Newspaper Page Text
THE LINCOLNTON NEWS.
VOLUME VII. NUMBER 39.
Cuba la constitutionally agitating for
lelf-goveroment.
The President has banished Sunday
drills in the army.
The Legislature of Illinois has made it
a misdemeanor to adulterate lard.
It is estimated that a rainy day in a
city of 200,000 people kills $25,000
worth of trade.
Co-education of white and colored stu¬
dents is practiced in the law school at
Baltimore, Md.
Andrew Carnegie, the iron master of
Pennsylvania, wants rich men to set the
example of simple living.
“At no time in the history of the coun¬
try,” asserts the Chicago Sun, “has there
been so many new concerns started up.”
A writer in the Paris Matin indicates
that the next Papal Conclave will bo
compelled by the drift of events to elect
as Pope an English or an Amerioan Car¬
dinal.
An international congress on the im¬
portant subject of the' housing of the
poor, in both its physical and moral
aspects, is to be held in Paris during the
great Exhibition.
England can only find forty men in her
military service who can talk the Russian
tongue, while there 5000 Russian
officers who can handle English with
deadly precision.
The Emperor of China is to send a
commission of three to the United States
“to study the customs and manners of
the middle class, and to particularly in¬
quire if the wearing of socks and stock¬
ings wards off diseases.”
The buried-alive scare has led to the
organization of a company in New York
which proposes to erect a huge mausoleum
in which 40,000 bodies can be placed,
and premature burial avoided and better
sanitary conditions obtained.
The people of India are demanding
home rule, and if they are in earnest
about it, says the Atlanta Constitution,
England will have to get ready for a live¬
ly racket. A united effort in India would
drive the last Englishman into the sea.
ly.
Thx r Governor of Wyoming has just
pardoned a man sentenced to a term of
x years for a murderous assault,on the con¬
dition that if the convict ever drinks an¬
other drop of liquor he shall forfeit his
liberty and be sent back to prison. A
similar pardon was granted in Mississippi
a few years ago.
Twenty years ago corporal punishment
was abolished in New York public
schools. The superintendent says that
judicious praise has been found to be a
greater incentive to study than threats,
scoldings and physical punishment. The
world is surely growing better when such
a statement can be made.
During the six years since it was first
thrown open to the public the Brooklyn
Bridge has been traversed by over one
hundred and forty-six millions of people
—an average of almost twenty-five mill¬
ions a year. These statistics prove more
conclusively than words what a grand
and useful structure it has been.
A half grown American boy can earn a
barrel of flour in a week, and this will
keep him in bread for a year. These
things go to show, Temarks the Prairie
Farmer, that there is no danger of starva¬
tion, hunger, or even want. All theories
to the contrary, food appears to increase
much faster than human beings do.
Commenting on the generous donations
to the sufferers by the Conemaugh flood,
the Washington Star observes: How the
self-made “money-kings” and “merchant
princes” of America shine in comparison
with the Kings and Princes “by di¬
vine right” in the old world when the
hat is passed around in behalf of the
victims of disaster.
There are over 800,000 more widows
than widowers in England, In France
for every 100 widowers there are 194
widows. These facts lead the Westmin¬
ster Review to treat the growing disposi¬
tion of men to marry late in life as a very
serious evil of modern society. Such men
usually marry younger women, who, in
the natural order of things, may be ex¬
pected to survive them.
King Mataafa of Samoa will soon re
ceive a useful present from this country,
The commandant ft. the Mare Island (Cal.,
Navy Yard has been ordered by the Navy
Department to have built a whaleboat
of the finest material and workmanship.
,* «•*»*»
When it is finished it will be sent to
Apia in care of three officers, survivois
of the recent disaster in the harbor of
Apia. The, wn. b« . letter of ftonh.
and gratitude from President Harrison to
the Samoan King.
DEVOTED TO THE INTEREST OP LINCOLN COUNTY.
THE RUINED CITY.
Love found me where amid my wasted years
I sat and gazed with cold, unheeding sight
On fair shafts fallen and scarred with time
and tears—
Palace and temple prone in pallid blight,
Whose gilded peaks once caught the sun’s
first gleams,
When youth and I dwelt in the land of
dreams.
I sat within the shattered porch of Fame,
Whose glittering pinnacles rose highest
there,
Upon whose shrines hope fed the rainbow
flame,
Till hope lay dead beneath the feet of care;
Now through the mouldering roof frost,
wind and rain
Blur its dark courts with many a blistering
stain.
