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TIEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA. DA. SUNDAY. SEPTEMBER 14. 1013.
Jeffs Aim Wasn't So ftad at That
By “Bud”
Fisher
A Few
Minutes with
Mutt and .Teff Appear Every day in The Atlanta Georgian.
Copyright. 1913 b> the Star Company. Great Britain Bights Reserved.
Harry Breen
jtrr, toO»n fee*N’
HUNTING VA£,Lt?»,TH&
NKTIONM. - t>0 YOU Cr«T *AE >
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♦-'SV.O To C,
-roo.Fooa S'*ap! vnm>tim4. tvio^
shwas bHooriNtM rnt sk.v
um novrs th« e. e a^y rumpj. ,
"iN^O 'Coup OuLLpT. t OU<*MT To '
duyr Youn Move , rue IDEA.'
those shells cost 7<t
CKH.YOU PER.IOO
iUT-
.. Ji
The Deacon s Mistake.
..CIBTKR HENDERSON fairi
•5 Deacon Hyphcrs severely,
you should avoid even the appear
ance of evil "
"Why, Deacon, what do you
mean?” asked Sister Henderson.
I observed that on your sideboard
>ou have several rut-glass decanters,
and that each of them is half filled
with what appears lo be ardent
spirits."
"Well, now. Deacon, it Isn't any
thing of the kind The bottles look
so pretty on the sideboard that I
just filled them halfway with some
floor and furniture polish, just for
a ppea ranees."
"That’s why I'm cautioning you.
sister.” replied the Deacon "Feeling
a trifle faint. I helped myself to a
dose from the big bottle in the mid
dle.”
44
Cheer Up.
I SOMETIMES wonder if life is
worth living." mused the pes
simist.
"tt is." replied the optimist. “It is
worth living much better than most
of us live it."
A Personal Application.
4♦ C AY Parson,” said Elder lien >
^ at the church board meeting,
here are the resignations of all of
the quartette choir.”
"My. my.” said Doctor Fourthly in
distress, "what's the trouble?”
Your announcement Sunday morn
ing.” replied Elder Merry sternly.
You know yon said ‘Providence
having seen fit to afflict all our choir
with bad colds, let us join in sing
ing Praise God from Whom All
Blessings Flow ."
He Meant Well.
O LD AIN'T (despondently I—Well.
I shall not bp a nuisance to
you much longer.
Nephew 1 reassuringly 1—Don't talk
like that, aunt You know you will.
Discouraging.
M U JORDAN was touring by mo
tor car. and arrived at a
crowded village inn quite late one
evening. There was no spare bed
to be had which was a great dis
appointment. as ho was tired, and
very much disliked the thought of
driving farther that night.
“Haven’t you at least a bundle
— f hay you can give me?” he de
in a need of the iamiiad>
"There isn't a thing left she an
swered. ' except a bit of cold roast
An Oversight.
T HE steamboat came spl; ;ii"g
along her course, at full speed,
aud the first thing the passengers
knew had crashed head-on into the
pier.
Mercy!" cried a passenger. T
wonder what is the matter?"
“Nothin’,” said Pat, one of the
deckhands * Nothin'. ma’am -ut
looks to me as if the captain just
forgot that we stop here.”
A Serious Error.
*4\7 0U’VE made a mistake fn your
* paper,” said the indignant
man, entering the editorial sanc
tum. "1 was one of the competitors
at the athletic match yesterday and
you have called me the well-known
lightweight champion."
“Well, aren't you?” said the edi
tor.
No. I'm nothing of the kind; and
It s confoundedly awkward because,
you see. I’m a coal merchant.”
Bright Side.
,,TTE always tries to see the bright
*1 side "
"What's happened?'
He was run by an automo
bile yesterday and almost killed, yet
the first thing he said when he re
gained consciousness was. 'Gee whir.!
after fifteen years I've got a chance
to cash in on an accident policy!' ”
“The Man of Few Words”
T HAT'S ma's house! I can see
the old gables on It' Same
old mortgage on It' Father
gave it to mother, dollar down—and
u sheriff a week!
Oh. look at the bay windows. How
cflcn I've seen my dear old mother
washing them with bay rum!
And look at the butler’s pantry,
where he puts on his pantry pants!
It will he good to see mother!
Mabe she won't know me with this
gold tooth! A lot of squirrels fol
lowed me here 1 beard one of them
say;
“Keep after him—hell make a
good meal; he’s nutty.”
But they’ll never get me! I'll go
to Brazil with the rest of the nuts.
It's mv parents' fault I’m this way.
1 was born on Hallowe’en My father
w as a colonel.
My young son works In an office.
We call him office nut.
“Ah. tls you, mother! Don’t you
know- me, mother, with this collar on?
The war Is ever. They told me 1
had killed enough men to-day, and
sent me home halt a nhour earlier.
Look, mother, I’ve brought home
an Invention—an ear muff for next
Summer, mothec— to keep the juice
of the watermelon out of people’s
ears.
"His mind will he ail right when
he can remember his maiden came!
Let’s go out and see the old garden,
mother.
Oh, look at the condensed-milk
weeds! Look at the little leave-me-
nots! Mother planted them. Then
she planted father Those were the
happy days!
“Mother, there’s no use to ask me
to have sense. You know In your
heart that I’ve been eating with rav
knife ever since I was born It's
hereditary. Father doue it, mother.
You brought it all on yourself,
mother. Why, every time you bn-
green peas you put knives on til
lable! That done it!
"Look at the table all set. What
elegance! A meal fit for a king!
l.ook at the napkins! Sister must
have been eating at the swell hotels
lately!
Oh, see the silverware! Brother
must have been along with sister!
And look at the cubes of mulliga-
tawney Now, dear father won’t have
to SIP, SIP. HOORAT! How ather
used to fight with the neighbors.’
One hundred and oighty-three battles
and never won one!
Yes, I’ll sit down, mother. But I
wouldn't have If that City chap had
a been a sittln’ down at our festive
board. I can’t stand to have him
around, mother Why? Ah, mother,
there be rumors In the village!. The7
say he wears paper collars
‘‘But, mother, we can’t sit down
without father. Where is he? He
MUST be up for see—you are uslna
a sheet for a table cloth. Such a
spread! Look at the bologna! See
It glisten In the sun—sun-kls3ed
liver wurst!
“Well, mother, I’m off to the war
again. They may want me back In
the front ranks. Good bye. mother,
if the landlord comes for the rent,
tell him you’ll fight it out on these
lines if it takes all Summer
“I’ll be home the first Sunday you
have meat.
Some New Jokes From Everywh
Hated to Give In.
T HE minister of a parish in Scot
land was called to effect a rec
onciliatlon between a fisherman of
a certain village and his wife. After
using all the arguments in his power
to convince the offending husband
that it was unmanly in him, to say
the least, to strike Folly with his
fist, the minister concluded:
"David, you know' that the wife is
the weaker vessel, and you should
have pity on her.”
"Weel, then,” said David, sulkily,
"if she’s the weaker vessel, she
ghoul carry the less sail."
As Per Label.
A WELL KNOWN artist tells of
an amusing colloquy in an art
gallery where two young women were
viewing a copy of Millet's "Glean
era.''
One of the young women was car
ried away by her enthusiasm. "How
beautiful! How wonderful! What
art!’ she exclaimed. "Above all, how
natural!"
Then, after a pause, she said:
"But what are those people doing?”
Drawing near to read the title, she
added, "1 see! Gleaning millet! How
wonderfull How beautiful!”
Sarcasm.
W HEN one wants a mistake cor
rected, it is always well to ex
press the demand impressively.
A Maine lumber dealer recently
shipped a carload of lumber to a firm
in Baltimore.
Upon receipt and examination the
customer dictated to his stenographer
the following terse and telling mes
sage. which was immediately wired:
"Knot-holes received: please send
the knots."
Strictly Modern.
M R. HENNER (showing summer
boarder through the chicken
house)—It's up lo date, you see.
There is the feeding pen, here the
dusting room: at this end is the wa
tering trough, and on that side you
see the nesting boxes.
Summer Boarder (earnestly) —
Strictly modern, isn't it? And do the
hens really lay their own eggs?”
The Only Way.
4*T WAS unl.v acting the part of
for a moment and said, slowly and
deliberately:
"Oblige me, sir. by laying a little
money that same way for me.”
”M V „
Quite Obvious.
her husband, what is a ca
nard ?"
"Don't .'on know what a canard
is 0 " queried Snaggs rather sneer
Ingly. "Why, the word itself conveys
its own meaning!”
"Does It? Well, really. 1 can’t see
it What does it mean, dear?"
‘ Why, a canard is something one
canardlv believe, of course’"
"Oh. to be sure.’ Why couldn’t I
thick of that ”’
Only To Be Expected.
T HE OPTIMIST—I hesr Brown
smith is going to he married.
The Pessimist Serves him right
1 never did like that fellow
Too Honest.
4,C1R. said the office boy to his
employer, as you know very
well that my family is in perfect
health. I ask you to let me off this
afternoon to go to the ball game
"Young man." replied the boss,
you are entirely too honest. I have
ray suspicions of you You are fired '
Proceedings Stopped
<*yOt’R husband is willing to al-
I low you the custody of the an-
tomobil \ the poodle and the rubber
plant, while he lakes the children
aud the graphophone
Stop the divorce," sobbed the
wife ‘I'll never get another hus
band like that.
IMPOSSIBLE
By F S. JACOBS
If Cubist art in oils and hues
Is really what it seems,
Why should such work in word reviews
Be just poetic dreams?
PEACHTREE STREET
How Calm and Peaceful is the Din
With ivhich Peachtree Resounds;
A thousand Noises mingle in
To Deafen out ail Sounds.
The tvalks are strips of Listless Life
In Longing, Languid Clinch;
Such Crouds are gathered there in Strife,
No one can Budge an inch.
For those of Melancholy mind,
*Tis just the place to Go,
A High-geared auto from Behind
Soon Ends their tale of Woe.
'Tis thus that Peachtree street would be
Sweet toy in endless reams.
If Cubist art in poetry
Were really what it seems.
* peacemaker," explained the
prisoner.
"Rut you knocked the man sense
less, the magistrate pointed out.
“I did." was the answer. There
was no other way to get peace."
A Compliment.
J INGLE—De Courcy Smythe boasts
that he can trace his ancestry
back to the Normans.
Winkle—Well, the Normans are
dead, and they won’t mind.
Tough Life.
T HE late James R. Keene, himself
almost a Forty-niner.- used to
lell many a story about the char
acters of those days.
"It was difficult then." lie once
said, "to be a temperance man, for to
refuse to drink with a Forty-niner
was a worse offense than to kiss his
wife.
’ A Forty-niner, twirling his long
drooping mustache, said to a tender
foot in a barroom:
Have some red-eye with me?’
" Thank you. no,' said the tender
foot, a total abstainer, firmly.
"There was a tease silence in the
crowded bar. A pin could have been
heard to drop. Then the Forty-
niner reached back to his hip pocket
and said wiih a weary sigh:
" Can’t 1 even take a drink with
out killin' a man?'"
No Alternative.
A N anxious traveler in a street
car. with watch in hand, seeing
he had only a few minutes in which
to catch a train, said to the con
ductor; "Can’t you make any fast
er time than this?"
"Yes. answered the conductor. I
can. but I have to stay with the
car.”
The Present Time.
4 N American mother was trying
h. to instill in her 7-vear-old
daughter a spirit of patriotism while
they were traveling in Mexico.
“Doris,” she said, “this is George
Washington’s birthday!”
"Is it?” Doris queried indifferently.
Wliat'd he get?"
Got to Eat.
A CLERGYMAN met one of his
parishioners in a country lane
late one night.
"It's pretty damp for a man with
rheumatism to be prowling about at
night, eh, William?"
“Well, sir, I'm following the doc
tor’s advice."
“Why, did he tell you to be out at
night ?”
"Not exactly, sir, but he said ihai
1 needed chicken!”
The Last Word.
TTOTFOOT—Yes. sir; when we were
4* ambushed we got out without
losing a man, or a horse, or a gun.
or"
“A minute,” chimed in a small,
thin voice.
look For Men, Free
8,000 Words, 30 Illustrations
No Cabaret.
TSSIONARY—If you are about to
kill me. let me sing a hymn.
Cannibal—No, sir! No music with
meals in this place.
A Boast.
IVTISS D 1 can trace ray ancestors
back to the Reformation
Miss E.—That’s nothing: I can
trace mine back years and years be
fore they attempted to reform.
Business Pal.
Tt/T ESSENGER—-Who’s the swell ye
was talking to. Jimmie”
Newsboy—Aw! Him an' rat's
worked together for years. He's the
editor o' one o' my papers.
A Safe Bet.
A DURHAM farmer was traveling
to London to cofTsuit a lawyer,
when the fear struck him that he
had left certain important papers be
hind. He made a hurried search of
his bag.
If I did leave those papers." he
remarked. I’m a fool!"
I believe it'll turn out I'm a fool!
Just as he was examining the last
bundle of papers he exclaimed;
"Well. I'll bet I'm a fool!"
A man on the other side of the
compaitmcut lowered his newspaper
Misconstrued.
A N American motoring through a
tx small Scotch town was pulled up
for excessive speed
"Didn't you see that notice. Dead
Slow ? inquired the policeman
" 'Course I did." returned the
Yankee, "but I thought it referred
to your durned little town!”
Caution.
A HOY who had been absent from
school for several days re
turned with his throat carefully
swathed, and presented this note to
his teacher:
"Please don't let my son learn any
German to-day. His throat is so sore
he can hardly speak English."
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