Newspaper Page Text
T. J, LUMPKIN, Editor and Proprietor.
VOLUME I.
■Poetical Selections.
PARTING.
AV .'op not that we must part;
filings are short, eternity is long.
is hut one brief stage,
Aif thev that say love ends with life are wrong. *
I last to thine own heart’s cry—
' ■ Love can not die.
■p hat though so far away?
f |£h' thoughts will tie with me, and with thee mine,
■ oi absence iias no power
I'ujJ ;i>n what by nature is divine.
■ List to thine own heart’s cry—
Love can not die.
weep no more, my loro;
||( ng but shows thy trust in me is small.
ith is by calmness proved,
Jm -iiow this truth: thou cans’t not love at all
■ Unless thine own heart erv
B *' Love can not die.”
Bories and Sketches.
AN EVEN IJET.
BY A. 0. Q.
■flumborwell is the slightly old-fash
ion ( and market-town of one of the west
ern shires of “ merrie England.”
| is a slecpy-looking place, except on
“ Boar’s Head ” is the best —and
nes iy only—commercial “house” in
Sflmhcrweil.
■ Now, then, gentlemen, please!—
tin s itp!” shouts the landlord, putting
his head into the billiard-room at the
clohing-time one night.
Make it an even bet, and I’ll take
you. Waggers!” exclaims Harry Doun
ton a young man of forward and lady
kilfi ng appearance.
j I>one! Put down your coin, Harry!
I pounds a side!”
ml jUr. Waggers —another young
i, square built, shock-headed, small-<
l, and with a boisterous, frolicsoipe
—drew out a handful of mixed gold
silver coins, and counted out ten
sovereigns on to the green cloth.
<"> it, Waggers! Hullo, Daunton,
Ire in for it! Down with your ten
(!?’” cried the little crowd of men
Time’s up, please gents!” this time
i Perks, the pot boy, who seemed to
e an instantaneous and magic appear
; among the party.
would have been a difficulty to
$ even at the age pf Perks. Any
g between ten and forty. His voice
shrill as a boy’s; his height just four
eleven; face weazened and hairless;
l about two sizes too large for his
Mmff bandy- '
and with long, muscular arms.
Bjs'o one took the slightest notice of
fißrks’s admonition.
Hand the stakes to Wilkins; he’ll
hold them!” exclaimed several.
Daunton produced a bank note
fnu his pocket-book, and dropped it
among the gold.
What’s it all about?” asked a tall
man, with the most “refereeish” look
tf the party, stepping forward, and
gathering up the money with a jquite
usc 1-to-it sort of way.
chorus of explanations followed,
with which Perks’s shrill “Time’s up,
mingled to no purpose.
ne at a time!” expostulated Wil
kii the tall man. “Now, Hien, Wag-
Rers!”
Well,” commenced that individual
Daunton has just bet me even
mcpiey—you bold the stakes—that to
morrow— not being market-day, and
we; ther permitting—he ivill set off from
door below at midday, and proceed
ing on the left-hand side half a mile
d(n n the street —that is to say, as far
<yvn as Dowsell’s pump—kiss every
woman he meets on liis own side! Eh,
Hrrv?”
B‘That’s it!” returned Mr. Daunton,
confidently. “ You’ll be there, Wilkins,
tolsee all’s square?”
nodded, and made a note in
*h fly-leaf of his betting book.
0l Iv Now ’ ti m e’s up!”
the lights went out,
BN the party followed, scampering and
I* * * * * *
Vhy did Mr. Waggers rise next morn
with the worm that precedes the
!y bird, and make such an untimely
t to the “Institute for Aged and
; pectable Females,” that was situated
‘ositc Dowsell’s pump?
NVell, that’s a good ’un!” ejaculated
Paine Scaremale, when lie had gone.
[<• says whoevcr’ll have a drop of gin
dy this cold day, with a rusk to help
!<>wn, let ’em come up to the 1 Boar’s
a d about twelve o’clock. He’s a
u lonian! I’m on!”
ame Scaremale was a raw, bony
llan , Past the prime of life, but with
■f un ” rnu scles in good condition yet,
Hvl a very virago for modesty. It is
s * le had married a man; but the
° r t goes, he only survived it two
nths.
lit side of the front entrance to the
■■>oars Head.”