And here fair Friendship had a royal dome;
Pride, Pomp and Pleasure each a house of
gold;
And, oh, more sweet than all, I built a Home
Wherein my days might ripen and grow
old:
Lo, through their hollow chambers wheel
and fly
The owl and bat with melancholy cry.
So on the lifeless mins of the past,
While, like pale leaves of autumn, on my
head
The dust of wan decay fell thick and fast,
I sat among my dying hopes and dead,
Alone and silent in the spectral gloom,
Crouched like a ghost upon a broken tomb;
Till Love, for which I built no sculptured
shrine,
Nor knew in youthful, dream-deluded
years,
Sought me with brow unveiled and eyes
divine,
And led me from that place of dust and
tears,
Par, far away, o’er bright seas blowing balm,
To isles of ease in ultimate pure calm.
— C. L. Hildreth, in Belford's Magazine.
BLENDA.
“The woman has behaved so badly, so
shiftily; those green-eyed women are al¬
ways shifty.”
The speaker was a tall, fair, florid
youth of some twenty-four years of age;
the locality was a smoking-room in the
house of Mr. Horace Ashton, the well
known surgeon, and the hour, to be pre¬
cise, was five o’clock on a dull November
evening.
“You see, she first of all encouraged it,
and led me to believe that she and her
husband would be very glad to see Tina
married to me (she is only Tina’s step¬
mother, you know), and then, when my
big brother came on the scene and began
making up to my little girl—as he does
every heiress—why, then Mrs. Fowler
cooled off, like the snob that she is, and
told Tina that she wasn’t to dance so
much with me, and that—in short, it
wasn’t to be. It was a horrid shame;
don’t you think so, Horace?”
“It sounds rather unfair. But perhaps
Challoner doesn’t really want to marry
Miss Fowler.”
“Oh, yes, he does. He admires her
immensely, to begin with, and then she’ll
have five thousand a year. He’d marry
a witch for two more. You know what
he is; he doesn’t care for Tina; he
doesn’t care for anyone, but himself,
while I-”
“But I don’t quite see what I am to
do, what part I am to play, or how I can
serve you by coming to this supper party
to-night,” interrupted Horace, sharply.
He did not mean to be unsympathetic,
but he was very tired, ana he had heard
so often how much, how very much, his
young friend, Hon. Humphrey Challoner,
cared for the beautiful Miss Fowler.
“Well, I want your opinion and your
advice, which you cannot give until you
have seen the family. I want you to
take particular notice of Mrs. Fowler,
and to tell me what you think of her.
She is years and years younger than her
husband; and some people admire her
immensely. She is awfully vain, I
should add, and more accessible to flat¬
tery than any one I’ve ever met, and I
believe that you might talk her over,
Horace, if you would only take the
I’m trouble.^ You see, you. are clever and
not, and Challoner is an elder son
and a Viscount, and I’m a younger sou
with nothing; and Tina is only eighteen,
and does not come of age until she is
twenty-five, and she says it’ll kill her to
wait so long, and—and altogether we
haven’t a hundred-to-one chance of get¬
ting married unless somebody or other
intervenes in our behalf. Captain Fow¬
ler wouldn’t oppose us, I’m sure, if he
were left to himself; but his wife is
against me, and he is a mere lump of
clay in her hands.”
“All right; I’ll come to the
then, as you are so anxious about it.”
“And you’ll be there by 11:30?”
“Good.”
And, true to his word, at the hour
named Mr. Ashton presented himself at
the door of Captain Fowler’s residence, a
small house on the east side of Davies
street, Berkeley Square. He did not
look forward with much pleasure to the
evening’s entertainment, for he disliked
strangers, and he hated supper parties,
but he was glad to oblige Humphrey
Challoner, of whom he was very fond.
Upon entering the dining room Mr. Ash¬
ton found himself in the midst of a very
lively party that numbered among its
members two pretty Americans, two
wealthy young Guardsmen—to whom the
Americans were laying siege—the Fowler
family, and Captain Challoner,whose ac
count of the family Mr. Ashton soon pro
flounced to be correct.
sion lacked not’a ’plearing’onef frankness, ^ her lx
p res and man
ner suggested an almost morbid vanity,
She had a little air of making a speech
charming to be married for her money.
Captain Fowler was palpably under bis
wife’s thumb—a chiniess beiDg whose
“A hopeless ease,” thought Horace,
after the firs; few minutes’ talk with his
LINCOLNTON, GEORGIA, FRIDAY. AUGUST 2. 1889.
hostess. “This woman is an arrant snob,
and the bare idea of becoming mother
in-law to a viscount has turned her weak
brain; she won’t give in.”
Presently the conversation, which .was
somewhat general, turned upon defective
postal arrangements. One of the Ameri¬
can ladies had lately posted, with her own
fair hand, a letter to a friend in the Re¬
gent’s Park that had never reached its
destination. “Think how many an im
portant communication may have been
lost!” she exclaimed,
“Letters are never lost,” said Captain
Fowler, speaking with all the assertive
temerity of the weak. “If a letter is
rightly addressed and posted, it it deliv
ered.”
“Notalways,” interpolated Horace. “I
could tell a curious story—”
“Oh, do,” interrupted a chorus of fe¬
male voices.
“Ashton tells a story awfully well,”
exclaimed Humphrey Challoner.
“Please tell us your story, Mr. Ashton,”
murmured Mrs. Fowler in a patronizing
tone.
“It is an incident, an episode, rather
than a story,” said Horace. “A story, we
are told, demands three things—a begin¬
ning, a middle and an ending. My tale
has only a beginning. And now to be¬
gin ; and I must make it short, for the
hour is late.
“One November day, five years ago, I
happened to come in earlier than usual,
at about 4 p. m. , feeling very tired and
desperately sleepy. I ordered tea to be
brought up at once, but before I had fin¬
ished my second cup I fell fast asleep,
with a newspaper and some letters that
my servant had just handed me lying in
my lap unopened, and my fox-terrior,
Nell, dozing at my feet. I must have
slept, I suppose, for nearly an hour, when
I suddenly woke with a violent start that
sent both newspaper and letteis flying on
to the rug, the former bursting its cover
in the fall.
“When I had sufficiently recovered
from the shock of this rude awakening to
make any move, I stooped down and
picked up the letter that was nearest to
me, and which happened to be lying seal
uppermost, and without even glancing at
the address tore open the envelope and
proceeded to read its contents. They
were startling, I must admit.”
“Was the letter from a lady or a gen¬
tleman, Mr. Ashton?” asked one of the
Americans.
“From the former, and it stated that
being weary of life and unable to submit
any longer to paternal tyranny, she in¬
tended to avail herself of her darling's
oft-repeated request that she should fly
with him, and that she, therefore, re¬
quested him to meet her ‘at the terminus
here’ (where ‘here’ might be I know not,
for there was neither date or address af
fixed) on Tuesday next at 4:15. I had
scarcely had time to finish the letter, or
to wonder who could have written it to
me, when my ^servant entered with a
telegram demanding an immediate an
colUsion with Nell, ZIZm
/ I d ° nCe i eg “,d° I
ZlTZLf f dispatched ; I
looked around for tlic t cover of the
mysterious epistle, which I had decided
by that time ought never to have fallen
into my hands; but it was nowhere to be
seen.. I asked Cuthbert if he had no
ticed it-a long, white envelope.
“ ‘I suppose; sir,’ he answered in an
agrieved tone, for he and I were often at
issue where Nell was concerned, ‘that
that was what the dog had got hold of
just now. I did try to take it from her,
but I know you don’t like to hear her
bark. She dropped 15 it at last, * ’.. and I
threw‘tv ,, into the fire, , but , it was just a
mere pulp then. You couldn’t have
read what was written on it.’
“So the envelope was destroyed, and
with it had gone every chance of my ever
being able to restore its contents to their
destined recipient. Cuthbert then pro¬
ceeded to inform that he had only brought
me in two letters—blue ones—with the
newspaper, and there they both were, on
the table, still unopened. So this third
epistle, which was, unquestionably, never
intended for me, had evidently arrived
between the leaves of the Field, and had
slipped out when the latter burst its cover
in falling from my lap. During the fol
lowing Tuesday afternoon, which was an
awful one, I often thought of the un¬
happy young victim to paternal tyranny
and hoped that she came to no serious
harm.”
“Buther name,Mr. Ashton,” exclaimed
the American, “we’re all dyingto hear her
name. Was there no signature?”
’ “There was, but—good heavens! you’ll
be burnt 1” The last remark was ad¬
dressed to Mrs. Fowler, who, in stretch¬
ing across the table to reach some bontons,
had nearly set fire to her lace sleeve.
With great presence of mind Horace
seized her arm with one hand, whilst with
other he drew back the candle, but. only
just in time to avert a catastrophe; and
then, as his eyes met those of his hostess,
it occurred to him, in a flash of revela¬
tion, that this diversion had not been
wholly unpremeditated. “Her name,”
he continued, after a moment’s pause,
“was—But, no! it is not fair to
give up the name; it was such an uncom¬
mon one, too.”
Oh, the look of relief that came into
those light green eyes! If Horace had
doubted for one moment the truth of his
suspicions, he was quite sure now that
they were correct.
“It could not have been a more un¬
common name than my wife’s,” said
Captain Fowler proudly, as if his wife’s
uncommon Christian name reflected
luster upon- the whole household, “I
should think, dear, that you were the
only Blendainall England.”
“Very possibly,” said Horace dryly.
The following day, Mr. Ashton, who
received patients honored at home throughout the
morning, was by a visit from
Mrs. Fowler. She had hurt her wrist in
that little encounter with the caudle, and
had deemed it wiser to consult a surgeon.
After giving the case his careful con
sideration, Horace hastened to assure his
fair patient that there was nothing amiss;
she had only been frightened, not hurt,
“That was a very interesting story you
were telling us last night, Mr. Ashton,”
said Mrs. Fowler in a low, nervous tone,
as she was leaving the room. “Have you
kept that wonderful letter?”
“I have. I thought I had destroyed
it, but I came across it the other day in
turning out the contents of an old dis¬
patch box. But I mean to burn it.”
“When?”
“Oh, before long. at' I cannot do it now,
for the letter is the top of the house,
and I have at least have a dozen patients
waiting to see me. But as you are so
much interested in the story .Mrs. Fowler,
I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll burn the
letter in your presence; I’ll bring it up to
Davies street-”
“Yes, yes! But when?” very im¬
patiently.
“Must I fix a date? Shall we say, then,
when I come up to pay my visit of con¬
gratulation? Your step-daughter's en¬
gagement to my old friend Humphrey
Challoner is an open secret.”
Mrs. Fowler turned crimson with
anger, and for a moment made no reply;
then, as Horace was opening the door,
she paused for the second time: j
“Mr. Ashton, don’t judge me too
harshly. I was young at the time-only
eighteen; and I was very miserable. You
don’t know, perhaps, the evil of an over- !
repressive system of education. But, be- *
lieve me, I thank God every hour of the
day that I was saved from eloping with
that—scamp. The miscarriage of that let- :
ter saved me. I went up to the terminus
(at Portsmouth), caught a severe chill
bed dawdling about in the cold, and was in
for weeks afterward. When I re
covered my father was—gone.”
“I do not judge you harshly, Mrs.
Fowler. I do not judge you at all. It
is not my place-and I need not add that
you may consider my silence a point of
honor. But you’ll plead Humphreys
cause with your husband; won’t you?
Ah! I know you will. Good-bye.”
“So my story has an ending after all,”
thought Horace as he rang for his next
patient to be shown in, “but it might
have had a very different one if I had
only glanced at the address of that letter
before breaking it sseal. It is strange how
the little thing and the great thing—that
which is forgotten as soon as ended and
that which is never forgotten—to our
lives’ end hang together .”—London 8o~
ciely.
The Romance of Chess.
The great game of"chess has its tender,
its romantic, side, as no game can have
at which more than two people can play.
It smiles on lovers, and can even be the
cause of love. Only a few years ago a
chess player condemned to live in the
country solaced his solitude by playing
games by correspondence. Post cards
dmly - brought , ,, or daily , ., took his mote,
! Hls antagonist was a lady; before the
f°? teSt T- he K kn ° wthl ?
( iaay, and their acqaain fence ripened
I into intimacy, intimacy into love, and
! love was crowned with marriage. And
SESKJ MS. i 5£S
of the game. So they invited fromLon
don a certain clergyman % whose genial
face _u the front Mars himself”_is
™ „ 11 , kn ln " , hess c • ! rcles; , r \ .
°' vn
f Le f ^ 1 a T er °. f f hls f m ‘ ne ^ Ce Cele ‘
br f tkelr “ whe “' 3nde f 0 ° m
an d bride , rose from the wedding break
fast Jt to t0 ° f
Ah! ka PPy.- t ha PPy ° pair, under f what w
, bappy auspices did you start on the high
™y of marriage ! What a fine air of ro
f' anc ®.’ of “ e I“ ess ’ hu S erS r0Uad
^ lines of LordLytton:
Ere ^ we httle were love grown - do T so ou sadly remember, wise,
Those evenings in the bleak December,
Curtained warm from the snowy weather,
)Vhen Checkmated you and by I each played other’s chess eyes? together,
Ah! still I see your soft white hand
Hovering warm o’er queen and knight.”
And so on to the sad close, when th«
poet laments:
“That never, never, never more,
As in those old still nights of yore,
Ere we were grown so sadly wise,
Can you and I shut out the sides;
Shut out the world and wintry weather,
And Play eyes chess exchanging played warmth together.” with eyes,
as then we
— Gentleman's Magazine.
Thick Skinned Animals.
The whale,which belongs to the mam
malia,no doubt holds the palm for thick
ness of skin. At some parts of its body,
the skin is only two inches thick, but in
many places its pelt is fully two feet in
thickness. The skin of the whale is the
substance usually known as blubber, and
in a large specimen will weigh altogether
more than thirty tons. The distinction
of being the thickest-skinned quadruped
belongs to the Indian rhinoceros, whose
hide has a knotty or granulated surface,
and is so impenetrable as to resist the
claws of the lion or tiger, the sword, or
the balls of the old-fashioned musket.
So stiff and hard is this skin that were it
not divided by creases or folds the ani
mal imprisoned in its armor could scarce
lymove. It is manufactured into leather
of great strength shields and durability, and tar
gets and are made of it that are
absolutely proof against darts or sword
strokes. The skin of the hippopotamus
runs that of the rhineroceros very closely
as regards thickness. When dried it is
also used for shields, which are highly
prized by natives.
The First Bridges.
The first bridges were of wood, and the
earliest, of which we have any account
was built in Rome 500 year B. 0. The
next was everted by Julius C«sar for the
passage of his army across the Rhine.
Trajan’s great bridge over the Danube,
4770 feet long, was made of timber.with
stone piers. The Romans also built, the
first stone bridge, which crossed the
Tiber. Suspension Chinese bridges are of remote
origin. A one mentioned by
Kircheu was made of chains supporting.!
roadway 830 feet in length, was built
A. D. 65, and is still to be seen. The
first large iron bridge was erected ntilwovs over live
Severn in 1777. The age of
has brought a remarkable development iu
this branch of engineering, especially in
the construction of bridges of iron and
steel,— Mail and Express. J,
BUDGET OF FUH.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
The Railway Dinner—Explaining His
Smallness —From a Baseball
Standpoint—His First Was
One, Etc., Etc.
“Superflsh.” Bing!
“Stakerlivar.”
‘‘Pieorpud.” Bang!
“Tearoough.” Bung!
‘Cheesercrackers. Sling!
‘ *
“Nutsrapples.” Slang!
All out! Slung!
Fifty cents! Awlaboard?
Ph-wiz!
EXPLAINING HIS SMALLNESS.
“How is it your Tommy is so small
for his age, Mrs. Briggs?”
“Oh, the little dear always was a shrink
ln . K chlbl explained , . . its mother— .. „
.
York Sun.
FROM A BASEBALL STANDPOINT.
She—“How did you like our new
minister yesterday?”
He (a bashful crank)—“Oh,
make a good pitcher in time; his delivery
it pretty puzzling .”—Harvard Lampoon.
ms first was one.
Mr. McCrackle—“Young Brown won’t
have to wait ten years before celebrating
his ‘tin’ wedding.”
Mrs- McCrackle_“How is that?”
Mr. McCmckle-“He married a girl
worth $200,000 m her own right.’—A«e
Farit -Sun.
A DESPERATE ALTERNATIVE.
He (poor and idle)—“You reject my
hand. Cruel girl! Reverse your decis
ion or I shall do something desperate ’
She (an heiress who knows he woos
her to be maintained)—“Go to work, I
suppose!”— Siftings.
NO INTERMEDIATE STATE.
Caller (at a hotel)—“I cannot find
Colonel Kaintuck.”
Clerk—“Isn’t he in the barroom?”
Caller “No.
Clerk—“My! My! Inquire at the
morgue .”—Few York Tribune.
A HIGH-SPIRITED GIRL.
“But if you don’t love him, Clara,why
are you going to marry him?”
“Because he dared me to, mamma,
He knew my high-spirited nature, too.
Oh, I’ll make him sorry enough for it—
don't you be afraid.”— Chicago Tribune.
hope ri-K nas ru ablest.
. Fiii - r li _ Missouri _ boy left
years ago a
his home anti started out to become the
President of the United States.
He got as far as Cincmu-.it> The boy
is now a man, and he is also one of the '
best shoemakers in the Ohio State Prison
—Life. 1
| a judge of art.
Lunkhead, Bobbv (to his beau, sister) judge — “Is of Mr. arts De ?” j
your a ;
Sister—“A very good judge, Bobby.
But why do you ask?”
Bobby—“Oh, he told me last night
that he was going to get the man who
painted your portrait to paint his house.”
— Drake's Magazine.
BETTER LEFT UNSAID.
Mr. Jonathan Trump—“You arc
charming to-night.”
■ Miss Penelope Peachblow—“Indeed?
What nice things you men say! Mr.
Brown just told me the same thing.”
Mr. Jonathan Trump (anxious to de¬
preciate believe he his rival)—“Of course you don't
meant it!”— Life.
,,, -S ° °.l a m,ti Tl ' bbs BIGr015 re™™ i, 1 *’/ 8 me, does a
, kc? , el '’T:® feTGat ero
'
mes, Bill and j I did. Did he says any
thing about me!
' X5. s ^
’
“What did he say ?
‘Mhen I told him that I was your
daughter, pa-paw, he said he never would
have believed it.
-
out hunting.
“My dear fellow; you can't imagine how
I felt the first time I caught sight of a
squirrel—a real, live squirrel ! My heart
jumped into my throat. What joy!
What emotion! I raised my gun to my
shoulder, took aim, and fired. The gun
went off all right”
“Well?”
“And so did the squirrel.”
baseball lingo.
Baseball Maiden—“Yes, Mr. Joblots,
a n j s over between us. Here is the
r i ng .”
Mr. Joblots—“I am to understand,
then, Mabel, that our engagement is at
an end?”
Baseball Maiden—“Exactly. I give
y 0 u your release, and expect to sign a
new man the latter part of the week,
Good-bye .’’—Minneapolis Tribune.
JOHNNIE WAS PRACTICAL.
Stranger—“I say. Johnnie, is it against
the laws to catch fish sir.” in that ]jpnd£’
Johnnie—“Yes,
“But there's a police officer^ fishing
there now. He wouldn’t do so if it was
against the law. ^
“ Well it may not be against . the State
>
taw to catch fish in that P otu “ u 1 ' ®
of for there . t
>'g ainst the laws nature, isn
a blessed fish in it. Statesman.
NEW RULES.
Hotel Clerk (suspiciously) — “Your
! bundle has come apart. May I ask what
that queer thing is?” patent fire
i Guest—“This is a new es
cape. I always carry it, so in case of fire
I can let myself down from the hotel
; window. See?”
! Clerk (thoughtfully)—“I see. sir, Our
terms for guests with fire escapes, are
invariably cash in advance .”—Hta Ter i
Weekly.
A FKCTnJtSg APPEAL.
Prodigal Bon (feelingly)—“Father, I’m
in hard luck again. Debts of honor, you
know. The boys are down on me and I
come to you for—a—a—succor.”
Obdurate Father (freezingly)—“Waste
no words, young man, I’ve nothing but
advice to give you. Go to those dear
“boys” and, in the delightful vernacular
with which you are familiar, inform
them that the old man cannot be worked
for a sucker.”— Pittsburg Bulletin.
A FINANCIAL NECESSITY.
Anxious Young Man—“What will you
charge for publishing this list of persons
who have been killed by eating ice
cream?”
Managing Editor—“About $50.”
Anxious Young Man—Well, print it.
I am secretary of the Trying-tp-save-a-cent
Young Men’s Club, and we must do some¬
thing to counteract the present expen¬
sive craze, or drop out of society.”—
Omaha World.
A GLIMPSE OF HER FUTURE.
Flossie is six years old. “Mamma” she
asked one day, “if I get married will I
have a husband like pa?”
“Yes,” replied the mother with an
amused smile.
“And if I don’t get married will I have
to be an old maid like Aunt Kate?”
“Yes.”
“Mamma” (after a pause)—“It's a
tough world for us women, ain’t it?”—
Binghamton Republican.
A TRAMP PHILOSOPHER.
First u - Ere beneF0
comes # .
lent _ lookin - old chap , pard . Le f s tackle
^ for the price of a night's lodgin'.”
Second Ditto (something of a philoso¬
pher)—“Don’t you think of it, Bill; let’s
wait for somebody that’s half full. Them
benevolent-lookin’ducks always wants to
organize themselves into a society, elect
a board of directors,and ’ire a orfice afore
thev gives you a cent. T’other sort is the
sort to lay ' for.”_ Grip.
_ »
A THOUGHTFUL FRIEND.
“Who was that you bowed to on the
car?” she asked of her friend, as they
stood in a store-door on Woodward
j avenue. “That's
“How sweetly she bowed back.”
“Yes,we love each other dearly. When
her father died last year I was the only
friend she had thoughtful enough to
count the carriages and tell her there
were fortv-seven .”—Detroit Free Press.
’
T»c CHORUS OF MUSIC.
de-'chter Pod*iiap (to neighbor Bjones)—“My
Angie will be home from
conservatory next week. She has com
pleted her musical education.”
Bjones—“How delighted we shall be!
y ou xvill have a houseful of visitors all
the time, and Miss Annie's entrancing
strains will hold us spellbound. You
charming daughter is a veritable pro
dj.-y ”
Bjoe ;? ;ien minutes afterward, to his
wife)—“Don t distribute that cat poison
just now, Maria. The Podsnap howler
; 3 expected home next we»k. I'll go to
town and see if I can rent a dozen cats
f or the season. I’m bound to enjoy some
rest!”— Drake's Magazine.
WESTERN HAWKSHAWS.
Chicago Police Captain (reporting)—
“Smith was put on the detective force
because he is a great friend of the mur
derer we are looking for.”
Chief of Police—“And Brown?”
C. P. C.—“He is a member of the
3ame secret society as the murderer.”
C. of P.—“And Jones?”
C. P. C.—“Heisthemurderer’scousin,
but not the same name, you know.”
C. of. P.—“And Robinson?”
C. P. C.—“An amateur detective;
perfectly harmless.”
t. of P. (excitedly)—“Just the sort of
carelessness which might give the whole
sna P a "' a v. He might accidentally find
a 0 !ew we couldn’t suppress. Discharge
Robinson at once, and be more careful in
future. ’—Few York Herald.
-
under the silent * * * *. >
u\Vhat makes you so thoughtful to
^
night, George?” asked Nellie.
“Well,” said George, as he threw his
-es t0 tbe ce i;j nc , and took a fresh
*
h old her sleader waist <.j was
tb ; nkdn ° „ tdat jf your mother was willin®
tQ bec me mv mother-in-law, I would
like it much.”
“You would?” : i
“I would, indeed.”
“Then if it will afford vou anv satis
faction I can inform you that I am quite
willing that she should and also that she
is quite willing to act in that capacity in
a quiet and unostentatious manner.’’
And thus under the silent stars the
arran gements were concluded by which
two lives hitherto running apart' are to
be blended into one. and a youth hither
t0 his own master is to stoop under the
voke of a mother-in-law .—Boston
'Courier.
FIGS ALL IN.
Agent—“I want to show you some¬
thing new in safes, sir.”
Bank President—“Just got one.”
Agent—“But this is the new ‘pigs-in
the-pen combination,’ with double time
locks.”
Bank President —“How does it work?”
Agent—“Why, you see, sir, you lock
the cash up in this compartment, the
bookkeeper in the next, the teller in the
next and the President in the last. Each
compartment furnished with folding bed
and all the modern conveniences, sir.”
Bank President—“But what the
dickens do I want to lock the President
up for?”
Agent—“So you can keep watch of the
others; and to relieve your mind of all
undue responsibility here's a slot for night you
to drop this extra key out to the
watchman, who will return it to you at
the proper hour next morning.’
Director (entering)—“Oruer one at
once.”—Nine York Graphic.
SitalpUoa: {US Is Miami.
a fantasy;
What is a girl’s Ufa, pn.fi
A little garden space
Within whose every spring
She sees her beauteous face; V
Whore she is sole possessor
Of all she hears and sees,
From the Anting of the birds in summer;
To the honey of the beee;
Rosy wreaths and strings of pear)
All belong to the happy girl.
And what is a boy’s life, pray*
A quiet, shady nook
Where he has nothing to do but play
Nor ever read a book;
A kingdom of contentment.
Which every hour discloses
Some new delight of sense and sight,
Fresh growth of sweeter roses;
A rich inheritance of joy
That crowns with light the happy bey.
We might be more than happy
And lead such perfect lives,
If all of us were children
And none were husbands, wives;
But boys grow, and girls grow.
Together or apart,
Till some day each discovers
The other has a heart.
This halves their joys and doubles their
cares,
And ends in wrinkles and gray hairs;
In the feet that rock the cradle,
In hands that toil for bread,
The trouble about the living,
The sorrow above the dead.
What can we do, then? Nothing more
Than those who begot and bore ur
T hey make our lives before us
As theirs were made before,
We must be up and doing,
Maidens flying and men pursuing;
Then hey! for billing and cooing,
And ho! for woeingand winning.
The world will never mend;
Love was before the beginning,
And will be after the end.
— R. H. Stoddard, in N. T. Independent.
PITH AND POINT.
A perfect paradox—A beautiful plane
tree.
A man of small caliber is the greatest
bore.
Of what kind of timber is the post of
honor?
Friend—“What’s the matter, old fel
you look haggard?” Author (of re
jected stories)—“I wish I wasHacgard.”
; The town which flies the highest
j Sinks the deepest in the gloom;
: A b j= delinquent tax list
* su P ers “ a ° om ;
.
Female baroers are not having much
success. Gentlemen will not go to them
because they dislike to be cut by a lady.
—Burlington Free Press.
One of the worst of nuisances is
The chap who’s up at early dawn
Making Rasping the lawn-mower nziziziziz.
the whiskers off the lawn!
—Somerville Journal.
‘ You wish to ma>- r ««w of <i>.u e L
The youu^est will get 15,000 m a rk s,
tb" second30,000 and the oldest 45,000.”
“A ou dont happen to h& .e one still
older ?”—Flicgendt Blaetter.
One of the sad things connected with
the hard times in Persia is the fact that
many men with from fifteen to twenty
five wives have had to reduce the number
to three or four.— Detroit F
Old Lady (to her niece)—“Good graci¬
ous, Matilda, but it’s cold! My teeth aro
actually chattering.” Loving Niece—
“Well, don’t let them chatter too much,
or they may tell where you bought ’em.”
Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life Is but an empty dream,
While the maid of forty summers
Keeps her passion —Texas for ice Siftings. cream.
A Tarantula’s Bite.
A big black tarantula that took ship
with a lot of bananas bound from the
tropics for this port made a sensation at
Third and Market streets on Thursday
morning. John Hatton is the presiding
genius of the fruit stand at Third ana
Market streets and it was upon his hand
that the deadly insect left its mark while
he was lifting a heavy bunch of bananas,
Hatton's hand immediately swelled to
prodigious size, and he hastened to the
Jefferson hospital in great alarm. Dr.
Haines took the sufferer in charge, and,
the flabby skin had been cut off,
the wound, which was bleeding
profusely, then burned it with nitrate of
silver and bathed it in aqua-ammonia.
To cap the climax and render the bitten
man poison-proof, Hatton was bidden to
consume as many ' quarts of whisky as he
could swallow. Within a few hours ten
thousand tarantulas with in
legs were dancing a fandango
his eyes. In fact, he was as drunk
as whisky could make him. This
whisky, the doctors think, saved his life,
On Friday Hatton was well again. His
P ain vvas quite gone, and, except for the
bandaged fingers and a dizzy head, ho
himself again. The tarantula was
captured alive and preserved in alchohol.
In a P ufJ >’ ba S beneath its belly were
found hundreds of young .—Philadelphia
^cord.
Angling for Wild Cat. *
As Mr. H. Montreuil was paddling hia
pirogue to the mouth of Chef Menteur.
and Lake Borgne, La., where he was fishing
for green trout, a few days ago, he saw
what he took to be a young deer swim¬
ming, not far away, in the water. H«
immediately gave chase, but on nearing wild
the animal he found it to be a large
cat. The bold fisherman took his rod
and made a cast at the wild cat. IB*
first casts were unsuccessful, but at last
he hooked him under the thigh, when
making fast his pole he began paddling
as hard as he could in order to pull the
wild cat under water and drown him.
Finding himself hooked the wild cat
turned to attack the pirogue and its oc¬
cupant, but the pulling latter, him by tail paddling vig¬
orously, kept foremost,
and in this way, after a protracted strug¬
gle, in which he was nearly worn out,'
Mr. Montreuil succeeded in drowning
the wild cat, and he subsequently landed
him safely. His spoils for the day con¬
sisted of fourteen green trout and one
wild cat.— Times-Democrat.