Newspaper Page Text
TRENTON, GEORGIA.
~ The United States wa9 the first country
to introduce the system of numbering it*
people every ten years.
In India the finest grades of cigars can
be bought for half a cent apiece, and
cigars are considered rather an expensive
luxury at that.
The total receipts of the American
Home Missionary Society from 1802 to
1887 were $11,586,891, and the total re
ceipts of the 24 societies were $100,019,-
808.
The decorations of the late Emperor
"William, which have been handed over
to Emperor Frederick, filled a large case
with ten drawers and thirty-two separate
boxes.
The largest amount of money any man
ever made by his pen in one year, face
tiously remarks the New York Graphic ,
can be put down to an Illinoisan named
Caruthers. He cleared over $150,000.
His pen had a million pigs in it.
It is proposed to raise SIOO,OOO for an
American church building in Berlin. A
number of SIOOO subscriptions have al
ready been secured, and pews are to be
offered to Ameiican colleges and other
institutions at SIOOO each for the free
use of their graduates.
The Russian Nihilists lately arranged
to release the author, TschernischefTsky,
who has been in prison in Astrachan for
thirty-six years on account of writing
two novels displeasing to the censor.
His mental and physical condition was
such that flight was impossible.
During last winter some two dozen
shipwrecked crews were r soiled from
death by the officers and men of the life
saving stations on the Cape Cod coast.
Not a single man of all these crews has
perished. Nearly half a million dollars"
worth of property has also been saved.
The most youthful bank president in
this country, if not in the world, is J.
M. Bailey, Jr., who has recently been
made President of the Minnehaha Na
tional Bank, at Sioux Falls, Dakota, lie
is an Illinois boy,barely out of his teens,
and has already shown capability as a
financier.
It was fortunate in the case of triplets
born lately in Pekin, China, that they
were girls. Had they been all boys,
under the laws of the Empire they would
have been beheaded, as there is a tradi
tion that one of three such children will
invade and attempt to overthrow the
Government.
No Harvard medical student, asserts
the Detroit Free Press , is declared “up”
in his perfesh until he can cut off a leg
without drawing a drop of blood. The
man who owns the leg must also wake
up as from a sweet slumber, and so far
forget himself as to try and scratch the
missing member.
News comes from Berlin that sixteen
young men of the university, some of
them Americans, some English and some
Scotch, have formed themselves into an
international total abstinence society.
An American, J. Warren Forbes, of New
Mexico, is president. Professor Bunge’s
pamphlet, “Die Alkohol Frage,” is their
hand-book of temperance doctrine.
The United States Signal Bureau is
kmaking an effort to render the services
Wof carrier pigeon* available in perfecting
r weather predictions. It has been known
for a long time that the Service would be
much aided if it could receive daily
weather reports from Cuba and the
Bahama Islands. Pigeon-cotes have
therefore been established at Key West,
Fla., under the direction of Lieutenant
Thompson. C
Inventors disposing of continental
patent rights may now ask for a few
thousand extra on account of Switzer
land, the Electrical Review informs it*
readers, for the national council of that
country has at length passed a bill pro
viding for patents for inventions. Most
of our readers will be aware that there
have hitherto been no patent laws in
Switzerland.
“Few people have any idea of the
amount of money taken in by the t uto
matic weighing machines which one sees
in the corridors of the hotels and other
public places,” says the Philadelphia
Times. “They are opened every week,
and the coin is found in a canvass bag
attached to the machine. The act of
unscrewing this bag to take it out has
the effect of automatically closing it, 60
that no one but the proper person can get
at any of the contents. It is said that
these machines generally average a profit
of from S2O to $23 a month in this city,
and the machine at the Broad Street
Station has been known to pay as high
as SIOO for the same time. The company
owning the machines pay a certain per
centage for the privilege of placing them
in prominent places, 1
TW King of Spain will celebrate his
second birthday by a grand fete at the
Madrid Hippodrome. All the school
children will be present. Each child on
entering will be presented with a gold
medal with a picture of the baby
Alphonse. There will be 12,000 cakes,
12,000 rolls, 12,000 cups of chocolate,
and 15,000 pounds of bonbons.
The Scandinavian population grows
at Its root in Castle Garden in New York,
and in all its branches over the land.