■ N°w, then, Daunton; it’s twelve!”
Bd A ilkins, returning his watch to his
ket. “ There are deuced few people
h| sight!”
H ; Ail right,” said Harry; “ but you
■Hows— only Waggers and Wilkins to
mindl”
■ A murmur of assent came from the few
if 10 had gathered round to see the start,
li! there’s Perks?” shouted AVaggers.
|j|| <T °t half a day’s leave sir,” said the
landlord, coming forward,
■Waggers drew him aside, and some
ls penng took place.
■ All right sir,” nodded the landlord,
■a n they had finished. “ I’ll see they
ff 1 Aas they comes in, sir, and put it
to your account.”
start, the unabashed Harry
on the left hand side; Messrs,
aggers and Wilkins followed on the
oilier.
Harry was in luck. Looking down the
long street, there scarcely seemed a
dozen folks in sight altogether.
First he met a young shop girl, who
received his salute with a blush and a
stare; tlieh a fresli-colored farmer’s wife,
who declared “ the young man must be
mad; but, there! after all ;” then an
aged, stout gentleman with his charming
daughter, who shrank from him in vain,
while her paternal relative could do
nothing but snort, and vociferate empty
threats after the liencft speeding rogue;
then he surprised cook and housemaid
outside their front door, who only laughed
and asked for another, which they didn’t
get; then it was a girl of about fourteen,
whom he kissed to make sure, spilling
some of the milk she carried,
which he stayed to toss her a shilling
for; then a young man with his sleek
corpulent mamma, who considered her
self insulted, while her son pulled ex
citedly at a few' straw hairs, (carefully
designated by their owner a moustache),
and fitted an eyeglass into his eye to see
who it was, turning afterwards to liis af
fronted parent, and remarking, “ Vewy
stwange!”
Then he chanced upon a sour, angu
lar-looking spinster,'Who had never been
kissed before in her life, and rather
liked it, but managed to get her open
hand sharply on his ears nevertheless;
and then, heartily enjoying the fun, and
taking by surprise—or, giving rather—
what he wanted, without word or com
ment, he came upon a show that caused
him much consternation.
There, filing out of the “ Institute,”
came in pairs, three, and little knots, the
good, frequently venerable, but always
ugly, widows and spinsters of Slumber
well. It was a terrible sight to him, and
he groaned; but looking over the way and
noting the infinite relish and mirth of
his two followers, lie nerved himself and
sped forward.
“ After all,” lie argued. “ they’re all
old, and can’t show fight or run. *lt only
wants cheek.”
Down on the first batch. One 'after
the other he caught them dexterously by
the shoulders, and plumped them one—
anywhere! Still on he urged, not miss
ing any, first making a pounce against
the wall; then, with a bound, across the
path into the road, and on to one whose
old legs were warily trying to dodge him;
and now, two at a tihie, with an arm
round each neck. It was for ail the
world like a big fox among a Inure flock
of gefcse; sYtch a cackling, such a hissing,
such a liubhnb was never heard before.
He had only another twenty yards
further to go. But they kept pressing
up in front of him, and closing all round
him; he was getting bewildered as to
which be had kissed. Things were be
coming serious! He could hear two fits
of sustained laughter, convulsing two
male somebodies over the road. He
wouldn’t give in! He made a dash at a
big, bony woman!
“Scra-ash!” and there was a long,
smarting scratch down liis face.
“ Would ye, now?” inquired Dame
Scaremale, trying to repeat the applica
tion, as he backed away from her.
A dozen hands were uplifted now,
each garnished with formidable-looking
nails, and he was getting hemned in.
He wasn’t beaten yet, with that laughter
ringing in his ears; but plunged and
bounced, till suddenly a little old
woman, with a very large head, in a
very large bonnet, sprang forward with
a shrill shriek, and locked a pair of long
lithe arms round his neck with the grip
of a Gorgon, if the ancient supposition
was that their grips were throttling. It
was no use; down he went!
Then rose the cry, “To the pump!
Put him under the pump!”
Half dragged, half carried, in the
midst of the petticoat mob; the little
old woman, looking like the antiquated
witch of fairy-lore, and Dame Scare
male, being the prime movers.
