Newspaper Page Text
GfMIDCm SBDtLQS
, HOT Tlf|ES.
Jimmie Hay. one bright
young men of the Times,
who “covers" the White House and
usually travels with President Taft,
was sent to Beverly when the presi
dent went to the summer capital.
There was not much doing and the
managing editor wired Jimmie to
come back, thinking he would be of
more use in Washington.
One of Hay's associates on the pa
lter. who has the office reputation of
being very close-fisted, thought to
have some fun with Jimmie and tele
graphed him: "Welcome back to our
fair city. Temperature is 104 at the
Kiosk today."
Whereupon Jimmie replied: “It must
he hotter than that in Washington to
melt the price of a telegram off your
roll."—Saturday Evening Post.
NATURALLY.
She —I saw a handsome picture of
Mr. Rockefeller the other day.
He —Oil, 1 suppose.
Up-to-Date Mythology.
EaJd Cerebus to Pandora:
"What's In your bandbox flat!”
Said Pandora to Cerebus:
"A chanticleer bat!”
Louis Wain’s Cats.
Here Is a good story of Louis Wain
*—the well-known artist whose draw
ings of cats are world-wide in their
reputation.
He strolled into a variety theater
one night, and was introduced to a
man there.
Casually his friend remarked that
this was Louis Wain, whose cats were
so famous.
The man, after studying his pro
gram, turned suddenly to Mr. Wain,
remarking: "And what time, sir, does
your cat turn come along here? I
don’t see It mentioned in the pro
gram ! ”
Stopped the Confab.
The honeymoon had disappeared be
hind a domestic cloud.
"Was there any fool in love with
you before I married you?” he de
manded angrily.
“Yes, one,” she answered.
“Well,” he snapped, "I'm sorry you
rejected him.”
“But I didn't reject him,” she .re
joined. "He married me.”
Looking Ahead.
Somekins—DeVine Is doing all he
can to make his prospective married
life inexpensive.
Lymans—What is he doing special
ly?
Somekins —Encouraging his fiancee
to buy all the clothes she can coax
her father to pay for.
Proper Name.
“Why do you call that a still?” ask
ed the innocent youth who had wan
dered into the mountains of Tennes
see.
“Because,” explained the moonshin
er, “we have to work it on the quiet.”
THE DIFFERENCE.
"Jones is a newspaper- man, isn’t
he?”
“No. He’s a journalist. He touches
you for a loan every time he meets
you.”
What Might Happen.
False puffs are harmless. Just suppose
The pretty dears
Should want to wear an extra nose
Or se\en ears.
The Fountain Sealed.
Chief —Tell me, sir, why have you
so utterly failed to get a clew to this
crime?
Detective —'Tain’t my fault The re
porters are down on me, an' they
won’t tell me nothing!
What Did He Mean?
"John, did my summer at the sea
shore cost too much?”
“It cost a whole lot, dear, but it
was worth it.”
THE BILL CERM.
I know that money carries germs,
For I have often seen
The evidence that full confirms
This sordid fact and mean.
Indeed. I've felt the awful truth.
And suffered from the crash
That often rises from the truth
That there be genus In cash,
I loved a maiden sweet and fair,
I loved her deeply, too;
All golden was her bonny hair.
Her eyes were wond'rous blue.
She promised one day to be mine
My own beloved wife.
To tinge with Joyousness divine
The dark ways of my life.
And then a bunch of money came—
Alas, that It should be!
And she I'd thought to bear my name
Turned chilly unto me.
And ere the summer days had sped
My heart was sorely hit—
That fickle maiden skipped and wed
The gerrn that came with It!
—John Kendrick Bangs, In Puck.
Weather and the Man.
Hear the man! What does he say
so vociferously? He says: "I don’t
like this summer. It keeps a fellow
ualf roasted all the time. I like the
cold weather when the air puts new
life into a man. It’s the good old
winter for mine every time!"
Have you seen the man before?
Yes; last winter. What did the man
say then? He said:
“Hang this cold weather! It keeps
a fellow half frozen all the time. I
like warm weather, when the winds
are soft and balmy. It’s the good
old summer for mine every time!”
Strange, isn't it?—Puck.
After-Dinner Walks.
The tramp was bolting the meal
provided by the kind-hearted house
wife.
“1 think you’d greatly Improve your
health if you practised Fletcherlsm,"
commented the lady, good-naturedly.