The total number is now about 2,600,000,
of whom one-half were born across the
sea. They are divided in about these
proportions: Swedes, 1,000,000: Nor
wegians, 750,000; Danes, 245,000; Ice
landers, 5000. So rapidly have they
increased in Minnesota that they now
number about one-half of the population
of that State. Chicago is the fifth
Scandinavian city in the world, and
Minneapolis the sixth.
The National Academy of Sciences,
which held its annual meeting in "Wash
ington, is the most learned of all Ameri
can scientific societies. Incorporated
by the Government of the United States,
its expenses are paid out of the national
treasury, although its members serve
without compensation. Made by law
the official scientific adviser of the Gov
ernment, it is required, at Government
expense, to enter upon any scientific in
vestigation which may be asked for by
the head of either of the departments,
and its conclusions are accepted as those
of a competent and disinterested tri
bunal.
There are just 401 members of the
House and of the Senate, and to wait
upon them and run errands and hold open
the doors as they pass in and out, and
carry the cards of their callers and take
care of the thousands of bills they put
in, they have employed about 400 people,
who are paid the snug little sum of $684-
000 for doing so. Fact. Every member
has one employe, and for the service of
the same there is paid an average of
about SIBOO each. The snug little sum
of $380,000 is required to pay the salaries
of the Senators, and for the compensa
tion of the members of the House sl,-
695,000 are to be provided, and this
brings the salaries of our national law
makers to a total of over $2,000,000 per
year.
There are vast areas of government
land held by alien landholders in the
United States. The largest tract, 4,500,-
000 acres, is held by the Holland Com
pany of New Mexico. An English syn
dicate holds 3,000,000 acres in Texas.
Sir Edward Reid and a syndicate in
Florida own 2,000,000 acres, 1,800,-
000 acres belong to an English syndi
cate in Mississippi, 1,750,000 to the
Marquis of Tweeddale, 1,300,000 to
to the Philips-Marshal Company, of Lon
don, and 1,000,00) acres to a German
syndicate. These comprise the
landholders. There are, however, a
score or more of persons and syndicates
owning less than 750,000 acres. The
grand total foots up to 20,747,000 acos
of government lands held by aliens in
the United States.
The electricians are greatly annoyed
at the habit persons are forming of get
ting killed by touching electric wires.
They are also angry with the newspapers
for saving that these fatalities tend to
show that electric wires are dangerous.
The Electrical World says that electric
lights have been in use ten years, that
they number 200,000 in this country
alone, and yet le-s than fifty persons
have been killed by them, while every
year sees in America scores of deaths
from ga* alone. The same paper says
that the arc light is dangerous, but so is
a steam engine, an elevator, or a buzz
saw, and that all these things simply call
for proper precautions. “As to all the
talk about burying the wires, it has
nothing to do with the case. It never
will prevent such occurrences any more
than the fact that the gas mains are
under the streets prevents some persons
from blowing out the gas.”
The following interesting particulars
with regard to the manufacture of
quinine are taken from the London Lan
cet: “There are, it is* believed, about
eighteen factories of cinchona quinine in
different parts of the world, in addition
to the government factories and planta
tions in India, where the mixed ‘ bark
alkaloids ’ are prepared to some extent
for local use. Altogether the yearly out
put of quinine may be reckoned at about
4,500,000 ounces. The factories com
prise one establishment in Holland, two
in England, two in Italy, three in France,
four in the United States and six in
Germany. In addition to these are some
experimental works in Russia, and these
appear to have proved so great a success
that the Russian Government is now
making preparations for greatly extend
ing the cultivation of cinchona in the
vicinity of Tiflis, in tne Caucasus. Oper
ations are to be conducted on an immense
•cale.”
Dot’s D ish.
“ She never gets a scolding,
She’s never sent to bed,
She hasn't got a nopkm
Put on her when she's fed:
She plays with me, yet no one
Tells her, * Don't maw? a noise;’
I sometimes wish my dolly
Was me and I was toys."
—Newark Journal.
SIGNS OFTHE SEASON.
1 broke a spray of willo w by the brook,
When out a jet of sprightly talk it shook:
‘"Ho! ho! * I'll kiss with blossoms silver-sleek
That sun-and-wind-browned cheek!”
