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Cite 3Mnffic Sflnmol,
i* published weekly
-A ?-
TtlOlvl SO IST. a-A.„
—B Y-
J. E, WHITE & CO.
BUSINESS CARDS.
F> Q ¥ ijv jrV
?s_Jackson Street, Augusta, Georgia,
Opposite Catholic Church,
DEALER IN
FRUIT AND mm,
Wholesale and Retail,
GENERAL RAILROAD NEWS AGENT.
SiT All orders from Country Merchants, ]
or orders left with News Agent* oft the train j
will meet prompt attention,
Oct. 8, 1873, ly
<*+ f*
l Cht*tp, Store,
JISRST SOUTH OF THE R. R.,
l”ouse formerly occupied by Dr. Pitta.)
All kinds of Millinery A Ladies’ Underwear.
Oct 8. Ct
F. jT PRIDHAM,
HOUSE & SIGN PUNTER,
.A. TXT 13
INTERIOR DECORATOR,
Afi> DRESS HIM AT
t*up 20. dm Thomson, Ga.
F* & Scaurs
IMPORTER AND DEALER'IN
\WINES, ales,
II JQIJOS, PORTERS,
Etc.
(Corner Ui*oatl and .Tn<-I<-
snn Street,
AUGUSTA, GA.
Mlay 7 ts
PAUL C 7 HUDSON.
ATTQftNRY AT LAW,
Thomson, On.
rigß* Prompt attention given to all busi
:bw entrusted to his care,
hfcl*.rch 12. Gm _
PALMERHOUSE.
(€>-wcr Bignon *fc Crump’s Auction Store,)
Hrond Street, Augusta, Georgia.
Jf- /. PALMER, Proprietor.
Oood board furnished by the week, month
or day.
April 9 3m
R, W. H. NEAL,
ATTORNKY AT LAW,
THOMSON, GA.
Office.—Over -T. H. Montgomery’s Store.
CHARLES S. DuBOSE,
ATTHRNKY AT LAW,
GA.
&T AVil! practice in the courts of the
Northern. Middle and Augusta Circuits.
H C. RONEY, ~
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
THOMSON, GA.
CiT Will practice in the Augusta, North
eru and Middle Circuits. nolyl
WALTON CLARKE & CO.
Wholesale Grocers
—AND
Commission Merchants,
TVo I-SOSS. Broad Street.
Jan. 22, —ly. AUGUSTA, GA.
Central 'Hotel.
ib^t
MRS. W. M. THOMAS,
AUGUSTA, GEORGIA
seplltf
Notice.
AVING recently located in 'Thomson, I
take pleasure in offering my services to the
citizens of the town and country, generally,
as a Mechanic and Contractor for the build
!ne and repairing of houses, and the repair
. * cotton gins, and the building and re
e»jj ' mills and water wheels. After
yeairing o, ~f years, I feel confident
an experience q „;ve satisfaction to all,
that I can and Wi- trices
both in my work ana t ... m FITTS.
Oct- . t t ’
C. B, Wilker son & Cos.,
MECHANICS AND CARPENTER*,
JVrE prepared to execute promptly
.and satisfactorily, all kinds of Carpen
■ tering, AVood Work and Iron Work.—
Will build aud repair Gins, &c.
Orders addressed to them at Thomson,
Ga., will meet prompt attention.
Oct. 7. ts
Now is the time
To get your Winter Hats. 1
MRS. WORRILL
ha 9 received the finest and best assorted
Stock of Millinery goods and Novelties ever i
brought to Thomson, consisting in part of
Ladies, Misses and Children's Hats and
Bonnets;
Old Ladies’ Bonnets and Cape* Flowers
and Plumes of all kinds;
Lace Collars. Mourning Collars ;
Black and White Lace, of all widths j
Ruffs ior iiits neck. Bilk Ties;
Ribbons in every color;
Crape and Love Vella;
Hair Braids, and Switches %
Jet Bracelets. Jet Setts, Coronets:
Velveteens, of all colors. Silk Velvet;
Velvet Ribbon and a great variety of
.goods not mentioned.
( G'di acd examine before buying.
I am sure yon will be pleased in price
and quality. Oct, J 5, 1873. 3m
(Tlu| picDuftic tiSheliln Jonpial.