Appealing vainly for rescue and as
sistance, lie was ignominiously placed
under the pump, and not till lie was
drenched and half drowned did they all
scamper off, and leave him to liis bitter
reflections, and two friends.
That evening there was a supper at
the “ Boar’s Head,” to which some dozen
nearly were*seated. Waggers “stood”
it, having been declared the winner of
the bet.
Harry Daunton had been duly chaffed
and laughed at, and having somewhat
recovered his temper—though not his
whole skin —consented to act as “ vice,”
while Mr. Wilkins took the “upper
end.”
“ I say, Daunton,” exclaimed the
president, “wasn’t that big woman a
Tartar? Let’s drink to her!”
“ By Jove, Wilkins, it’s all very well
to laugh; I wish you’d been there!”
“So I was; but could hardly see for
laughing.”
“That big woman,” put in Waggers,
“is Dame Scaremale, supposed to be the
strongest woman in Slumberwcll,
though she is turned sixty.”
“Iso she isn’t, then! I’d like to
know who that little old woman, with
the big head was? Gad! if ever I
meet her alone, not all the chivalry
in male human nature shall save her
shrivelled old carcass!”
There was a giggle behind his chair.
He turned, but only saw Berks.
“ What are you making that noise
for?” he queried.
A roar went up around the table.
“ Well, I don’t see what you’re all
laughing at,” he said, returning to hi3
supper
It was “turning out time” again be
fore they departed, very jovial and
lolicking. Neither Messrs. Daunton nor
Waggers could have identified, with
any of certainty, which was the
little old woman, and which big Dame
Scaremale, in their then happy frame of
i mind.
RISING FAWN, DADE COUNTY, GEORGIA, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1879.
“Faithful to the Right, JF earless J gainst the Wrong."
English Girls Fifty Years ago.
[London Standard.]
The English girls in the old country
houses a generation ago, had a merry,
genuine unaffected smile. When a guest
dropped in unexpectedly they were
clearly delighted to see him, and not in
the least ashamed of it. They'showed
an evident desire to please, without a
trace of an a riere pernee. Tall, well
developed, in the height of good health,
with bloom upon the cheek and w T ith
brilliant eyes, they were irresistibly
charming. But it was the merry laugh
that dwelt so long in the memory—a
laugh from the heart in the joyousness of
youth. They joined freely in the con
versation, but they did not thrust them
selves fonvard; and not a hint was
breathed of those social scandals which
now form the staple of fashionable
gossip. They w r ere well acquainted with
household duties, and had not learned to
regard them as menial. At table the
mistress would suggest that tea w f as
hardly strong enough for a man, and that
a nip of brandy might improve it; and
after the old-time late afternoon tea, all
the girls would draw around the fire, and
when pipes w r ere produced, would ask the
visitor to smoke; and even if he declined
on account of the ladies, it was pleasant
to be asked. As the conversation ran on,
each of the girls ‘candidly avowed her
opinions upon such topics as were started,
blushing a little when she w r as asked to
give her reasons; and there was individ
uality displayed that gave zest and in
terest to the talk. This was not so many
years ago; but now when one calls at
such a country-house, liow different is
the reception? The servant show: the
visitor into a drawing-room furnished in
the modern style, and takes the name up
stairs. By-and-by the ladies enter in
morning costume; not a stray curl al
lowed to wander from its stern bands;
nature rigidly repressed; decorum,
“ society” in every flounce and trimming.
A touch of the bell, and decanters of
port and sherry are produced, and wine
is presentedorran electro-salver, together
with sweet biscuits—it being the correct
thing to sip one glass and crack one bis
cuit. The conversation is so insipid, so
entirely confined to the merest plati
tudes, that it becomes a relief to escape.
The girls still have good constitutions
and rosy looks, but they worry about it
in secret, and wish they could appear
thin and white and more “ ladylike.”
They have suppressed the slightest ap
proach to animation. They read the so
called social. -journals and absorb the gos
sip, tittle-tattle and personalities. The
guest departs chilled and depressed.
What a comfort when he can turn a cor
ner behind the hedge, and can thrust hia
bauds into liis pockets and whistle.
A Young Lady’s Long Swim.
