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UKARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA„ SUNDAY
APRIL 27. 191:1.
Jeff Wishes He Were the Czar
By “Bud” Fisher
SMILE!
Have you ever thought of the
weight of a smile,
How far it will travel, how long
It will last as time is waning the
while,—
That it never is lost? In a song
On the lips of the one who re-*
ceived it, no doubt,
That smile will send other smiles
cheerily out,
As the years come and go will that
smile brighter grow.
Smile, smile, smile!
Have you ever known a bright,
smiling face,
Where the smile was sincere and
true,
That did not attract you in won
drous grace,
Or was ever unwelcome to you^
Had you ever thouaht when you
start on a day
You probably will meet some one
on the way
Who is burdened with care yoj
can help lighten there,
If you smile?
Smile! It matters not if your own
lonely heart
Is burdened with cares un
known;
Smile! The bright light reflected
from rays you impart
Will help to make brighter your
own;
Smile, e’en though it may some
times be through your
tears—
A smile, or a frown, will live on
through the years,—
Smile, smile, smile!
—Evangel Ryerson Harrel
Spring Iss Here!
Gus Williams, Vaudeville’s Popular Ger
man Comedian, Gets Funny Over It.
■BtBTHtA. mX, bj til. Kiidqni. Uwbt Bnt.ln It—
V ELL, Spring has sprung out of der clouds and In
a llddle while It will bo Summer. Dot'* me. I
am never *o happy as when it la Summer time.
I pock my gT-r-rip und right away I go mit der sea
shores.
Last Summer I wont down to Atlantic City. It
•u my first trip to dot place. I hall been in der
habit of going to Lons Branches en<-\ Summer for
der laet ten years on a para.
I am well acquainted In Long Branches. Every
body knows me- even der moequitoes. Dey call me
by my first name und everything. Lest Summer,
when I went down to der depot to lake der train for
home, 4,000,000,500 mosquitoes were on hand, und dey
all "bit" me good-by.
Der spokesman of dls swarm sat right, on my ear
and said, "Out. dls parting iss so sad, yet ob, ao
aweetl" By golly, day vos like my relation* dot
Summer. They chuat lived off of me.
Not wishing to ha bled any longer, 1 decided to
make a Jump to Atlantic City. X was Into der fire
from der pan out right away! I didn’t want to go
to der seashores, but der doctor said 1 must, dot 1
was getting too fat and dot der fat round my heart
was Interfering mit der action of my feet. He said
dot a week or two in Atlantic City would reduce me.
Right away he reduced me to der tune of $5!
Dot doctor was der first one dot diagnosed der simp-
sons correctly. II* waa right when he eald dot At
lantic City would reduce me. I went dere mit a roll
dot would trip up an elephant, und when I come beck
I had Just 30 centa left. Und I wouldn’t have had
dot but it slipped down into my shoe from a Utile
hole In der pent* pockets.
Besides der 30 cents I had a hotel towel dot
looked like a specimens of Mexican drawn work.
When 1 was a kid my fadder used to read from der
book out about der wonderful pirates of der Spanish
Main. All dose fellers have given up der sea life.
Now dey are running hotels at Atlantic City. Dey
haven't changed a hit.
Der night I got dere I was so atok I could hardly
walk to my room. Bo two of der colored waiters
"held me up." When I got to der second floor I waa
so tired I sat down. I thought I’d take my tlm*. I
told der two waiters dot, but I guess dey misunder
stood. for dey took It themselves. I was oud both
thus und money.
Dey didn’t take all I had. though. They left me
1500. I couldn't understand how dey left me mit
euoh a roll, but It seems dot It Is one of der special
rule* of der proprietors dot der htred assassins leave
4«r ehump money enough to pay *- least a week's
board, so dot they can get thedr out.
I need to stroll along der beech every morning
und vetch der ladles bathing In der ocean. Und
before I forget It, I want to say right now, dot If I
had aeon my wife In a bathing suit before I proposed
marriage to her dot she would still be beating a poor
little typewriter for a Mvtag
Bat about der ladles In der water. 1 don't mean
to aaj dot I we* rude enough to stead and eter* at
der ladles In der water. Oh, no! But
I had a fine pair of field glasses mit
me!
Von thing I missed ven I vas there.
Der sea serpent! But I had been on
der water wagon for three months.
I saw a lot of sharks In der water
though —taxicab drivers from Broad
way street. New York!
Of course, foT der poor man Its
good enough to go by Coney Island
In der Summer. If you want to meet
a nice crowd of quiet people, chuat
take von of dose Coney Island boats
on a Sunday und go by tier place.