VOLUME III—NUMBER 43.
fsiMMONSI
[RECULATORi
For over FORTY YEARS this
Purely Vegetable
LIVER MEDICINE has proved to be the
Great Unfailing Specific
for Liver Complaint and its painful off
spring, DYSPEPSIA, CONSTIPATION,
Jaundice, Bilious attacks, SICK HEAD
ACHE, Colic, Depression of Spirits, SOUR
STOMACH, Heartburn, CHILLS AND
FEVEK, Ac., Ac
After years of careful experiments, to meet
a great and urgent demand, we now produce
from our original Gouuino Powders.
The Prepared.
A Liquid form of SIMMONS'LIVER REGU
LATOR, containing all its wonderful and
valuable properties, and offer it in
Trie Dollar Bottles.
The Powders, (priceas before.) iglOOper
package. Sent by mail, 1.04
W CAUTION I gr,
Buy no Powders or PREPARED SIM
MONS' LIVER REGULATOR, unless in
our engraved wrapper, with Trade mark,
Stamp and Signature unbroken. None
other is genuine.
J. H. ZEILIN & CO.,
MACON, GA. AND PHILADELPHIA.
SOLO BY ALL DRUGGISTS.
BEUMMIL’S
LADIES’ BITTERS,
M annlacturcd by
|||^||
282 BROAD ST„ AUGUSTA, GA.
Rectifiers, Redistillers, Importers and
Wholesale Dealers in
PURE HYE
AND
Corn Whiskies.
FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC LIQUORS,
Brandies,
Wines,
Gin,
Rum,
Porter,
Ale,
Etc.
Also a Superior Article of
LADIES’BITTERS.
Tobacco and Scgars of every variety.
January 29, 1873—3 m.
T
XHE Guide is published Quarterly.—
25 cents pays for the year, which is not half
the cost. Those who afterwards send mon
ey to the amount of one dollar may also or
der 25 cents worth extra— the price for the
Guide. The first number is beautiful, giv
ing plans for making Rural Homes, Dining
Table Decorations, Window Gardens, Ac.,
and a mass of information invaluable to the
lover of flowers. 150 pages on fine tintedpa
p/»r some 500 engravings, and a superb col
ored plate, and Chromo Cover.
v -', first edition of 200,000 printed in Eng
lish Ann Germ to.
usnaua VICK, Rochester, N. Y.
March 12
Columbia Ijistitute,
Thomson, ,G a
-1 HE Fall Term begins on Monday, the j
18th of August, and closes on Friday, the ;
28th of November. For particulars ap- j
plv to ,T. W. SHANK,
July 30. 3m Teacher in Charge, j
C. E. no,';!). H. L. MEALING.
0. E, DODD <K CO.,
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL DEALERS IN
Hats, Gaps and Straw Goods,
No. 250 Broad Street.
j«n2firo<; 4TIGUSTA, dA.
DR. HOLLAND^
]> E IV T I H T *
Can be found at his Operating Room in
'Thomson. Ga., on the first Monday in each
month, where he will remain two weeks, or
more except ip “cases of sio&ness.” aug7tf,
THOMSON, McDUFFIE COUNTY, GA., OCTOBER 29, 1873.
SELECT MISCELLANY.
THE WIDOW WOOD.
I don’t say brother Ben's widow wasn’t
good-looking for her age and size. Then,
too, she had a pretty penny left her.
And she might have married well if she
w anted to change her condition; but,
you see, Margaret Ann was a fool—she
was a widow of forty—to set her cap for
young Sam Spencer, who was only twen
ty-four. If I was her brother-in-law, and
if Ben had said to me, as he did,
“ Richard, always be kind to Margaret
Ann,” I couldn’t help seeing that. The
fact of the matter is, that, as a general
thing, widows do make fools of them
selves oftener than girls.
In this case I admit that the age was
the only obstacle. Sam was a good
young man, above selling himself to a
woman old enough to be his mother, for
her money bags. Sam was a clerk in
the store. I was poor Ben’s partner.
I’d tried to buy the widow out. I’d said
over and over again, “Margaret Ami,
you have plenty and to spare, why not
retire ?” but you see she wouldn’t. Ben
had left his share of the furniture to her,
and she wouldn’t drop it. After awhile
I found out the reason. It was Sam
Spencer.
That is why she liked to sail about the
store in her dead black silk ; that is why
she was always finding some excuse to
hand down that part of the stock he had
in hand, mixing everything up and giv
ing him no end of trouble.
