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TTF.ABST’S STTNDAY AMERICAN. ATLANTA. 0A„ SUNDAY. MAY
1915.
The Henpecked Husband of a Modern Eve
One of the Laugh Scenes from
“ A Modern Eve”
C A8CADIER, the huaband of a «el» willed suffragette, and con
sequently thoroughly henpecked, Is being discussed by
Pontiglrard and Dickie, two acquaintances. Unknown to
them, he overhears what they say. Dickie Is contemplating mar-
eying Caacadier-'s daughter. Later he does so. Nlnlche la Cat-
cadier's wife.
P ONTIGIRARD—Yes, she runs the affairs of the whole family; the
old men la a Joke.
A CASCADIER (t0 himself)- That’s me.
PONTIGIRARD—The poor old dub doesn't dare say his soul Is his
own. She makes him run the house, never lets him so out, and wv.n't give
him a rent to spend. I never felt so sorry for anybody In my life I'd like
to see the poor old man and cheer him up. (Casi adier begins lobbing,
quietly.) I'll try to help him out when I marry Into the family.
CASCADIER frushing over to him)—Don’t do It; let me warn you be
fore It la too late. I'm her husband, er. a sort nt a husband.
PCWriOIR-ARTL—Oh, then, I must, apeak to you, Monsieur Caseadler.
CASCADIER—I ran't; I'm not allowed to talk to the guests; but be
fore I go, take the advice of one who has suffered and don't marry Into
such a family.
PONTIGIRARD—Why did yon do ItT
CASCADIER—I was young and foolish. Just think, I nearly fought
t duel onoe for the hand of this woman!
DICKIE—It'e the first time I ever heard of It
CASCADIER—Upon my word. We fought for her hand, a certain
Count Osstell Yajotrr and I. I lost
DICKIE—You lost?
CASCADIER- Yes. I got her rve been looking for him everywhere
to get even with him. the scoundrel.
PONT I GIRARD—W . ire you going to do If you ewer meet him?
Shoot him?
CASCADIER -No, make him shoot me, thet's the only way I can get
even with my wife.
PONTIGIRARD—Try another method. Assert your authority over
your wife.
CASCADIER—Assert my authority. You try sitting on your high hat
for twenty years, the way my wife ha* been sitting on me, then you eipect
It to spring up and assert Its authority! No self rewpeottug hat would do It,
PONTIGIRARD -Rnt what would the world be without marriage?
Marriages are made tn heaven.
CASCADIER—Mine must have been made In the other place.
NI NICHE f entering)—Hello—friend husband.
CASCADIER—Salutations, wlfa. f
NINICHE— I am sorry to be late for dinner, but T had to sit up with
a sick friend at the club.
CASCADIER—That's the name old wheeze you've pulled on me before.
NIN1CHE—Here are 125 franc*, go and buy yourself a new bat.
CASCADIER fpretending to weep)—No. It'e nothing to a woman, but
bo a man. everything! Thoee little sentimental interests are all he has la
life. A woman’s life Is so full of the outside world. How could you for
get what day this la, the anniversary of the birth of—our dog!
NTNIOHE--I brought you a bunch of violets.
CASCADIER—That proves It. You have been out with another man
(Weeping.) You newer taka me to the theatre any more. Do you remem
ber the candy and flowers you used to bring? You never used to come
home without something. You never used to come home without marsh
mallows or some juju paste. Now, all you ever bring me Is a lemon drop.
Here ore a few bills that eame to-day. (Hands a finch of letters.)
NT NICHE (opening one)—Of* bill; 200 francs and IS centimes. Why
Is It so much ?
CASCADIER—I suppose they were ashamed to charge any more.
(Jumping up)—I can't stand It I’m going back to my mother
Copyright, 1915, by th* BUr Company. Omt Britain Rights
NINIOHE—Here, and take this with my love. (Kiniche picks up s
cushion from the table and hurlt it after him.)
CASCADIER Now, darling, don’t bruise me.
NINICHE—Have you Instructed the cooks about dlrtner this evening?
CASCADIER—Yes, I’m Just going to do It, my little Lima Dean.
NINICHE—See that you do ami get busy right now.
CA8CADIER—Yes, ma'am.
(Exit 'S'sniche. Cascadier blows a whistle.)
CASCADIER—Servant*, attention! Your general la nailing to armsl
IFrom both at dm of the room enter the household.)
CASCADIER—Chef, what was the market bill this week?
CHEE—Two hundred and fifty francs, Monsieur.
CASCADIER—Tell Madame Cascadlar it woe three hundred and fifty
and give me the other hundred. First, I'm going to scold. Ponette, come
here. (One of the. molds comes over to him.) About face. (They turn
their barks and he kisses her.)
I’ON’ETTE- -Oh, thank you.
CASCADIER—Front! (All turn back.) There have been complaints
that you hav* bwen entertaining a male friend of yours In the kitchen
very late.
\ i I: J ■ fj rf
The Poor Henpeck Being Scolded Because He ’« Behind in His
Knlttinsr
MAID—He's no male friend of mine; he's my husband.
CASCADIER—Now, cooks, attention. Now, then, chefs, the soup was
too cold last night.
COOK—Mane. Ceseswller said It was too hot; It burnt her tongue.
CASCADIER—Everybody cheer! (All cheer.) Very nice. Now, for
to-night, see that It Is about ten degrees hotter. Very nice, the soup has
been rather thick lately. Do you stir it with your right or your left hand!
COOK—Right hand, sir.
CASCADIER—Most people do It with a spoon. Try that for a cfcanga.