Dey are lfke a band of Indians go
ing to a scalping bee. Everybody
sings songs mit a different voice,
mltout knowing der tune. Dey will
argue mit you about anything If
you happen to dote off mit der
sleep, a couple of dose peeples will sneak up behind
you und put a hot clam shells down yqur back. Such
a nice, quiet set.
Der first time 1 went down to Coney Island I took
my first wife. Seldom haf I seen a bigger woman
den my first wife. Eggstremely stoudt! She said:
"Let’s go in swimming, Gus." Und I went. Vot a
chump! Right away der tide rose up seventeen feet,
und washed away der bathing pavilion und der frank
furter stands.
She said, “Gus, float me." 1 tried it und nearly
drowned.
Und how dot woman could dance! Chust like a
fairy—dot. is, a fairy of her size. Und vot an appe
tite! Once to see her eat was a sight. She could
eat a watermelon like a pill.
Ven I vent to get der wedding ring 1 took a piece
of string to der jeweler for der measure. "I want
it. to fit well,” I said.
Ho said, “Oh, prunes! If dot's der case, bring
der keg down here und let me fit It on!”
“Good Morning, ShipF-ir i«is ailen
Cupyrtfht. tuts, by the Ster Company, (treat Britain itiirhta Raeerted.
Washington, April 15.—The General Board of the
American Navy to-day Issued orders to drop the use
of the word* "port” and “atarboard” and use here
after the words "right” and “left.” The order hat
caused consternation among moat of the old salts.—
News Urm.
HOW IT WORKS.
T was a balmy evening.
The good old battleship Cali, souri was
ploughing (ploughing being a land term Is quite
permissible) her way across the broad expanse of
waters, when Jenks, the look-out—excuse us, the
night watchman—sighted a ship off his starboard-
off the right side of the front end of tne Calissouri.
“Ship ahoy!” shouted Jenks to the night officer
on fixed post on the bri——on the upper front porch.
"Jenks, you antediluvian old sea-dog, I shall send
you belo—downstairs and put you in the callaboose
if you cannot remember to report properly!” the
night officer on fixed post reprimanded him.
I
whether it is night, noon or morn
ing," Jenk s superior officer com
manded him.
a - f.' \\-p; sir."
THE DIVIDED GARDEN-By U. Green Fields
Copyfltflt, by ths Ht»r (Ymp*nj
(4r««t Britain Right*
F you think, John Cholmoldy, that 1 am
going out with you looking like that,
you’ve got another—-I mean, you are mis
taken.”
A* Mr*. Cholmoldy had explained to her
friends: "I era trying to chop elnng, because
there’s nothing to It."
’Looktng like what?” Innocently asked ber
husband.
“Looking like something they couldn't sell at
a rummage sale,” answered hte wife, gazing at
hi* tattered clothe*.
"Thte Is all right for adhere I am going," In
fold her.
“Then you are going to a hobos’ convention—”
"I am going out to my garden," proudly re
plied Jobn-Cholraoldy.
“YOUR garden? Since when did you have a
garden?"
”1 have no garden but ere night falls I will
have one,’’ he boasted, and started for the
kitchen door.
“Garden! If yon knew anything About a gar
den. If you knew a cabbage from an orchid. It
would be different. Why waste all your time
planting seeds for the birds and hugs, when you
might be taking me out In the car these fine
Saturdays?”
"Oh, yon can go out, but I think it every man s
duty to get close to nature, and for the sub
urbanite a garden Is the easiest way.”
"But If you knew anything about a garden.
John. You and yottr father and .ether* • father
end so od, Jf there were any ‘so ons,' were
brought up In the city. Why, the only ancestor
yon ever had whs was a gardener was Adam,
and he was so punk that he was driven out.
1 could make a better garden with an old Iron
spoon and a coal hod of dirt than you could
with an acre of virgin soil ”
Right here John Cholmoldy laughed. He may
have been an experienced gardener, but he was
not an experienced husband, else he would never
have laughed at his wife.
"I’ll fell you what I’ll do, Molly. I’ll divide
that plot out In the back yard; let you take
"It’s a go," said her husband, and together
they divided the plot.
“Take your choice; which side is it?” he
asked, after the ground had been spaded.
Mrs. Cholmoldy picked the lower side. Her
husband laughed.
“That shows what a bum farmer you are,
Molly. I hoped you’d take the lower half. I
get more etm In my half.”
