Newspaper Page Text
TTEARST’R SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA„ RT'NDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1013.
7 E
Can You Explain It?
By T. E. POWERS,
the Famous Cartoonist
THIS
FEU.OW
NEVER DID
4N HONEST
DAYS WO Rk
IN HISLIFE-
Aho then he was
BRoke-
.c l
HI5 FATHER LEFT HIM
A, $1000.000, —
HICH HE BLEW A^DVNoulo HAVE BEEN BuBTt 0”
ISEtYouR'AUNf HASLCFt)/^ INTRATCA5E.
NSU A $ IOOOOOO /\ QlVE US A
x 1 BoTn-E
if mis<;aah6 father maphtdico amo left hi*
% 10,000,000
ft
But hisAunt sussy
DiEPaholeFT HIM A $ Iooo o»o
HE IS STUL TRYI N <;-TO 5PEMD
BUTTHE MONEY COAAFS I
Fastfrthah he can BLOW it
Whereas--
This chap
WORKS 18
Hours a DAY
ALL HIS LIFE
WHEN HE
HAD SAVED
uf$2oo
HE BOUQHT
MININQ
STOCK-
ANPTHEN
THE MINE
FAILED
AFTER TtH
YEARS HE
SAVED $100
WHICH HE
Played on
The red
AFTER ten
Tears
he inherited
<^500 -
Bur THE HEXTDAT a car with out a number
BUMPEP HIM IN THE NECK—
AND °F
COURSE |T
CANE BUCK
The c^ewtle mam
IS STILL WORK.INC,
ANP AFTER 6 MONTHS IN THE HOSPITAL,
THE DOCTOR, OOT IT
Cherry
Valley
Notes
Ocpyrljftt, 1*13, br Rtar Company.
Britain RlfkU RbmttH.
r,rmi
A FELLER told me this morn-
in' that ■ city feller who
wuz here ylsterday wuz the
nerviest one he ever seen. He wen*
Into Fuller’s umbrel store to we®
for a rain shower too pass over.
When we went to the picnic at
Sugar Grove Friday, I hed to carry
the water millon. When we got in
the car what runs frum the rail
road It wuz crowded and we hed
to stand up. A fat womln was
Jammed agin me. Purty soon ahe
sed, over her shoulder, "Take your
itomack out of my back, you old
Bint lock. My what a gtomack yon
bev got" Then she glv a heave
back and squashed the millon.
Ain't It fan to go to picnics?
Reran* ft rained at the union
picnic Thursday, all the young
folks wnz drlv to the pervllllon, and
to while erway the time they used
my black and white vest for a
checker board, ustn’ pins fer men.
I done moat of the jumpin'. Boms
of the gals must hev thought they
wuz drivln' bean poles Into the
ground, fer my chest looks like a
tender morsel at a muskeeter
picnic.
Rome skallawag sllpt In a
record, "Give Us Ernuther Drink,
Bartender,” at the grafatone enter
tainment at the church Saterday
evenin'. Deacon Neefe sprained
his knee hurrytn’ to git to the
thing to shet It oft.
Don't It make you maddern
thunder when yew be waitin' on
the depot platform for a train to
hev your wife try to make a hair
In your mustash lay down?
I went to one of them variety
shows when I wnz In the city last
week, and when a gal cum out with
her dress cut to nuthtn' at the top
and less at the bottum I Jest
couldn’t help feelln’ that she ought
to be carryln’ a umbrel or sum-
thin'.
Hobb Nelson got so plalgged mad
at a long woman's hat feather
that kept ticklin' him In the ear
when he wuz rldln’ In the bns to
the fair grounds that he bit the
<r
Swatting the
Fir Ha.
Only On«
Objection—
THE MORNING SMILE
Wex Jones, Editor
Vol. TI.
Oddities in
and That's
the One
Raised by
the Fly.
J
Atlanta, Sunday, September 14, 1913.
No. 40.
Life History
of the
American Clam
EDITOR'S NOTE: Out. ffoose-
cWf. after ru thing through
Africa, i* writing the “Ufa hie
lorV" of the African lion. Having
once eaten an eeteamed dam ICC
arc emboldened to tell all about
the animtle-
vX my previous book, "American
| Game Trails,'' I did not refer
to the clam, for the suf-.
Sclent reason that It is Impossible
to trail a clam ss the clam leaves
no trail. Had this magnificent
specimen of our native fauna
been equipped with feet, It would
doubtless leave footprints, and
enough footprints form a trait.
However, It la useises to discuss
what might have been
The clam Is easily the most
dangerous of our native big game.
The grizzly la a cream puff be
side the clam, whose ferocity Is
equalled only by his activity. Any
hunter who has ever faced the
whirlwind charge of a slightly
wounded sum will never forget
It.
(To be continued.)
OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT.
Don't run for may"' ’f you
A RDSLEY man named Flana
gan changed his name to
Fowler because the kids
used to shout after him. “Oh. Mr.
Flanagan, won’t v< rush the can
again? Now the kids ghout. “Oh,
Mr Fowler, won’t you rush the
growler?”
Labor-saving device: Canary in
family of Ihomas Edison has in
vented machine for shelling bird
seed
StabrigiU hbhennau c&ugiit a
the News
big horse mackerel In his net
He is now hunting for a mackerel
horse to make a team.
Hay fever.
Annoyed by the barking of a
dog, a Marietta man moved to
farm Here the chirping of the
crickets kept him awake at night.
Then he moved to a house boat,
but the chatter of the clams drove
him back to land Now- he thlnl.s
of asking a whale to swallow
him.
IN THE SMILE'S
LETTER BOX
STORIES.
O THE EDITOR—Is there
such a thing as a new
story?
VINCENT BREESE.
(We have,
heard a lot of :
stories, but never
a new one.—Ed.)
