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ITEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, OA., SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 1913.
Jokes Heard on Atlanta Streets
One Remembered.
Wealthy Glty Man (who has taken
a fancy to revisit his village birth
place)—Ah, me! there Is the little
red schoolhouse, and yonder Is the
old church. How well I remeirfber
them! Hut the dear, old, familiar
faces are gone; not one remains to
recall those happy
The Oldest Inhabitant (advanc
ing!—Ye’re Bill Judd, ain't ye? I
knew ye the minute I sot eyes on
to ye. I trusted your father for a
watermelon In 18*3, an’ If ye’ve got
the money handy I'd be obleeged If
ye'd settle for It.
Learning Golf.
A young woman entered a sporting
goods store one morning, and the
polite clerk went forward to meet
her.
“1 want,” she said, "to see some
golf clubs.”
"Certainly," replied the clerk.
"About how many do you want?"
“Well, reaJly,” she responded
slowly, "1 scarcely know. You see,
1 am Just learning to play golf, and
1 do not know much about It as yet.
Why, I don't even know which end
of the caddie to use."
wide apart, he looked up and ex
claimed:
"Now, grandma, we've struck the
pants.”
The Correct Style,
kittle Harold, aged four, had gone
to town to buy his first pair of "store
pants." He tried on one pair after
another, but none quite suited him.
At last he found a pair that had
real pockets. Slipping his hands
deep Into them and spreading his
That’s No Lie.
"1 want you to understand that I
got my money by hard work."
"Why, I thought it was left you
by your uncle."
"So it was: but I had hard work
getting it away from the lawyers.”
Caught.
“Do you know anything about flirt
ing?”
"No,” he replied, sadly. ‘T thought
I did, but when I tried it the girl
married me."
"I've greased the two front ones.”
“And why haven’t you greased the
two hind ones?"
"Well," said the new than again,
“so long’s the two front ones goes
all right, the two hind ones jes’
nachelly got to foller!”
Stuck on ’Em.
Mrs, Shortley was discussing (he
latest fashions with a young lady
caller.
"Hid you say your husband was
fond of those clinging gowns. Mae?"
"Yes; he likes one to cling to me
for about three years.”
No Doubt About It.
One day a young negro of sporty
appearance dropped in at a country
livery stable and said he needed a
job.t He looked promising, so he was
set to work greasing the axles of a
buggy.
In a remarkably short space of
time he reported the task finished.
“Look here,"' said his new boss,
“do you mean to say you've greased
all four of them wheels already?”
“Well," rejoined the new man.
Not Very Close.
“Are you related to Barney Sulli
van?" Patrick Sullivan was once
asked.
"Very distantly," replied Patrick.
“I was me mother’s first child, and
Barney was the slvinteenth.”
Not Invidious.
Ted—I’ra trying to find some one
who knows me, to go security on my
note.
Ned—Don’t you think, my boy,
you’d better look for some one who
doesn't knw yu?
The Waiter’s Price.
It was a banquet where a notable
gathering of politicians had assem
bled. A certain aspiring young at
torney was among the number, and
as he spied an influential judge at
the far end of the parlor he called
the bead waltr, slippd half a dollar
into his hand, and whispered, "Put
me next to Judge Spinks at. the
table.”
Upon being seated, however, he
found that he was at the other end
of the room from the judge.
He called the head waiter to ex-
pJaln.
“Well, sir," replied the official,
"the fact is that the judge gave me
a dollar to put you as far from him
as possible."
Her Brother’s Voice.
Little Faith was possessed of a
most friendly disposition, but had not
yet reached the age where she could
understand the silence that may
wrap itslf around a wordless inti
macy. In fact, she demanded speech,
frequent and loving.
One night her brother was study
ing most assiduously his arithmetic
lesson, and after calling to him sev
eral times without receiving an an
swer, she appealed to her father.
“George Is busy,” said father.
"I know," replied Faith, "but he
might at least have said, ‘Shut up.’ "
JUST FOR FUN
OoRTTl^ht, 181 a. by the Star Company. Great Britain fttgbta Raan-ved.
He Didn't Wish to Be Overheard.
VTOT long ago the Washington police were set to work collecting certain
information for a census of the city. Each officer was directed, In
•very case, to seek the data desired from the head of the house he visited.
When one big copper rang the bell of a certain establishment a timid
little man, with sparse whiskers, answered the call; and, when the officer
In a tone like that of the Bull of Bashan demanded to see the head of the
house, the little man whispered:
"Sh! You needn’t shout so! I am the head of the house. What Is
It you want?”
“To’ must remember, Hattie," said the other housemaid, malevo
lently, “dat de situation Is different now. Yo’ has .got It on, and yose goi
yo' face to contend with I"
Father Hubbard.