A Lake Geneva (Wisconsin) dispatch ,
to the Chicago Tiibune, of August 28, 1
says: “The most remarkable event of
the season occurred on the lake yester
day. Miss Mamie Minier, daughter of
Mr. and Mrs. H. S. Minier, and grand
daughter of Judge Ayer, of Harvard,
Illinois, a briglit-eyed brunette of sweet
sixteen, performed the unparalleled feat
of swimming from Harvard Park across
the lake to Camp Collie, a distance of
nearly two miles, in less than half an
hour, winning a wager from her father,
the ladies natatorial championship of
the United States, and numerous souve
nirs presented by admiring friends.
This naiad queen was accompanied by a
gentleman swimmer and by boats con
taining the judges and spectators. There
was no time limit to the performance;
Miss Minier did not hurry, but moved
through the water with easy grace, tak
ing a regulation stroke, occasionally
changing position for relief, now on one
side, now on the other; then listlessly
floating for rest; again swimming with
face up, sword and arms folded on her
breast. The heroine of this adventure
was only slightly exhausted by such an
extraordinary feat of skill and endur
ance. She was clad in an elegant bath
ing costume, ala Dieppe, which allowed
full and free movement to her magnifi
cently rounded arms and voluptuous
physique. Miss Minier has been some
what celebrated around the lake during
the summer for her skill in aquatic
sports, and she was determined to close
the season with a grand effort which
would eclipse all her companions, and she
has thus met with admiring success.
Height of Storms.
Prof. Loomis, in his investigations of
the phenomena of storms, has ascertained
that atmospheric disturbances during
storms do not generally extend more than
about a mile above the sea level as they
pass over New England. Frorn observa
tions made at the sea level, as at Port
land, simultaneously with observations
at the summit of Mt. AVashington, it is
found that during the passage of storms
the usual system of circulating winds
docs not, in a majority of instances, ex
tend to a height of six thousand feet.
The more violent the movement, how
ever, the greater is the height attained
by the disturbance. Another fact of in
terest is that the disturbance on the ap
proach of a storm is felt at the surface
sooner than at considerable elevations.
Prof. Loomis says that “ when, during
the progress of ail area of low pressure,
the system of circulating winds reaches
the summit of Mt. AVashington, the
change of wind to the east quarter
usually begins at the surface stations
eleven hours sooner than it does on the
summit of that mountain.” It thus ap
pears that only in the lower portions of
the atmosphere do the great storm move
ments occur, and they are first felt at or
near the earth’s surface.
Dr. Clason had a case of triplets 4n
the past week. Mother and littles ones
are doing famously, but the Tatlier is not
expected to recover. —Danbury News.
Relating His Experience.
[Louisville Courier-Journal.J
Two gentlemen met upon the street
yesterday close to a reporter of the
Courier-Journal, who takes the liberty of
giving their conversation publicity as it
may throw some light on Memphis. The
first gentleman was very much surprised
at seeing the second, and said:
“ Where in the world did you come
from?”
“Memphis.”
“ I thought you were dead?”
“ Yes, those Howards reported me
dead last year, and I am still so re
corded.”
“ How is Memphis?”
“It is given over to the thieves.”
“ The fever does not seem to be so
fatal this year?”
“ No; it isn’t the regular Yellow
Jack. When a man dies now his body
crumbles to pieces almost as soon as it is
placed in the coffin. Last year the body
would remain in a dried up condition
for two or three days. We had the kind
of fever we are now having all last win
ter. Whenever a fire was kindled in a
house where the disease had been it
broke out and the inmates died.”
“You must have had some sad ex
periences ?”
“ Yes; my wife and children died last
year and I was reported dead. No
sooner was this report originated than
the thieves began to pillage the house. I
was sitting up with my dead when they
broke open the door. Two or three
empty coffins were in the house, and I
determined to frighten the thieves off.
I had no weapons, so I got in one of the
coffins and lay there still as death. The
thieves pushed open the door and came
in with lights. I raised myself stiffiy
up in the coffin and tried to make my
face as ghastly as possible. When
the burglars saw me they imagined they
saw an apparition. They dropped all
their plunder, and turned and fled like
wilci^’
Burdette’s Night Thoughts.
' Burlington Hawkeye.]
Dos’fc judge a man by his clothes.
