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BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES PROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
A Broken Heart-Only a Cyclone
Just So—Why They Shud
dered — A Domestic
Scene, Etc., Etc.
“Papa,” she said as the old man came
in late, “young Mr. Sampson offered
himself to me to-night and I refused
him. And oh, papa, I am afraid his
heart is broken.”
“He told me about it,” said the old
man.
“Then you met him?”
billiards “Yes, he is down at the Eagle playing
.”—New York Sun.
It. Was Only a Cyclone.
“Did you ever see a cyclone?”
“I should say so. Out iu Kansas last
summer, while I was eating dinner, a
cyclone came along and turned the house
completely upside down. Nearly killed
all of us.”
“What did you think about it?”
“Think? I think my wife had lost
her temper again .”—Nebraska State
Journal.
Just So.
Wife (pleadingly) do — “I’m afraid,
George, used you do. not love me as well as
you to ”
Husband.—“Why?”
W.—“Because you always let me get
up to light the fire. ’’
H.—“Nonsense, my love! Your get¬
ting up to light the fire makes me love
you all the more.” — Baton Courier.
Why They Shuddered.
“No, Mamie.” said the fair haired
girl “I shall with an air love of him tender again. melancholy,
never It is all
over.”
“How can you say so, Gertie? He is
young, rich, loves you devotedly, and
has such a beautiful, long, silken, heavv
mustache-”
“His mustache? O, don’t speak of it,
I implore he you. had I saw him once, Mamie,
just after taken a drink of butter¬
milk !”
And the two friends shuddered at they
sat close while together, looking silently in the
fire, their shadows danced fitfully
on the wall and the wind moaned dis¬
mally through the ghostly trees on the
outside .—Chicago Tribune.
A Domestic Keene.
The young mother sat in a .’ow, easy
rocker before the fire, her babe sleeping
quietly on her knee, and, although all
was fierce and blustering without, every¬
thing was reigned quiet and in co3y within. Gentle
peace the household that
night. dear,” said
“Mv the lady, turning to
her husband, who was calmly enjoying
his evening paper, “isn’t it a curious
thing they that going swans should sing just before
are to die?”
“No more so,” he replied, gazing at
his infant’s face with anxious fear, “than
that babies should smile just before they
are colic.” going to raise the roof off with
And presently all was fierce and blus¬
tering within .—New York Sun.
A Little Off,
A German professor was remarkably
alsent-minded. Whenever he was busily
engaged in his studio solving some ab
struse problem, his wife was in the habit
of bringing him his dinner. Disfavor
ite dish was pancake and molasses. One
day his wife brought him a large pancake
and a jug of molasses, and went down
intothe kitchen. Pretty soon she heard
the professor ring his beli.
“Why is it, Gretchen, that you bring
me nothing to eat except molasses? Why
have you brought me no pancake?” asked
the absent.-mined professor.
“Ach Himmel!” exclaimed the wife
“you have tucked the pancake around
your kin neck, thinkiug ' that it was a nap
.”—Texas Siftings.
Not to be Frightened.
Tramp—“And and you bed won’t ?” give me the
price Rich of Man—“If a supper I
gave you and money, bed.” you
would not use it forsupper
T.—“You’re a rich man, ain’t you?”
, R. M.—“Yes.”
T.—“Well, dye know the
says, its easier for a camel to go through
the eye of a needle than for a rich man
to enter the Kingdom ell, what of of Heaven?” it?”
j{. m.—“W
X.—“What of it? You’re a rich
where do you expect to be when you’re
dead?”
H. M.—“Where do you expect to
be?”
T.—“In Heaven, of course. I’m poor.”
R. M.—“Well, after I’m dead I’ll be
as poor as you are. Good evening.”—
Boston Courier.
The World of Matter.
“Into how many classes is matter
divided?” asked a .Detroit teacher of a
small boy Friday.
“Three.”
“What are they?”
“Auimal, vegetable and mineral.”
“Name an example of animal matter?”
“Beef.”
“Of vegetable?" lights.”
“Electric
“What do you mean by saying that
electric lights are vegetable? Th at is
nonsense.”
“Well, I heard my father say that the
city ought to buy an electric light plant
and generate its own electricity.”
During the progress of the same lesson
a youngster, alter the lines defining fully the
three kingdoms his had hand. been ex¬
plained. “What held is it, up Tom?” asked the teacher.
“Please, what is hash ?”—Detroit Free
Press.
The Way to Brooklyn.
A sun-burned old fellow, with an oil
cloth travelling bag, was sitting house on a
bench in the Fulton Ferry the
other day. his
Suddenly he arose from seat, and ac¬
costed quired a passing gentleman, in¬
:
“Eh—kin you tell me what time the
boat leaves?”
“Why, there’s boats leaving every few
minutes or so,” was the reply.
“Every few minutes er so, hey? don’t W’l,
whut’s the reason this boat start
then?”
“What boat?”
“W’y, this ’ere boat.”
“Man alive! This ain’t the boat; this
is the ferry house!”
“Yew—don’t—say sun-burue'd so!” slowly ejacu¬
lated the old fellow. “The
ferry house,” he went on with a foolish
smile, “An’ here I’ve been a-waitin’ three
hours for the blamed thing to start for
Brooklyn!”
And he rubbed his chin reflectively
and walked on.— Travelers' Magazine.
A Great Mistake.
“Why didn't you get up and give her
your seat or permit me to give her
mine?” said a woman to her husband.
They had just got off a car. The wo¬
man's face expressed great anxiety of
mind.
“Why should we give her a seat?”
the husband asked. “Just because she
was so richly dressed, I suppose,” he
added.
