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BEST HUMOR, MOVTNO
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 1913.
A SURE ROAD TO
THE PEOPLE
You Want to Reach
Can Be Found in
SUNDAY AMERICAN
-OR-
ATLANTA GEORGIAN
WANT APS
TRY THEM
If You Could See Through Everything*-
Like the X-Ray Skirts
By' T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist
Oopmiit. !•!*, tay th» i»Ur Company. Orant BclUla Unfit
The Actor and the Drummer
SOME GOOD LiN^S isY FOSTER AND
LOVETT IN THEIR RIOT OF RIDI
" "" CULE TO EE SEEN AT THE FORSYTH
L OVE—That’s all right, old man; bring me on good and notey, but
please not quite so loud with those drums while I am singing.
FOS—These are new drums, and I have to try ’em out on some
body, You can’t sing, anyhow, while as a drummer I can make the greatest
living travelling salesman look like a trading stamp.
LOVE—How haughty is this person. Well, if I couldn’t drum any
better than you I’d run for the river.
FOS—Well, if I couldn’t sing any better thsn you I’d Jump In.
LOVE—Huh! You look like a common waiter to me.
FOS—You eat at common Joints, then, don’t you?
LOVE—That »o?
FOS—Merry Christmas!
;X)VE—You’re the personiflcatlon of a cheap guy. Toil only have
half a dress suit on. Why don’t you wear pants lo match your coat?
FOS—What’s the difference. The coat’s all the audience sees.
LOVE—The rest of the musicians don’t dress that way.
FOS—Don’t they, though? You don’t know ’em. Some of ’em wear
pajamas below the belt line. Stand up. boys.
LOVE—Why, I shouldn’t even be seen standing here talking to you.
FOS—No? Let’s go up an alley.
LOVE—Say, you’re too clever to be down there drumming for eighteen
a week. Why don’t you get a good girl partner and do a double on the
stage?
FOS—I know I’m a boob, but I haven’t any songs to sing
LOVE—111 get you a good song—"i love my drumsticks, but oh, you
ehlctsn.’
Oopyritfit ran*, tv the sour Owapsny. Qiset Britain RUhts Bamd.
FOS—That ought to be pretty good, but if I ever start to sing it’ll be
back to Yonkers for yours.
LOVE—Hush that patter. I’d sink you so far I’d drown you out
FOS—We’ll see about that If there’s another drummer in the house
I’ll come up on the stage and slDg you till you’re so hoarse you'll trot
away.
LOVE—Good. Here’s another drummer. Now come on up. (Oort up.)
FOS—If We’re to sing opposition songs we’ll have to pick different
orchestras. Who'll you take?
LOVE!—I’ll be reasonable. All I want are the piano, violin, cornet
clarinet and trombone.
FOS—That leaves the dmma for me. An right You won’t be heard
from at all. (Singt.)
LOVE—Say, you really have a wonderful voice. You don’t want te g»
back to drumming. Come along and travel with me.
FOS—That's an awful threat
LOVE—Are you married?
FOS—Sure. Didn’t I say I was a boob?
LOVE—Well, that la a handicap. How long have y®u been married?
FOS—Two years.
LOVE—Any children?
FOS—Six.
LOVE—What!
EOS—Yes. I married a widow.
LOVE—Oh, I see. You married a widow with six children.
F(J8—No. She only had four. I am the father of the latest two—
(he 1112 and 1212 models.
LOVE—Well, It’s high time for you to go on the stage and make some
real money.
FOS—And leave my drums behind? Not much. They cost me a hun
dred and sixty dollars.
LOVE—A mere penny In the slot, my boy. You’ll make more than
that the first week.
FOS—Oh! (Pointing to other drummer.) He can have the drums. But
what about my wife, Lucia?
LOVE—Why, with that wonderful voice of yonrs you ought to make
five hundred a week at the start.
FOS—Lead me to It. Give him the drums, the widow and the sextet
from Lucia. Everything goes.
LOVE—What are you so fidgety about?
FOS—I’ve lost a button.
LOVE—Don’t be foolish. Do you want to stop our song on account
of a button?
FOS—No. I want to stop the pants. _.
LOVE!—Come on. now. We’ll sing "All Night Long."
FOS—Not without a button.
LOVE—Say, there’s one thing sure, though. If yon Intend to he on
the stage you’ll have to learn to dress better. That’s s fine looking shirt!
It’s not even half a shirt Do all the musicians wear those?
FOS—Those? Huh! Some of ’em only wear a sheet of writing paper.
LOVE—We’ll start now We’ll play "All Night Ix>ng" in A flat
'■'OS—In a flat? Why be ao particular? Make it ou the beach. It’s
cooler, . ^
Funny Dope Stories
By JUNIE M’CREE.
Copyright 1118, by the Star Company. Qreat Britain Rights Reserved.
