Newspaper Page Text
7 E
Vacation
Limericks
Copyright, 1018, by 8t*r Company. Oram
Britain Right. Ranarrad.
A SWEET little girl came from
Troy,
And splaaned In the briny with
joy.
She wa* pretty and neat,
And very dlacreet.
But when pinched by a crab yelled
"Oi, oil"
-—
—
T HERE was an old man from
Mt. Vernon,
j Who sat on the beach and kept
teamin’;
He saw all the sights
In single-piece tights
And kept yearnin’ and yearnin’
and yearnin’.
A married man from New Ro
chelle
Went to atop at a Summer hotel.
But his wife came next day
And he faded away.
We know why, but we don’t dare
to tell I
There was an old dame from
Cohoes
Who stood on the lake front to
pose.
She slipped off the rock,
Got a terrible shock.
And was wet from her head to her
toes!
There was a young girl from Man
hattan,
Who went to a farm house to
fatten.
She ate and she ate
From early till late,
Now her shape’s Just like cotton
battln’l
There was once a fair maid front
Hoboken,
Who accepted a ring a s ■ token,
When the Summer boob said,
•'Now we will be wed?”
She laughed and said, “Nix, I was
jokin’.”
There was once a nice boy from
Montoialr
Who thought he would like the sea
air;
He went to the beach
And met with a peach—
Now they’re wed and have their
own helrl
“If a Table at Rector’s
Could Talk”
The Song Hit in “The Follies.”
Copyright, by T. B. Harms. Francis Day and Hunter,
T HERE Is a tavern In our town.
And there at night I set me down.
To dine and wine with laughter free.
For laughter Is the only thing that’s free at Rector's.
I was sitting at my table laughing all that I was atria.
When I thought a funny little thought.
What a funny thing Twould be
In the year 1—9—1—3,
If a table at Rector’s could talk.
What a lot of news you’d hear,
Through your conversation ear.
If a table at Rector's could talk.
You'd hear what someone's Adam said te someone else’a Eva,
You’d hear some men don’t have to wear a mustache to deceive.
You’d hear hew wide his tailor made your poker partner's sleeve,
You’d hear of horses that lose In a walk.
You’d hear how 8uale Spotlight does It on eighteen per week.
You’d hear who made the Manager give her them lines to speak.
And a lot of men would pony up a let of alimony,
If a table at Rector’s could talk.
You’d know the ehumpa behind the cheeks of half tha girls In town.
You’d know where Fannie Few Clothes bought her home-made Paris
gown,
You’d hear somebody’s right nome, and If you'd Just stick around
You’d hear a eeeret pep with every oork.
You'd hear who put the welcome on a certain mat uptown,
You’d hear who’s hand Is slipping on a job he's holding down.
And some good old reputations would start off en long vocations,
If a table at Rector's eeuld talk.
You’d hear how wise that boob la there who sets Just Ilka a jap,
You’d .hear about the buoket shops he basks on eld Broadway,
You’d hear that white-haired waiter you Just tipped your lost week's pay
Will build the biggest hotel In New York,
You’d hoar why Mister Man downtown Is aotlng kind of strongs.
You’d hear he happens to be with his own wife for a change.
And a let of folks that we knew weuld bs peeking trunks far Renal
If a table at Rooter's eeuld talk.
Our Comical Club
Comedians, Bix and Dix
Copyright, ISIS, by the Star Company. Greet Britain Rights Reserved.
B IX—Ton look ell out up. Did the bank failure upset you?
DIX—I should say it did. I lost my balance.
BIX—I understand that the teller was short In Us cash.
DIX—No, he was ahead. It was the bank that was short.
BIX—By the way, I notice that eociety folks at Newport are having a
baby show.
DIX—Is that so? Where did they get the babies?
BIX—It’s a loan exhibition, of course.
DIX—Say, do you know that Angina has just coneented to become ta’
wife, and I wish to ask you a confidential question.
BIX—Fire away. j
DIX—Do you know whether there Is any Insanity In her family!
BIX—Yes—there must be, from what you've Just told me.
DIX—By the way. Blx, they tell me you married simply because youf
wife had money.
BIX—You're wrong. I married her because I thought she'd let me
have some of It
DIX—How did you like the manner In which 1 handled my part at the
theatricals last evening?
BIX—You know where you said, ”Ha, ha! Tm mad! I*m mad?”
DIX—Yes; go on.
BIX—Well, you weren't half so mad as I was—I paid to get In. They
tell me that you and your brother are going to Join the church.
DIX—You're off there. Both of us couldn’t Join—one of us has to
weigh coal some of the time.
BIX—Oh. well; don't worry about a little matter like that Throw
the responsibility on the scales. You know, I borrowed our Iceman’s
scales to weigh our 'baby when she was born, and she weighed
exaotly
DIX—Exactly?
BIX—Fifty-five pounds. .
DIX—They toll me that the part your wife played In the theatricals
suited her to perfection.
BIX—I am afraid not A young and pretty woman was needed for the
part
DIX—Oh, no. Your wife proved the contrary, without a doubt You
act discouraged, old fellow. Is marriage proving a failure In your case?
BIX—Oh, no; I wouldn't say that But my wife says that some are
more fortunate than others In what they get
DIX—How does she figure that out?
