Newspaper Page Text
II KARST'S SUNDAY \MERl(\\v.
ATI VXTA CIA.. KrviiAY. MAY 4.
3 CL
1^1 FftOM THE JOLLY SUM BEAM CO.
Sa^ Told me To Come in hepe and <fET
a COAT AT WHOLESALE PRICE
lN\ FROM the Jolly SUN BEAM CQ
SAM Told ME I COULD Q-ET A I
^COAT AT WHOLESALE PRICE J
XM FROM THE Jolly sunbeam co.
SAM SAYS I SHOULD QET A COAT HERE
x AT WHOLE SALE PRICE J
IM From the Jolly sunbeam co,
5AM Told ME I could qET A
COAT AT WHOLE SALE PRICE
- - r—r':, NOTHIHQ
^HOl_Y SMOKErx
ALL RIQHT qo OUT
SIDE AND PICKOHE
. OUT ^
Boy; DONT LET ANY
More of those
Women in HERE
To day: j
fLiqoTo Hi5 Home,
I'M qoiNqioFlNDouT
WHArTWS AAEAN5 ,
KNOPF & CO
I HAVE A w
LETTER FROM 5AM.
r Sorry
lady, Sam
Save-all
the coats
AWAY J
« - *. v
— ■ ■•
WHERE
IS SAW?
TE-EAS.
BUT HE'S
ASLEEP
THIS Must bethe
PLACE 5AM SAID
IT WAS No, 643
.w!iivL
'Mot Necessarily’
Oil* of the Songs jn "PANAMAN1A," the Annual
Show of the Harvard Has.y Pudding Club.
' "iJjnshi. .vl:;, by tb. Star Oonayany. ‘.rear Britain Rights liwertah.
▼ 5E the victim of an aigument.
And ev’ry time I try
1 o prove my theory to somebody
I get live lingers in the eye.
I was sweepin’ here the other day,
When a gemman come by me,
I swop him wif a broom like this.
And he turned round angrily.
1 hat fellow got real mad at me.
Punch d rne in the beak!
Then I just did chastise that man.
The dog-gone little sneak.
Should I have stood right up to him
And turned the other cheek?
Not necessarily.
I was in a tight place jes' las' week.
But really 'twan’t ma fault;
You can’t considah me respons’ble
Cause I’d lapped up so much malt.
I was standin’ outside the boozery
When I had had ma fill—
An’ a sporty dame walked by an’ droppid
A twenty dollah bill.
I put ma foot down on that bill
As quickly as I might.
I couldn’t hardly wait to see
That gal get out of sight.
Now, should I have followed her t« do
The thing you all think right?
Not necessarily.
Ma wife, she is s deep brunefe,
(jes bear that fact in mind.
Because 'twill be important in
The verdict you must find);
1 went to see a little gal,
With a lightr shade of hair.
And when wife found one on ma coat,
She had me then fo’ fair.
She asked me point blank to explain .
fes’ where I'd been that night.
I hemrceo an hawed an’ hemmed again.
But kep ma mouth shut tight.
Now. "hould I ?iy fellin’ her have risked
Ma chance to hc.-.llh an' sight?
Not -!icccs;,.iiiy.
"--*4
Sam
Then Someone Prayed.
A number of clergymen were dis
cussing the character of a venerable
woman whom they esteemed to be
wise in her generation, but a young
man who was present said it struck
him that she showed great lack of
wisdom in one respect.
“What is that, pray?” inquired an
elderly gentleman.
Why,” said thq young man, “she
always puts out her tubs to catch
soft water when it is raining hard. '
And sllencs fell upon the assem
bly.
No Chance to Win.
‘I couldn't get out of marrying
tier," Heupeck explained. 'rtVhen
she proposed she said. Will you
marry me? Have you any objec
tion'." You see. no .matter whether
I said 'Yes* or ‘No.’ she had me."
"Why didn’t you Just keep silent,
then?" inquired his friend.
‘.'That's what t did, and alie said,
'Silence gives consent,' and that
ended It."
JUST FOR FUN
outright, 1913, by tin star Onpuy.
REMINISCENT PARROT.
A GENTLE and pious otd tailor
Bought a parrot once owned by a sailor.
When the dominie called
He was really appalled,
And the tailor grew paler and paler.
WITH 8ITTING.
rpEACHER— John, give mo a sentence containing’
the word “notwithstanding."
John—“The man's trousers were worn out, not with
standing.”
OH, MERSEYI
rpHERE was once a young fellow named Kersey,
Who went for a walk in New Jersey,
But he never returned,
And they afterward learned
That mosquitoes like meat in New Jersey.