0 L
He’d Have to Make More Waits.
IJ T SEE by the papers,” said Perkins, "that a fellow swam to Boston
light in eight hours.”
“Aha,” said Gherkins, “I wonder how long It would take him to swim
there loaded."
ILD Father Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To quench his awful thirst;
When he got there
The cupboard was bare—
His wife had been there flrstl
m
Breaking’ It Gently.
A young man. an only son, married
against the wishes of his parents.
A short time afterwards, In teJI-
Ing a friend how to break the news
to them, he said.
“Tell them first I am dead; and
then gently work up to the climax.”
What Did Father Do to Him.
Little Frank came running to his
father in the study, and, throwing
his arms about his neck, said, joy
fully: "Oh, papa, Fourth of July is
coming tomorrow!”
Papa, who w’as busy and did not
want to be Interrupted just at this
time, replied rather sharply:
“Well, let it come.”
“Yes, papa, I was going to,” was
the quick response.
Illustrated Le^al Phrase
Absent Minded.
J GOT up this morning at sunrise,
And hurriedly shaved off my hair.
I rubbed the bay rum on the end of my thumb.
And powdered my elbows with care.
I buttoned my waistcoat up backward,
I hen jumped in the tub for a song—
I know I’m dressed neatly, in style and completely.
Yet seem to suspect something’s wrong.
For breakfast we'd sausage and bacon;
I ate them with sugar and thyme.
Then buttered the baby—his nickname is Abie—*
My wife only saved Kim in time.
I put the beeksteak in my pocket.
Then off to the train ran along—
I know I'm dressed neatly, in style and completely.
Yet seem to suspect something’s wrong.
Made His Mouth Water.
TROT—Who is the peach you just danced the Tango with?
B. Hugg—She isn’t a peach.
T. Trot—She Isn't?
B. Hngg — No.
She's a Tango-
'■■■ X, rene.
No Doubt.
AID the blushing young lady of Hocking,
When asked for her fare, “This ts shocking!
I'm afraid I can't pay,
Until some other day.”
She had put all her oash in her—-purse, ths location of which prob
ably was inaccessible.
:■/ *\\ A Case of
/ I ' Commission
/< N \ fT 1 4 % . > A "I ™PP°-
\\ * rtk * # KJ) • yor glttln’ a good
\\ H a V# fee - Blr ' ter at '
tendin' to the
v \-.,^ // rich Smith boy?
y SAr 'h y'd V Doctor — Well,
^ / , yea, I get a pret-
V ^ ty good fee; but
why are you ask-
vrr ' rr.~T —Well. I ’ope yer
won’t forget that
my little Algy
threw the brlok
that fit Tm!
Little squares for faces,
Little spots for limbs,
Make the Cubist Summer Girt
Look "dotty” when she swims.
What She Had to Contend With.
rpHERE are two dusky housemaids In the service of a Washington
family whose thoughts, as is the case with many of their race, turn
greatly to dress.
On one occasion Hattie became smitten with a hat she had seen on
her afternoon off. As she had her week's wages In her pocket, It was
not long before the coveted headgear was hers. It was a wonderful crea
tion of black velvet and pink roees; and to Hattie It seemed the last
word In hats.
When she got home she spent much time at the mirror, but the hat
did not seem to look so well on her as it had in the shop window.
“Doggone It," she muttered. “It looks like de very dickens, don’t It?
An' it look so fine in dat window 1“
The Re^l Feminine Power.
(JQO yon don’t approve of those London suffragettes?"
^ “I don’t .know much about them," replied Miss Cayenne, "but I can’t
help feeling that a woman who can’t subdue a few men without the use
of dynamite la something of a failure."
Not Getting a Cook.
TTTTSB'AND—I say, dear, dinner's horribly late again.
Wife—Look here, when yon married me you didn’t
Husband—Well, you needn’t rub It In.
a cook.
Made Up for It.
JAY—The Widow Dashaway’s husband didn’t leave her much wben he
died, did he?
Ray—No; but he left her very often when he *as alive.
Funny Tales From Everywhere
The Canny Traveler.
Richard Harding Davis had an
amusing experience while on a re
cent visit to England. While motor
ing through the country, his party
stopped to see an old church. The
native guide was showing the party
through, explaining all the poifffs of
interest after his own style.
"In the far corner of this ’ere
church,” he said, “lies William the
Conker; be’tnd the organ, where
you can't see, are tombs of Guy
Fawkes, Robin 'Ood, and Cardinal
Wolsey. Now, sir,” he asked, ad
dressing Mr. Davis, "does that there
guide-book as I sees you ’a,ve In
your and tell yer who's lyin’ ere?”
‘No," said Mr. Davis candidly
“the book says nothing of it, but I
can guess.”
Honest Abe.
A farmer once made to Abraham
Lincoln an obviously exaggerated
statement as to the weight of his
hay crops.
"I’ve been cutting hay, too," said
Lincoln, smiling.
“Good crop?" the farmer asked.
“Fine—very fine!” said Lincoln.
"How many tons?”
“Well, I don't exactly know how
many tons,” said Lincoln, careless
ly, “but my men stacked all they
could out of doors, and then stored
the rest In the barn!"
SMILES
Henpecked.
“We’re henpecked, pa, ain’t we?”
"Why, what do you mean, my
boy?”
“Well, ma makes me wash my
hands before I come to the supper
table, and she makes you wash yours
before you hook up her back.”
Hopper on the Farm.
Spending the summer on a farm
has rendered De Wolf Hopper even
more of a punster than usual. One
day, when he had run up to the
city, he chanced to meet a friend,
and they went to luncheon together.
Mr. Hopper was giving his friend
a very enthusiastic account of life
in the country, telling him what an
early riser he had become, etc.
“How do you know,” asked the
friend, “what time It is In the morn
ing, when ycu want to get up so
early?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” answered Mr.
Hopper, with a twinkle in his eye.
“Yon see, my neighbors all keep
chickens. The rooster Is my crow-
nometer.”
Startling News.
New Yorker (at box office win
dow)—Have you two orchestra seats
in the fourth row, center, for to
night?
Ticket Seller—Yes, sir.
New Yorker (after recovering from
the shock)—I guess I don’t want
theta—the show can’t be any good!
A Valid Excuse.
"Kin ye deny ye was exceedin’ the
speed limit?” demanded the judge.
"No, I can’t, judge,” said Larrups,
“but I had a good reason your honor.”
“Whut was that?” demanded the
judge.
"Why, my gasoline was getting
low, sir, and I wanted to hurry In
before It gave ont,” said Larrups.
Coming to It.
College Suitor—-All evening I have
been waiting to say something to you.
Damsel (In despair)—It wasn’t
goodnight, was it?
Cherry Valley
Notes
At That the Rock
Mutt and Jeff appear every day in The Atlanta Georgian.
as Soft as Jeff!— by F“mf
Copyright. ISIS, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
A feller wuz In our midst Saterday
Bellin' cucumber seeds, and to illus
trate how fast they would grow he
told the followin’ true story erbout
bis own expeerenee: "1 went tew a
store and hot sum of these seeds and
when I went tew plant them they
growed so fast thet they throwed
dirt in my eyes. I tried tew git away,
but the vine tript me. I went tew
reach intew my pocket tew git my
knife, and I'll be blessed if a seed in
my pocket hadn't growed so much
that it filled it. I had tew holler tew
a feller tew cut me loose."
A city feller what Is doln bee rais
in' here wuz told thet when a swarm
left the blve ho wuz to put on hla
large straw hat, placin a piece of
muskeeter nettin over the front of
It when he went tew git them hack.
He done that, and when he found
the swarm be lifted the nettin so
they would conle in—and they did.
It'll be sum time afore he will be
able tew do much.
There Is one of them pesky pert
city fellers clerkin' in Fullers ice
cream parlors. I went In last nlte
and tole him I would take a clqne-
mon. “Bear?" sex he. "No." sex I,
“yew may put a collar on It" “We
ain’t bruin that kind tewday,” sez he.
Then they all luffed and 1 walked out
They hev got sum new fangled
mouse traps at the Emporium and
Hank Pett bet Joe Bloom a five cent
aeegar that he could tetch the thing
off with his tung and never git cot
The last seen of Hank he waa run-
nin' hent-fer-electlon fer Dr. Stiles,
with the plaigged trap still stlckln.’
He hain't bin round the corners since.
f WNAT'i'THe MATTER.?
Can't you &usr that rock?
Do You want <y BusTeo?
I’LL Bust IT *
C6R.THINCN I WANT
it BuSTeO, what Do
You THINK UM DOIN’
CARVfNfc (V\Y INITIALS
OA1 IT f
■44*-
N.O WONP6R.
AFTeo. vve ae?N
Softening ,-y
for. You FOR-
Two HOURS
Ry OLD JOE RIGGER.
Copyright., 19J5, by the Star Company.
Great liritalc UigUU JUteord.
O UR brave Are laddies hev a new
chemical cart and they kin
hardly keep frum drlnkin’ ths
stuff, becaus It fizzes sew.
U6h!)
Aw? v -
T,
.-i! V A i
W». I
Wasn’t