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BY FREEMAN & BRO.
sitc CMltomt tSimfS.
The New Church Organ;
BT WILL M. CARLETON.
They’ve got a bran new organ, Sue,
For all their fuss and search ;
They’ve done just what they said they’d do,
.And fetched it into church.
They’re bound the critter shall be seen,
~ And oh the preacher’s right
They’ve hoisted up their new machine
In everybody’s sight.
They’ve got a chorister and choir,
Agin my voice and vote ;
For it was never my desire
To praise the Lord by note.
I’ve been a sister good ahd true
For five arid thirty years ;
I’ve done what seemed my part to do,
And prayed my duty clear ;
I’ve sung the hymns; both slow and quick,
Justa3 the preacher read ;
And twice, when Deacon Tubbs was sick,
I took the fork and led ;
And now their bold, new fangled ways
Is cornin’ all about;
And I, right in my latter days,
Am fairly crowded out.
Jo day the preacher, good old dear,
With tears all in his eyes,
Read —“I can read my titles clear
To mansions in the skies.”
I al’ays liked that blessed hymn—
-1 s’pose I al’ays will;
It somehow gratifies my whim,
In good old Ortonville ;
But when the choir get up to sing,
, I couldn’t catch a word J
They sung the most dog-gondest thing
A body ever heard !
Some worldly chap wasstandin’ near,
An’ when 1 seed them grin,
1 bid farewell to every fear,
And boldly waded in.
I thought I’d chase their tuite along,
An’ tried with all my might;
But though my voice is good nn’ strong,
I couldn’t steer it right;
tVh,en they was high then I was low,
An’ also contrawise;
And I too fast or they too slow
To “mansions in the skies.”
An’ after every verse, you know
They played a little tune J
I didn’t understand, an’ so
I started in too soon.
I pitched it pretty middlin’ high,
I fetched a lusty tune ;
But oh ! alas, 1 found that, I
Wassingin’ there alone!
They laughed a little, I am told,
But I had clone my best, .
And not a wave of trouble rolled
Across my peaceful breast.
And Sister Brown—l could but look—
She sits right front of me ;
She never was no singin’ book,
An’ never went to be ;
But then she al’s tried to do
The best she could, she sriid;
She understood the time right through,
An’ kep’ it with her head ; ;
But when she tried this mornin,’ oh,
I had to laugh or cough !
It kep’ her head a bobbin’ bo
It e’en almost came off!
A a’ Deacon Tubbs he all broke down,
As one might well suppose;
He took one look at Sister Brown,
An’ meekly scratched his nose,
lie looked his hymn right thro’ and thro’
And laid it on the seat,
And then a pensile sigh He drew,
An’ looked completely beat;
An’ when they took another bout,
lie didn’t even rise,
But drawed his red bandanna out,
An’ wiped bis w eeping eyes.
I’ve been a sister good and true,
For five and thirty years ;
I’ve done what seemed my part to do,
And prayed my duty clear :
But Death will stop my voice, I know,
For he is on my track,
An’ some day into church will go,
An* never more come back ;
An’ when tlie folks get up to sing—
Whene’er that time shall be—
I do not want no patent thing
A squealin’ over me !
A Wyoming Bull.
Miss , from Wilder’s gulch was
elegantly attired in a handsome buff
grosgrained buckskiu dross, with army
blanket overskirt, bottom looped up
with buckskin strings cut bias. Hair
dressed ala lied Cloud, in which was
twined a few sprigs of sage bush, the
whole secured behind in a bunch with
a handsome pin made with a piue splin
ter and ‘a buffalo’s ear. She wore au
elegant mountain cat skin cap, festoon
ed with antelope tails, secured under
the chin with a rattlesnake skin. Her
feet were incased in buckskin moc.ca
sius ornamented with beads and soldier
buttons. Such created a big sensation
as she entered the hall hanging upon
the arm of Mr. H. Barton, of llallville,
who was dressed in the stylo of his lo»
calily—buckskin breeches in boots,
hunting shirt of the same ornamented
wth beads and tooacco juice, an army
belt of the latest pattern around his
waist securing a pair of six shooters
and a huge bowie knife, which set off
his gallant figure to good advantage.—
Envious glances from both sexes follow
ed this handsone couple round the hall.
Several ladies afnd gentlemen from the
mining districts were present and ex
pressed themselves well pleased with
the manner in which the party was
Conducted. Their frequent exclama
tion of delight, such as “ red hot, you
bet,” “ aint it fruit, though,” “ hoop
!h,” etc., plainly indicated that they
Tvcrc enjoying themselves in the best
possible manner. —Rawlins Correspond
int Laramie Independent.
An Editor Tight. —We believe it
$ rare that editors* indulge in a drop,
&ttt when they do, their readers are
sure to find them out. A Syracuse con
tempoiary was called upon to record a
“melancholy event" at a time when his
I'ead was rather heavy, and did' it up
after the following manner : “ Tester*
day morning, at 4 o’clock, r. m., a man
■with a heel in the hole of his stocking,
Committed arsenic by swallowing a dose
°f suicide. The inquest of a verdict
returned a jury that the deceased
dame to this facts in accordance
his death. He leaves a child and
Six small wives to lament the end of his
untimely loss. In death we are in the
midst of life.
Calhoun Ukcklti Cimcs.
SCARED OUT OF A iVIFF*
A LAUGHABLE BTOEY.
The narrative which I am about to
relate was told to me one bleak, cold
night in a country parlor. It was one
of those nights in midwinter, when the
wind swept over the land, making ev
erything tingle with its frosty breath
that I was seated before a blazing fire,
surrounded by a half dozen jolly boy3
and an old bachelor, Peter Green, about
forty-eight years old.
It was just the night without to make
those within enjoy a good story,so each
of us had to tell his favorite story, save
Mr. Green, and as he was a jolly story
teller, we were somewhat surprised to
hoar him say that he had no story to
tell that would interest us, so we had to
add other entertainments for a while,
when one of the boys told me to ask
him how it happened that ho never got
married. So I did.
Well gentlemen, he began, it does not
seem right for me to tell hoW that haps
pened, but as it i3 about myself, I don’t
care much.
You see when I was young we had to
walk as high as five miles to church and
singing school which was our chief en
joyment. But this don’t have anything
to do with my not getting a wife, but I
just wanted to show you that we had
some trouble them days iri getting our
sport.
John Smith and I were like brothers,
or, like Mary and her lamb, where one
went the other was sure to go. So we
went to see two sisters, and as we were
not the best boys imaginable, the old
gentleman took umbrage and would not
allow, us to come near the house, so we
would take the girls to the end of the
lane, and there we would have to take
the final kiss.
We soon got tired of this sort of fun,
and I told John, on our way to singing
School orie night, that I was going to
take Sadie home, and that I was going
into the house, too.
He said the old man would ruin me
if I did.
I told him I was going to risk it any
how, let come what would.
He said he would risk it if I would.
So we went home withjj the girls.—
When we got to the end of the lane, I
told the girls we proposed going all the
way.
They looked at each other in a way
I didn’t like too well, but said the old
folks would be in bed and they didn’t
care if we did.
They were a little more surprised
when I told them we thought of going
in a little while, but all was quiet when
we got to the house, so we had n> trou u
ble in getting into the kitchen.
Then and there we began our first
court, and I made up my mind to ask
Sadie to be my wife the next time I
6a nie.
It was now past the turn of the tflgfit
and as we had four nailes to walk, I told
John we had better be going. So we
stepped out on the porch, but just as we
did so, the sky was lit up bjf lightning,
and one tremendous thunder peel rolled
along the mountain sides. Its echo had
not died out in the far off vales when
tlie rain began to pour from the garner
ed fullness of the clouds. We waited
for it to stop until we were all sleepy
when the girls said we could go to bed
in the little room at the head of the
stairs which led out of the kitchen, as
their father did not get up early, we
could be home before the old folks were
astir. So after bidding the girls a sweet
goodnight, and hugging them a little
and wishing them many pleasant dreams
and promising them to come back on
the next Sunday night we started to
bed.
We didn’t have far to go, as the bed
stood near the head cf the stairs, John
was soon in bed, but I was a little slow
and full of curiosity, and Was looking
around the little room
At last 1 thought sit dowflon a chest
which was spread over with a nice new
cloth, while I drew off my boots. So
down I sat, when, stars of the east! I
went plump into a big custard pie !
I thought John would die laughing
for he said I smashed that custard all
to thunder and the plate right in
two'.
You see we had to be awful quiet, so
the old man would not hear.
I was now ready to get in bed, so I
put the light out and picked up my
boots thinking to put them in a more
convenient place, when down one of
my legs went through a pipe hole,
which had been covered by paper, up
to my hip.
Now one part of me was up stairs
while the longest part of me was in the
kitchen.
As my leg was very long it reached a
shelf which was occupied by dishes,
pans, coffee pots, etc., and turning it
over with a tremendous crash.
The girls had not retired, and we
could hear them laugh fit to split their
sides.
I felt awful ashamed, and was scared
until my heart was in my throat, for
I expected the old man every mo
ment.
I extricated my leg from the con
founded hole just in time, for the old
lady looked into the kitchen from the
room door and asked what all that noise
was about.
The girls put her off as best they
could and I went to bed, while John
was strangling himself under the cover
to keep from laughing aloud.
We soon went off into,, the land of
dreams with the hope of waking early.
I wish I could tell you my dreams, but
it would take me too long. One mo
ment I would fancy myself by the side
of my Sadie, sipping nectar from her
heaven bedewed lips, and the next I
would be flying from the old man, while
CALHOUN, GA., WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10, 1874.
he would be flourishing his cane above
my head.
This came to an end by John giving
me a kick.
On waking up and looking around
I saw John's eyes as big as my fist,
while the sun was beaming In at the
window.
What to do we couldn’t tel], for we
heard the old man having family pray ir
in the kitchen.
John looked out of the wind <w and
said we could get down over the
porch.
“ Get out and dress as soon as possi
ble,” said he.
So in my hurry my foot got fastened
in the bed clothes, and out I tumbled,
head foremost, turned over, and down
the steps until I struck the door, which
was fastened by a wooden button, and
it gave way and out I rolled in front of
the eld man.
He threw up his hands and cried :
“ Lord save us ! For lie thought it was
the devil.
The old lady screamed until you could
have heard her a mile.
I was so scared and bewildered that I
cou'd not get up at once. It was warm
weather and I didn’t have on anything
but a—well, one garment..
When I heard the girls snickering it
made me mad, and I jumped up and
rushed out of the door, leaving the
greater part of my only garment oh the
old door latch.
Off 1 started for the barn, and when
lialf way through trie yard the dogs set
up a howl and went for me.
When I got into the barn yard I had
to run through a flock of sheep, and
among them was and old ram who back'
ed off a little arid started for me. With
one boUnd I escaped his blow, sprang
into the barn, and beger. to climb up
the logs into the mow, when an old
mother hen pounced upon my legs,
pecking them until they bled.
I threw myself upon the hay, and af
ter John had slid down the porch into
a hogshead of rain water, he came to
me with one of my boots my coat, acd
one of the legs of my pants.
He found me completely prostrated.
Part of my shirt, my hat, one leg of my
pants, my vest, stockings, necktie and
one boot was left behind.
I vowed then and fhere that I would
never go to see another girl, and I’ll
die before I will.”
Our Sickly Young Men--Need of a High
er Physical Education.
“‘ A lion met him in the way and
slew him/ Ist Kings, 24th verse,” read
the Rev. Mr. Hepworth last evening.--
“ American youths,” he said, “do not
indulge enough in physical exercise
We take great care of our minds, and
force them to the utmost, but we have
no heed for the condition of our bodies.
A man to be thoroughly well poised
must have not only a strong brairf, but
wel'-trained muscles and well-balanced
nerves A man cannot have healthy re
ligion unless he has a good digestion.—
He is not thoroughly himself unless Hs
body is equal to his mind. I would in
cite and encourage the young men of
this congregation to take greater pride
in their muscles and in those exercises
which deepen the chests and the feel
ings. This subject ought to be preach
ed about more, for it is one of which
the people ought to think more. Amer
icans are degenerating physically, while
their intellects are increasing at a rapid
rate. I went day after day to that won
derful exhibition of physical endurance
which was given by our friend Weston,
and I confess that I learned many les
sons there. I thought when I saw him
walking on day after day that this bod
ily temple ought to be kept in better or
dei that ilTmay become the fitting resi
dence of the Holy Spirit. I saw him
in the beginning, and whenever I en
tered the room 1 saw him pushing on,
with a marvelous, almost miraculous
perseverance, to his end If the truth
is ever known, there was will enough
exhibited in one week to make an or
dinary life successful. If that persist
ence could be used in a different direc
tion it would make our young men
saints. It would make lives that would
be glorious and worthy in the sight of
Christ. I see before me young men
who are in appearance sickly, pale, and
incapable of enduring labor. They
should know that a man’s body is often
the foundation of his morality. Weak* 1
ness is often the cause of moral base
ness. You ought, young man, to stand
as often as you can in the gymnasium
aud use your muscles. Take pride in
your corporal development, and live, as
much as possible in the air. See,
that your voices are strong. It will not
bejiriany months before you do ycur work
better in the counting house, and be
better able to tell the truth to custom
ers. Instead of passing the time, as
the temptation is now to do, in the sa
loon where bad liquor is sold and boon
companions cheer you on, or where the
gambler seeks only your money and
your manhood, you ought to devote
yourself ro exercise that will develop
your manhood, give ) r ou a large prospect
of success now, and eternal happiness
hereafter. — New York Sari.
The modest virgin, the prudent wife,
and the careful matron are much more
serviceable in life than petticoated phi
losophers, blustering heroines, or virago
queens. She who makes her husband
and her children happy—who reclaims
the one from vice and trains up the
others to virtue, is a much greater char
acter than ladies described in romance,
whose whule aim is to murder mankind
with shafts ftorn the quiver of her eyes.
Someone asks Mr. Beecher for his
“ opinion in full,” whether it is right
to sell articles at a fair by luttery;
whereupon Mr. Beecher replies : ‘ Opin
ion in full—No ”
Pitman’s Cli’oketfs.
We had a good deal of trouble last
summer with Pitman’s chickens. As
fast as we could p : ant anything in our
little garden, these chickens of hitman's
would creep through the feuce, scratch
out the seeds, fill up and go home.—
When the reddish-bed had been rav
ished in this manner for the fifth time,
we complained to Pitman. He was not
disposed to interfere. “ Adeler,” he
said, ‘ I tell you it does ’em good ; and
it does them beds good to be raked over
by chickens. If I have reudishes, give
me chickens to scratch around ’em and
eat up the worms, lleddishes that
haven’t been scratched, ain’t worth a
cent.” Then we climbed over the
fence, with a determination to take the
law into our owu hands. We procured
half a peck of corn and two dozen di
minutive fish-hooks. Fastening the
hooks each into a grain of corn, wo
tied thin wire to each hook. Then we
scattered the whole of the corn on the
raddish-bed and fixed the ends of the
wires to the biggest sky-rocket we could
get. The rocket stood in a frame about
ten yards away from the hooks. That
very morning Pitman’s chickens came
over and instantly began to devour the
corn. We were ready, and as soon as
it was evident that the hooks were all
swallowed, we applied a match to that
rocket. It is regarded as probable that
no barn-yard fowls that have lived since
the days of Noah ever proceeded to
ward the azure vault of heaven with
such rapidity as those did. A fizz, a
few ejaculatory cackles, a puff of smoke
and Pitman’s roosters and pullets were
swishing around among the celestial
constellations without their feathers,
and in some doubt respecting the sta
bility of earthly things. Pitman nev
er knew what became of his fowls ; but
when we read in the paper next day
that twenty-four underdone chickens,
with fish-hooks in their craws, had been
rained down by a hurricane in New
Jersey, we felt certain that that sky
rocket had done its duty. —Max Add
er.
Useful Servants.
The Esquimaux dog, which is found,
with very little variation in shape, size,
or color, on heth sides of Behring’s
straits, is in many respects, to the set
tled tribes inhabiting those districts,
what the reindeer is to the Laplander,
and the camel to the Arab. Though
treated very indifferently, these useful
animals are absolutely essential to the
existence of these semi-barbarous tribes.
The great distauee of the settlements
one from the other, and the absence of
any intercommunication, in trimmer,
make each village dependent on its own
resources, and prevent any mutual Sup
port and assistance. Shoiild the winter
be extra severe, a famine often sets in,
and these improvident people never
think of stirring until the last dried
fish in store bas%een devoured ; so that
their only hope lies in their dog teams,
which are often called upon to com
mence a journey of one hundred aud
fifty or two hundred miles over deep
snow, in search of some friendly tribe
of wandering Koraks, having been on
scanty rations perhaps for a week or
fortnight previously. During these
toilsome journeys, the natives are often
compelled'to travel all night as Veil as
all day, and they have a practice of
deluding the dogs into the belief that
they have slept all night by allowing
them to stop and sleep an hour or so
before sunrise, when they awake them
to eontiuuo their wearisome journey.—
This deception generally answers, and
the animals resume their labors with re
newed cheerfulness and energy. The
sacrifice of these dogs is considered by
the natives as the surest method of ap<«
peasing the anger of the evil spirits;
and sometimes twenty or thirty of them
may be seen suspended by the hind legs
on long poles over a single encamp
ment. Altogether, they are ill-used
animals; and if they could reason, the
hard-worked creatures might come to
the sad conclusion that merit is seldom
appreciated in this lower world.
f
The Lovely South-land.
In the last issue of Our Fireside
Friend, published at Chicago, we find
a letter from Mr. 11. C. King, one of
its traveling correspondents, from which
we copy the subjoined eloquent and
manly tribute to the South. The let
ter from which our copy bears date :
New Orleans, May Ist 1574.
“ You wish me to tell you ‘how 1 like
the South ?’ Do I like the ‘Eden’ of
America? No 1 I love it, with a love
so strong, and so deep, that had I the
power I would pluck from her lacerated
body every thorn • of whatever kind ; I
would heal every wound, however deep,
and make her, if not the paradise of
the world, certainly the paradise of
North America, which nature designed
her to be. I would unite her with the
North, the East, ana with the West, in
the closest fraternal bonds, for thus the
prosperity and happiness, of the whole
land would be promoted. The South
is a land especially blessed by the hand
of God. When her advantages shall
become known and appreciated by the
people of this and other nations; when
her beauty and her inherent riches are
understood, aud wise rulers and benifi
cent laws shall hold sway ; when the
waste places shall be built up; when
the busy hum of manufactories shall be
h«ard all along the banks of our mag
nificent streams. When this time shall
come, then will the South become what
the Creator in His great wisdom de
signed it should be, the very ‘garden of
Eden’ of America. Now, do you won
der that I love the South? I would
that I possessed the pea of a Milton,
that I might tell of its beauty and
grandeur in fitting language.”
Men Whan* Foiuen Like Best.
We know that men naturally shrink
from the attempt to obtain companions
who are their superiors but they will
find that ready intelligent women, who
possess the must desirable qualities, are
uniformly modest, and hold their charms
in modest estimation. What such wo
men most admire is gallantry, not the
gallantry of courts and fops, but bold
ness, courage, devotion and refined
civility. A man’s bearing wins ten su
perior women, where his boots and brains
win one.
If a man stand before a woman with
respect for himself and fearlcssaess of
her, his suit is half won. Tho rest
may sately be left to the parlies most
interested. Therefore, never be afraid
of a woman. Women are the most
harmless and agreeable creatures iu the
world to a mao who shows that he baa
got a man’s soul iri him. If you have
not the spirit to come up to the test
like this, you have not that in vou
which most pleases a higli-souled wo
man, and you b ill be obliged to content
yourself with the simple girl, who, in a
quiet way, is endeavoring to attract and
fasten you But don’t be in a hurry
aboiit the matter. It isn’t creditable
to you. Especially don’t imagine that
any disappoi fitment in love which
takes place before you are twenty-one
years old, will be of any material con
sequence to you. The truth is that be
fore a man is twenty-five he does not
kuow what he wants himself. So don’t
be in a hurry. The mote of a man you
become, and the more manliness you be
come capable of exhibiting iu your as
sociation with women, the bi tter wife
you will be able to obtain; and one
year’s possession of the heart and hand
of a really noble specimen of her sex,
is worth ninety-nine year’s possession of
a sweet creature with two ideas in her
head, and nothing new to say about
either of them. So don’t be in a hur»
ry we say again.
1 “ Lonely To-Night, Love.”
Husband Traveling. Scene I.—Room
in hotel. Spittoons full of cigar stumps.
Bourbon whisky. All hands equipped
for a night’s spree. Husband, in a hur
ry to be off, writes homes:
“ Dearest Susie —My time is so
occupied with business that I can hard
ly spare a moment to write to you. Oh!
darling, how I miss you, and the only
thing that sustains me during my ab
sence is tho thought that every moment
thus spent is for the benefit of ixy dear
wife and children.| gTako good care of
yourself, my dear. Feed the baby
otf one iows milk. Excuso haste,
etc."
Wife at Home, Scene ll—Parlor.
All the gas lit. Thirteen grass wid"
ows. Fred from around the corner,
with his violin ; Jim, across the
way, wi*h his banjo ; Jack, from above,
with his guitar; Sam, from below, with
his flute; lots of other fellows with
their instruments. Dancing and sing*
ing, sideboard covered with nuts, fruits,
cake, cream, wine, whisky, &c. Wife
m a hurry to dance, writing to her hus
band :
“ Dear Hubby —How lonesome I
feel in your absence. The hours pass
tediously. Nobody cabs on me, and I
am constantly thinking pf the time
when you will be home and your cheer
ful countenance light up by the routine
of every day life. My household du
ties keep me constantly employed. I
am living as economical as possible,
knowing that your small income will not
admit of frivolous expense. But, now,
dear, I will say good-bye, or I will be
too late for the monthly concert of
prayer. In haste, yours, etc.”
French Critic on American Beauty.
Standing one evening in that fringe
of spectators which usually surrounds
the dancers, at an entertainment given
by one of the American residents in
Paris, a French painter next to me ex
pressed his admiration of forty or fifty
of my countrywomen, who were whirl
ing around to a Stiauss Waltz. The
revolving bevy was composed of young
women from sixteen to twenty-five, and
they certainly looked very handsome.
He reiterated, with enthusiasm, that
he had never seen more beautiful girls
anywhere—they were diamonds of the
first water. On being asked if he did
not see a single flaw, he evasively re
plied that nonej f us were perfect. Be
ing pressed — entre hotnmes —he thought
the hauds were not as well formed as
they might be—nor the attaches —an
imperfection in the Saxon race. Was
there anything else ? Beauty was
somewhat a matter of convention, was
said again, evasively, but further re
mark brought out the question whether
I had seen the Venus of Mita in the
Louvre. I had, and knew it was the
accepted model of womanly perfection.
Had I noted the waist of the wonderful
statue ? Had I remarked the difference
between the waists of the women before
us aud that cf the Venus?
“ You mean that the waists of my
countrywomen ore too long ?”
“ Exactly; but then they have the
most beautiful faces in the world.” To
which was added : “My candor is atro
cious.” Then, as one of tlie fair der
vishes, whom lie knew, passed, he ven
tured into English and inquired, with
solicitude : “Mees, do you pickle your
health ?” indicating lexical research at
tbs word preserve.
An amorous swain declared he is so
fond of his girl that he has rubbed the
skin from his qosc by kissing her shad
oof on the wall. A hopeless case is
that.
———
Very Likely.—A butcher recently
found a shawl pin in a cow that ho was
cutting up. It is supposed the animal
had swallowed a milkmaid
Chinese Goose Herd.
A man who has been to Pekin, and
done some “ peekin’' to good advantage
gives this amusing description of a fowl
peddler among the street eights and
rirec-t characters of that northern ‘ ce>
lestial” metropolis:
And then there was the gooeeranch
er—a fellow who drove a hundred geese
before him about the city and tried to
sell them. He tyad a pole ten feet long,
with a crook in the end of it, and occa
sionally a goose would branch out from
the flock and make a lively break around
the corner with wings half lifted and
neck stretched to the utmost. Did tho
goose mei chant get excited ? No. He
took his pole and reached after that
goose with unspeakable sangfroid, took
a hitch round his neck, and “ yanked”
him back to his place in the flock with
out an effort, lie steered his geese
with that stick as easily as another man
would steer a yawl.
A few hours afterwards we saw him
sitting on a stone at the corner, in the
midst of the turmoil, sound asleep in
the suri, with his geese squatting around
him or dodging out of the way of asses
aud men. We came by again in an
hour, and he was taking account of
stock to see whether any of his stqck
had strayed or been stolen. The way
he did it was unique. lie put the end
of his stick within six or eight inches
of a stone wall, and made the geese
march in single file between it and the
wall, lie counted them as they went
by- There was no dodging that ar
rangement.
Value of Country Weeklies as Ad
teHising Mediums!
Extract from a paper read by Howard
Owen, editor of the Kenebec Jour
nal, before the Association of Maine
editors and publishers, at the annual
meeting held iu Augusta, Febuary
23d, 1874.
There are small couutry papers run
ning along on a few hundreds circula
tion—not reachiug a thousand—whose
value as advertising mediums could uot
be made up by two or three thousands
in the circulation of the larger papers
They are the home, fireside papers of
the people \ lo be read and re read by
their local patrons —advertisements and
all. The advertisement itself, though
it may boa foreign, becomes localized
by appearing in the columns of a local
paper —just as a strange child is adopt*
ed into a family, and is soon loved as
one of the children. This same adver
tisement that seems to possess so much
interest in the local paper, may be sim
ply glanced at as it comes to the home
in the columns of the general newspa
per of wide circulation.
John Henderson’s Enll —()ne day
while in the heyday of his wickedness,
John Henderson came upon somethiag
new in the line of plunder. It was a
pile of little cans labelled “ Nitro Glyc
erine—hands off—dangerous poison !”
and sq forth, but he couldn’t read, and
he didn’t care a copper. He carried a
can behind the meeting house and sat
down on a rock to open it. There was
no guardian angel around to tell him
that he would get busted if he fooled
with that can, and so he spit on his
hands and gave it a whack on the stone.
Jibe folks all ran out, and after a good
deal of trouble they found aud separated
the pieces of meeting house from the
pieces of boy, and they got together
enough of John Henderson to fill a ci>*
gar box and answer as the basis of a fu
neral. They buried the remains in a
quiet nook, ana the gravestone marker
put a little lamb ou the head stone to
show that John Henderson Tompkins
was meek and lovely.
A Good Thing Well Spoken.—
An Evansville man has proven himsefa
satirist, though probably at the time he
uttered the words which have since made
him famous he was unconscious of the
stinging sarcasm contained in the few
syllables referring to a prominent fea
ture of American life. He had fallen into
a ditch on the outskirts of the town, in
such a manner that he was unable to
extricate himself. A kind-hearted pe
destrian helped him to his feet, arid af
ter the thing had been accomplished,
our hero said : “ All right—hie—I’ll
vote for you 1” The stranger looked at
him doubtfully, and wished to know
what for, “What office ye runnin’ for ?”
“I ? None at all,” was the answer. “Not
a candidate ?” “No ; why ?” “ Why
—hie— ’cause I don’t know as any n;aa
’ud—hie.—help ’DOthcr as you did
’thout bein’ a candidate.”
. A New Way to Propose.— A new
way of proposing marriage is reported
and we give the facts for the benefit of
those interested. A gentleman attend
ed a fair held in this city recently and
fell in love with a demoiselle in the flo
ral temples. He bought a $lO basket
of flowers, and handing her a SSO bill,
said : “ If you don’t give me the exact
change I’ll marry you.” The blushing
maiden handed him back S3O (she was
probably confused), and remarked, “ I
thonght so ” Cards will be sent out
early next week. —Neio York Mail.
V
A Healthy Subscriber. —There is
a lady at Benton, Mich , who subscribed
for the Detroit I’ree Press in 1835, and
has been taking it regularly ever since.
The result is, she is now 70 years old,
and is in good health. It is astonish
ing how long a person will live who sub
scribes regularly and pays promptly for
a good newspaper. If the doctors would
prescribe fewer pills and more papers,
the world would be mueh healthier than
it is
Value the friendship of him who
stands by you in storm ; swarms of in
sects will surround you iu sunshine.
YUlitJMfiJ IV. —NO. 45;
FUN ITEMS.
On the contrary —Riding a mule.
Marriage is often said Jto be a lottery;
but Calab declares his belie! that it is a
game of oribbage.
i * y * t i * ••
Placards on the St. Louis car*;
declare that “This car can’t wait for la
dies to kiss good-by.”
A matler-of-factold gentleman thinkq
it must be a very small base ball that
can be caught on a fly.
A (Georgia paper promises to publisty
a “ thrilling cereal.” Its readers will
probably make an oat of it.
A paper announces that by the
recent burning of an ice house
twenty thousand tons of ice were reduc
ed to ashes.
She tied the baiter to ber wrist, and
led the cow to water; the brute took
fright, aud gave a twist—“ My daugh
ter oh, my daughter 1”
A physician was badly hurt the other
day by the caving in of a well upon
him. lie should attended to the
sick and let tne well alone.
There is a Maine clergyman who says
from his pulpit that ,he “ would rathr
er possess the pearl of # great prievt
than the wealth of all of the RothchiN
dren.
’ ».••*» 't * WJ •Ii
A boy having bepn to|il that a reptile
was an animal that creeps, on being
asked to name one on examination day,
promptly and triumphantly replied, “ A
baby r .
Mrs. Partington having read a news?
paper that a champion boatman would
row a rival for two hundred a side*
wanted to know how many sides the ri
val had.
A rural Vermodt paper
that its minimum charge for a first class
marriage notice will be fifteen pounds of
dried apples. Notices with poetry cost 12
pounds of onions more.
An honest Irishman called upon the
worthy chief of anew lodge of Good
Templars at East Taunton, the other
day, for the purpose of selling him a
goat sos use id the lodge.
I > * f
It is estimated that it takes a domes
ticated fly a two*billionth part of a sec
ond to wink, *hile an industiious mos
quito can do it in one tenth of that
time. Corrections solicited.
The instructions' to tho police force
of Alexandria are : “ Don’t arrest
the Mayor or any member of the Com
mon Council for intoxication, but as
sist them home and sets nothing about
it-” •
Ofe&atofy age—“ 6, na fma ! John
ny’s got the urn and is spillin pa’s ash
les over the floor I” “O, what a
naugthv vjohny 1 get the feather dus
ter and sweep your poor father right
up r
Scene in a printing office which ad*
vortises for girls to set type: Enter
young woman—“ Do you want to em
ploy auy one to print, sir ? , 1 saw your
advertisement.” “Can you set up well v
madam ?” Young woman blushes, says,
she hadn’t had a beau yet, but expects
that she could if necessary.
, . r, ~
Ladies in delicate health should go'
to Colorado. The case of Mrs. Prath
er, of Golden City, shows the wonder
ful restorative effects'of the climate.—
She could not even sweep her room when
they lived in Ohio ; but in less than a
year after her arrival in the Territory
she chased her husband a mile and a
quarter with a pitchfork.
A local in Louisville, Ky., called at
the military headquarters to get news,
and was cheered by the answer, “ I’d.
be glad to give you anything if I could;’
but when there is anything of impor
tance, we are not allowed to give any
thing unless it is of no importance.”—
It takes a man, with an imagination to
get up anything new.
“ Got anything for a sick man to
read ?” inquired a pug-nosed boy at a
news staid the other day. “ Yes, any
thing you want—Bibles, poems, relig
ious books, Christian Herald, etc.,” re-,
plied the clerk. “ Bibles!” echoed the
boy ; “do you think dad’s a h’angel !
Gim-rne a lively dime novel'— one with
an lujui sclaping a soldier.”
A small boy got another bay, some
what smaller than himself, down on the
ground the other day, and got hold of
both his ears, placing his knee in the
small, of boy’s back, and asked him
in a very pursuasive manner if he would
give him that white ally of'his’n. The
boy replied iqthe affimative. How ea-’
sy it is to sett’e things when one goes
about it in the right way.
A young woman of in
veigled into a hand of encore a timor
ous beatr yrhom, bow in«f ofteuest at her
shrine, she regarded as her best bower,
her own hand being the stake ; and al
though the poor fellow would have liked
to fi gO it alone” aud lose, he was of
course made to win and won the maid,
as whose husband he will have to pass
until the inevitable divorce of his State
euds his state of matrimony and enables
him to cut for anew deal.
The gallant coursers of that little isle,
of the sea, Nantucket, are not remarks*
ble for bottom or speed. One found his
way into the Massachusetts Cavalry du
ring the rebellion, being recommended
us an excellent war horqe. When the
soldier returned he went into a tower
ing passion because he had been swin
dled. “As how ?” inquired the island
er. “ Why you warranted him a good
war horse and there is not a bit of
in him.” “ Yes I did ; and I repeat'
he is a good war horse for he’d sooatflr
die thuu ruti.