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HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICA!^, ATLANTA, GA.. SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 19i:S.
Jeff Wishes He Were
Czar
9
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By “Bud” Fisher
Copyright, 1913, by The Star Company. Great Brit ain Kightfc Reserved.
CoNt vr x
X WA* T«e CZA* OP
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Have you ever thought of the
weight of a smile,
How far it will travel, how long
It will last at time is waning the
while,—
That it never is lost? In a song
On the lips of the one who re>
ceived it, no doubt,
That smile.will send other smiles
cheerily out,
As the years come and go will that
smile brighter grow.
Smile, smile, smile!
Have you ever known a bright,
smiling face,
Where the smile was sincere and
true,
That did not attract you in won
drous grace.
Or was ever unwelcome to you?
Had you ever thought when you
start on a day
Vou probably will meet some one
on the way
Who is burdened with care you
can help lighten there,
If you smile?
It matters not if your own
lonely heart
burdened with cares un
known;
Smile! The bright light reflected
from rays you impart
Will help to make brighter your
own;
Smile, e’en though it may some
times be through your
tears—
A smile, or a frown, will live on
through the years,—
Smile, smile, smile!
—Evangel Ryerson Harrel
Spring Iss Here!
Gus Williams, Vaudeville’s Popular Ger
man Comedian, Gets Funny Over It.
m or tli» UterOtIII, diwt Rw.rr.rt
V EUU Spring has sprung out ot der clouds nnd In
a Uddle while It will be Summer. Dot's me. I
am never so happy as when It le Summer time.
I peck my gr-r-tiv und right away 1 go mlt der sea
shores.
last Summer I want down to Atlantic City. It
was my first trip to dot place. 1 halt been in der
habit of going to I>ong Branches each Summer for
der last ten years on a pass.
I am well acquainted In Long Branches. Every
body knows me—oven der mosquitoes. Dey call me
by my first name und everything. Inst Summer,
when I went down to der depot to take der train for
home, 4,000,000,500 mosqultoee were on hand, und dey
all "bit" me good-by.
Der spokesman of dls swarm sat right on my ear
nnd snlrt, "Qua. dls parting Ise so'sad, yet oh, so
sweet!” By golly, day vos like my relations dot
Summer. They chust lived off of me.
Not wishing to be bled any longer, I decided to
make a Jump to Atlantic City. 1 was Into der fire
from der pan out right away! I didn't want to go
to dsr seashores, but der doctor said I must, dot I
was getting too fat and dot der fat round my heart
was Interfering mlt der action of my feet. He said
dot a week or two la Atlantic City would reduce me.
Right away he reduced me to der tune of $51
Dot doctor was der first ona dot diagnosed der simp-
tons oorrectly. He was right when he said dot At
lantic City would reduce me. I went dare mlt a roll
dot would trip up aa elephant, und when I come beck
I had Just SO cents left Und I wouldn’t have had
dot but It slipped down Into my shoe from a little
hole In der pent* pockets.
Besides der 30 cents I had a hotel towel dot
looked like a specimens of Mexican drawn work.
When I was a kid my Didder used to read from der
book out about der wonderful pirates of dsr Spanish
Main. All doae fellers hays given np dsr sen life.
Now dey are running hotels at Atlantic City. Dey
haven't changed a hit
Der night I got dere I was so sick 1 could hardly
walk to my room. So two of der colored waiters
"held me up .” When I got to der second floor 1 wae
•o tired 1 sat down. I thought I’d take my time. I
told der two waiters dot, but I guest day misunder
stood. for dey took It themselves. I was oud both
ttme nnd money.
Dey didn't take all I had, though. They left me
1500. I couldn’t anderstand how dey left me mlt
auoh a roll, but It seems dot It Is one of der special
rules of der proprietors dot der hired assess!us leave
dsr stamp money enough to pay a* leaet a week’s
boaed. se dot they can get thetr cut.
I need to stroll along der beach every morning
uad vetch dsr ladles bathing la der ocean. Und
before 1 forget ft, I want to aey right now, dot If I
had soon my wife la a bathing suit before I proposed
marriage to her dot she would still be besting a poor
nttts typewriter for a Mag.
Bed about der ladles in der water. I don't mean
today do* I wae rode enough la staad and atom at
dor ladles In der water. Oh, no! But
I had a fine pair of field glasses mlt
met
Von thing I missed ven I vas there.
Der sea serpent! But I had been on
der water wagon for three months.
I saw a lot of sharks In der water
though- taxicab drivers from Broad
way street. New York!