ODE
BY A CONFESSED PESSIMIST
S OME folks have cattle on a hundred hills,
And some folks don’t.
Some folks start fires with hundred dollar bills,
And some folks don’t.
Prosperitee its’s plain to see is very much on hand—i.e.
Some folks have all they want—but ME—
I don’t.
SHORT STORY WITH HAPPY ENDING.
M ISER JONES climbed into bed
"To-morrow,” he chuckled, "I’ll turn Wldder
Smith out of her cottage, and serve eviction papers
on Henry Johnson, and hev that Ransom boy sent to
the Reformatory for stealing my apples, and git Law
yer Htoks to draw up a will cutting off my daughter
with ten cents and leaving the rest of the money to
the Society for Killing Stray Cats. Ever since I took
to that mushroom diet I been saving an awful lot
on my eating expenses, though, of course, I suppose
1 don’t gather al! they is on the place. But I wouldn't
throw away my money buying a mushroom book.
Them mushrooms 1 et to-night tasted awful funny,
but I guess if 1 Just go to sleep I'll be feeling all
right to-morrow.” ,
HENRIETTA’S OFFENSE.
A TIFE1N, OHIO, man once discovered in ambush a
sad-faced little girl with a fistful of mud. She
was standing in a sheltered corner of a grocery
store and was from to time peering sround down the
street.
Ipj are *ou »tUu, tor, little girt." asked the
inau.
Unit Britain Right* Rr—rtr-1
"Henrietta.”
“What'a Henrietta done?" asked the man. with a
significant glance at the mud in the child's hand.
"Nothin’. Don’t you know sha'e Queen of the
May?”
NOSE BETTER NOW.
A N amateur dramatic club put on the play of
“Caste.” In the laat act old man Eoklca is sup
posed to be a hopeless drunkard, with a big red nose.
This chap, not having a papier-mache nose, built one
up of cotton and Bplrit gum. Spirit gum is made of
ether. When old Eckles went to light his pipe he
also lighted his nose.
“Oh. doctor!"
AT BAY—OVER THE BAY.
XJE wae returning from an evening at the Authors’
and Actors' Club. The hour was late and. poa-
sibly because of weariness, his legs seemed some
what unsteady
With difficulty he made hts way Inside and had
Just succeeded tn crowding his hat undeT the sofa
and hanging his shoes upon the halltree, when a
voice from above called, "Arthur!"
"Yesh, m’dear!"
"Are you not ashamed to come home In thla con
dition?”
"Whish condishon?”
"You know well enough. You are Intoxicated.”
"Thatsh a libel, woman. Never mors sober-ber-ber
In m' life."
"Arthur, say ‘chrysanthemum."'
(Prolonged pause.)
"M’dear—Pm drunk."
NO USE FOR QUININE.
TTOWSO—What are you doing for your cold?
Soso—Taking the open-air treatment. Breathing
lots of oxrgen during the day.
Howso—What do you breathe at night?
8o»o- Nigh trogen
THESE FUNNY WORLDS.
T HIS is an aggravating work],
’Tli neither sound nor nioa;
It’s either hot as—hot can be—
Or else it’s cold as ice.
And should we try another one,
No more in peace we’d dwell;
'T would either be as cold as ice.
Or else as hot as—hot can be.
COUNT8 HIM OUT.
A NY rather knows that lt’a th« lit He ^ungs
count.
that)
I l Don't know"'
BoSS. HE DoE5NT
answer, his
telephone
V ^—J
A blow fly never allows any other social insect to approach
him without telling him what a great man he (the blow
fly) is, how wealthy he is, how smart ne is, what a gay dog
he is, how smart hts children are. how handsome his stenog
rapher Is, or something like that But a full-fledged blow
fly never praises his Wife or gives her any credit—he buzzes
only” concerning himself.
Sometirr/es these pests may be exterminated wl’h a magic
sentence, guch a s. "Well, pay me ’tint $30 you have owed
for three years." or. "Y s. I .saw you sweeping out the t
office as I stepped In to police* ’ha' $1".'”'0 our boss owes
me." ,pl\ “Etrfoffe' You were never out of Cochwco County
until you came here!" i
Drummer-
By T. E. POWERS,
the Famous Cartoonist
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Ouarpany. Greet Britain Rights Reserved.
WILD INSECTS
Copyright. 1913. by the Star OanvpMiy.
By I. M. STUNG, the Eminent Social Entomologist.
The Bottle Fly.