" ’Tain’t necessary, ma’am," said the
tramp between mouthfuls; “you see, I
keeps me appetite so healthy practis
in’ Westonism.”—Puck.
As indicated.
Professor—To what class of mala
dies does insomnia belong?
Bright Student—Why—er—insomnia
Is a contagious disease.
Professor —Where did you learn
that?
Bright Student —From experience.
When my neighbor’s dog can't sleep
at night I can’t either.
WANTED TO KNOW,
Higgs—l had been In Boston only
two days when I had a terrible chill.
Hoggs—What was the girl's name?
Happy Porker.
One little pig went to market.
And how happily he did squeal!
For, you see, this porker was worth ten
plunks
And rode In an automobile.
Not Always Necessary.
A prominent lawyer's wife had fads
about hygiene sleeping. She once
asked her husband: “Is it better to
lie on the right side or on the other?”
He answered, absently: “My dear,
when one is on the right side it gen
erally is not necessary to do much
lying.’'—lndex.
English as She Is Spoke.
A girl who is considered as belong
ing to the high-brow crowd was the ob
ject of a serenade the other night, and
in telling a friend about it said: “I
don’t think there is nothing more nicer
than to be woken up at night with
vocal singing.”—Alma Signal.
Wasn't Sorely Tried.
“Speaking of patience,” remarked
the suburbanite, “Job’s wasn’t so
great.”
“How do you figure that out?”
queried the innocent bystander.
“His next-door neighbor didn’t own
a phonograph,” explained the other.
Mud Flats.
“Yes,” said the Chicago man who
had been down the Mississippi, “you
have some fine swimming holes around
St. Louis.”
“Then you took a dip?” spoke up
the St. Louis man. "And what did
you do after enjoying a good swim in
the broad Mississippi?"
"I went home and took a bath.”
The Inevitable.
“What a discontented expression
Mrs. de Woozy wears.”
“Yes, she worries all the time —and
unhappily the cause of her worry
continually increases."
“Poor woman! What does sbf,
worry about?”
“Growing old.” I
AN EXCUSE FOR EACH.
Mother (severely) How many !
strawberries have you eaten out of j
this basket, Ethel?
Ethel—Only two. One to see how it
tasted, and the other to take the taste
out of my mouth.
Puzzled by Wireless.
“Mistah Jenkins," asked an old ne
gro of Atlanta of his employer,
“would yo’ be so good, sah, as to ex
plain to me 'bout this wireless tele
graph business I hears ’em-a-talkiug
’bout?"
“Why, certainly, Henry," responded
the employer, “though 1 can do so only
In a general way, as I myself know
little of the subject. The thing con
sists in sending messages through the
air instead of over wires.*
“\ r assah,” said Henry. “I knows
'bout dat; but, sah, what beats me is
how dey fasten the air to the poles!"
A PERMANENT CURE.
No Sign of Kidney Trouble for Over
a Year.
Mrs. C. J- Becker, 38 Chestnut Sq.,
Jamaica Plains, Boston, Mass., says:
”1 was a physical wreck. I could not
have walked a block had my life de-
J®-. pended upon it.
The kidney se
**9 cretions were in
- V terrible condi
tion and I bloat
ed badly. I
wished for
JlL' 'V> Mr'll death. 1 learned
of Doan's Kid
hey Pills and as
began their use. Gradually I Im
proved until at last I was well. Over
a year has now elapsed and not a sign
•of kidney trouble has api»eared. I give
Doan's Kidney Pills credit for saving
my life.”
■Remember the name—Doan's.
For sale by all dealers. f»0 cents a
box. Foster-Wilburn Co.. Buffalo, N. Y.
Which Do You Like Worst 7
This is the greatest known way for
undecided people to make up their
minds.
None but a strong-minded woman
can ever decide which of two or three
hats she likes “the best,” particularly
if they are all comely.
Popular belles have been known to
have similar troubles with their
sweethearts. Which do I like best is
often a momentous question.
Why not try (he other way?
Decide which, of men, or hats, or
attractive “dates” you like the worst,
and then proceed to eliminate.
From there you can factor out In
the grade of desirability, until you
actually find yourself at a decision,
because it, whatever it is, is the only
one left.
The process is delightfully simple.
African Logic.
Dusky Driver (ushering ladies from
steamer) —Y'eß. marm —dis way, inarm;
ca’iage to de hotel.
First Lady (hesitating at 6tep)—
And what will you charge?
