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Cherry Valley
Notes
By Old Joe Bigger.
H erb merrill is an bunged
up. Comin home frum Cleve
land he swallered his ticket,
and wouldn't pay ernuther fare.
The conductor punched him all
over, eo b he wouldn't miss the
ticket.
A 15 cent circus wuz In our midst
Saturday. The manager told me
he didn’t, expect tew make a for
tune at that price, but that be
hoped tew git some winter quar
ters.
Dave Hulett hex hed hla otter-
mobyle engine apart for two weeks
lookin for the dead center, what he
sez must be all worn out, for evry
time it gits round to that place the
hull machine stops runnln. The
travelln agent he got her frum
writ him and sed that wuz what's
the matter.
Matilda Musk can't take part in
the barefoot Snfraglst.s t&balew.
She dropt a angel food cake she
baked when she wuz takln It out
of the oven, brulaln it sumthln
awful.
After .Tune, Hepsln Drake will
he able tew take a rest. He’s bin
allfired busy workin his son’s way
through eolege.
Jim Mulk, who her, played evry-
thlng In our sliver cornet band. Is
goin in fer sumthln new to spring
on us. He hez sent tew Noo York
fer a set of shoe horns what he
seen advertised.
Ain’t It pesky annoyln to hev a
fergitful reckerlectlon ? Ylsterdy
when 1 wuz glvln a feller a ride In
my 20 horse power runnerbout he
a st me if 1 hed cranked her afore
we started, and for the life for me
1 couldn’t tell. So I stopt her and
done It
We cain’t hev no meetlns In our
church fer two Sundays. The wife
of Deacon Masters cum upon Rev.
Salters sudden like when he wuz
workin In his garden Jest after he
had put a large piece of flnecut In
his mouth, and when she tried tew
talk tew him he motioned that he
had the mumps.
A feller In the Little Gem Res
taurant foilnd a pearl In a egg. Old
Man Toner hez bln eatln eggs
there three times a day since. He
sez he j>eleeves thats what makes
him want tew set so much.
A Case of Phoney Telepathy—
T ill] scene is the home of the Claykangers
in Atlanta. Mr. Clayhanger is in an
irritable state of mind urn the failure
of a pel financial scheme, which, had it turned
out tin■ wap he expected, would have enabled
him to matte a large payment on a racing ear.
As affairs stand, he can novo make but a small
Bailment. Mrs. Claphanger comes in breezily.
The hour Is one in the afternoon.
M RS. C.—Good afternoon, d'-ar. (Kisses
him lightly.)
MR. C. (Without great joy)—Gafter-
noon.
MRS. C. (Coming at once to the thought in
her mind)—-Joslah, would you mind letting me
have some money? I’m going shopping this
afternoon with Mrs. Kushmore. She Is to call
for me with her machine at two.
MR. C.—My dear Marla, you must think I
have a private minting muclilne downtown! I
gave you thirty dollars no less than three days
ago.
MRS. C. (Quietly)—And 1 bought u mattress
with It to stop your complaints. I need a few
you spend about twice as much us you ought to.
(Mrs. V. sighs a resigned sigh and takes off
Ine hat. Slo has cxpitcd that Josinh would
in ive. her request in just this manner. In
fail, before she left Mrs. Kushmore, she indi
cated to that lady that if she succeeded In
gouging any money from her devoted husband
it would In: over his unconscious form. Further
more, Mrs. <'. knows that Mr. C. contemplates
making a payment on a canny car, which ob
ject she considers ridiculous and unnecessary
to the Clay hanger joy. t-hc knows that at the
precise moment of their conversation Mr. <:. has
fifty or sixty dollars In his pocket and that
this money will In: lavished upon the sinful
racing car unless she prevents it. She comes
out of hue bedroom, sits down at a table and
begins a game of solitaire. Mr. C., overcome s
w ith a feeling of deep guilt, tries to hide be
hind his newspaper.)
MRS. C. (After placing the cards in silence
for ten minutes)- My dear, did you ever stop to
think of the wouderful power of the human
mind ?
MR. C. (Relieved that the subject hits chang-
clothes, and you are badly In need of hosiery,
shirts and underwear. You are getting to be a
positive skinflint, Joslali. You have plenty of
money.
MR. C. (Earnestly and without particular
truth)—Indeed, Maria, I ntn actually hard up.
