong wind from the South.
“Screen kissing Is safest," according to a statement from a scientist
at the University of Wisconsin, who has experimented with germs
secured on a screen used to kiss through.
It may be safe, but it la an Insane way to kiss.
A brand-new steamship Una ha* Just been organized to run between
New York and Iceland.
But Summer tourists should remember that not one drop of alcoholic
stimulants of any description are to be had In Iceland.
A woman has sought to force her husbt.il by law to insure his life.
And suppose he does, and then lives and lives and lives?
A Los Angeles Judge has ordered a woman to support her husband or
pay him alimony if she won't have him around. The Judge says that
since the woman is a citizen and a voter this Is her duty,
“Votes for Wimmlnl”
Twenty-two Princeton seniors say they have never been kissed.
Our grandmothers also used to say the well-known lnnar orb was
omposed of green e<#ese
A wealthy F^rts woman says she will give her daughter and a for
one to the first French soldier who enters Berlin.
Isn’t war Justtnade up of atrocities?
No more beehives In New York Is the ruling. It has been suggested
hat all bees be muzzled.
The man who made this suggestion U approaching the .hWsot of
ice stings In the wrong dlreotioa,
An Ohio man killed himself with a safety razor the other day.
If he had used an old-fashioned razor he would have probably Injured
himself severely
A New York girl's mind went blank while she was riding om s Nsw
Jersey street car.
The only way to enjoy riding on New Jersey street cars Is with a
blank mind.
Mrs. Anna Matus. of Duquoin, Ill., has only been married a few days.
Why did she marry? She didn’t say, but one might suspect that It was
to change her name. Before marriage It wast
Ab.ua Stulglnak^iUskitzagel.
“Japan has sent another ultimatum to China-”—News Item.
There are only 400,000,000 people In China. Soon that country will
have enough ultimatums to go around to each Inhabitant-
Now Pittsburgh has a $78,000,000 war order,
“Smoke up, Plttsy!”
In 1914 the rule was for women’s skirts to bo ten Inches from the
floor. This ydar they are to be twelve Inches,
"Whither are we drifting?” ,* v 1 *
A Pennsylvania man has sued a -atlroad for $20,000 for the loss of
his sensA..
i.1 he ip*t hi* senses, how 04 he know enough lo sue.E
By Lewis Allen
Copyright, 1916, by tbs Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
LICKERTY-CLICK. CUckerty-cllck. CHokerty-ollck—cllck-te-
cllck-te-c llck-cllck.
That Is Papa Allen tn his don. writing "funny stuff."
He has removed his collar and purple tie and sunset Oxford# and
put on his Turkleh-towellng slippers. He has got a Jim-Dandy Idea for
something real funny. He thought.of It on the way heme on the train.
Of course It was something he nead In the-paper, but be wgl twist
It around and change .lt over so that-no one will ever recognize tt.
Just as he gets the first paragraph .finished and ,1s about to lead 09
to the real funny part. Dorothy tiptoes Into the den with a school book
under her arm.
(This home school work Is something fierce. Isn’t It? We dldn%
have it when we were kids, did weT)
“Paps, don't let me bother you. but can you telb-me what sas-cat
from Patagonia 7"
“As far as I know, we never got a thing from there. I got** bin
for almost everything this month, but didn’t notice Pat——A
“Pa—PA I I can’t answer It and teacher wants ua-to find’-ont. She
told us to ask about It at home ’’
(Dam a school teacher, I never made a-hit with-- ‘euratu.zny lifeJ
"What do we get from Patagonia?" repeats Papa Allen, like an
Interlocutor at a minstrel Show, “why we get—er—we—wait, a minutes
dear," «
Papa Allen gets up and goes -to his encyclopaedia end looks for’T.”
That volume Is down In the library. He goes down and gets ft. Reads
a few paragraphs hastily and comes back and gives Dorothy the Informa
tion as nonchalantly a* though he had Just got back from a-three-yeas
exploration of that country.
Then Papa Allen goes backtohls typewriter, reads over what-fae fcaa
written and tries to think what In thunder he, was writing about. It
takes a trip down to the refrigerator for a cold bottle, and another pipeful
before he remembers. Suddenly It comes to him and he writes madly
for five minutes. Just as he gets to the place where he Is going to
spring the point of the whole artlole Lois enters the den softly.