I found an oakling and plucked off his cap,
When up ne sprung from his o’d nurse's lap:
“Goo 1-morrow and good-aiorrow, friend, to
you:
I’m for the sky—adieu!”
I jieered into so many smiling eyes;
They met my ovm with g anees blithe and
wise:
“Y'ou need not look o’erhead—we violets
show
A little heaven below!”
I stood beside a shallow meadow pool,
1 watched the fairy-shrimps—a twinkling
school:
‘‘"We children of the snn and moistened clod
Comeat spring’s beck and nod!”
I saw a musk-rat high floods could not drown.
Now smoothly swimming through the water
brown:
‘l'll build me summer galleries cool and dank
Beneath the grassy bank!”
I turn d the turf, when out an earthworm
rolled
Uplifting some loose grains of mellowing
mold:
“I must make haste to stir and break the
soil,
To help good farmers’ toil ! n
I saw a spider stretch her gossamer ropes;
She told me of her secret plans and hopes:
‘‘l catch the midge, an 1 tangle in my clues
Sunbeams and rainbow hues!”
I heard a honey-bee that, hovering low
Above the grass, sang songs of long ago:
“New year, new flowers, new sweets, new
joys—and yet
The old I’ll not forget!”
I started wide awake, and looked about;
I heard a flicker from his watch-tower
shout—
And “quick-quick, quick-quick, quick-quick,
quick-quick—quick!”
His rousing notes fell thick!
—Edith M. Thomas, i Wide Awake.
ON THE TRAIN,
A STORY OF THE GREAT BLIZZARD.
“It’s no use, ladies and gentlemen, we
can go no farther. We have done the
best we know’,” said the conductor in
tones that he meant to be ordinary and
commonplace, but which had an ill-coa
cealed ring of apprehension in them, de
spite his effort, “You can make your
selves as comfortable as you can, and in
two or three hours an engine will be
started from the other end of the road to
help us out,” he continued,aud passed on
to the engine.
This was provoking. There was a
whole train load of people, fully ten miles
from Flemington, on a little branch road
in New Jersey, stopped by the snow.
At the conductor's announcement, some
of the men arose from tneir sea’s, and
leisurely walked out after the conductor,
with a look of intense disgust on their
faces. The lady passengers shivered as
they looked out of the windows at the
swiftly flying snow, and declared it was
too bad. Each expressed his individual
opinion to his neighbor, and seamed tf>
ease his mind in so doing, some com)
plainingly, some laughingly, the great
majority good humoredly, aud tr/mg t#
make themselves as comfortable as pos
sible, settled down to wait, how long
they did not know.
The conductor went ahead to the en
gine and climbed up into the cab:
“Well, Jim, what's the outlook. Can't
you drive old Seventy-three through it?”
“No, George, it's no go: the bank
ahead is fully five jf.A deep and there is
no doubt but that ™iere is fully fifteen
feet of snow in the cut, and we’re in for
it and no mistake. To back out is out of
the question, as the first car would be
off the track before it had gone a hun
dred feet; the storm is increasing every
moment, and unless they miss us at the
other end of the road and send out help,
there is no knowing when xve will be
out of this.”
“Very well, Jim, we’ll make the best
we can of it; this is not as bad as a
smash-up. Blow the whistle every feiv
moments, so if an engine should be on
the road looking for us they w’ill not run
us down. I’ll go back among the pas
sengers.”
r l he three coaches of the train proba
bly contained 150 passengers, on their
way from Flemington to Bound
Brook. About thirty-five of them were
young ladies on their way to school, and
their lively chatter, with their frequent
bursts of merry laughter, showed that
they were not very sorry that the train
was stuck in a great, nasty, cold snow
drift. The hours wore siowly along and
the storm was increasing in furry in
stead of abating, and the wind, terribly
cold, had increased to blow a gale. The
hour of noon came and went, but no
assistance for the snowed-in travelers.
Some one asked the brakeman to put
more coal on the fire, as the car was get
ting cold. The brakeman shook his head,
and in an aside to the | avenger said that
the coal was nearly all gone. The cry
for coal came from all the cars, and soon
the last bit of coil was gone. The situa
tion began to look despera’e, and the
men gathered in the baggage car to talk
it over away from the women so as not to
arouse their fears any more than possible.