“Yes, and I get the drainage." laughed his John’s were also ripe, but the trouble was only
wife. "My half will be moist, while your half about one vine in every eight was living. The
is drying up along In July for lack of water.” others had fallen down and broken off, or some-
But her husband only laughed, as he fenced thing like that,
the plot off, putlng up a nice fence between His encumbers also toppled over and died
the plots. Then they went to planting in about the time the fourth leaf was sprouting,
earnest- It must be said that Mrs. Cbolmoldy’s cu-
At the end of two weeks the gardens were cumbers were splendid; also her beans and to-
neck and neek. The vegetables were sprouting matoes. And so It went right through the sea-
nlcely. Then Mrs. Cholmoldy began working son.
In earnest every spars minute. Her score waa about one hundred to one
"Look here, Moll, I know I've no call to That is, for one cucumber he raised, she raised
help you but you’ll ruin yottr garden, Just a hundred, and so on In the same proportion
fussing around it so much. Nature provides with everything.
all that. Just keep the biggest weeds out and “I’ll give lu Moll,” he said at the end of the
that’s all there is to It. You’ll keep the stuff season. “You get the limousine, but for heav-
»o agitated that It will never grow.”
Mrs. Cholmoldy merely laughed.
It wasn't so long after that when she served kill the worms? I tried everything.”
your choice of either half, and If I don't raise
two vegetables to your one this Summer I’ll
—I’ll”
"You'll get me that big limousine for next
Winter that I wanted so muoh. Come on now.
be a sport. You are so sure of yourself here’s
a chance for you to squenl out of getting me
the car."
a nice lettuce salad. The leaves were small, to
be sure, but tender and crisp. There were also
some tiny radishes.
“Moll, don’t ever buy such little radishes,”
said her husband; "they're cheating you.’
"I didn’t buy them. I raised them. And I
am keeping count of every vegetable, too. I old Iron spoon.”
pulled twenty-four radishes and picked eighteen "Well, and then what?" asked her husband,
lettuce leaves. Whafe your score?” "Why I had to get rid of them, so I tossed
“Oh—ar t I—Ill supply (hem to-morrow,” ha them aU over into your garden, every day!”
”Bu , sir, I see a ship approacuin' "Stoppit! Stoppit!” yelled the officer on fixed
off our stabberd bows an’ ” post; . “when you reply you must drop that old-
“What’s that?” yelled the O. on fashioned form and say ’yes, sir.’ ”
F. P. "Aye—a—yes, sir. Good morning, ship!”
“I—I see a ship on our right, up "That’s better. Where away—whereabouts?”
forwar—up front, sir, an’ seein’ a "Two points of our—on the right, lookin’ up the
ship i didn't know no other way, sir, front end of this here ship, sir!” replied Jenks, and
:o report it.” as the officer nodded his approval poor Jenks shook
"Let me explain again," said the his grizzled head and wiped away a briny tear with
O. on F. P„ patiently, “that the now the back of his hand.
obsolete phrase ’Ship ahoy!’ was The commander of the Calissouri was sleeping
formerly a nautical form of greeting comfortably in his bed room on the third floor. Ths
another ship. Now you must say sa ii 0 rs were sleeping in the basement in their ham-
tood morning ship!'" mocks up in the front end of the ship, and the pilot
'But It isn't mornln', sir.” was turning the steering wheel in the little cupola
"Always use the phrase 'Good that overlooked the front piazza,
morning, Bhipl’ it saves trouble, The officer took his field glasses and looked at
the approaching ship. At the same time one of the
sergeants or Inspectors or lesser officers was looking
out of his -window at the boat. Suddenly he hastened
out Into the dining room, and from there upstairs to
the first veranda, and from there he went up several
more flights of stairs until he was on the roof of
the ship.
"What do you make her—that Is, have you any
Idea what her home port—home town—is, and where
she’s bound—going to?” queried the officer.
"No, sir,” replied Jenks, "but she seems to be
makin’ about seventeen knots—about twenty-three
miles, and she’s makin’—headed directly across our
bows”
"Our what?” asked the officer.
“Beg pardon, sir, I forgot; she seems to be trav-
elln’ directly across the front end of us. Better
stabberd our helium at once, sir; she's almost acrost
our bows now”——
"Jenks, go below. How dare you use such nautical
language aboard an American battleship? Mind the
stairs as you go down; go directly Into your bed
room, and”
Whatever else the Justly angered officer was about
to say was lost in a terrific crash!