D. D. —One dollar, macm.
Second Lady—Half a dollar apiece,
when the hotel is barely a block away ?
Why, we’d just as lief
D. D. (interrupting)—-Would you
jest as lief go In de hotel Vus? Dey
charges a quarter.
Ladies (in chorus) —Just as lief.
D. I), (with flourish) —Den step
right into de ca’ige, marm, an’ I’ll take
yu fer de same as de bus —dey is some
folks prefers de ca'ige and I has to
charge accordin’! —Virginia Vintage.
Science and Cheese.
A medical authority kindly assures
us that as long as cheese isn’t de
cayed It will not affect the health of
the consumer. This is a fact that we
have suspected for a considerable
time. But how is the ordinary cheese
epicure to detect the difference —un-
less he waits for results?
There is cheese so thoroughly dis
guised in the costume and aroma of
decay that its proper standing on the
sanitary testing table would puzzle a
conjuror.
For Instance, there is the brand
known as limburger.
But why pursue this subject?
For COLIM and GRIP
nicks’ Capudine is the best remedy—re- ;
lie vets the aching and feverishness—cures the
Cold and restores normal conditions. It’s
liquid—effects immediatly. 10c., 25c., and 50c.
At drug stores.
Power of a Magnet.
A steel horseshoe magnet can hold
in suspension a weight up to twenty
times Its own.
You Lo ok P rematurely Old
Because of those ugly, grizzly, gray hairs. Use “LA CREOLE” HAIR RESTORER. PRICE, SI.OO. retail.
SOCIETY LADIES
READ THIS
You Will Find Thij Letter From
Mrs. Baker, of Floral,
Very Interesting.
Floral, Ark. —“Until a month ago,”
writes Mrs. Viola Baker, of this place,
“I was in very bad health. I was so
weak and nervous that I was unable
to do my housework. I tried Cardul,
according to directions, and now I am
in good health and recommend your
medicine to all my friends. I gave
Cardul to three of my friends to try,
and they all say it helped them.”
Society and household cares make
nervous, weak women, who suffer
great pain and misery, much of which
can be avoided by taking Cardul.
Worry and overwork act on your
nerves like rust on metal, and they
simply go to pieces. You can’t always
| make rusty metal bright again, and
; sometimes you can't get your nerves
straightened out again, so better be
gin before the trouble goes too deep.
For half a century, Cardui has been
used with benefit, by sick women,
thousands of whom have written, tell
ing of the good results obtained,
j Doesn't this mean something to you?
Benefit by others’ experience. Car
; dui will help you. Try it.
Ask your druggist about Cardui.
j N. B —Write to: Ladies' Advisory Dept.,
! Chattanooga Medicine Co., Chattanooga,
i Tonn., for Special Instructions , and 64-
; book, "Home Treatment for Wom
en," sent In plain wrapper on request.
PAGE FROM ANCIENT HISTORY
Incident of Hannibal's Career That
Writers Appear to Have
Overlooked.
Hannibal and his staff were pacing
merrily over the Alps on their faithful
war elephants. Suddenly n man with a
I ttn badge and chin whiskers rushed
into the roadway and held up his
hand. “You stop right where you be!”
he cried. “Why should I stop?" thun
dered the great Carthaginian as his
mahout hooked the elephant’s ear.
“You’re exceedin' the speed limit,” re
plied the man with (he star. “An’ I'm
a duly appointed constable, by heck."
Hannibal was so overcome by this
amusing holdup that he lossed a bag
of gazoollans to the officer and laugh
ing hysterically rode away. Later on,
however, his indignation uppercut his
sense of humor, and he proceeded to
slain the life out of the Roman con
suls and their picked veterans, forc
ing the fighting to the very gate of
shuddering Rome. —Boston Traveler.
NO HEALTHY SKIN LEFT
"My 111Uc son. a boy of five, broke
out with an Itching rash. Three doc
tors prescribed for him, but he kept
getting worse until we could not dress
him any more. They finally advised
me to try a certain medical college,
but its treatment did no good. At
the time I was induced to try Cuti
cura he was so bad that I had to cut
his hair off and put the Cutlcura Oint
ment on h im on bandages, as it was
impossible to touch him with the bare
hand. There was uot •re square inch
of skin on his whole body that was
! not affected. He was one hr ss of
sores. The bandages used to stick'o
his skin and in removing them it used
to take the skin off with them, and
the screams from the poor child were
heartbreaking. I began to think that
he would never get well, but after the
second application of Cuticura Oint
ment I began to see signs of improve
ment, and with the third and fourth
applications the sores commenced to
dry up. His skin peeled off twenty
j times, but it finally yielded to the
| treatment. Now I can say that he is
entirely cured, and a stronger and
healthier boy you never saw than he
is to-day. twelve years or more since
the cure was effected. Robert Wattam,
1148 Forty-eighth St., Chicago, 111.,
Oct. 9, 1909.”