You see I couldn’t help it. The con
cern paid, and widow Wood owned just
ns I did. If I said, “ Margaret Any,, go
home,” she could have said, “I'vearight
here.’ She never waited on a customer.
She never did anything but bother and
pry. She had no children to occupy her,
and she brought her white poodlo along
with her. “So lonesome,” she said she
was, in the big house opposite; and that
was why she had us come to tea so much
of late.
Well, this went on for nearly a year.
Big eyes at Sam, sweet smiles, soft
peaches ! I used to wonder whether old
Ben knew how soon he had been forgot
ten. To be sure, he w-as sixty when he
died, a bald-headed, stoop-shouldered
man, with solemn ways about him ; but
she’d been his wife lor twenty-three
years, and though I’m a bachelor I know
what feelings ought to bo. And Ben
was my brother, too. I hope it wasn’t
wicked of mo to make up my mind to
put an end to her capers, as far as Sam
went, aud tell him that we wanted a
young lady as cashier, aud why not ?
and if Lilly lfathbouo could leave Grigg
A Crater, I’d give her the place. Sam
was in love with Lilly. I knew that, hut
Margaret Ami had not seen her.
“ Margaret Ann,” said I, one day, “wo
will have anew cashier to-day. We need
one, and I have engaged one.”
“Well,” said Margaret Ann, “perhaps
we do. I hope lie’s a nice young man,
! aud good looking. “ Uood looks attract
custom. ”
“I am glad you coincide with me,”
“ says I, and laughed to myself, for I
knew Margaret Ann was thinking of
somebody else to flirt with. But I said
nothing.
It was fun to see her face change when
she saw Lilly behind the counter next
day. Aud she gave it to me in the pri
vate office, I can tell you. She hated fe.
males about a store, ami she didn’t like
Lilly’s looks. I could laugh at her,
however, there. I had good references
with Lilly, and signed a written contract
with her for six months. She was to he
cashier, you know, as I told you. Mar
garet Ann couldn’t help herself, and I
suppose she knew it, for she said nothing
after that, and Sam and Lilly were as
happy as young birds. I believe he pro
posed to her behind my counter ; I knew
lie did it somewhere, and I knew he was
accepted.
“ Lord bless you,” says I to myself,
“and help you to build your nest. I’m
not crusty if I am a bachelor.”
A few days after I found Margaret Ann
in the office in a towering rage, with her
face flaming.
“Richard,” says she, “a woman is
always right about another woman. Men
admire a pretty face, so they are always
blinded by it It was always so with Mr.
Wood. Many a time he’s thought a wo
man everything that was splendid until
! I’ve proved that she wasn’t by telling him
| things. Now I’ve found out about your
| Lilly liathbone. She’s exactly what I
I thought—exactly.”
“ Well, what is it?” says I.
i “No better than she should be,” says
i Margaret Ann. “ I saw her kiss Sam
Spencer behind the counter this blessed
; morning.”
j “ And ho didn’t want her to, I sup
! rxme, and halloed for help ?” says I.
“ Didn’t he her first ?” says I.
“Well, she let him, anyhow,” says
she,
“ Well,” says I, “ I suppgso you used
to I'iss Bop after you were engaged, if
not before?'*
“ What has that to dp with it,” says
sb.e. ft Why, they—at least—did he pro
pose her coming here, Richard ?”
No," said I, “ but they arp engaged,
Margaret Ann.”
“ Don’t believe it," says she.
It’s Gospel truth,” says I,
And then—well, I didn’t mind it; it
didn’t hurt me a bit —but that woman
turned around and slapped me in the
face, she was so hopping mad.
“ Such actions in a respectable store !
You depraved brute!” says she, and
marched out and didn’t come hack for a
week, for which I was truly thaukful.
When she did come she was all smiles
aud amiability; and she talked to Lilly
and smiled at Sam, and she really did
come out beautifully, considering. Lilly
took a great notion to her.
“What a nice, pleasant lady Mrs.
Wood is,” she said, as we were folding
tilings up that night; “ and so pretty for
her age. I think she is splendid.”
“ Glad to hear it.”
“ Dear me,” she said, with her head
under the counter.
“Sister-in-law, you know,” said I;
“ one of the family; it won’t do to praise
her too much.”
“Oh, wasn’t thiukiug of what you
were saying,” said she. “ I’m surprised
about my key. I’m sure I hung it here.