All suggestions were quickly proven im
practicable, there was no way out. At
last some one said, “well, we need not
freeze to death, we arc standing in the
woods; get axes and I’ll be one to go
out and cut wood, and another party can
go in search of some hou e where we can
get food. A search through the train
brought to light two axes, and a party of
five started out into the woods; two
worked at cutting down, while the others
dragged the wood to the train. In this
way the fires in the cars were soon going
again, though it kept the two axes work
ing lively to cut enough wood; but there
was no lack of hands, as the men were
willing and anxious to work. The party
that started out in search of a farm house
was not so successful. After three hours
tramping through the cold and snow,
thev were forced to return, unsuccessful,
to the train, cold, weary and hungrier
than ever, though there was not a man
among them who would acknowledge
that he was the least bit hungry. “It
was for the sake of the ladies, you know.”
And so the night closed in around them,
the wind howling, the drifts getting
deeper every moment.
.. la( i y passenger* on the
Amoig '-he la 7 !1 • k tittle scbooi
train was a brip fv. wa . to her school.
marm who wasoii pleasant as
1 She was just as sw snoW .
though there m The world.
1 and cold and d - tbe ot her ladies
j She went around them that the
cheering them up, as it might be,
storm was not ha t 0 come soon.
and that help ' up ‘ imine nsely. There
Bhe cheered then P gecmed to be
was a J OllO -”, ter ascort. He did
traveling with ht yieW of affairs that
I Y ,t t, ke h e‘iust -cowled and growled,
first'a * the trainmen, “they were a lacy
se t- ’ then at the railroad company, tlicv
rV ‘ rare a rap for the comfort of
d ' * Ln a-rs ’ then at the beastly
storm*' 1 When the men went out to cut
i i did not go, “he was not a
Woo t Conner ’’ and” when the little
wood « h-IIP jf lie Wils going with
rerneVn search of some food he de
clined with thanks m no very gentle
tone of voice, asking her if she “thought
him a fool.” Some of the male mem
bers of the company kind of clenched
their fists as they heard his harsh answer
to her, and saw the pained expression
on her sweet face, but they said nothing,
only a muttering of something that
sounded like “pitch him in a snow
drift ” at which his lordship glared
around, but no one flinched. _
There was another young man in the
mere duutuw. .• & . —-
party who attracted attention, but
not in the same way as the escort of
the schoolmarm. When anyone sug
-1 treated anything that promised relief, he
was a voluuteer to try it; he cut wood
for a while and then came back and
took snow in the water cooler to
the engine and melted it for drinking
1 water for those in the car, and did a
dozen other little things to smooth over
the discomforts of the time. One thing
was noticeable, he studiously avoided
the little schoolmarm and her
escort. When the escort noticed him
working away his blonde moustache was
i seen to curl, which proved that the lip
that bore it was sneering. The little
schoolmarm looked rather strange at
times at the active young man, and
when they chanced to come near each
other, which was seldom, she avoided
his glance.
The hours of the night wore slowly
away, the men worked in relays at chop
ping wood; a party with one ax in the
woods chopping, another party with the
other ax was in the baggage car cutting
the wood into proper length to go into
the stoves.
The active young man had helped pull
up the car seats and arrange them into
couches for the ladies, as being more
comfortable and easy than the seats
proper, and he kept bringing in large
armfuls of wood to put in the stove.
The escort was walking up and down
like a bear in a cage, growling and in
everybody's way; he walked from one
car to another and kept the doors on the
swing, letting in lots of coid air and
letting everybody know that he was
hungry. Somebody suggested to him
that there was plenty of snow, and to
help lnmself. He tried to annihilate
the offender with a glance.
The escort went into the baggage car
to watch them chop wood: a box stood
in his xvay and in passing be chanced to
strike his”foot against it; this provoked
him and he gave it a hard kick for spite.
The kick crushed in the side of the box
and out roiie-l acract-or! This discovery
was hailed with delight.
“Here’s a go,” exclaimed the escort,
“I don’t care who they belong to, I’m
going to help myself. Come, gentlemen,
help yourselves and take some in to the
ladies.”
There was no hesitation under the
circumstances; they considered them
selves justified, and the crackers quickly
vanished out of the box. The baggage
master smiled a quiet smile wheu he
looked on the box and saw the name of
the person to whom it was being shipped.