Can y i tell what the circus is going to
be liki by looking at the Italian sunset
pictures on the fence. Do you value a
turkey for its plumage. And isn’t the
skin of the mink the most, and, indeed,
the only valuable part of him? There
be men, fair to look upon, who wander
up and down this country, and sit in the
codes places on the hotel piazzas, who
are ar; yed in tine linens and cardinal
socks, and who have to hold thdp hjgpi
over their scarf pin when
sec the moonlight, who, unal|!flsted and
unprompted, do not possess the discre
tion to come in when it rains, and don’t
know enough to punch a hole in the
snow with an umbrella —new, soft snow
at that; without any crust on it. Now
and then, son, before you are are as old
as Methuselah, meet a man who
wears a hat that is %nrth twice as much
as the head it On the other
hand, don’t fall into thF error of believ
ing that all the goodness, and honesty,
and intelligence m the world goes about
in shreds and pa tl lies. We have seen a
tramp dressed irP more rags than you
could rake out of the family rag-bag, and
more dirt and hair on him than would
suffice to protect a horse, who would step
up to the front door and demand three
kinds of cake, half a pie, and then steal
every movable thing in the yard, kill
the dog, choke up the pump with sand,
tramp on the pansy bed and girdle the
cherry trees because lie couldn’t carry
them away. Good clothes or bad are
never an infallible index to a man that
is in them.
Failures from Overdoing.
The story is current in the neighbor
hood of Concord, that Emerson and
Hawthorne, and Alcott, and Thoreau,
and others, once formed a social club for
evening conversations. It was natur
ally expected that the interviews of
these literary giants would be occasions
of rare enjoyment. But the club proved
a wretched failure, and survived only
two meetings. The great men couldn’t
unbend for easy and familiar talk, and
opened their lips only for oracular utter
ances.
John Stuart Mill tells of a similar fail
ure in a debating club in London. It
was composed of the most brilliant young
men in the city, Macaulay, ThirlwaU
(the historian), Wilberforce, afterwards
Bishop of Oxford, the brothers Bulwer,
the three brothers Yilliers, Charles
Thomson, and others who afterwards won
eminence in Parliament. Great expecta
tions were excited, and the first meeting
was crowded, a large number of men in
public life coming to hear the young
orators.
A noted Oxford speaker opened the
discussion. He attempted so high a
flight that he failed utterly, and sat
down with extreme chagrin. Others fol
lowed with similar aims, only to fail in
the same way. Not a single speaker was
successful. The audience went away
disgusted, and the young men were so
mortified that a second meeting was
never attempted.
Had they been content to speak in a
natural way, they might have formed a
very successful society. They were over
burdened with the weight of their repu
tation and the expectation of the public.
An Undecided Witness.
At a legal investigation of a liquor
seizure the judge asked an unwilling
witness:
“ AVhat was in the barrel you had?”
The reply was:
“AVell, your Honor, it was marked
‘whisky’ on one end of the barrel and
* Pat Duffy ’ on the other, so tfiat I can’t
say whether it was whisky or Pat Duffy
was in the barrel, being as I am on my
oath.”
Old Mining Camps.
[Eureka Sentinel.]
An old mining camp in the growing
hours of dusk has an air of the most
peaceful acquiescence with the ways of
Providence. There- is nothing else like
it in the universe. The sleepiest fisher
village which ever clung to black cliffs
above the lazy breakers and the white
shore will rouse when shoals of herring
fill the bay, or when the winter storms
come with their wild rage bearing some
doomed ship on the foaming rocks; the
sleepiest village of the valley grows,
though slowly, by increase in the value
of lands, and the drift of improvements
in the community. But the old min
ing camp is a mystery to the thoughtful
inquirer. If a man moves away, there
his house stands and rots into a pile of
kindling-wood. Yonder was a pretty
garden on the slope, but the progress of
the mines has cut the water clitches,
which, now cannot reach it, and so it is
neglected and barren. Here is a build
ing-solid brick walls, iron shutters,
door which would withstand a seige; it
was a bank once, where exchanges could
be had on London, Hamburg and all tlie
great centers of trade; now it is plas
tered over with red paper signs and oc
cupied by a score of narrow-lidded, yel
low Chinese. Yet there are quiet,
shaded cottages and the most lovely of
homes in almost every one of these old
mining camps. Take a little turn apart
from the decaying business center of the
town, and you will find wliat would de
light the most care-hardened traveler.