A little brasß door key, with a nick in the
handle and a piece of pink ribbon tied to
it. I onu’t think where it is gone. ”
“Well, we both looked everywhere.
We unrolled packages and peeped into
boxes, and poked down cracks in the
floor. Lilly went worryingaboutgetting
a locksmith to fit another before she
could get in, and said that Rosa war* al
ways tired.
Rosa was her sister. The two were
orphans, and kept house together in one
little room of a respeotablo tenement
house,
“ I’ve always had tea ready before
Rosa got in,” said Lilly; “hut to-night
she will have to wait.”
It’s odd how we remember little things
sometimes. Perhaps the girl’s pretty
puzzled face and graceful motions, as she
ran about looking for the key, impressed
this one on my mind. At all events, we
did not find the notched key tied with a
pink ribbon, and Lilly went home with
out it. 1 told Margtaet Ann about it
when I saw her next, and she inquired
very politely of Lilly ns to the end of
the affair when she next saw her. The
key was never found, but Lilly said she
had had two made, so that such a thing
could never happen again. She could
keep one and Rosa the other.
“ And, as I presume it was lost here,
you must have the value of it from us,”
said Margaret Ann. “It’s not much,but
it’s just.” And I thought very kind of
the widow Wood, considering.
Well, time piassed on, and one day was
about like the other. Winter went and
summer came. People began to go to
the country, and trade was dull. And
Sam told me that he and Lilly were go
ing to be married soon—God willing.
I had just left Sam when Margaret
Ann’s colored girl stepped across the
street aud told me her mistress wanted
to see me. •
Os course I went over, and when I got
into the hack parlor I found Margaret
Ann wrapped up in a shawl, her eyes red
with crying.
“ Anything happened ?” says I.
“ Yes,” says she, “I’m afraid so. Oh,
I’m so sony !”
“ Dear me ! Do mention the fact,”
says I.
“ Well,” says she, “ I can hardly bear
to do so; but—who has a chance at the
safe besides you and me ?”
“ Nobody hut Lilly Rathbone,” said I.
“You are sure?” says she.
“Why, of course,” says I.
“Ah, well!” says she. “Perhaps
there is another way out of it. Maybe
you’ve had occasion to use that money of
mine. I mean the one thousand dollar
bank note that I put in there in a red
pocket-book last week. ”
“ No,” said I. “Os course I’d spoken
of it. It was your private money.”
“It’s gone, Richard,” saysshe. “You
saw me look into the safe to-day ?”
“Yes,” said I.
“ Well,” says she, “it was gone then.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak of it.
You see a girl like that lias so many
temptations; going to marry and all.
Richard, promise me you won’t have her
arrested, or anything, if it is her.”
“It is not!” I cried. “Besides,it was
your money. You would be the prose
cutor to any thief. ”
“Dearme, yes,” says she, “and I’ll
let her go; but I must get it back, and
she must leave the store.”
“ How can you think so ill of the girl?”
said I. “ Why don’t you suspect me ?
I am ever so much more of a doubtful
character than she is. ”
“You are my brother-in-law,” said
Margaret Ann. “Now, listen to reason.
Come to the store with me, and we’ll
search. If we don’t find it, I shall charge
Lilly with the theft to-morrow, and, if
she doesn’t confess, get a search-warrant
for her rooms. I’ll be very kind, but I
can’t lose a sum like that.”
She cried again. I did really feel that
she was in great trouble. We went to
toe 0 ": ore u £ ain anJ searelle< l the safe, but
tha money was all gono. Margaret. A llll
had the number in her pocket-book. It
was easy to identify, and besides, the
poor girl was in a suspicious position,
and I said if she should prove guilty my
faith in'human nature was gono.
“Mine, too,” said Margaret Ann. “ I
had come to like her so. And then, poor
Sam.”
TERMS—TWO DOLLARS IN ADVANCE
I went home to tea with my sister-in
law, but we had not much appetite. She
promised not to come to the store until
the closing hour, and to be very merci
ful, aud to give the girl every chance.
And so W’e parted. I arose to say good
night, and came around thetable toshake
hands with Mar garet Ann, when, being
a clumsy old bachelor, not used to wo
man’s fixings, my coat caught a little
wicker work sewing basket, on long spider
legs, andoversetit. Out tumbled cotton,
buttons and tape, and I stooped to pick
them up, when among them I saw a key;
a brass door key, with a nick in it and a
long piece of pink ribbon tied to the
handle. It was a very little thing and
it made my blood ran cold.