The escort, after his supper of crackers,
took the warmest and best seat by the
stove, and went to sleep.
The gray dawn began to appear
through the still driving snow, and those
who had been sleeping began to rouse
from their fitful slumbers. All looked
wan and haggard. Several of the ladies
had been utterly prostrated from the
cold, hunger and worry. Something
must be done. It was suggested to make
another attempt to find a house, but the
I bravest looked out at the blinding, biting
storm, and shrunk back. The active
young man looked out at the storm aud de
liberated a lew moments; then buttoned
up his coat, pulled his cap down over his
ears, put on his gloves, aud prepared to
start out. “Where are you going?” was
asked by several. “I am going to find
something for the relief of these sick
women or get frozen, I don t know
which.” So saying he opened she door
and disappeared in the storm without.
The little schoolmarm uttered a half
articulate cry, and stretched forth her
hand as if to detain him, but he did not
see or hear her, and those who saw her,
thought that it was from a natural dis
like to see anyone expose themselves to
danger. The 'weary hours of another dav
began to drag along. Those who had not
forgotten to wind up their -watches the
night Before, said that it was near noon,
and the active young man had not re
turned. Some thought that he had
fallen in a drift and been frozen, others
guessed that he had found shelter, but
would not venture out again. The little
schoolmarm looked sober and anxious,
and more than once a suspicious mois
ture might have been detected in her
bright eyes. She wept and conversed
with her escort in alow tone, but he evi
dently was out of sorts and spoke very
gruffly and said as he handed
her some crackers: “If you are
hungry eat those.’’ He had filled
his pockets with the crackers. She
gave the crackers to a child and looked
at him with unutterable scorn, as she
said: “If you are not man enough to go,
1 will.” She buttoned her jacket up to
her dimpled chin, and throwing a shawl
around her shoulders was about to step
out of the door, when one of the men
near her laid a detaining hand upon her
arm. and asked what 9he xvas about to
do? “I am going out to search for the
j young man who went out some time ago,
as no one else will.” This was too much
for the nen. “You stay here and I will
go,” sail one, “and I,” “and I,” said
others. So muffling up. the rescuing
party started, and the little schoolmarm
kept behind with the others and
watched.
In about half an hour there xvas a
shout. The rescuing party had returned
and they bore among them the apparent- '
ly lifeless form of the active young man.
They brought him in the ear and laid
him on one of the improvised couches.
Life was not extinct, but it would have
been ere long had he not been found, lie
lia l evidently reached some house and
was on his way back, for clasped in his
arms when they found him in a huge
drift, where he had sunk exhausted, were
fi e loaves of bread and a whole ham.
When the little schoolmarm saw that he
was cot dead, she brightened up won
derfully and was as brisk as e er.
They rubbed the active young man
with snow and finally brought
him back to consciousness. In the
excitement of restoring the active young
man, the provisions, for which he had
risked his liie, were forgotten, until
some one discovered the escort ic one
corner of the ear cutting great slices off
the liam with his jack knife. He was
immediately requested to desist, aud
was escorted out on the platform of the
car by two or three strong men. A few
moments after he was seen to crawl out
of a snow-bank.
Somehow or other the little school
marm seemed to get near the active
young man. and those standing arcund
were surprised to see that they knew
each other, and as the little schoolmarm
seemed able to take care of him the
other people gradually gathered at the
other end of the car and left them alone,
casting knowing looks in their direction
c* o
every once in a while. A short time
afterward the little schoolmarm to'd a
lady, whose acquaintance she had
formed, that she and the active young
man had been lovers, and had quarreled,
and that the escort had come between
them, she thinking that he was a nice
young man, but now she saw his true
character, and that all had been made
up between the active young man and
herself, and everybody voted that this
was as it should be.
Someone chanced to look out of the
window aud discovered that the storm
w«a over nod iiiat then in the distance
was heard the shrill, clear whistle of the
locomotive. Help was coming. Jim
tried to blow an answering blast on the
whistle of old Seventy-three, but steam
was low and the whistle frozen fast. In
a few moments, with much putting and
whistling, three powerful engines forced
their way through the drifts. Then
there was shouting and hurrahing. Five
hundred men soon cleared the snow from
the bound train and the passengers,
with light hearts, were again on their
journey.