I’vn never seen money so tight. Can’t you pul
off this shopping expedition until later on? I
don’t need shirts so badly. Tell Mrs. Rushmoro
that you’ve been taken 111. That woman makes
cd from money matters)—No, I can’t say that
I’ve gone into the question.
MRS. C. (Musingly, half to herself)—It Is in
deed wonderful. It is only lately that I have
lieeome convinced of a new mental phenomenon.
Are you aware, Josinh, that thought transfer
ence. or, as It Is sometimes termed, mental
telepathy, Is now a fact among scientists?
MR. C. (Reading)—Uh, huh.
MRS. C. One can convey one’s thought to
another jiersou at a distance without seeing
that person, without forming any connection or
without informing the absent one that a
thought is to be sent. It is ail very miraculous.
MR. C. (Suddenly stopping his reading)—
Marla, don’t be ridiculous. If you telephone a
person, all right. If you send a person a let
ter, all right. If you send a wire, correct. But
If you mean that you can tell a person at a
distance something without doing anything but
merely thinking, then I say that you’ll have to
have your head examined at once.
MRS. C. (Smiling in a superior way)—It Is
only your Ignorance, Jostah, that makes you
speak that way. You also doubted that man
would fly In the air before it was done.
MR. C.—That’s entirely different. Now,
when you—
MRS. C. (Interrupting)—I hold here In my
hand live cards. They are the aee, king, queen,
Jack and ten-spot of diamonds. I suppose that
If you selected one of these cards you think
I could not give the Information of which card
you selected to somebody miles away, without
doing anything but thinking.
-MR. C. (Laughing sardonica ;, y)—Marin,
don’t be silly. This Isn’t the age of witchcraft.
MRS. C.—Nevertheless, I am willing to con
vince you that It can be done.
MR. C.—It canot be done. Absolutely, un
less you send word in an ordinary way, It CAN
NOT be done.
MRS. C.-— Since you are so headstrong, I will
bet you anything you like that It can lie done
and that I can do it.
MR. C. (Thinking of the fifty dollars and of
the necessity of protecting it)—I have fifty dol
lars that I must pay—that I owe a man the
first thing to-morrow, my dear, but I will gladly
bet you fifty that your ridiculous proposition
can not be carried out. (Mrs. C. at once hunts
through her handbag and brings to light eleven
dollars.)
MRS. C. (Mournfully)—I have but eleven
dollars, Joslah, but—
MR. C. (Generously)—What’s the difference?
With sue* a nonsensical thing before us. the
odds will not matter. I would bet a thousand
dollars to eleven, if I had the thousand. I will
bet you fifty dollars—and I owe the fifty to a
man—to your eleven that you can’t tell any
body what card I select.
MRS. C.—Very well, Joslah; the bet Is tulien.
Put up your money on the table.
MR. O. (Slightly uneasy)—Are you going to
do it immediately?
MRS. C.—The sooner, the better.
(Mr. C. regains confidence as he thinks of the
absurdity of the wager and places his roll of
fifty dollars beside Mrs. C.'s eleven. Mrs. 0.
arranges the five cards in her hand.)
MRS. C. (Rubbing her hand across her brow)
—I innst have a short time to concentrate after
1 must thlhk
you have picked yottr card,
deeply.'
(Mr. <’. grins, ill reflects that he will now
be able to pay sixty-one dollars instead of fifty
on the racing car. He selects the ten-spot of
diamonds from his wife's hand.)
MR. C. (Happily) There you arc, wife. The
ten-spot. Now how are you going to inform
somebody else which card I picked. And who
is the someone else?
MRS. C. (Closing her eyes)—I must think.
Do not disturb me.
(Mr. C., being of a deeply suspicious nature,
pulls down the blinds for fear his wife may
signal some one. He sits down and waits. The
certainty of copping off his wife's lone eleven
gives him unholy joy. Wives should not gam
ble when they have such small sums, lining a
sensible man, Mr. C. knows that his wife's at
tempt must result in utter failure. Mrs. C.
suddenly appears to be coming out of her spell
of deep-sea thought.)
MRS. C. (In a hollow voice)—Go to the tele
phone, Joslah. and ask central for Ivy 84262.
Ask for Miss Colt, one or' our Higher Thought
Club members. When she answers, ask her
what card you have just selected from your
wife’s hand and she will tell you. I am now
pouring the thought Into her mind. I am fore
ing her to see you in the act of touching the
ten-spot of diamonds. It is the ten-spot of dia
monds, Miss Colt. (Mrs. C. again closes her
eyes.) Do not mistake, Miss Colt; it is the ten-
spot of diamonds that Mr. Clayhanger has se
lected.
(Mr. G. gives rent to a grant of ridicule.
This is babyish. But eleven dollars are in
volved. Re goes to the telephone, asks central
for Ivy 8^362 and gets it.)
MR. C. (Politely)—I would like to speak to
Miss Colt, please.
SWEET VOICE—This is Miss Colt. Who is
speaking?
MR. C. (Even more politely)—This is Mr.
Jostah Clayhanger, Miss Colt. I do not know
you, but my wife does. I have just made a
rather ridiculous wager with her (laughing)
and I hope you will not take offense, but she
asked me just now to ask you to tell me what
card I have selected, from her hand. Can you
tell me?
SWEET VOICE—Yes. indeed, Mr. Clay-
hanger. You have selected the ten-spot of dia
monds from Mrs. Clayhanger’s hand. Is that
all? Good-by.
(Mr. C. hangs up live receiver with the dumb
motions of a man who has been hit on the head
by a pile-driver. He turns. His wife is already
gathering in the sixty-one dollars. Mr. C. is
unable to articulate.)
MRS. C. (Gravely)—You see. Joslah. one
must not doubt the wonders of modern ad
vance. I know by your face that Miss Colt
ii
wm
■MM
the Phone
answered correctly. I felt that our mental
connection wus unbroken and clear. (Binging
II blithe ditty Mrs. V. goes into her room and
begins to dress. She is absent some time.
After ii while a motor horn honks in the street
below. Urs. C reappears, clad for the street.1
MRS. C. (Ghily)—Good-by, dear. I am going
downtown with Mrs. Rushmore. (She kisses
the bald spot on Mr. C.’s headland leaves tkafi
gentleman in a state of semi-coma. Goes out.
shuts the door.)
MR. C. (Staring at the spot on the table
which had contained the sixty-one beans)—
How in the name
of the murder did
she do it? How
could that female
tell which card 1
picked? I might
have picked the
queen. Maria
could not tell
which card I
would select.
Gosh hang It!
Lemme think.
Lem me think
deep, like Marla.
(Mr. C. pon
ders. He takes a
little drink to stir
up thought. He
lights cigar and
walks about his
rooms, hands be
hind his back, a
frown upon his
pale brow. Now
and then he
reaches into his
pocket where the fifty had erstwhile reposed
and grows sad. Suddenly he stops and bangs
a fist into a palm.)
MR. C.—By Gorry! (He goes to the tele
phone book and looks up Mrs. Rushmore’s tele
phone number. The number is Ivy 84362. Mr.C.
groans. The light begins to flicker in upon his
intelligence.)
MR. C.—Sucker! Boob! I begin to remem
ber that game, now that it is too late. Why,
it’s easy. I’m a yap. Maria fixed it up with
Mrs. Rnshmore. I’m stung. It didn’t make
any difference what card I selected. "Miss
Colt” meant the ten-spot. I suppose if I’d
picked the queen I would have had to ask for
“Miss Murray,” and the jack would have been
“Miss Brown.” Shoot me, someone. Good-by,
racing car; so long.
(Mr. C. puts on his hat. He has thirty-five
cents. He goes out intending to spend it all
in the most riotous and. debauched way pos
sible. In a motor car speeding doumtmon to
the shops Mrs. Rushmore giggles while Mrs.
Clayhanger relates the incidents. They stop
before a very expensive store. They enter.)
“I’m a Waiter**
One of the Song* from “Maid in Germany,”
The Annual Show of the Mask and Wig Club, of the Univer
sity of Pennsylvania.
iVtrrrtltlt. 1»1 J. bj Star Otvnpw.
I
Qrr«t Britain Rights
I ’M a waiter, but I really hate to serve.
A lot of things I’m called upon each day.
And I hate to serve a clam.
Or a histrionic ham.
But at serving dainty chickens I*m “au fait”
Oh, I love to serve a filet, on my soul;
When a pretty little filly comes to eat.
And the filly from old Phill y
Knocks me silly, willy, nilly—
To serve them hand and foot is just a treat.
CHORUS.
I’m a waiter, Fm a waiter, and I’m sore;
I’ve been waiting all my life, unhappy fate.
I have waited bn a table, an d I’ve waited on a door.
And I’ve waited for a train when it was late.
I have waited on a comer, where I’ve waited on a maid.
Yes, I’ve waited till I’m weighted down with woe;
I’m a mighty small potater when it comet to being waiter.
But I’ll wait a little longer, then I’ll go,
II
As a waiter I have served most ev’rything,
l’d be Balkan though, to Servia Turkey Greece.
When a judge mice ordered pie.
Well, I made no tart reply.
But just brought it m and let him keep the piece.
I can serve both a la carte and table d’hote;
And I’ve served for every nation old and new,
German, French, Italian, Spanish,
F.ngiish, Russian, Turkish. D anish;
And I’ve even gone and ser ved the Irish stew.
CHO RUS:
I’m a waiter. I’m a waiter, a nd I note.
That the average waiter waiting is a crime:
I have waited on a suffragette, who’s waiting on a vota.
And we both will have to wait an awful time.
I have waited on a Duchess, but I won’t wait on the Dutch,
Oh, I’ve waited till I’m weighted down with woe;
I’m a public educator. I’m a patient, willing waiter,
Yet l but little longer, then J’ll go.
Frank Mullane, vaudeville, Tells These
i
Opyrttfrt. 1V1S. t-r t»« Sttu OnupMU.
’M a bad guy,” said Cohen to Meyera. "I’m s
tough guy.”
“How’s that, Cohen?" asked Meyers. "How
bad are you?”
"I’m a murderer," said Cohen with a scowl.
“Get out; vot do you mean, Cohen?”
"Veil, I vill tell you, Meyers," began Cohen. "Der
odder night I come home late from vork, und I find
my vife sitting on der front stoop mlt another feller.
Vot do I do but take oud my pistols und shoot the
feller.”
"My goodness; dot tea terrible,’’ said Meyera, In
alarm. "But, Cohen, bad as It Is, It could be worse."
"How could It be worse, Meyers?"
Meyers looked Cohen over carefully and then
said;
"1 will tell you how It could be worse, Cohen—I
was sitting on der stoop de night before.”
C ASEY announced to his good wife. Ellen, that
he was going to the ball game AU day he
was gone. Night came, but no Casey to take
his place at the head of the table. Midnight and no
Casey. One o'clock—2 o'clock—S o’clock—no Casey.
As the 6 o’clock whistles began to blow, Casey
stumbled up the
front stairs into
the house and
awakened friend
wife by hts efforts
to negotiate the
stairs.
She hopped out
of bed and met
her better half
In the hallway.
"WELL?” said
Mrs. Casey, with
determl nation
written on her
Amazon face.
"Sal-rite, Jilin."
said Casey, weak
ly. The game
wuz called on
'count of day
light!”
v h
¥
R OBLITZSKI went into a cafe t* get a drink—a
very unusual thing for Robby to do.
"It’s der humidlddy,” said he as he quaffed
his drink and laid a half dollar on the bar. The bar
tender handed him back a quarter.
J'Ahy iss djg-a fw § drumj gvj
Hist MUa SU*ht» Suiua
a drink any place for a dime!" yelled Roblltxakl.
"It’s the decorations,” said the bartender. “Look
at the beautiful etchings, the matchless paintings,
and the exquisite bits of marble. This, sir, la a very
high-class cafe.’’
Roblilzskl pocketed hla quarter and shuffled out,
grumbling as he went
About a month later he came In with a bandage
tied tightly around hts eyes. He felt his way along
until his fingers touched the bar.
“Glff to me a drink,” he said, quietly, and the
bartender poured It out. Roblitzski gulped It down
and walked out, leaving a dime on the bar.
Just (or Fun
“S
EE dat man ewur dar, Henry?" ,
"Yaa. What ob It?”
"Dat man am a p'emotuh."
“P’omotuh? What you'all call a p'emotuh?"
“Whah. Henry, yo’ mean ’tell me dat you don’t
know de dtfferatlon ob de word ‘p’omotuh’?”
"No—don’t."
"Den Ah’ll tel! yen ’all, Henry. A p’omotuh am a
man who sells something he h&bben’t got to some-
buddy who doesn't want It.”
J AKE got a Job as s painter and was very "happy
to think he had found something to do. After
he had worked faithfully all day the foreman
came to him and said;
"Is your name Jake?"
‘‘Dot la ft my mama,” said Jake, with a deal of
apprehension.
"Well, there’s been a question raised about you
among the men. 8how me your union card."
"What Is it a union card?” asked Jake.
"It’s a card that you’ve got to have before I can
allow ywu to work. It'll cost you fifty dollars.”
Poor Jake came back the next day with his fifty
anff was given hts card.
"Now, before you get up on that scaffold you'll
have to get a union suit
Jake hunted ont a haberdasher's and was set
back to the tune of eighteen dollars for a union suit.
To his great joy. and Incidentally to the mirth of the
crew with him. Jake was allowed to resume work.
That day at noon Jake slipped down on the ropes
and disappeared, and didn’t show back for work
until after three.
"Where In tarnation have you been?" yelled the
boss.
Jake never batted sl eye, but said calmly:
Copyright. 1918. by th© Star Oamipaoj.
The Naked Truth.
W ILLIS—-In the rearing of a boy, the proper
time to chastise him Is when you’ve got
the goods on him.
HUlis—I differ there, old man. The proper time
is when you've got the goods off him.
* * a '
The Accident.
T WO Scotchmen were out one very cold day.
One had no ear-muffs and was rubbing his
ears vigorously.
"Sandy, mon," said the ether, "I wonder you
would na wear yer ear muffs."
“Nay, mon, I have na worn them since the acci
dent."
"The accident?”
"Yes, the squire asked me to have a drink and I
didpa hear him."
* * * ^
Squire Desires Information.
T HERE was a ministerial meeting in an adjoin
ing county and Squire Duncan took advantage
of the excursion rate. No sooner had the train
reached Rockton, than the squire, who was round
Ooose Talk. ? A
short, visited a
barber shop.
“Please re
move your coat.”
suggested the
barber, who had
difficulty In
trimming the
hair which hung
down the pa
tron's neck.
Duncan reluct
antly complied.
“Please re
move your col
lar," directed
the barber, when
shaving became
difficult
The squire did so, hut there was a frown on his
face.
“Now we’ll Just open this shirt button,” said the
barber kindly, as he prepared the lather.
"See here," shouted the squire, sitting erect, “you
ain’t takln' me for one of those long-faced preachers,
tre you?"
* * *
An Incident a 1 the Movies.
E (pressing the hand of the ladv next to him)
—1 am just crazy for them to turn up Lila
Usfets*. fie J gee vo Uj[ focfiib
Society Girl: But, Mama, all the
girl* smoke!
Her Mother: 1 know it, dear; but
it stunt* little girls. Promise mother
you will not smoke until you are
twenty-one.
H
Great Britain Right* KeMr»e<1-
She—You needn’t be—Pm your wife!
* + +
The Missing Name
A MEMBER of the Lambs Club says that one
morning during his engagement with a
Shakespearian actor, he was hurrying into
the theatre for rehearsal, when he observed a man
gazing at a big poster that represented the star In
the character of Henry V.
Just as the player vanished through the door he
heard the man exclaim with a note of disgust;
’’Ain't these actors gettin’ fresh? Henry V. what?"
/ ★ ♦ ★
Practice Makes Perfect
T HE LONG GUY—I understand that you patron
ized a loan shark when you were pressed
for money. Did he assist you In your ex
tremity?
The Short Guy—No. He pulled it.
N * * *
Louis XIV.
A WASHINGTON clubman was olceronlng a
friend from the West through the social
whirl of the National Capital.
"Who,” asked the Westerner, indicating a big,
good-looking fellow at one of the clubs, "Is that dis
tinguished person?"
"That,” replied the Washingtonian In the gravest
of tones, "Is Louis the Fourteenth.”
“Don’t be absurd!” exclaimed the friend. "What
do you mean?”
“Well, his name Is Louis, and he is always invited
when, without him, there would be thirteen at table."
★ * *
Got the Drop.
A CERTAIN stingy son of Erin, upon seeing an
other Irishman just going to drink a glass of
whisky, exclaimed;
"Hould on, Pat, let an ould friend have a drop, the
laste taste in the wurruld."
His friend passed the glass, and the stingy one
emptied it. Pat was naturally annoyed and said;
Bedad, I thought you said you only wanted a
drop?”
e may guess his feelings when he received the
reply:
"The drop I wanted was at the bottom.”
* * *
For a Cashier.
r ANDBOME cashiers who get away with their
employer’s moa§y tjsualjy ta£e the boss with
t-hqpl t ~
H