T HRICE follows were hitting the pipe in a regulation opium Joint
stretched out In bunks that were laid out in tiers, one above the
other. The man In the lower bunk was saying: "Gee, I had a little
tough Hick to-day.. I made a little bet of *600,000 on Dandelion at I to L
She got off in front. Just breezed all the way around for a mile. Coming
Into the stretch she led by ten lengths, but twenty yards from the wire
she stumbled and went to her knees. Shotgun, coming like a streak on
the rail, was at Dandelion’s flankB Just as old Dandy got on her feet
They came on to the wire and, say, talk about hard luck. Shotgun beat
old Dandelion by a HEAD for my *600,000, at 8 to 1.
"Well, I had a little set-back myself to-day,” said the fellow In tfee
middle bunk. "I sent In a little bet of *1,000,000 on Gold Heels In the last
raoe to-day at 40 to 1; I’d run that from a dollar. Well, they get off
flying, with Gold Heels beating the barrier by ten lengths The boy on
her Just settled down to & common canter for home. That old brown baby
Just came down the stretch with his ears pricked up as If he was looking
for a lump of sugar from the Judges. I couldn't loose nohow. Juet as
they came down the stretch the band started up a turkey trot, and If
Gold Heels didn’t get up on his hind pine and start te do a tange Til
never live to get out of this bunk.
"Well, when the Jock got him down and started for home again Coll*
had come up on him and they lit out for home, head ana head. Colin
wae pouting all the way down the stretch, and his under lip was still
sticking out when he came on in a dead heat with Gold Heels. That Up
Just stuck out enough to win for Colin. Just a llttls tough, wasn’t it. te
blow *40,000,000 by s pouty lip?"
The fellow In the top bunk yawned, stretched, rolled over, and. look
ing over the edge of the bunk, emld quietly, "Hey, throw those tw#
PIKERS out, will ya?”
• • •
A SEEDY looking opium smoker wandered Into a gambling house sad
watched them play faro bank for a while. After fumbling about la
his pockets for some time he drew qut a nickel and placed It on the Jack.
The dealer, without noticing the person who placed the coin, reached
down and gently but firmly flicked the coin onto the floor.
The smoker didn’t say a word, but looked about the floor, got hi*
nickel, came back to the table and placed it on the queen. Again the
dealer flicked It onto the floor. Again the smoker picked It up, returned to
the table and placed it on the ace. The dealer calmly brushed It off the
table again and, as It clattered around In the farther corner, he looked
the opium smoker squarely In the eye and said:
"And I want to tell you, young feller, we don’t DEAL Tor that kind of
money."
The smoker drew himself up and said, "Well, then, deal for any
PART of it"
• • •
rnwo smokers wers wandering along in the snow. It was bitter cold
and they were down and out. Just as they turned the wind-swept
comer one of them stooped down and picked up a quarter.
"Lucky,” said the other.
"Nope, not lucky; there’s a guy leaves that here for me every night—
sometimes a HALF."
rpWO dope fiends wers sentenced to Sing Sing on separate charges.
After they had been In about three months they met In the prison
chapel one Sunday morning.
One said, "Hello, Bill, when do you get ont of here?"
BUI replied, "In about ten years."
"You’re Just the guy I’m looking for,” said his friend, pulling a letter
from his pocket "I want you to mall this letter.”
• • •
TN 1888 a theatre In Tacoma where only ribald and suggeetlve songs were
appreciated by the sailor and longshoreman audiences was visited by
the chief of police, a few clergymen and grand Jurors with a view to re
voking the license of the place.
The manager of the theatre, J. Willie, a notorious dope fiend, heard
they were coming and warned his actors to eliminate all suggestive songs
and Jokes. The performance that night was received 1n utter silence.
During the afterpiece the crusaders left the place satisfied that the per-
formance was rotten, but not vulgar or Immoral. Aa the last reformer
left the theatre. J. Willie yelled to his favorite comedian from an upper
box:
"Lead your ace,’Johnny; lead your ace."
• • •
A SMOKER of “seconds"—meaning a fiend who never had enough
money to buy real opium, but derives some satisfaction out of the
ashes—played ten cents In a Chinese lottery In ’Frlsoo one day and Ml
& seven spot which netted him two dollars.
He carried this Immense fortune over to Oakland and played faro.
He was lucky, and cashed In over eighty dollars’ worth of chips. The
money waa paid to him In quarters, half dollars and a few of the cumber
some cartwheel dollars of the West, making quite a Jingle as his hand
fondled In his pocket
He stepped on the Oakland ferry, with the air of a successful gambler
During his entire life he had not eaten a first-class meal, so he strolled
to the lunch counter on the boat, Jingling his wealth, and said to a waiter
In a most impressive and posl^ve manner- tS
"1 waiit three sofi-boileU •££», and on* el them MLol be good.* .