Housemaids, attention! You should be up early, sweeping the dust under
the beds. A bright girl can always pick up a few rings that are laid out
on the dresser.
MAID—Yes, sir.
CASCADIER—-Valets, attention! (Valets come forward.) Valets!
Now, valets, aa soon a* the guest arrives, take hie luggage to hie room and
lay out his clothes at once. You may find something you want In the
morning before the guest awekens, draw hie both for htm. The maids
will do this for the ladles and the valets for the gentlemen guests. I be
lieve they are doing It that way this year Chauffeurs, chauffeurs, attention!
Honk! Honk! Always get in from the night Joy-ride* not later than 11
the next morning; also, It Is considered very had form to have any of
your friends found asleep In the machine when the family vrtdhes to use
the oer the next morning. Now, then. If you'll all behave yourselves we’U
all have a general Jollification—Christmas.
AIjL—Christmas!
CASCADIER—Yee, It's no good for a married men, trat It’s all right
flor you.
• ••••• i
LATER.
PONTIGIRARD AND DICKIE (seeing CascadAer)—What’s the matter?
CASCADIER—I couldn’t stand It any longer. I left home and I am
tncrvlng over here. Where ^hall I put. my luggage’
PONTIGIRARD—Your luggage! Let’s see—what room shall I put
you In? How would the blue room do?
CASCADIER—If you’ve got a black and blue room It would suit me
better.
PONTIGIRARD—Walt here Just a minute and FI] see what I can do.
(Exits into house.)
DICKIE—I say. old top, you’ve stood It for twenty years; what made
you leave so suddenly?
CASCADIER—My wife wouldn’t let me have any company In the
kitchen!
DICKIE—What win your wife say?
CASCADIER—I don’t care what she says. I gave her two weeks'
notice!
(Re-enter Pontigtrard.)
PONTIGIRARD—I’ve settled it! I’ll put you In the red room!
CASCADIE3R—Is there a bed in that room? I need a good rest.
PONTIGIRARD (to Cascadler)—You picked out a fine place for rest
and quiet. If your house Is -worse than this, I pity yon.
CASCADIER—My house Is Just as quiet as an old home week In a
holler shop.
PONTIGIRARD—It’s all your fault If you hadn't let your wife put
It orer on you, Renee would never have tried It on me.
CASCADIER (throwing up hands)—It’s no nae. I’ll unpack my pa
jamas—and go out and live In the alley.
PONTIGIRARD—Why not go In the woods somewhere and live on
nnta?
CASCADIER—That's a good idea. I'll do It All we nuts Should stick
together.
Just for Fun
Copyright, 1111, by the 8tar Company- Great Britain Rights Reserved.
P OPULAR songs known aa “tongue twisters”—such as "Sister 9ml*
Sewing Shirts for Soldiers”—still continue In favor, especially te
England. Jack Norworth has a good one that he Is singing In a Loudon
review called “Which Switch?” Here Is the chorus’.
Which ewltch le the switch, miss, for Ipswloht
It’s the Ipswich switch which I require.
Which ewltch Awttohes Ipswich with this switch?
You’ve switched my switch on ths wrong wlrel
You’ve switched me on Northwich, not Ipswich*
So now, to prevent further hitch.
If you’ll tell me which swltoh Is Northwich and which switch
Is Ipswitch, I’ll know s’whloh Is s*whloh.
• • •
THE WHOLE THING.
rtLD BACHELOR FRIEND—How's everything?
Married Friend—Oh, she’s all right
• • •
HIS BUSY DAY.
MRS. DIXON—Why do you let your husband growl so much when
'* you have company?
Mr*. Vtxon—That’s the only time he gets to grumble*
• • •
MOTHER GOOSE WAR MED OVER.
IJEY, diddle, diddle,
** Oh, how they did riddle
The cow that Jumped over the mooa.
For the soldiers below
Mistook her. you know.
For a bomb-dropping war balloon.
Little Miss Mullet
Sat on a tuffet
Enting her enrds and whey;
A Taube then espied ’er,
Dropped a shell right berfde 'er—
She had a fine funeral next day.
Little Bo-Peep
Has lost her sheep.
And I know where she’ll find 'em;
In a trench, I’ll wot
Being served red-hot
With a piece of hard-tack behind ’em.
HE HAD.
«r|ID you ever play cards for money?”
*■' “Yes; but I never got It”
PRACTICING.
ffnrHY, dear,” said the mother npon noticing her little girl standing
*” before a mirror and making the most hideoue faces, “what are
you dotng?"
'Tm getting ready, mother, to go ovar to tell Nellie Smith what 3
think of her.”
WITH
LAUNDRY
CONSCIENCE!
— \. V*-» l
Every Piece of Your Linens, Every Piece of Dainty Fabric, That Is Intrusted
to the Care of the EXCELSIOR LAUNDRY Receives A Personal and
• *
Conscientious Care That Means Perfect Satisfaction!!
DO YOUR PALM BEACH SUITS
RECEIVE PROPER ATTENTION?
It Is Folly to Buy a Good Palm Beach Suit, If You Are Going to Allow It
to Be Cleaned in a Careless Manner and Eventually Ruined. We Are Ex
perts in This Line and Guarantee Long Life to Palm Beaches Intrusted to
Us. “The Better Manufacturers Guarantee Against Shrinkage.”
R. C. THOMPSON, General Manager.
LAUNDRY
PLANT, Corner Piedmont and Ellis Sts.
Uptown Office, 40 Wall St.
9 Telephones
Call Ivy
3171
K. L. I nUFlFWlN, oenerat j
EXCELSIOR
m*: