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. BIST HUMOR, MOVING *
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
ERICAN
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ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1913.
YOU CAN TALK
TO ALL OF DIXIE
by simply mentioning the
thing you need, or the
thing you do not, in a
Sunday American
Want Ad
Life’s a Funny Proposition _Man!
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist. b ° r ” u ° f ,ew d °" a
By T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist.
CKrpmilM, 181*. *r Ut HU* Ltniiay Uemi Unuia K«%C» ■■»nw
Some Days It’s Like This. Other Days It’s Like This.
SAY OLP MAH
VJHEKE IS
TEn You
OWE ME
Ia\ sorry WE
VYOAK. AMP VMt
PONT. LIKE YouR 1
DOnY like you* I
^j)RCE 60 BEAT it J
AftE You h,
PRESENTS. Back,
SUES qoNE Vs/ITH
AMOTHEfC C,Uy:
(WK?)
, AH'! CANT
sleep:,
OnftjrUfbt. 1918. »/ U* 8u/ tVmpMiy Omul Britain RJcfeta FLMvnaA.
AN that is born of woman is of few dollars and full of
egoism.
2. He cometh forth like a flower but Is wilted by the
higheostofliving and shriveled by rent and taxis.
3. If Headache followcth his thirst all the days of his life,
4. He hoppeth out of bed fifteen minutes late in the morn
ing and flndeth neither his milkman nor paper boy have ar
rived.
5. He liustleth for his train and misseth it by three-quarters
or a minute.
6. He rusheth to his noonday lunch and choketh upon a
fishbone in his chicken salad.
7. He crosseth (he street in the pride of his manhood and is
tossed three blocks by a yellow honk-wagon.
8 Behold the man who cameth unto his office to pay a great
bill dieth of apoplexy whilst he is at lunch.
9. Yea. even his stenographer leaveth her chewing gum in his
desk chair by accident, and he needs must wear his raincoat
home.
10. If What is man but the shuttlecock of fate walloped over
the fence by the battledore of adversity?
11. Behold he gamereth in unto himself seven slmoleona in
one day, the while his wife shoppeth and hath charged to him a
bill for nine simoleons.
12. In his infancy he stubbrth his toe and waileth lustily,
and in his maturity he acquireth the gout and curscth abomi
nably.
13. ff Yea, his troubles do follow him In his young manhood
and the first girl to whom he proposeth doth accept him.
14. And just as he saveth sufficient to purchase for his adorn
ment an pair of white flannel trousers and an high straw lid
with the how abaft, lo and behold, his wife’s relatives come and
borroweth it from him!
15. Verily, what is man hut a stone-bruise upon the heel of
existence?
16. Even is he but a freckle upon the face of Mtss Fortune,
for when he polisheth his silk hat he nbsent-mindedly tumeth
nbout and sitteth upon it, being therefore the man who putteth
loss in gloss.
17. Nor tn his lexicon can there be found the word “luck,”
for should he lay a wager upon a horse that animal dieth in the
| home stretch, and should he hold four kings and add his watch
unto his stack in the pot, verily another holdeth four aces.
18. jf He runneth for office, nor can any one guess what
manner of man it was who cast the other vote for him.
19. Even will the letter carrier unwittingly drop the envelope
addressed to him containing a check, but promptly deliver four
duns.
20. He walketh in the street and a bulldog falleth upon him;
^ he walketh in the fields and an aviator falleth upon him; he
hideth in the cellar for protection and the gas meter explodeth
and hoisteth him through the floorings unto the third floor;
even if he diveth into forty fathoms of water he bumpeth his
] hear "non a water-logged nlank.
THE HOUSE HUNTERS
By
LEWIS ALLEN
4 < I T ELLO,” said Jenkinson when his wife entered his office, “I was
I - 1 just going to send out for a ticket to the matinee; now 111 get
two and take you along.”
"Now, Jimmie Jenkinson, you know you promised to go house-hunting
with me to-day,” exclaimed his wife, "and you’ve just got to go!”
Jenkinson knew he had made no such promise, but he knew better
than to argue with a woman. He also had a well-founded suspicion that
siie was right—lie certainly had got to go.
“Any particular object in moving?" he asked.
“Why shouldn’t we move?” Mrs. Jenkinson demanded. "We will find
something ever so much better for less money. Look, here’s an ’ad’ that
offers a six-room apartment with a beautiful view of Piedmont Park foi
fifty dollars."
“What’s the rent?"
“Fifty dollars.”
At the apartment they walked up four flights.
Thought these were elevator apartments," complained Jenkinson.
“They are,” said the agent. "We have a freight elevator in the rear.
“With the dumbwaiter that makes two elevators,’’ commented Jenkii
son. The agent agreed »ithusiastically.
“And now about that grand view of the park. All I can see is a be
alley with a big wash out,” said Jenkinson.
"Oh, the view is from the roof. On a clear day you can see quite a
of the park.”
The Jenkinsons went away from there.
“tiucss you’d better call it off and go to the matinee,” suggested j
kinson.
• There’s a sign in there. Let’s take a look,” interrupted his wife.
"Oh look, there’s a big butler’s pantry ”
“That’s the library, ma’am,” explained the agent.
Jenkinson laughed, but Mrs. Jenkinson failed to see the Joke.
“Anyway, this is a nice, cool bedroom, and see this nice big closet ”
1811 tey th« Mm 'V-racmny Gwt Britain Rigttfa Rmmrrmi-
"TTiiw is th# .lining room, and this," pointing to what Mrs. Jenkinson
had thought to be a nice, big closet, "is the sleeping room.” wearily ex
plained the agent.
"Anyway, there’s a lovely fireplace in thle room”
Again the agent Interrupted her. With a dextroua movement he
pnlled out the fireplace and revealed a tiny gas stove. "This,” he said, "Is
the kitchen.”
“And the rent?” asked Jenkinson
“Only eighty dollars," replied the agent.
"I think,” said Mrs. Jenkinson, two minutes later, whex they were on
the aldewalk. "that we will find Just what we want at the Eureka apart
ments.” And so they took another long ride and arrived at the Eureka
apartmenta. There were pretzels and corkscrews and flshworms chlsled
all over the entrance for ornaments, the halls were done In tiled floors,
and the place looked Inviting. The rooms were really good and the rent
was reasonable.
"Juat what we want. Jimmie, isn’t It?' gushed Mrs. Jenkinson
"Whe-«-e-en I waltzzzz with you-u-u-u-u!” came in clear, vinegar-
eruet soprano tones from across the hall The lady was singing It through
her nose
“Our neighbors seem musical.” commented Jenkinson.
“Oh. yes. the people here are very refined and nice," agreed the agent,
appearing a bit disturbed.
“Well. Jimmie, 1 think this la what we want; now if you have a
blank leasp handy”
"ON the Mississippi, ON the Mississippi,” came the dulcet notes
form a sort of mixed ale quartette In the adjoining apartment.
"For goodess sake. Is this"
"Oh. Juat one of those big hundred dollar talking machines," said the
agent, talking rapidly of the beauties of the flat
“flaw—aw—baw—aw—Hush mv little pickaauiuv ——i
The aounu came from overhead.
V"
“That's another of those talking machines. I didn’t want you to think
we would allow children In these exclusive apartments," the agent put
in, hurriedly.
"I’d Just as soon hear a real baby," said Mre. Jenklnaon.
“Ah but babies eat the wall paper and scratch the woodwork; no, If
you have children we couldn't let this place”
"We have no children," snapped Mrs. Jenklnspn.
“That’s all right, that’s all right; 1 was merely warning you"
Mrs. Jenkinson hastened away from there, nor could she understand
why Jenkinson should laugh so heartily.
It was getting late. Mrs. Jenkinson bought an evening paper and
looked through the advertisements.
"Here’s a perfectly lovely place, six rooms, third floor, elevator, Janitor
service, parquet floors, vacuum sweeper and everything," she exclaimed,
reading the advertisement •
“Well, where Is It?" grumbled Jenkinson, now tired and hungry and
thirsty and peeved.
“It doesn't say. We will have to call on the agent," she informed him,
and so they went to the agent, showed him the advertisement, and asked
him where that apartment was located
“Very good apartment, rent only sixty dollars. Third floor. No. S7
Blanke street"
"Great Mansions In the Skies!” yelled Jenkinson, "that's our OWN
apartment, where we live now!"
"Then you have given notice?" said the agent.
Mrs. Jenkinson nodded. For once she was speechless for a moment
"But how comes the rent to be sixty dollars? We are paying only
fifty-five." said Jenkinson.
"Oh, It Is such a good apartment we have decided to raise the rent."
smiled the agent
"Now we’ve GOT to move,” said Mrs. Jenkinson.
Jimmie said something in reply.
fjtvby. Jimmie Jenkinson!' gasped his wife.
21. The man for whom he went bond fleeth into Africa; the
check he received) is returned unto him marked in glaring let
ters across it’s face, “NO FUNDS;” his rent, insurance, lodge
dues, coal bill and three notes falleth due upon the same day.
22. H The banister of life adown which he slideth is full of
splinters, and the Hand of Fate leadeth him not but weareth
brass knuckles and jabbeth him constantly.
23. Yea, verily, man that is born of woman is destined to
bills and boils, toil and thirst, maiaria and matrimony.
24. And when the end cometh he cannot even enjoy the epi
taph provided for him. and the flowers sent to garnish his ob
sequies are by umtukc delivered to the home of his bitterest
enemy,