Of course, for der poor man its
good enough to go by Coney Island
In der Bummer. If you want to meet
a nice crowd of quiet people, chUBt.
take von of dose Coney Island boats
on a Sunday und go by der place.
Dey are like a band of Indians go
ing to a scalping bee. Everybody
sings songs mlt a different voice,
mltout knowing der tune. Dey will
argne mlt you about anything If
you happen to doze off mlt der
sleep, a oouple of dose peeples will sneak up behind
you und put a hot clam shells down your back. Such
a nice, qubet set.
Der first time I went down to Coney Island I took
my first wife. Seldom haf l seen a bigger woman
den my first wife. Eggstremely stoudt! She said:
“Let’s go in swimming, Gus.” Und I went. Vot a
chump! ltight away der tide rose up seventeen feet,
und washed away der bathing pavilion und der frank
furter stands.
She said. "Gus, float me.” 1 tried It und nearly
drowned.
Und how dot woman could dance! Chust like a
fairy—dot is, a fairy of her size. Und vot an appe
tite! Once to see her e£t was a sight. She could
eat a watermelon like a pill.
Ven I vent to get der wedding ring I took a piece
ot string to der Jeweler for der measure. “I want
It to fit well,” I said.
He said, "Oh, prunes! If dot’s der case, bring
der keg down here und let me fit It on!’’
“Good Morning, Ship!”~By lewis allen
CoprUfht. ISIS, br th. 8t«r Cunpuj. Orrat Britain Rlftita Bmral
Washington, April 16.—The General Board of the
American Navy to-day laaued orders to drop the use
of the words “port" and “atarboard” and use here
after the words “right” and “left.” The order ha*
caused consternation among moat of the old salts.—
Newt Item.
HOW IT WORKS.
T was a balmy evening.
The good old battleship Callcsourl was
ploughing (ploughing being a land term Is quite
permissible) her way across the broad expanse of
waters, when Jenks, the look-out—excuse us, the
night watchman—sighted a ship off his starboard—
off the right side of the front end of the Calissourl.
“Ship ahoy!" shouted Jenks to the night officer
on fixed post on the brl on the upper front porch.
“Jenks, you antediluvian old Bea-dog, I shall send
you belo—downstairs and put you In the callaboose
If you cannot remember to report properly!” the
night officer on fixed post reprimanded him.
I
“Bu , sir, I see a ship approaciiin'
off our stabberd bowB an' ’’
"What’s that?” yelled the O. on
F. P.
“I—I see a ship on our right, up
forwar—up front, sir, an’ seem’ a
ship 1 didn’t know no other way, sir,
io report It.”
"Let me explain again,” said the
O. on F. P., patiently, “that the now
obsolete phrase ‘Ship ahoy!’ was
formerly a nautical form of greeting
another ship. Now you must say
,ood morning ship!’”
"But It isn’t mornln’, sir.”
"Always use the phrase ‘Good
morning, ship!’ It saves trouble,
whether It Is night, noon or morn
ing,” Jenlt's superior officer com-
manded him.
ive! sir.”
THE DIVIDED GARDEN-By U. Green Fields
u
r
to her
because
< opyrt^it. 11)11, by th* Star Oonvptnjr
Or*at PM tain Right* If«Mrt*fl
F you think, John Cholmoldy, that 1 am
going out with you looking like that,
you’ve got another—I mean, you are mis
taken. ”
Aa Mra. Cholmoldy bad explained
friends: “I am toying to chop slang,
tb» -e’s nothing to it.”
"Looking like whatT” Innocently asked her
husband.
“Looking Hko something they couldn’t sell at
a rummage sale,” answered hit wife, gazing at
bla tattered clothes.
This is all right for where I am going,” ho
told her.
"Then you are going to a hobo* 1 convention—”
”1 am going out to my garden,” proudly re
plied John Cholmoldy.
"YOUR garden T Since when did you have a
garden?"
"I have no garden but ere night falls I will
have one,” ha boasted, and started for the
kitchen doer.
"Garden! If yon knew anything about a gar
den. If yon knew a cabbage from an orchid. It
would be different. Why waste all yonr time
planting seeds for the birds and bngs, when you
might be taking me out In the car these fine
BaturdaysT
“Oh, you can ge ont, but I think It every man's
duty to get close to natnre, and for the sub-,
urbsalts a garden la the easleat way "
“Bat If you knew anything about a garden,
lohn. You and yonr fathor and lather*’ father
and so on, if there were any ‘so ons,’ were
brought up In Ola city. Why, the only ancestor
pea ever had wbs was a gardener was Adam,
nnd he was so punk that he was driven out.