If that was the key Lilly had lost, what
was it doing thcie ? I didn’t dare to
look at my sister-in-law. And I walked
the floor all night; but by morning my
mind was made up.
At 9 o’clock I met that boy and girl at
the store, and told them I should be gone
all the day. In ten minutes more I stole
Lilly’s key from uuder the counter and
went to the house—to her little room on
the third floor, and entered it like athief.
It was very poor ai;d very bare, hut very
neat Cud clean; and there was a closet in
it, with a few dresses hanging upon pegs,
and a bonnet box on a shelf. Into this
closet I went, and there sat down on an
old trunk aud waited. I heard a queer
old clock ticking in the room. I heard
it oount the hours—ten, eleven, twelve—
and kept saying to myself :
“ If you are a wicked, suspicious old
fool, Richard Wood, Lord forgive you.”
Rut I waited still, and just as the long
black hands pointed at half-past one, I
heard such a knock as my sister-in-law
always gave at the office door.
There was another knock—a pause ;
and then I heard the key turn in the
lock, and saw the door opeu and my sis
ter-in-law come in. She looked about
her, shut the door, relocked it and stole
across the room. Then—God forgive the
woman ; I suppose she was mad with
jealousy—she lifted up the mattress of
her little bed in the comer, nnd taking n
red pocket-book thrust it under, pulling
the quilt down about the bed afterward.
“I hardly think you’ll marry Sam
Spencer after all, Miss Lilly,” she said
aloud, with a wicked toss of her head.
“ I’ve outwitted you.”
“ Not quite,” said I, “Margaret Ann,
there are two words to that matter.”
I walked out of the closet and stood
with my back to the outer door. She
knew herself trapped, but her wicked
tongue had its way still.
“So you’re in the habit of coming
here 1” she said. “ Nice young lady,
certainly.”
“I never came here before,” said I,
and you know it; but I’ve been here all
dsty waiting for you. I saw Lilly’s key
in your basket last night, and I began to
guess the truth. Bring me that pocket
book.”
Margaret Ann did it. She was as pale
as death and almost as cold. I looked at
her and felt sorry for her after all.
“You’re my brother’s widow,” I said,
“ and a poor foolish, jealous creature. I
haven’t told you one of my suspicions
yet, and I never will on two conditions.
“Name them,” said she. “I cannot
help myself.”
“You’ll retire from business,” said I.
“Glad to do it,” said she.
“And you’ll give that thousand dollar
bill to Lilly as a wedding present.”
She looked at me and gave a great
gulp.
“Nasty littlecat,” said she, “Iwont.”’
But she did, and only I ever knew why
the widow Wood was so generous to
Lilly Rathbone on her wedding day, or
why she started for Europe on the very
next steamer that sailed from New York,
and still remains there.
“Ah 1” said a skeptical collegian to an
old Quaker, “I suppose you are one of
those fanatics who believe the Bible ?”
Said the old man, “I do believe the
Bible. Do you believe the Bible ?”
“No, I can have no proof of its truth.”
“Then,” inquired the old man, “does
thee believe in France ?”
“Yes, for although I have not seen it,
others have. Besides there is plenty of
corroborative proof that such a country
does exist.”
“Then thee will not believe anything
thee or others have not seen ?”
“No.”
“Did thee ever see thy own brains ?”
“No.”
“Ever see a man who did see them ?”
“No.”
“Does thee believe thee has any ?”
The last question put an end to the dis
eussion.
A Georgia preacher, in translating the
sentence, “The harvest is over, the
season is ended, and thy soul is not
saved,” put it, “De com has been
cribbed, dere ain’t any more work, and
de ut'bbil is still foolin wid dis communi
ty-”
A school teacher asked anew boy,
“ Who made this glorious Universe ?”
But the boy could not tell. So the teacher
got a raw-hide and told tl*e boy if he
didn’t tell him he would whip him. The
boy looked at the whip and sniveled out,
Please, sir, I did, but I won’t do it
again.”
“Can You Keep a Secret.”
“Dorothy,” said Ichabod, pale and
trembling, to his wife, “Dorothy, I have
a secret, and if I thought you would
keep it inviolable I would not hesitate to
reveal it to you ; but oh, Dorothy, wo
man !”