The great ships had collided, head on. Already
the battleship was listing—tipping to port—to the
left, and settling forward—in her front end. The
other ship backed away, apparently unharmed, and
began to lower boats for the rescue of the crew—
that is, the hands, bosses and all, aboard the doomed
Calissouri.
The commander, purple with rage, faced the cap
tain of the other ship.
"Couldn’t you see our—our right and left llghtaj"
he asked of the captain.
“Yes, sir, I saw them plainly, port and starboard.
Look yourself, quickly, before she sinks!"
The commander of the Ill-fated battleship Calls-
sonrl looked. On the left, or port, side was a green
light. On the starboard, or right, side was a red light.
“You see, I thought you were going from us in
stead of toward ub; naturally"
But the commander of the battleship waited to heac
no more. With a groan he staggered away. It waa
all clear to him; Jenks had mixed the lights, fag
JENKS WAS LEFT-HANDED!
said, and he hurried out to his garden after
dinner. He came back rather dazed. His
lettuce was small and withered. Most of it had
fallen flat. His radishes were also unable to
hold up their heads or leaves.
"But my beans are taller than yours,” he
exclaimed.
When it came time for peas Mrs. Cholmoldy
was right there with a nice mess of them.
en’s sake tell me what did you put on them
to make them grow, and what did you use to
“Nothing; I Just dug around and caught the
hugs and worms.”
"Bnt I thought you were so soft-hearted you
never had the nerve to kill even a beetle or
cut-worm T'
"Oh, I couldn’t I just picked them up in an
Atlanta’s
TALES OF WIND AND WEATHER—By Walter Taylor City <**
“P
» APR and warm," aaid the
weather man.
“Cold and rain," said Jack
Prince. Prince won.
For seventeen years Jack Prince,
bicycle rider, track builder and globe
trqtter. has been bringing cold weath
er and rain to Atlanta. He brought
the cold snap that struck town re
cently. It was his advance agent.
Next day Prince breezed In. You
know what happened. He thought
it wap a Joke. Laughed until the
tears ran down the wrinkles around
hi# eyes ind made his face look like
a map >> lie Ohio flood district.
"I ki he roared 1n a voice
rm-i so like the baric of a lion
prodded n ith a hot pitch-fork. “I
knew It and the wife knew It. She
said to me, she did, "Go ahead, yon
skalawag. Go on down to Dixie and
break op the weather, kill all the frujt
and bust op the whole show.’ Gosh,
dang it here I am and there's your
rain.”
• • •
But Atlanta is not the only place
w here Prince has brought rain. Once
he went to Nashville and built a
cycle track. He had a grand Idea that
was to save h’m a lot of money. In
stead of covering the track with a
roof he had a canvaa top made. It
worked fine until the night for the
opening race. Then a storm came
up. The rain beat down, the light
ning flashed and the thunder rolled.
When the rain fell the wind rose.
Suddenly that cloth top went up like
a balloon. With it went half of the
track and it took three weeks to pick
the splinters out of Prince. He got
out of town earlv the next morning.
• • •
These endden drops In spring tem
perature catch a fellow sometimes and
swat him when he’s down. Years ago
when the old Kimball House was the
center of Atlanta’s civilization a glo
rious spring suddenly blossomed out
and sent the straw hat and honey
suckle market up about ten points
The Kimball billiard room was crowd
ed one morning when Charley Pem
berton, one of the best players In
town, walked in. He wore a new
straw hat. a pair of low shoes, open
work socks and a white linen suit.
He fairly bubbled with the joys of
summer. Five minutes later he was
busy at a billiard table. Half an
hour later a chill came through nn
opqn window. An hour later a ga e
was booming In from the West. That
linen suit looked like a dash of snow
on an Iceberg. A tall man wearing
an overcoat walked slowly up to the
table.
"Say Charley,” he drawled, "give
me one of those June apples you’ve
got In your pocket." The billiard
game broke up in a boxing match.
• • •
Ever been to San Francisco? Well,
when the wind comes up through that
town 1t seems like It will blow the
sidewalks off. And if you are not
accustomed to it the marrow in your
bones takes a tumble. I was out
there once and went to a circus. It
had been beautiful weather, but one
of those wind storms hit town with
the show and brought a fine rain right
off the ocean. Every one under the
tent was shivering, performers and
spectators alike.
One of the features in the side
show was a wild man. He was wild,
too. Most of his wearing apparel
consisted of a pair of horns and a
big tusk. There were a few goat
skins tastefully draped about his
form in convenient localities. These
served the double purpose of making
him appear more wild and also made
the authorities powerless to find fault
with his style of architecture. But
he was cold. His legs hod “« oose
flesh” on them and his teeth rattled
like a salvation army tambourine.