When the train drew up at the sta
tion, the baggage-master tapped the es
cort on the shoulder, and said: “Here is
a box that came from your store,” and
handed him the broken cracker box.
The escort looked at the box until the
truth dawned upon him, and then with
something that sounded very like a cuss
word, flung the empty box in a snow
drift and walked rapidly away, with the
laughter of his companions of the train
ringing in his ears.
Sometime, soon after the school term
closes, there is to be a wedding in which
the little schoolmarm and the active
young man will play the prominent
parts and take upon themselves for life
the pledges renewed in banks of snow.
Yankee Blade.
A Wonderful Printing Machine.
The American Bookmaker describes a
machine which takes in paper at one end
and turns out comp etely bound books
at the other at the rate of 5000 copies an
hour. There are three great iron cyl
inders, segmental in form and each
having a diameter of six feet, and
weighing about three tons each. On one
of these are the forms which do the
printing in quadruple series, the other
two acting solely as impres-ion cylinders.
In combination with the cylinder carry
ing the printing forms are ink fountains,
form and distributing rollers, while in
combination with the impression cylin
ders are novel appliances lor handling
(automatically), revising, assembling,
folding, covering and delivering the
complete books. This remarkable con
trivance requires eight tons of paper,
with a corresponding amount of printing
ink, and this it turns into books in a
single day, and it requires twelve box
cars, of 30,000 pounds capacity each, to
transfer the output for a single week.
This machine -is built in Philadelphia by
its inventor and patentee, at whose
establishment the visitor may see in daiiy
and nightly operation no less than six of
these mammoth machines turning with
surprising rapidity and regularity their
miles of paper into printed matter ready
for the perusal of the reader.
Cloud Telegraphy.
A remarkable experiment in signaling
with electric lights was recently made by
the officers of two vessels of the British
navy, the Orion and Espoir, off the port
of Singapore.
The Espoir had sailed from that port
for Kong i.ong, leaving the Orion in the
harbor of Singapore. When the Espoir
was sixty miles distant the Orion sent
her a message by means of the electric
light. But can a light be seen sixty
miles at sea? Certainly not, in its direct
rays; but the Orion threw a brilliant
blaze of light upon the clouds, and the
reflection of this light was distinctly seen
on board the Espoir.
More than this, the Orion, having
thrown upon the clouds a regular message
by means of successful flashes, this mes
sage was read and understo d on board
the Espoir. The question has been asked
whether this means of communication
might not be made of practical advan
tage. It would depend, it is true, upon
the condition of the atmosphere, and
upon cloudless nights there would be
nothing to reflect from, but it seems en
tirely practi, able to make the light of the
most important lighthouses visible much
farther at sea on cloudy nights by pro
viding them with an apparatus enabling
them to throw a series oi reflections upon
the clouds.— Youth's Companion.
Preferred the Younger Brother.
A New York bachelor over seventy
years of age recently visited Maine, fell
in love with a damsel less than half bis
age, was accepted, and went home to
prepare for the coming of his bride.
When all things were m order, instead
of going after the betrothed himself he
sent his brother. The younger man was
pleased with his future sister-in-law, so
pleased that he persuaded her to marry
him before starting for New York.—
- Belfast {Ale.) Frets.
“QUIT YOUR FOOLIN’. 1 *
Jr la is queer! I use’ to think
Emmy didn't care for me.
For whenever I would try
Any lovin’ arts, to see
How she’d take ’em— sweet or scuf-*»
Always, saucy-like, says she;
“Quit your foolin’ 1”
Once, foii church,
Jest to find if it would work,
Round her waist I slipped my arm—
My! ycu'dought ’o seen her jerk.
Spunky? well, she acted so —
And she snapped me up as perk—
“qmit your foolin’!”
Every time ’twas jest the same,
Till one night 1 says, says I
Chokin' some I must admit,
Tremblin’ some I don’t deny
“ Emmy, see n" ’s I don’t suit,
Guess I better say ‘goodby,’
An’ quit foolin’.”
Girls is queer! She only laughed—
Cheeks all dimplin’; “John,” says she,
“Foolin’men, that never gits
Real in earnest, ain't for me"
Wan’t that cute? I took the hint,
An’ a chair, an’ staid, an’ we
Quit our foolin’.
— Judge .
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
“Great Scott!”—Sir Walter.