“Why, Ichabod, it must certainly be a
secret of great importance, for you are in
a woful agitation. You know, husband,
you can place implicit confidence in your
wife. Have I ever given you occasion to
doubt my fidelity ?”
“Never, never, Dorothy; but the
secret I have to communicate is one that
requires mote than ordinary faithfulness
and prudence, to prevent you from
divulging it. Oh, dear, I shudder when
I think of it !”
“Why, husband, do you know how
your lips tremble, and your eyes roll ?
What is the matter ? Ichabod 1 you
surely cannot mistrust the confidence of
one who vowed at the altar to be faith
ful to you. Come, unbosom yourself !”
“May I rely on your fidelity?"
“Ichabod, you know you may.”
“Well, then, we are both ruined, un
done ! I have committed murder.”
“Murder.”
“Yes, murder ! and I have buried him
at the foot of a tree in the orchard.”
“Oh, awful, Ichabod ! Committed
murder ! Then, indeed, we are ruined
and our children with us !”
Ichabod left the room, and Dorothy
hurried off to a neighbor’s.
Mrs. Prattle observed a great change
in Dorothy's countenance and in her
general appearance—su great as to cause
her to inquire into the eause of it.
“Oli, Mrs. Prattle,” said Dorothy, “I
am the most miserable of women, I am
ruined forever!”
“Mercy, Dorothy, how gloomy you
look! Wliat has turned up to make you
look so dejected ? Why, how you sigh,
woman! Tell me the cause?”
“I wish I might, Mrs. Prattle, but the
occasion of my unhappiness is a secret
which lam now not permitted to divulge.”
“Oil, you may tell me, Dorothy. I
shall never speak it again.”
“Will you jiromise not to reveal it to
any person living ?”
“You know, Dorothy, I never tell se
crets.”
“Well, Mrs. Prattle—l scarcely dare
say it—my husband has committed mur
der, and buried bim at the foot of a tree
in the orchard—he told me of it himself !
For heaven’s sake don’t name it to any
one.”
“Murder! your husband committed
murder 1 Indeed, indeed, Dorothy, you
have reason to think yourself ruined !
Poor thing! I pity you from the bottom
of my heart!”
Dorothy went home weeping, and
leaving her dough half kneaded, and in
fant crying in the cradle, hastened to
hold a tete-a-tete with a Mrs. Tellall.—
Soon after the confab ended, the report
of Ichabod’s having committed murder
became general, and the disclosure of
the fact was traced to his wife, Dorothy.
Process was immediately issued against
him by a magistrate before whom, and
in the presence of a multitude of anxious
spectators, he gave the following ex
planation :
“My object,” said Ichabod, “in the
course I have pursued, was to test the
capability of my wife to keep a secret.—
I have committed murder, inasmuch as I
have killed a toad, and buried it at the
foot of a tree in my own orchard. How
far my wife is capable of keeping a se
cret has been sufficiently proven, and
with respect to the murder, those who
feel any interest in it are at liberty to
inspect the body.”
A young lady teacher in a Lawrence
Sunday school caught a boy smiling last
Sunday. Said she : “ What are you
smiling at, Johnny?” “Nothing,mum,”
was the answer. “ I know better,” said
the teacher severely ; “ now tell me what
it was.” Johnny looked frightened as
he stntteringly said, “I—l—s-see yer
n-newspaper s-sticking out mum.” The
teacher sat down suddenly and arranged
things.
Conversation between an inquiring
stranger and steamboat pilot: “That is
Black Mountain ?” “Yes, sir; highest
mountain above Lake George.” Any
Conversation between an inquiring
stranger and steamboat pilot: “That is
Black Mountain ?” “ Yes, sir ; highest
mountain above Lake George.” Any
story or legend connected with that
mountain?” “ Lots of’em. Two lovers
went up that mountain once and never
came back again.” “Indeed—why?
what became of them?” “Went down
on the other side.”
Once a careless man went to the cel
lar and stuck the candle in what he
thought was a keg of black sand. He
eat near it drinking wine until the candle
burned low. Nearer and nearer it got to
the black sand; nearer aud nearer, until
the blaze reached the black sand, and as
it was sand, nothing happened.
A society for the suppression of slang
has been formed among the pupils of the
girl’s high school of San Francisco. Said
a reporter to one of its members : “Your
object is a praiseworthy one. Do you
think you will succeed in eradicating
conversational slang ?” “ You bet,” was
the rfiply,
. y.
