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The Flagpole Advice Mofo Addresses
Concerns of Incoming UGA Students
Dear Adwce Mofo,
Now that I'm in college, I'm a little nervous
about the richness and variety in my newly
expanded dating pool. How would you suggest
scouting out a swingin' dish delish of the partic
ular gender that rolls my bread?
—Curious in Creswell
take a walk downtown and share some fresh
oxygen with people that might be more hep to
your style? Be on the lookout for some of the
relatively inconspicuous, offbeat joints ana gal
leries, all within reasonable walking distance of
campus. These places have funky atmosphere,
lots of cool flotsam and artifacts to sift through,
friendly, articulate proprietors, and tight-knit
circles of regular customers. Hang out long
enough and you're bound to strike up a conver
sation. Strike up a conversation and you might
make a friend off campus, which can lead to
having all sorts of cool friends off campus. Most
of your contemporaries might be trying to get
into unsavory downtown meat markets with
their pictures super-glued on Dad's driver's
license, causing objectively boneheaded traffic
accidents, getting hit on at the sports bars by
surly drunks with gray ponytails or doing the
ugly deed on the bunk bed on top of yours, so
you'll be doing yourself a favor in the long run.
Dear Curious,
First, keep in mind that this ain't just high
school with ashtrays, no matter what Fast Times
At Riagemont High may have led you to believe.
"Dating" is such an arcane concept, anyway: "On
this date, October 6, 2000, I will be seen in the
company of someone I find attractive." Makes me
feel like I'm trying to get in one last Coke float
and some surreptitious thigh-rubbing at Make
Out Point before I get shipped off to Korea. If
some finey catches your eye, why not boldly and
humbly suggest you meet downtown for coffee
or some window-shopping? Lunches are good,
too: There's no reason to feel like lunch was a
dud if it's not followed by a protracted make out
session with Morphine playing in the back
ground. Either way, don't call it or think of it as
a "date" and you're playing the odds: you might
at least end up with a pal who can give you
some romantic pointers later on. If winter rolls
around and you're still crappin' out, do what I
did: have a vocoder installed in your larynx. Just
ask that dude from Trans Am: the most asinine
bullshit that comes out of your mouth is going
to sound like undeniable prophecy through a
vocoder. Every rime I go downtown, it's like step
ping into a women's prison, all because of this
vocoder. It wears me out
sometimes, but I do
nothing half-assed, and we
all dig that in a potential
romantic partner. (For
example: Even if the
vocoder idea sounds
extreme, do not under any
circumstances ask anyone
out "through a friend" or
allow yourself to be fixed
up on blind dates. No
Flagpole reader should ever
be that weak and des
perate.)
Deai Advice Mofo,
Most of the people on my hall seem like naive
idiots who think cigarettes and alcohol are new
thresholds of furtive subversion, and I'm having a
little trouble making friends. Did I mention they
giggle a lot? Is there any hope?
—Bad Attitude in Brumby
Dear Tude,
Even if you get thrown in with the most bril
liant, creative crop of freshman on record, dorm
life tends to bring out the claustrophobe (if not
the full-on misanthrope) in anyone. Why not
Dear Advice Mofo,
Being the socially and sexually secure musical
genius that 1 am, I was wondering if you could
give me some advice on how to dig into the
Athens music scene. I hear this is where the
action is these days.
—Rockin' and Noddin' in Reed
Dear R&N,
Right you are. The Athens music scene is as
solid, vibrant, and inclusive as it's been in many
moons. (I wish all those sniveling scenesters
with the gall to complain would take a
Greyhound trip to Austin or
Chicago one day. Then
they'd notice how spoiled
we aie.) I would lecommend
habitually listening to
"Sound of the City" on 90.5
FM (check their web page at
www.uga.edu/~wuog ior
scheduling; they're moving
a lot of the shows around
for fall) and Rock 103.7 FM's
"Local Noise" on Sunday
nights to hear a kaleido
scopic range of local talent
and decide what you'd like
to get into. When you hear
a band that rocks the fat
part of your ass in previously unimaginable ways
(and you will), plunk down a few frogskins and
go see them live. (Check "A is Playing at B on C"
every week in Flagpole for all the club listings
your lil corneas can handle.) I should probably
add that there has never oeen a better time or
place for you to pick up an instrument, even if
its a turntable or two. If that doesn't work out,
there's a healthy market for self-encapsulated,
prematurely bitter rock critics in Athens as well.
Emerson Dameron
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AUGUST 16, 2000 FLAGPOLE SB