Quiet men sitting on the doorsteps and
watching that last quiver of sunlight in
the pines which is so eternally new and
glorious; fair women, in summer gar
ments of white, standing by fragrant
pillars of roses; chubby-faced children,
full of healthy merriment, slipping in
and out among the trees, or playing on
the terraced bit of grass plot beside the
grape trellis. Ah! we have at last found
out the charm of many a mountain
town which cynical tourists delight to
deny. There are abiding places and
homes of men here, also, eve# as in the
fairest of valleys. •
Make Haste to Grow Rich.
Commenting on the evidences of re
renewed prosperity, which it thinks the
country does not more than half appre
ciate, the New York Herald closes a very
sensible article with the following con
servative advice:
“ Whoever has managed to lay by a
little money has now the opportunity to
fling it away in speculation. On every
hand citizens are invited to become sud
denly wealthy by putting their means in
mining and other speculative ventures.
We advise everybody to steer clear of
such things. There is, no doubt, money
to be made in mines, but it will be
pocketed not by the credoulous public,
but by the gentlemen who dispose of
stock to A, B and C as a special favor.
The public never gets rich by gambl
ing. The haste to be rich brought sor
row and suffering to hundreds of thou
sands in the past ten years, and plunged
the country into the dreary abyss out of
which it is just now emerging. Another
such fever of speculation would send us
to a yet lower deep, and leave us there
to flounder.
“ There is still an abundance of legiti
mate and safe securities in which
men can invest their means with a cer
tainty of a moderate but constant ror
turn. There will presently be an in
creasing number of legitimate new entei
prises, many of which, resting for their
value on real services to the country,
will also be safe. There is land, farming
and city real estate, both now low in
price, alid the last to feel the impetus of
a rise; judicious and careful investments
in real estate at present prices are pretty
certain to bring handsome profits by and
by. All these are real tilings—not fan
cies. They are property sure to rise in
value with the growth of Hie dtintry,
and having a substantive vlmielßey are
safe for investors. But we counsel and
urge everybody to avoid fancy and wild
cat investments promising large divi
dends and sudden fortunes. There is
nothing in them but loss.”
Not in the Bills.
The Omaha Herald gives this decsrip
tion of a decidedly animated scene which,
though not on the house bills, was en
acted on the stage at Denver, Colorado,
not a great while ago: “ The play was
Buffalo Bill’s. There are several ‘pic
tures ’ as the profession terms them—
tableaux, the spectators call them —
during the play. One of these is the
Mountain Meadow massacre, which is il
luminated and intensified by all the
glory and glare of red and blue lire.
Some one surreptitiously mingled a quan
tity of red pepper with the material for
producing tinted flame, and the result
was somewhat surprising, and created
consternation among the temporary
corpses. The mixture, instead of burn
ing with serene halo, went on a tear,
sputtered, flashed, splashed, sparkled,
hissed, crackled and flew in fiery, blis
tering showers over the hands and faces
c>f the boys who held the pans, and over
those of the dead, whose vitality was re
stored in a miraculously natural manner.
One of the murdered women, who lay
prone upon her back with her head hor
ribly gashed and a yawning bleeding slit
across her beautiful throat —dead as a
door nail —was svflashed, and revived with
startling sudc®ness. She howled,
groaned, and flopped over, exclaiming:
‘Oh! Oh! My God! My eyes are burned
out! I’ll die!’ Other corpses writhed,
rolled, flupped, howled, and groaned.
An immoderate amount of profanity
bubbled from resurrected lips, and resur
rected lungs poured out vast volumes of
hard, hoarse coughs as the curtain cut
the sight from the auditorium. (Several
of die stage people suffered many small,
blisters, but none were seriously i k "
TERMS : SI.OO prAnnum. In Advnc.
NUMBER 50.
Clipped Paragraphs.
A foot note—Sole.
The wasp is a stem-winder.
Curs to mankind— The dog-days.
Bred on the waters —Mosquitoes.
Cole steal — Hooking a lump of ice.
Cottoxades a man to dress cheaply.
Sighed tracks—Wrinkles on the fore
head.
Absolutely false—A set of artificial
teeth.