■'Hist,” said the wild man as I got
near him, “ain’t you from Atlanta?”
Proud of my citizenship, I was will
ing to admit even to a wild man that
I was from Atlanta.
“So am I.’* he said. Then between
shivers he told me who he was. I
knew* him well. He was broke and
had taken the wild man job to keep
from starving, but he had not antici
pated that mix-up of the weather.
1 gave him a litle lift and to-day he
does not have to worry about money
matters. He is—but never mind who
he is.
• • •
XVlth fingers stiffened by the cold
wind six negroes were at work on a
lot on North Forsyth Street where a
brick building had been tom down
to make room for the march of prog
ress (that march of progress was orig
inated by the man who invented
feeling runs high in the community."
“bad blood had existed between them
for some time,' and "both were of
prominent family," but it sounds good
in a growing city, so it is thrown in
without extra charge.) The men had
had a ten-days job before them when
LoA Castro, insurgent, second cousin
to deposed president and the only
man who ever acted as referee at
a prize fight and whipped both men
at the same time, came along. Lou
has a fine military bearing and a com
manding tone. He stopped. looked
at the men and then said:
"Now, you fellows must get those
bricks off this lot by 3 o'clock to-day
or something is going to happen.”
"We can’t work that fast, boss,”
said the leader of the gang who was
disgusted with the cold. "Guess we
might as well quit!” And they did.
...
Loungers around the Union Depot
were startled one Sabbath morning
about 2 o’clock to see a young man
quietly walk into the restaurant clad
in a suit of dark blue underwear,
socks, shoes, hat and a short over
coat. His outer clothing was not
there. The gentle zephyrs were com
ing from Greenland's icy mountains
and were not a bit backward about it.
The young man walked over to the
lunch counter and asked for a slice
of apple pie and a cup of coffee.
Dainty pink garters held his socks in
place. As he carved his pie and
sipped his coffee one of the waiters
went for an officer. He told the police
man a crazy man was in the place.
The officer came in with one hand on
a gun and the other clasping a club.
He stole quietly up to the man with
the missing raiment.
"Come wtth me,” he commanded.
"And for what?” asked the young
man as he strained an apple core
through his teeth.
"Why for being out on the streets
in this sort of dress,” replied the of
ficer.
“I have simply “been to a mas
querade ball," answered the other
quietly, taking a sip of coffee.
"But.” argued the officer, “this is
Sunday. You couldn't go to a ball
on Sunday night in this*'town."
Did that worry the young man.
Well, not for a minute. “Officer, ’
said he, as a pained look came into
his eyes. “I am a Seventh-Day Ad
ventist and according to my religion
this is Monday."
Then he soaked a fork into more
pie. The policeman took a green
pepper stuffed with lobster oft the
counter and was lost to view in the
night.
* * *
Speaking of green peppers and the
Union Depot reminds me of two re
porters who walked up to the window
of the depot restaurant one day just
as a clerk in the place was putting
a dish of nice deviled crabs on a
counter. The dish was near a win
dow and the odor of the crab meat
was good to the nose.
"Just a minute,” said one of the re
porters to the man in the restaurant.
“Pass that dish over here.” He
reached in the window as he spoke.
The dish was passed. The reporter
took four of the crabs and wrapped
them in a paper.
“Put that dish under the counter
and wait until I get back," was the
next command.
"Who are you?" asked the restau
rant man.
“A health inspector," snapped back
the reporter, “and I condemn every
one of these things.”
Then the reporters walked up the
street seating two as devilish crabs
as ever came out of an oven.
+ * *
But speaking of reporters, the boys
of the present day have a soft time
compared to the days when there was
no steam heat In newspaper offees,
few pay days and many tribulations.
I remember one paper that was some
what ahead of Its generation because
it boasted a gas stove In the local
room. But the stove only worked
when a slot meter was supplied with
a sufficient amount of coin in the
shape of silver quarters. When the
silver got low the gas gave out. A
blizzard struck town. Everythin*
froze, even the twenty-year old rve
in the editor’s flask. Then the flame
in the gas stove paled, flickered and
went out. The title of cashier on that
paper was an empty honor. There
was no chance of help from that di
rection, so the reporters took up a
collection. Four nickels and five pen
nies were the result of financial con
servation. The office boy was called
and told to start the fire. He did his
work well. With the usual office boy
stubbornness he put the nickels and
the pennies in the meter slot, one at
a time. He did not complete his
course in journalism.