Mr. Gun, our Darwinian friend, thinks
he descended ’from a Parrot. He is a
smooth bori.
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WISE AND OTHER WISE.
A drunken Toledo man wrote on the
wall of his cell: “Jug not that ye be
not jugged.”
A tailless calf, bom in Warren county,
Indiana, last week is enjoying life now
—but wait until fly time.
A notice in the oars on a railroad in
forms the public that “No gentleman
will occupy more than one seat at a time
unless he be twins."
Somebody inquiring at the Springfield
(111.) Postoffice for a letter for Mike
Howe received the gruff answer that
there was no letter there for anybody’s
cow.
A western man at a “meeting” said,
somewhat enviously, “Brother Dawson
can sing better than I can, but by the
grace of Heaven, I can fiddle his shirt
off!"
“I’m afraid I’m sitting on your crin
oline, ma’am.” “Oh! never mind, sir,
it’s of no consequence : you can’t hurt
it.” “No, ma’am, it’s not that, but the
confounded things hurts me.”
The author of that popular melody,
“Tread gently on thy father’s com,” is
now engaged upon “Mother wipe my
little nose,” and “Mother don’t curl my
hair so tight.”
Our valuable contemporary, the Hono
lulu Polynesian says : “Tahookahora e
ko kiaaina o Oahu, J. Kaona ma kahi o
J. Kaaukai ka mei i make iho hei.” We
agree in substanee with this view of the
case.
A Portland man was caught fishing
for trout on another man’s land the other
day; the owner remonstrated, but re
tired in silence before the majestic
answer. “Who wants to catch your
trout ? I’m only trying to drown this
worm.”
It was a mean thing for Daniel Web
ster to do to stick a man with a hay-stick
over in Jersey City the other day.
In Pennsylvania, a lady, hooked by a
neighbor’s bull, for wearing a red dress,
now bemoans that she lias no redress.
Professor King took four newspaper
ballooon reporters nearer the skies the
other day than they will probably ever
go again.— Graphic.
In Wisconsin, a man reported that he
couldn’t find a word in the dictionary,
because the blasted book hadn’t got an
index.
A Detroit bootblack has a bank ac
count of $l,lOO, much to the surprise
of all who know how much blacking is
required by tbe average Michigan boot.
A Terre Haute young woman has sued
I. M. Pierce for a breach of promise,
and wants $85,000. She vows she will
never come down to fifteen cents.
No actor, according to the Danbury
News man, lias yet been able to (counter
feit that expression of joy which a man
shows when discovering a ten-cent stamp
in his paper of tobacco.
The St. Louis Democrat says: “Our
experience and the history of the past
eighteen centuries incline us to the belief
that no matter how well you treat a shot
gun, nor liow you bring it up, it will
bang the stuffing out of you tbe very
first time it gets a chance.”
Two little girls were lately prattling
together, and one of them said, “We
keep four servants, have got six horses,
and lots of carriages ; now what have
you got?” With quite as much pride,
the other answered, “We’ve got a skunk
under our bam. ”
A Western paper says that the first
duty of the Grangers is to extinguish
every operator who begins his speech
with “I have not the good fortune to be
a farmer; but I have always felt the
most profound interest in the truly noble
and predominant pursuit of agriculture,
and never was that interest greater than
now.”
It is said that a son of Brigham Young
is going to marry a newly established
female seminary.
The Sedalia Bazoo says: “Two,
Lafayette girls contracted neuralgia by
sleeping with their hands in a stocking
of mush to whiten them. The mush
was put iuhot, but froze before morning.
It is said, in illustration of the great
velocity of the winds in Wyoming Terri
tory, that a gentleman in Cheyenne,
losing his hat in the street, rushed to tha
telegraph office and telegraphed to Den
ver, Col., requesting that his hat might
be stopped there, but was immediately
informed that it had gone by, traveling
southward.
A juryman remaked : “May it please
yer honor, I am deaf in one ear.”—
“Then leave the box,” replied the judge,
“a juror must hear both sides"
A clergyman who preached in a prison
commenced in his usual way by saying :
“I am glad, my friends, to see so many
of you here this morning.”
One of a party of friends, referring to
an exquisite musical composition, said :
“That song always carries me away
when I hear it.” “Can any one whistle
it?” said Douglas Jerrold, laughing.
It is useless to argue against short
sleeved dresses. The Constitution says
that “the right to bear arms shall not be
-nterfered with.