A couple o’ castaways—Old shoes.
The greyhound is a headlong anim
A cereal story—A lie about the grain
crop.
Chestnut—a new name for an old
thing.
When the tailor gets rich it is by shear
industry.
A blind teacher would naturally have
bad pupil*.
If one were his own dentist he might
have teeth extracted without payin’.
The undertaker may not boast of his
athletics, buthe’3 something of a boxer.
The Cincinnati Commercial speaks of a
petrified girl. She was probably rocked
too much in her infancy.
Most of the unwashed New Y'ork An
archists are Russians. There is very
little serf bathing in Russia.
“X cannot sing the o!d songs
I sang long years ago”
Whereac a cheerful friend remarked:
“Thank Heaven that is so.”
Sho (happily)—“Aren’t the oyste;s
delicious, George?” He (apprehensively)
‘Wes; and so are the crackers. Best
I ever ate!” — Tid-Bits.
As the man in the moon gets full he
shines larger and brighter. The man on
earth who gets full simply gets red ia
the face, and —foolish.
Beer is not generally considered an
expensive drink, but a little porter on a
drawing-room car will often cost you
half a dollar. —Ntw York Newt.
French as She is Spoke.—Patron (to
restaurant waiter): “Got any Brie
cheese?” Waiter (astonished) —“Only
the pair I’ve got on.— Hotel Mail.
“Can anything settle the servant girl
question?” asks a weary housekeeper.
To which we respecfully reply: ‘‘Yes,
the kerosene can.” — New York M rcury.
Papa (of Calvanistic faith, has just
heard that Mollie was at the theatre last
evening)—“Good morning, daughter of
Satan ” Mollie—“ Good morning, fath
er.” — Life.
There are 1010 medicines in the
pharmacop i a of the United States, and
in most communities there is one man
who has tried every one of them before
discovering that there never was any
thing the matter with him.
Father (to would-be son-in-law) —
“Young man, will you be able to tak&
care of my daughter in the style in
which she has always been accustomed?”
Y’oung Man—“l’ll guarantee it, sir, ot
return the girl.” —Nets York’Sun.
“None of your sauce to me, miss,”*
said the man who must have his little
joke, with an assumption of brusque
ness, as the waiter girl was about to
place a dish of marmalade beside his
plate at supper.— Detroit Free Pr ss.
“Another big wash out on our line!”
exclaimed the railroad employe’s in
dustrious helpmeet, pointing to the string
of whitened clothes which stretched
from their back window to a house
across the way.— Detroit Free Press.
“Would the ladies be in favor of a
uniform marriage law, do you think?”
asked a member of Congress of one of
his fair constituents; and she replied:
“Very likely, if the uniform were a
pretty one and had a handsome man in
it.”
“Ha, ha! How do you feel now?”
asked one fly of another, which had
been caught on a piece of exterminator
paper, and was in vain trying to wade
through the general stickiness. “Glue
me,” was the brief reply.— Pitt slur g
Chronicle,
“This is very strange,” remarked
Billy Bliven, thoughtfully, after he had
tasted the contents of his butter-dish;
“very strange indeed.” “What is
strange?” “That such delicate, pale
butter should turn out to be so robust.”
—Merchant Traveler.
“I am surprised, Bobby,” said his
father, reprovingly, “that you should
strike your brother. Don’t you know
that it is cowardly to hit one smaller
than yourself?” “Then why do you hit
me, pa?” inquired the boy with an air
of having the better of it.— Epoch.
“Whose picture is that?” asked the
new owner of a Nebraska opera-house of
an artist who had been told to decorate
the building according to his own taste.
“Shakespeare’s,” replied the artist.
“Shakespeare 1 Who’s that? Never
heard of him. Paint it out and put my
picture there.” — Graphic.
At Cannes, in front of a small boot
maker’s shop, the English tourist may
find the following inscription in his own
language: “Repairs hung with stage
coach.” After long and anxious thought
he may arrive at the cobbler's meaning,
who only wishes to inform his numerous
patrons that “repairs are executed with
diligence.”
There is an antiquated custom in
Vienna by which house-owners, instead
of paying their porters properly, allow
them to levy a toil of four cents on every
tenant returning after ten o’clock at
night. The consequence is that the
streets are comparatively deserted after
that hour.