The Explanation.
Old Podkins lay back In his chair
in calm content, and though his wife
was quite near him he was happy, for
she had not broken the silence for
nearly five minutes.
He had been married for five-and
twenty long years, and Mrs. Podkins,
almost daily during 24 of them, had
disturbed the domestic peace by a too
full exercise of her tongue.
“My dear,” broke in Mrs. P ,
thinking it time she said something to
interrupt the quiet, “l see by the pa
pers that a petrified jaw two yards
long has been found in Cornwall.”
“What!” cried Podkins, starting up.
“Now I know your secret. But you
never told me your ancestors came
from that part of the world!”
I
TO DRIVE OUT MALARIA
AND lit I LI) IF THE SYSTEM
Take the Old Btandard GROVB’B TASTKLKS3
CHILL TONIC. You know wliat you aro taking.
The formula is plainly printed on every bottle,
showing it is simply Quinine and Iron In a taste
less form. The Ouinlne drives out the malaria
and tne Iron builds up the system. Sold by all
dealers for 3U years. Price 50 cents.
Woman's sphere now seems to be the
whole earth.
IN THEIR GOWNS.
Papa—That was the supreme court
of the United States w© just came
out of.
Tommy (aged seven) —Gee, pop!
dere wasn’t anybody dere but a lot of
bearded old women dressed in black.
In a Hurry.
It was Anna’s first visit at the sea
side. She was only a little girl, and
very enthusiastic over the long-looked
for opportunity to go into the water.
They came too late the previous
day for a dip in the surf, so Anna was
up early, and as she put on her bath
ing suit while the rest, were at break
fast some one questioned her as to
her haste.
“Well, you see,” replied the thought
ful child, “I want to hurry and go in
before so many people get in and get
the water cold.”
The Effects.
“I have come to you, my friend, for
comfort. My best girl has treated me
very badly. I was trying to explain
something to her, but she gave me
such sharp looks they cut me to the
heart; she withered tne with her
scorn, crushed me with her cold
ness and stabbed me with her keen
edged tongue.”
“See here, man, you oughtn't to
come to me for comfort; what you
need is to go to a hospital for treat
ment .”
SPOHN’S DISTEMPER Cl RE will
cure any possible ease of DISTEMPER,
PINK EYE, and the like among horses
of all ages, and prevents all others in the
same stable from having the disease. Also
cures chicken cholera, and dog distemper.
Any good druggist can supply you, or send
to mfrs. 50 cents and SI.OO a bottle. Agents
wanted. Free book. Spohn Medical Co.,
Spec. Contagious Diseases, Goshen, Ind.
Made Sure of Death.
A student of a school in Shinshu,
Japan, recently committed suicide by
Jumping into the crater of Asama
yama. The tragedy was not discovered
until three days afterward, when some
documents left by the suicide near
the crater were picked tip.
Bermuda Onion Seed.
Direct from Teneriffe. We are head
quarters. Write for prices. John A.
Salzer Seed Co., La Crosse, Wis.
Increase of Commerce.
The commerce of the port of New
York has had a growth of 62 per cent,
in the last ten years.
For IIFADAOHF. -Hicks’ <\\l’t'DlM!
Whether from Coldn, Heat, Htomach or
Nervous Troubles, Capudine will relieve you.
It's liquid—pleasant to take acts immedi
ately. Try it. 10c., 25c., and 60 cents at drug
stores.
Truth is a structure reared on the
battlefield of contending forces. —Dr.
Winchell.
Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup for Children
tej f hlng, softens the gums, reduces inflamma
tion, allays pain, cures wind colic, 25c. a bottle.