“I s it; possible, that you did not know
her: ’ the wife exclaimed,
“Of course. well-dressed I am not supposed to
kuow every woman who
comes along.” she cook, and I
“Oh, James, is our
am afraid she will treasure up against us
our lack of courtesy.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” the hus¬
band exclaimed.
The woman did not reply, but trem¬
bling violently, leaned heavily upon his
arm. — Arkansuw Traveler.
A Change of Tune.
“William!” said the old gentleman at
the breakfast table,
“Sir!”
“I am not pleased to see you so much
in the company of young Jobson. He is
a dissipated young man, andlie gambles,
I should prefer that you avoid his socie
ty.” gambles, father, I lie
“He suppose.
; can afford to. He has just made $100,
000 in the wheat corner. ”
“Well—-still—-you had better be care
ful.”
i After a little while W illiam rises from
! the table.
' William’.”
. >
“Sir!”
“If Mr. Jobson is disenaged dinner. this even
j ingyoucan bring him up to Per
\ haps a little good example may save him
—and, William, you can just tell him
something about the new mining com
’piny I am floating .”—San Francisco
Chronicle.
The United States heads the world in
the matter of locomotive engines, with a
horse-power of 7,-IOO,000. Then comes
: England with 7,000,000, Germany with
j 1 4,500,000, with 1,900,000. France 3,000,000 and Austria
A YivM Picture of a Battle.
A lad asked General Averill how he
felt in his first battle, The general
said:
“Leaving out of consideration some
twenty odd Indian fights in which I was
engaged which I before wounded the war, and to be in obliged one of
was so as
io walk on crutches for nearly two years,
I will state that my first fight was Bull
Run, in 1861. My feeling on entering
the battle was, as I saw the enemy hast¬
ening and to their useless position, that there was a
great orime about to be com¬
mitted; the second, as I can remember
the whizzing and hurtling of the first
solid shot from the enemy through the
trees and tearing along the ground, was
of the fierce and terrible force of a ean
non ball; next I was startled, amazed
and horrified to see a man who had been
hit on the head by a fragment of shell
like springing about and shedding blood
a chicken with its head just stricken
off; after that wonder at the excitement,
amounting chief to a kind of delirium, of our
commanders, who galloped about
yelling enough to any listen one about who would keep still
to what the enemy
were doing, and generally calling for re
cnforcemeuts like frightened idiots;
then the woful lack of a com¬
mander of our forces, with a headquart¬
ers, was felt; and, to skip to the last, un¬
controllable indignation and mortifica¬
tion at the failure of our army to win
the battle, as with the rear we withdrew
from the field. The only consolation to
be found was to know that the enemy
were not much, if any, better off than
ourselves in efficient handling. I trust
you will never be called upon to under¬
go such trying sensations,’'
A stout old lady got out of a crowded
omnibus the other day, exclaiming:
“Well, that’s a relief anyhow.” To
which the driver replied: “So the hosses
thinks, mum.”
The Correct Time.
There are very few men who do not pride
themselves and wonderful on always and delicate having the mechanisms correct time;
are
devised to enable them to do so. But the more
delic ate a chronometer is made, the more sub¬
ject it becomes to derangement, and unless it
be kept always perfectly clean, it soon loses its
usefulness. Wha wonder, then, that the hu¬
man machine— o much more delicate an •; in¬
tricate than any work of Man—should require
to be kept thoroughly cleansed. The liver is
the main-spring of this complex structure,and
on the impurities left in the blood by a disor¬
dered heir liver, depend most of the ills that flesh
is to. Even consumption (which is lung
scrofula), is traceable to the imperfect action
o» sick this headache, organ. Kidney heart diseases, disease, dropsy, skin diseases, and
a
long rigin catalogue of grave sluggish maladies liver. have Pierce's their
< in a torpid or Dr.
Golden Medical Discovery, by establishing a
healthy, and normal preventive action of these of the diseases. liver, acts as a
cure
In one week, 80,000 bushels ot Scotch potatoes
were received at New York.
No one can truthfully say that Catarrh is
incurable who lias not tried Taylor’s Hospital
Cure. Send to 264 B’way, New York, for fr ee
pamphlet.
Purity and Strength
The former In the blood and the latter throughout
the system, are neeessary to the enjoyment of per
feet health. The best way to secure both is to take
Hood's Sarsaparilla, which expels all impurities
from the blood, rouses the kidneys and liver, over
comes that tired feeling, and imparts that freshness
to the body, which makes one feel perfectly well.
“I have taken not quite a bottle of Hood’s Sarsa¬
parilla, and must say it is ono of the best medicines
for giving an appetite, purifying the blood and regu
iating the digestive organs, that I ever heard of. It
did me a great deal of good.”—Mas. N, A. Stanley,
Canastota, N. Y.
Hood’s Sarsaparilla Prepared
Sold by all druggists. $1; six for $5. only
by C. I. HOOD & CO., Apothecaries, Lowell, Mass.
IOO Doses One Dollar
PATENTS 1 ington, D. C. Send for our book of Instructions.
no c © “IlIiiSMiffl 31 SgifpfjffiliJlIfiK ifsars SI
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Ask for BRAND” slicker and take no other. If j our Ftorekcep< er does
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The best and sorest Remedy tor due of
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ELI’S CREAM BALM
Cleanses the head of
m FEVER m Allays Inflammation,
I EL A LS the SO JRKS
Restores the senses of
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H. €. HUDGINS & CO.. Publishers.
33 S. Broad Street, ATLANTA, GA.
SU&EF^ORT mCins YSTJIE TQUAlfITY
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Semi for Catalogue.
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A. N. V ......... .......Five. >88