I could make a better garden with an old iron
spoon and a coal hod of dirt than you could
with an acre of virgin soil ”
Right here John Cholmoldy laughed. He may
have been an experienced gardener, but be was
not an experienced husband, else he would never
have laughed at his wife.
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do, Molly. TO divide
that plot out In the back yard; let you take
he
Her
are,
I
vour choice of either half, and If I don’t raise
two vegetables to your one thla Summer I’ll
-I’ll”—
“You'll get me that big limousine for next
Winter that I wanted so much. Gome on now,
be a sport. You are so sura of yourself here's
a chance for you to squeal out of getting me
the car."
“It’s a go,” said her husband, and together
they divided the plot.
“Take your choice; which side is It?’
asked, after the ground had been spaded.
Mrs. Cholmoldy picked the lower side,
husband laughed.
“That shows what a bum fanner you
Molly. I hoped you'd take the lower half,
get more aun In my half.”
“Yes, and I get the drainage,” laughed bis
wife. "My half will be moist, while your half
Is drying up along In July for lack of water.”
But her husband only laughed, as he fenced
the plot off, putlng up a nice fence between
the plots. Then they went to planting In
earnest
At the end of two weeks the gardens were
neck and neck. The vegetable* were sprouting
nicely. Then Mra. Cholmoldy began working
In earnest every spare minute.
“Look here, Moll, I know I've no eall to
help you but you’ll ruin your garden. Just
fussing around It so much. Nature provide#
all that Just keep the biggest weeds out and
that's all there la to it You’ll keep the stuff
so agitated that It will never grow.”
Mra Cholmoldy merely laughed.
It wasn’t so long after that when ehe served
a nice lettuoe salad. The leaves were small, to
be sure, hut tender and crisp. There were also
some tiny radishes.
"Moll, don’t ever bay such tittle rsdlshee,”
said her husband; they're cheating you.’
”1 didn’t bay (hot I raised them. And I
am keeping count of every vegetable, too. I
polled twsnty-foar radishes and picked eighteen
lettuoe lasses Whet's your score?”
“Oh —**» l—TO supply (hem tomorrow," he
said, and he hurried out to his garden after
dinner. He came back rather dazed. His
lettuce was small and withered. Most of it had
fallen flat. His radishes were al9o unable to
hold up their heads or leaves.
“But my beans are taller than yours,” he
exclaimed.
When It came time for peas Mrs. Cholmoldy
was right there with a nice mess of them.
John’s were also ripe, but the trouble was only
about one vine In every eight wae living. The
others had fallen down and broken off, or some
thing like that.
His cucumbers also toppled over and died
about the time the fourth leaf was sprouting.
It must be said that Mra Oholmoldy’g cu
cumbers were splendid; also her beans and to
matoes. And so It went right through the sea
son.
Her score was about on* hundred to ona
That la, for one cucumber he raised, she raised
a hundred, and so on In the same proportion
with everything.
“I’ll give In Moll,” he said at the end of the
season. “You get the limousine, but for heav
en’s sake tell me what did you put on them
to make them grow, and what did you use to
kill the worms? I tried everything.”
"Nothing; I Just dug around and caught the
bugs and worms.”
“But I thought you were so soft-hearted you
never had the nerve to kill even a beetle or
cut-worm?”
“Oh, I couldn’t I Juet picked them up In an
old Iron spoon.” ,
“Well, and then what?" asked her husband.
“Why I had to get rid of them, so I tossed
there all e«f Into your garden, every dayl"
’’Stoppit! Stopplt!” yelled the officer on fixed
post; “when you reply you must drop thst old-
fashioned form and say ’yes, sir.’ ”
“Aye—a—yes, sir. Good morning, ship!"
“That’s better. Where away—whereaboutsT“
"Two points of our—on the right, lookin’ up tha
front end of this here ship, sir!” replied Jenks, and
as the officer nodded hts approval poor Jenks khook
his grizzled head and wiped away a briny tear with
the back of his hand. ,
The commander of the Calissourl was stooping
comfortably in his bed room on the third floor. The
sailors were sleeping In the basement In their ham
mocks up In the front end of tha ship, and the pilot
was turning the steering wheel In the little cupola
that overlooked the front piazza.
The officer took his field glasses and looked at
the approaching ship. At the same time one of th*
sergeants or inspectors or lesBer officers was looking
out of his window at the boat. Suddenly he hastened
out Into the dining room, and from there upstairs to
the first veranda, and from there he went up several
more flights of stairs until he was on tha roof of
the ship.
“What do you make her—-that Is, have yon any
Idea what her home port—home town—la, and where
she’s bound—going to?” queried the officer.