Too much staiegy can tangle itself
more than it can fool others.
tHE Famous
I Jllllfllji
• Once .a., Ray<» user, always one ‘j, A*
The Rayo Lamp is a high grade lamp, *old at a price. I
There are lamps that com more, but there is no better lamp j* at any I
price. Constructed of f> Id brass: nickel plated—easily kej £?an: an ■
ornament to any room in ;,!) v house. There is nothing known ndfl
of lamp-making that can add U, the value of the HA YO 1 .amdJW
giving device. Kvery dealer eve.’where If not at yours,
descriptive circular to the nearest rk'L.’ of the
STANDARD OIL COMPANY rorporated)
.1 i
THE
STEADY
WHITE J
WGHT®
WINTERSMITriI
Oldest and Best Tonic; for Malaria and Debilijl
Jw •ygrra A splendid general tonfc; 40 years* success. ContH
83 J M BBT no arsenic or other poisons. Unlike quinine, it Ie i
g§ ysj Ba no bad effects. Take no substitute.
Kg f&p giS book of puzzles sent to any add IK
SSI Hi fgf AIITIICR FKTKA A CO., 6«»’l jl-
InILL tom
BfllA 1 AXLE GREAfI
mkgm HE 18 Mu Keeps the spindle brighSj
Ira Bf JB iree from grit. Try alt
B R HH gg Egg bold by everywneM
if I H jm STANDARD OIL f
B ™ ™ ™ ™ (Incorporated)
MUNYON'S
RHEUMATISM
Has (in ed C I I D CT
thousands LUll L.
and if con cure-you.
Relieves from tlic
first.
All Druggists, 25 c
Insomnia
“I have been using Cascarets for In
somnia, with which I have been afflicted
for twenty years, and I can say that Cas
carets have given me more relief than any
other remedy I have ever tried. I shaft
certainly recommend them to my friend*
as being all that they are represented.’*
Thos. Gillard, Elgin, 111.
Pleasant, F*alatable, Potent, Taste Good*
Do Good. Never Sicken.iWeaken or Gripe
10c, 25c, 50c. Never sold in bulk. The gen
uine tablet stamped CC C. Guaranteed to
cure or your money back. 324
W. L. DOUGLAS
H/ PROCES3 E ° SHOES
METTS $2.00, $2.50, $3.00, $3.50, $4.00, $5.00
WOMEN'S $2.50, $3,53.50, $4 / v
BOYS’ $2.00,52.50 &,$3.00 / &V
THE STANDARD f Wr
FOR 30 YEARS EU/iw, W.-
They sre absolutely the E|sj
most popularaudbestshoes t j fK/f
for the price in America. I jSWT
They are the leaders every
where because they hold . !.
their shape, fit better, dKtifoyiCr /L.
look bettei and wear lon- jR y ' f /SIW
ger than other makes. |f
They are positively the -"PSW
moat economical shoes for you to bay. W. E»
Douglas name and the retail price are stamped
on the bottom value guaranteed.
TAKE NO SUBSTITUTE! If yonr dealer
cannot supply you write for Mail Order Catalog.
W. L. DOUGLAS. Brockton, Muc
un> hi Bi Send postal for
0B Sk bi la Free Package
I IE n Kbz of Paxtine.
Better and more economical
tban liquid antiseptics
FOB ALL TOILET USES.
pssriNE
I TOILET ANTISEPTIC
Give* one a sweet breath; clean, white,
germ-free teeth —antiseptically deaa
mouth and throat —purifies the breath
after smoking—dispels all disagreeable
per spiration and body odors — rnuf.h ap
preciated by dainty women. A quick
remedy for sore eyes and catarrh.
9 A little Paxtine powder <&-
«o!ved in a glas» of hot water
make: a delightful antiseptic so
lution, possessing extrnordinuß
cleansing, germicidal and
ing power, and absolutely ItJraj]
lest. Try a Sample. SjCEj
large box at druggifit oltSfK
The Paxton Toilet Co., BoeTONpiSp^]
Try murine eye remedit
For Red, Weak, Weary, Watery Eye* and ■! j
GRANULATED EYELIDS .8.1
MurineDoesn’t Smart—Soothes Eye Paiti
Droygut* Sell Mount Eye Remedy, Liquid, 25c, Sdc».
Murine Eye Salve, in Aseptic Tubes, 25c.
EYE BOOKS AND ADVICE FREE BY MAH
MurineEveßemedvCo-ChicngH
GET A SAW MILLB
from Lombard Iron Works, Auguswl
ta, Ga. Make money tawing neigklH
bor’a timber when gin engine it
after the crops are laid by.
siFH liioatpson’s EyeWai®
'.V. r.‘ U, ATLANTA. NO.