T HE bottle-fly, ladies and gentlemen. Is one of our com
mon insects. It might be classed with the pests. A
full grown bottle fly covers a wide range, but may be
found in larger numbers around cafes, buffets, bar* rooms,
sideboards and slhiilar fields. It belongs to the “Souslum"
family. It Is not an aquatic Insect, water being something
it generally avoids, although in its younger days it some
times takes a little water on the side.
When the bottle fly first appears it has no marks to dis
tinguish it from other social flies, except, perhaps, it clings
to the bottle in infancy in a rather prophetic manner. The
full-fledged bottle fly, however, Is easily distinguished by
means of its bright red proboscis, mottled appearance, er
ratic movements, and irregular habits.
The fully developed bottle fly takes little solid food, but
possesses a chronic thirst and drinks practically everything
containing spirits and malt except, perhaps, perfumes and
gasoline. The perfectly developed and mature bottle fly
may be detected by Its constant aversion to water.
The average bottle fly is received in society for a con
siderable period, but they are ultimately cast oui because
of their unsociable habits and their habit of kicking in win
dows or smashing hats or chucking strange ladies under the
chin.
Some bottle flies, it has been said, are podred back in
the bottle after they die. This la a stage Joke, however.
They seldom have such iuek.
The Lady-Bug.
T HIS insect Is as varied aa the feminine sex can vary, and
that, of course, is the limit of variation.
The genuine lady-bug, so-called because they call them
selves ladies, may be found in large numbers at teak, re
ceptions, parties, tours, bridge parties, etc. In fact, the
lady-bug of this social variety is found almost everywhere
except in her home or with her children.
She is a strictly social Insect, covering a wide range of
countries. She is of the genus called ‘‘Vanium." She is the
most violent in the United States, but more aggressive in
Europe. In England the lady-bugs are fast dying out. The
lady-bug, although attractive, is really a vicious little InBect
without the least mother instinct or a soul for domestic lify.
Long ago, one of our best known poets wrote a moat
touching lyric concerning a lady-bug who was chattering at
a rose tea while her home burned up and her children were
destroyed. She had not become a lady-bug early enough,
which accounts for the children. You will doubtless remem
ber the wonderful and soul-stirring i>oem, nr; friends, as it
begins as follows
"Lady-bug, lady-bug, fly awaj home ■
I HAVE MET
Great Britain llishts Kcwried.
The lady-bug is a great chatterer, saying vain nothings
at teas and receptions, but talking most viciously about ber
acquaintances behind their backs. The lady-bug of ancient
and proud family is not so vicious, and vulgar, and vindic
tive as the lady-bug developed from sudden riches. Lady-
bugs cause envy, jealousies and dissatisfaction in life and
are a menace to our entomological social world.
The Blow Fly.
Y OU all have heard, ladies and gentlemen, of the blow fly.
There are both male and female blow flies, but doubt
less the male species exceed. They are common everywhere.
Frequently they are more than common being plentiful.
They belong to that social insect family, the "Swelled-
headium.”
The blow fly is not really a dangerous social insect; he
is a bit of a pest and quite bothersome. During working
hours he is net so bad, but during social hours he’s the limit, j
One blow fly has been known to innoculate an entire club
room with ennui for an hour. This popular (with himself)
social insect can always be spotted by a loud buzzing sound.
Frequently his buzzing gets to be something like this:
'My-auto-ts-tho-begtzzzzzzz.”
"The-boss-saidT-was-the-smartest-man-in-the-officezzzzzzzz."
"I - can drink-more-and-keep-soberer-than any o her-man-in-
Aiuericazzzzzzzzzz.”
"She-told-everyone-I-was-a-perfeotAdonisz7zzzzzz'"
This buzzing sound varies to almost every shade of topic
known to conversation.
SMILES!
Henry Was Useful.
‘‘Henry,’* said hia father-in-law,
as he called his daughter’s spouse
into the library and locked the door,
“you have lived with roe now for
over two years "
“Yee, father.”
“Tn all that time I haven't asked
you a penny for board.”
“No, sfr*’—wondering^.
"In all your Tlttie family quarrel*
I have always taken your part and
decided in your favor.”
“Always, sir.”
“I have even paid some of veur
bills.”
"A good many, father."
“And in every way helped von to
get along.”
“You have been very kind, air.”
“I have tried to be. ray boy. and I
hope you appreciate it.”
“I do, At."
“Then the small favor I am about
to ask of you will no doubt be
granted?”
“Moat certaLniy. air "
“Thanks. When l want you to
tel! your mother-in-law that these
tickets for the French dance which
she picked up in my room this
morning must have accidentally
fallen out of your pocket, and we’ll
call it square!”
the