“No, sir,” replied Jenks, “but she seems to be
makln’ about seventeen knots—about twenty-three
miles, and she’s makin'—headed directly across our
bows”
“Our what?" asked the officer.
“Beg pardon, sir, I forgot; she seems to be trav-
elln’ directly across the front end of us. Better
stabberd our helium at once, sir; she’s almost acrost
our bows now”
“Jenks, go below. How dare you use such nautical
language aboard an American battleship? Mind the
stairs as you go down; go directly into your bed
room, and”
Whatever else the Justly angered officer was shout
to say was lost in a terriflo crash!
The great ships had collided, head on. Already
the battleship was listing—tipping to port—to the
left, and settling forward—In her front end. The
other ship backed away, apparently unharmed, and
began to lower boats for the rescue of the crew—
that is, the hands, bosses and all, aboard the doomed
Calissourl.
The commander, purple with rage, faced the cap
tain of the other ship.
“Couldn’t you see our—our right and left UghtelT
he asked of the captain.
“Yes, sir, I saw them plainly, port and starboard,
Look yourself, quickly, before she einkat”
The commander of the Ill-fated battleship OaXto
sourf looked. On the left, or port, side was a green
light. On the starboard, or right, side was a red light.
“You see, I thought you were going from as to*
stead of toward us; naturally”
But the commander of the battleship welted to have
no more. With a groan he staggered away. It wee
all clear to him; Jenks had mixed the lights fog
JENKS WAS LEFT-HANDED 1
TALES OF WIND AND WEATHER---By Walter Taylor
“p 1
* AIR an? warm," said the
weather man.
“Cold and rain," said Jack
Prince. Prince won.
For seventeen years Jack Princo,
bicycle rider, track builder and globe
trotter, has been bringing oold weath
er and rain to Atlanta. He brought
the cold snap that struck town re
cently. It was his advanoe agent.
Next day Prtae* breemd In. You
know what happened. Hs thought
It was a Joke. Laughed until the
rears ran down the wrinkle* around
hi* eyee and made his face look like
a map o' ip Ohio flood dlatrlct
"I kn he roared to a vole*
fSe< soi.!. like the balk of a lion
prodded with a hot pltoh-fork. “I
know It and the wife knew It. She
said to me, she did, YJo ahead, you
skalawsg. Go on doom to Dixie and
creak up the weather, kill all the fruit
and bust np the whole show.’ Goah,
dang It here I am and there’s your
rain."
• • •
But Atlanta Is not the only place
where Prince has brought rain. Once
he went to Nashville and built a
cycle track. He had a grand Idea that
vjs to save him a lot of money. In
stead of covering the track with a
roof he had a canvas top made. It
worked fin* until the night for the
opening race Then a storm camo
up. The rale beat down, the light
ning flashed and the thunder rolled.
When the rain fell the vrtnd rose.
Suddenly that cloth top went up like
a balloon. With it went half of the
track and It took three week* to pick
th* splinter* out of Prince. He got
out of town early the next morning.
• • •
These sudden drops in spring tem
perature catch a fellow sometimes and
swat him when he’s down. Year* sgo
when the old Kimball House was the
center of Atlanta's civilisation a glo
rious spring suddenly blossomed out
and sent the straw hat and honey
suckle market up about ten points
The Kimball billiard room was crowd
ed one morning when Charley Pem
berton, one of th* beat players 1n
town, walked In, He wore a new
straw hat, a pair of low shoes, open
work socks and a white linen suit.
He fairly bubbled with the joys of
summer. Five minutes later he was
busy at a billiard table. Half an
hour later a chill came through an
cpff> window. An hour later a gale
was booming In from the West. That
linen suit looked like a dash of snow-
on an iceberg. A tall man w-earing
an overcoat walked slowly up to the
table.
"Say Charley,” he drawled, “give
me one of those June apples you’ve
got In your pocket." The billiard
game broke up In a boxing match.
• • •
Ever been to San Francisco? Well,
when the wind comes up through that
t own It seems like it will blow the
sidewalks off. And If you are not
accustomed to it the marrow in your
bones takes a tumble. I was out
there once and went to a circus. It
had been beautiful weather, but one
of those wind storms hit town with
the ahow and brought a fine rain right
off the ocean. Every one under the
tent was shivering, performers and
spectators alike.
One of the features in the side
show was a wild man. He was wild,
too. Most of Ills wearing apparel
consisted of a pair of horns and a
big tusk. There were a few goat
skins tastefully draped about his
form in convenient localities. These
served the double purpose of making
him appear more wild and «>so made
the authorities powerless to find fault
with his style of architecture. But
he was cold. His legs had “goose
flesh" on them and his teeth rattled
l^ce a salvation army tambourine.