“Excuse me. Pa-pa, am I bothering you? Just a minute, won’t you
tell me what ‘ratify’ means?”
"And she said—and she said—she turned to him and sal*
Papa Allen Is trying to think what In thunder It was she said that
wn.s so funny. He writes eomething like this, “She said—ratify ’’
Then Papa Allen rubs his hands across hie fevered brow and looks up.
"Eh, what’s that, dear? No, you don’t bother me What was tt you
wanted to know about Patagonia?"
“dli, Pa^PA, don't be funny, please—(As though he could bel)—1
must get my lesson. What does ‘ratify* mean?"
“Look In the dictionary, dear—what do yon suppose your dictionary
Is for?"
“I did, Papa, and It said ’8ee rate’ and
Papa Allen gets the dictionary, looks under "rate," traces ft down ts
“ratify,” and gives her the desired Information.
"Why didn’t the book say ‘approve 1 then," complain* Lois.
“Yes," sighs Papa Allen, “why In thunder didn’t It say ’approve'!'
Then he begins banging away on his typewriter again. He has got thg
idea and Is going to get it down before it escapes.
"Naturally," Papa Allen writes, "She had a lumberings gait, becaua*
she had a- ”
"Hey, Pop!"
It is son. He breezes into the room wearing a eoorwl jrrcrt carrying
a book.
“Was the fourth crusade a real crusade—a true crusade, ! msenT'
“True? Of course It was true, If your history aays so, now donfll
begin to criticise at this early stage “
“No, but this question here 's got my nanny, I don’t know^——"
Papa Allen takes the history and reads feverishly about a nsobHg
tin derby called Richard of the Lion Heart, and finally, after ten mimrtee.
finds that the fourth crusade wasn’t a true one because the Venetian^
went to Constantinople Instead of Jerusalem. Papa Allen wishes the*
had gone to however, he explains it,
“What did they go to Constantinople for?" v*H
Papa Allen didn’t know.
Bo “Pop” digs Into a few reference books and answers them as I
he can. No doubt son’s teacher got a lot of brand new taformatkm
from son neit day.
After that Papa Allen goes back to his typewriter and tries to thfng
why the blue blazes the girl walked with a lumbering gait. It certainly
was funny, but he has forgotten the funny part.
Papa Allen sighs, lights his pipe, and decides that he will have t»
give It up. “There’s no point to the dum thing now,” he mutters, ’TU
have to sell It to Life, or Puok, or Judge, perhaps it’s dull enough for
Harper's Weekly ”
Just then he remembers It.
“Oll-Ckcr-ty-cllck •”
“Ooo’nlght, Pa-PAI"
It Is Dorothy.
•NV dear," answers Papa.
“Cllcker-ty-oll r
“Ooo’nlght, Papal"
"Nl,’ dear,” answers Papa.
"She-wttlked-wlth-a-himberlng'galt-becauBe-she-had-a——*
"Tlng-a-llng-a-llng-a-llng-a-ling! ! I"
Papa Allen gets up and goes downstairs to answer the telephone.
It Is Mama Allen, who la over at a neighbor’s. They are discussing
dresses.
“That you? Will you look In my ’May Au Fait Style Book’ where I
have turned down a page and marked a number, and tell me the number
of that pattern for a child's party dress? The book Is tn my sewing
basket, or on my table or sewing machine—perhaps It Is on the light
stand In my room—or may be I left it down In the library, I had It out
In the kitchen this afternoon, when I was talking with the laundress, and
probably I left R there, but you will find it somewhere. Just let me know
that number. Oertrude Is going in town to-morrow and I want her to
get that pattern, I’ll hold the line."
Eleven minutes later Papa Allen telephones that the number U
3872636. He found the pattern book in the diningroom.
Mama Allen thanks Papa Allan and then asks him If he is sure he
got the right number.
■'Cllckerty-cllok-te-cllck—she walks with a lumbering gait because—*
because—because ”
“Night, Pop!" ^
"Night. Son!"
“She walks with a—she walks—Oh, let her walk!” exclaims Papa
Allen, adding a lot of Bible words.
THE END
P. S.—She walked with a lumbering gait because she had a woodaa
leg.