BIX—Oh, she says I got her and she only got me.
DIX—I understand that your son Is pursuing his studies at college?
BIX—I guess so. He’s always behind.
DIX—You know, they say that Cupid strikes the match that sots the
world aglow. It's a fact. What makes you look so doubtful?
BIX—I was Just wondering whers he scratches it—that's all.
DIX—Bay. old man, I see you have lots of flowers around your home.
Why don't you start an apiary?
BIX 1 can't see what pleasure there’d be la keeping a lot of monkey*
around. Did you hear that there are a lot of pig thieves In the rural
districts?
DIX—Yes. And at example must be made of some of them or none
of us will be safe. By the way. how's your family getting along? I
see your wife’s back from Boston.
BIX—Goe! I won't allow her to wear that new decollete gown again,
DIX—Is your wife going away this Summer! -
BIX—No, I'm
(T
Absence makes
the heart
grow
fonder:
THE MORNING SMILE
Wex Jones, Editor
vol. n.
Atlanta, Ga., Sunday, July 27, 1913.
No. 34.
Free
Bananas!
Country Aroused, Demands Re
moval of Tax from Poor Man's
Fruit (or Is It Vegetable?)
ITIAKE the tariff bars down Let
the banana come In free.
If the Democratic party falls
In this, let It beware. It will slip
up!
Never has there been such
unanimity of opinion among all
classes and all political beliefs.
JAMES MeGUFFLR, president
of the Free Bansna Marching
Society: "The banana must be
free. It Is the poor men's fruit
True, few of the poor men ever
eat one, but that's because they
don’t know It’s their own fruit”
R. TIBIA, president of the
Bone-setters' Union: "The duty
on bananas Is a crying disgrace
to the country. Every bone-
setter In the United States favors
the free Importation of bananas.
Our union Is about to adopt the
banana aj Its official fruit ”
JOSEPH MILLER, founder of
the JokeemKhs’ Association:
“The more bananas, ths more
Jokes. 09 with ths duty, mem.”
BHRIMP FLYNN, president of
the Malgpmated Baseball Lege of
America: "I am in (aver of free
bananers. They are good to eat
and the skins Is good to drop be
fore a other kid when he’s rnn-
nln’.”
Now will the government act?
OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT.
Never wash with boiling water.
\ '
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JULY 27, 1913.
Ever Boy a Straw
By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist.
Copyright. 1913. by the Star. Company Oraat Britain Right* Reserved.
LIKE. IT?] ( AUTTLE Too MUCH)
-J I CROWN — 7
Too Much crown
EM »
Hat?
7
WHY mr tones Ididnt
KNOW OH You HAVE
AHEW HAT
IN THE SMILE’S
LETTER BOX
TO THE EDITOR—I am a
young man, twenty years
of age, and have lived in Mari
etta for the past twenty years.
I want to be a detective, but out
here there Is nothing much to
detect. At that I once detected
a skunk robbing Cy Myer’s hen
roost. Skunks are bad criminals
to detect. There are several rea
sons for this, one being that—
there Is no reward for their ap
prehension. Can you get me a
job detecting In Atlanta, as I un
derstand there’s quite a lot of
work in that line among the
Atlantans?
HIRAM CHUNQUE.
(We shall refer
your letter to Chief
Beavers when po
lice business gets
dull hereabouts.—
Ed.)
Oddities in
the News
Reasoning powe In animals:
Dog stung by a hornet In Allen
town, Pa., was seen next day
trying to bite another dog with
his talk
Man In Long Beach, Conn.,
committed suicide because
mother-in-law would not visit
them more than six months In
the year.
[Vote: Our eiorretpondent’t
writing it not very legible. He
may mean that ion committed
suicide because bit mother-in-law
would visit him more than tix
montht in the year, li’t odd any
way you lake it.—Ed.]
William J. Bryan.
Man going around the world
with a watch in his baud.
Did You
Too MUCH BR N\.
TOO AgWCH CR )U/M-
VJELL*.
frSEEMS To CR.'
I WONDER IF
I LIKENS
MAT
There , hows
That- $5.
oh well r
Take it
Back Now
Bananas Are All Right Unless They’re Empty.
SCIENCE JOTTINGS
Aeroplanes are now built of
feathers. This makes them
lighter than the east-iron kind.
Ice me,ts if kept In a warm
stove. In a cold stove It will last
longer.
A brick falling from a high
building will be shattered on
striking the sidewalk, unless
sons# soft-hearted person gets In
Its way.
Light travels at the rate of
two billion feet per second. Thla
accounts for the speed of gas
meters.
Soup la aa nutritious as * eggs
Hget la the opposite oi blanket.
Did You Know That—
Salamanders are supposed to
live In flames?
It seems a tough way of work
ing up a thirst?
Switzerland exports 8,750,000
pounds of cheese a year, not In
cluding the weight of the holes
In it?
The Swiss show their sense by
exporting the cheese Instead of
eating It?
There are 4,978,621,700 oubio
feet of air In the New York sub
way?
If you did you worn wrong, be
cause It contains that number of
cubic fee', of a substance that
was ones air?
Now Thats THE HAT.I
ITS A peach, and
It Fits You riqht