A dyixg bequest is almost a dead give
away.
Book-keeping in one lesson — Never
lend them.
• A fixed fact—One that gets in a
woman’s head.
The length of a lady’s train should
never be under a foot.
“ His profession! What is his prosea
eion?” “ Madame, he pedals music.”
Why is anything that is unsuitable
like a dumb person? Because it won’t
answer.
Ax Erie girl calls her fellow, who is a
member of the Michigan crew, her even
ing’s tar.
Editors get one important item of
subsistence at a low price—they get bored
for nothing.
“ I am like a calendar,” said a cheerful
old man of four score; “ my days are all
numbered.”
“Most people neglect the eye,” says a
writer. Prize-fighters don’t. They always
go right for it.
Why are good resolutions like a squal
ling babe at church? Because they
should be carried out.
A lady joking about her nose, said:
“I had nothing to do shaping it.” It
was a birthday present.
It is hoped that the uninitiated do
not think that the quoins used by print
ers are made of gold or silver —they are
only wood.
Although man is the only animal
that can be induced to drink liquor, beef
occasionally gets corned.— Philadelphia
Chronicle-Herald.
The young man who wrote and asked
his girl to accept a “ bucket” of flowers,
became a little pale when she said she
wooden ware it.
Ax exchange says that the individual
who “ stole a march,” has been put in the
same cell with “procrastination,, the
thief of time.”
She was plump and beautiful, and he
was wildly fond of her. She hated him,
but, woman-like, she tried to catch him.
And yet what was he?—A flea„ N
A Virginia judge holds that a hus
band cannot be slandered by his wife.
They are one in the eyes of the law, and
she has a right to slander either half.
"Have I not my son,” said an indul
gent father, “given you every advan
tage?” “ O yes, but I couldn’t think of
taking advantage of you, father,” replied
the young scapegrace.
“ What quantities of dried grasses you
keep here, Miss Stebbins? Nice room
for a donkey to get into?” “ Make your
self at home,” she responded, with sweet
gravity.
Under her window he sang of the stars,
And likened them to her eyes.
Miles away she sped on the ears,
With the tinner wlio’d won the prize.
It is a mournful comment on human
vanity to see the mourners looking back
on turning a corner, to ee if the length
of the procession is worthy of the corpse.
—Saturday Night.
It ij singular that men will go playing
sweet to other men’s wives, when there
are so many billions of accomplishes
spinsters only waiting to conjugate the
verb “ amo, ainavi,” in Massachusetts.
“ Professor, the carriage is ready,”
cried a porter, protruding his head
through a hotel office door in Boston.
Thirty-seven men instantly jumped to
their feet and bowed.— Oil City Derrick.
Lord Holland told of a man ternark
able for absence of mind, \vho, dining
once at some sort of shabby repast,
fancied himself in his own house, and
began to apologize for the wretchedness
of the dinner.
“ You seem sad and dejected to-night,
Claude, dear.” “Yes, darling; men of
my emotional nature are easily affected
either by the smiles or frowns of fortune.”
His washerwoman had discharged him.—
Andrews’ Bazar.
The Boston Transcript wants a per
sonal pronoun of a common gender, and
the Post suggests Drmarywalker. This
will be apt to engender trouble between
“ He, she, it and the Postman.”— N. Y.
Commercial Advertiser.
“ The milis of the gods grind slowly.”
This is all because the hands are paid by
the day. Will the gods never learn that
it is to their interest to let out work by
contract?— St. Louis Republican.
Oxe reason why men restore lost wal
lets to their owners is because they were
seen to pick them up. A dark night
and a fat wallet would have given even
old Ben Franklin a close shave.
The best burglar alarm is to have' a
marriageable young lady in the house.
When the burglar comes along that way
he sees a dim light in the parlor; and
he’s human. He wouldn’t disturb the
sentimental symphony that’s going on
within. It’s booty—not beauty—that
he’s after.
Mormonism received something of a
check a month ago in northeast Georg- : A
by the killing of one of the saint j > or
bishops, sent there to gather i* disci
ples. Now the disease has brM en 011 1 in
Clay and
Carolina. the people there have
tako~ lC * 111 band the most decided
.manner, ordering the preachers to leave
for Salt Lake within thirty days.