"Hist,” said the wild man as I got
near him, "ain't yoa from Atlanta?”
Proud of my citizenship, I was will,
ing to admit even to a wild man that
I was from Atlanta.
“So am I," he said. Then between
shivers he told me who he was. I
knew him well. He was broke and
had taken the wild man Job to keep
from strrvlng. but he had not antici
pated that mix-up of the weather.
I gave him a lltle lift and to-day he
does not have to worry about money
matters. He is—but never mind who
he is.
* • •
With fingers stiffened by the cold
w-ind six negroes were at work, on a
lot on North Forsyth Street where a
brick building had been torn down
to make room for the march of prog
ress (that march of progress was orig
inated by the man who invented
feeling runs high in the community,”
"bod blood had existed between them
for some tim and “both were of
im^
prominent family." but It 60und* good
1n a growing city, so it is thrown in
without extra charge.) The men had
had a ten-days Job before them when
Lou Castro, Insurgent, second cousin
to deposed president and the only
man who ever acted as referee at
a prize fight and whipped both men
at the same time, came along. Lou
has a fine military bearing and a com
manding tone. He stopped, looked
at the men and then said:
“Now, you fellows must get those
bricks off this lot by 3 o’clock to-day
or something is going to happen."
"We can’t work that fast, boss,”
said the leader of the gang who was
disgusted with the cold. "Guess we
might as well quit!” And they did.
* * •
Letnigers around the Union Depot
were startled one Sabbath morning
about 2 o’clock to see a young man
quietly walk into the restaurant clad
in a suit of dark blue underwear,
socks, shoes, hat and a short over
coat. His outer clothing was not
there. The gentle zephyrs were com
ing from Greenland's icy mountains
and were not a bit backward about it.
The young man w alked over to the
lunoh counter and asked for a slice
of apple pie and a cup of coffee.
Dainty pink garters held his socks In
place. As he carved his pie and
sipped his coffee one of the waiters
went for an officer. He told the police
man a crazy man was in the place.
The officer came in with one hand on
a gun and the other clasping a club.
He stole quietly up to the man with
the missing raiment.
“Come with me,” he commanded.
“And for what?" asked the young
man as he strained an apple core
through his teeth.
“Why for being out on the streets
in this sort of dress,” replied the of
fice*.
“I have simply been to a mas
querade ball,” answered the other
quietly, taking a sip of coffee.
"But," argued the officer, "this is
Sunday. You couldn’t go to a ball
on Sunday night In this town."
Did that worry the young man.
Well, not for a minute. ‘'Officer,"
said he, as a pained look came into
his eyes. "I am a Seventh-Day Ad
ventist and according to my religion
this is Monday.”
Then he soaked a fork Jnto more
pie. The policeman took a green
pepper stuffed with lobster off the
counter and was lost to view in the
night.
• • •
Speaking of green peppers and the
Union Depot reminds me of two re
porters who walked up to the window
of the depot restaurant one day Just
as a clerk In the place was putting
a dish of nice deviled crabs on a
counter. The dish was near a win
dow and the odor of the crab meat
was good to the nose.
“Just a minute,” said one of the re
porters to-the man in the restaurant.
"Pass that dish over here.” He
reached in the window as he spoke.
The dish was passed. The reporter
took four of the crabs and wrapped
them In a paper.
“Put that dish under the counter
and wait until I get back,” was the
next command.
"Who are you?” asked the restau
rant man.
"A health inspector,” snapped back
the reporter, “and I condemn every
one of these things.”
Then the reporters walked up the
Atlanta’s
City Clerk,
street seating two as devilish cra.'b*
as ever came out of an oven.
• 4 *
But speaking of reporters, the boys
of the present day have a soft time
compared to the days when there was
no steam heat in newspaper offoes.
few pay days and many tribulations.
I remember one paper that was some
what ahead of Its generation because
It boasted a gas stove In the local
room. But the stove only worked
when a slot meter was supplied with
a sufficient amount of coin In the
shape of silver quarters. When the
silver got low the-gas gave out. A
blizzard struck town. Everythin*
froze, even the twenty-year old rye
in the editor’s flask. Then the flame
in the gas stove paled, flickered and
went out. The title of cashier on that
paper was an empty honor- There
was no chance of help from that di
rection, so the reporters took up a
collection. Four nickels and five pen- .
nies were the result of financial con
servation. The office boy was called
and told to start the fire. He did his
work well. With the usual office boy
stubbornness he put the nickels and
the pennies in the meter slot, one at
a time. He did not complete hi*
course is Journalism,
if, i