BIG GAME.
TO THE EDITOR—Where Is
the easiest place to find a buf
falo? CITRON JOHN.
(On a buffalo
nickel—Ed.)
A GOAK.
TO THE EDITOR—Here Is a
good one for you. A man who Is
fond of going to bed early has
the "hay fever.” Get it?
P. URCELL
NOBODY.
TO THE EDITOR—Who in
vents tbe new stories and Jokes?
R. T. 8YMTH.
Book Reviews.
By a Literary Expert
THE FOLLIES OF F ENEL LA.
A nice book with a picture on the
cover.
SALSOMINE This book has
217 pages.
IN SIBERIA. Consists of 2
covers enclosing numerous pages
of print.
Our Own Lecture Course
A New Lecture
Every Once
in a While.
»
<»teW Britain lUgfeta
"That’s all there Is to It, I say, and yet—what has It accomplished?
What can It accomplish? Wbat Is there in this wide world that It cannot
accomplish?
. CopyUakt, ISIS, bj tb. Star Owspsoj
The World's Greatest Mechanical Device—
THE HAIRPIN!
By PROF. W HEELZON COGGS.
j ^w THANK you, I—I-—that’s better, one cannot talk amid such deafen-
I ing applause. My subject to-night concerns the world's greatest
* mechanical device. Jubal Invented the wheel by accident—be
drank too much wine and his head went ’round and ’round.
"Since then we have had other Inventions, such as steam engines and
can openers, cotton gins and gin rickeys, steam derricks and slit skirts,
and, I might go on enumerating them half the evening.
"There Is the tslklng machine—mine Is at home with the children, she
didn't feel like going out tonight—but of all the mechanical Inventions
none can compare with the hairpin!
"I come here prepared to prove thle statement. There are some who
may believe the typesetting machine or the travelling crane or the automo
bile Is a greater mechanical device than the hairpin. But not so!
"The travelling crane needs a steam engine and seven men to operate
it. The typesetting machine needs a gas stove and a profane man In his
shirt sleeves with a cob pipe and a hunch of copy to operate It.
"An automobile Is made up of some three thousands parts, and they are
frequently parting, while it needs eight cents' worth of gasoline, which
may be Rccured for 25 cents, and either a chauffeur or a human being to
operate It.
"And so It goes. Think of the common, ordinary mechanical device.
Think of the sewing machine and the dollar watch. Who can stop one or
run the other? Consider the great cloth weaving looms, If something
were to break In one of them it would take a man two days to pick up the
variolis parts that fall out!
"But the hairpin!
"There are no parts to get out of order! Consider for a moment the
marvelous mind that conceived this wonderful piece of mechanism! Only
one part in the entire machine! The inventor started with a bit of wire,
ran It along a couple Inobes, then turned It around and ran It back again
That’s all there Is to 1L
"Can you unlock s door or try a cake in the oven to see if It is done,
with an automobile? You know you cannot—there's no use arguing that
point. But you can do these things with a hairpin.
"Can you button a glove or a shoe, or clean a pipe, or fish s dime out
of a crack In the floor, or rob baby’s hank, or fasten on your suspenders
with s typesetting maohlne or a cash register or a travelling crane or a
locomotive. Of course not, hut you can do those things with a hairpin.
"Think of It—a mechanical device consisting of only one part, no
extra parts to replace, no spark plug, or inner tubes, or extra driving rods,
or flre-box linings, or fly-wheels, or pulleys, or broken sprocket wheels to
replace In the hairpin. It Is all there always, and yet see what It will do.
"You can bond It up and catch llsh with It; you can pry off the top
of a milk bottle with it; you can pick the putty out of the gas Jet that as
economical landlady Jabbed in with it; you can fasten a window catch or
a door lock with it; you can mend baby's toy cart with it; you can clean
a fountain pen with It; you can—-in short, Is there anything you cannot
do with It?
"What's that? Speak louder, please! A gentleman In the audience
says yon cannot weave with it. He is a cloth manufacturer and peeved
at what I Just said about looms. Did anyone In this audience ever make
a little arrangement out of a spool and hairpins and knit worsted play-
horse reins? Thanks—thanks—thanks—that will do, I see nearly every
one in the audience has done that.
"I say there is nothing you cannot do with the aid of a hairpin. There
Is no other mechanical device that approaches It. First, It Is not com
plicated, second, there are no parts to break and lose; third, It doe# not
run down; fourth, It does not, need oiling; fifth. It Is cheap; sixth, 1t Is
not taxable; seventh, a child can operate It; eighth. It needs no fuel to
operate It.
"Why, ladles and gentlemen, ae perfect Is the hairpin as a mechanical
device that a woman may even keep her hair In place with It!
"I thank you.”
The Worst Jokes of the Week
c
DON'T BLAME US.
-Bait.
1912, by tfce §ta«- iVnpuj.
( Y / HERE'S your pa, boy?”
W/ 'He took an empty jug and went out to bring home a little
bird."
"The Idea! What kind of a bird?"
"Well, he said, 'Find me that two-quart Jug, Sammy, and I'll bring
home a little linnet,' ■’
Grwt Britain Ugfefs Rmmi ■ •'
SOME ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS.
DTYOWN in the cellar, dark, remote.
■*"' In stately grandeur stood the goat.
Spied Johnnie’s moving pic, machine.
And ate It all besides the screen.
Remarked he then to Tige the Pup.
"These moving pictures film me up.”
WE TOOK EM AS THEY CAME.
((TKTHERE'S y#r boy Dinny now?"
"It’s working out in Battle Creek he la, making breakfast food In
a mush factory.”
“Go wan. Wliui dove tb' like# av klm know about, muab-iuury ? H
THIS ONE, FOR INSTANCE
((rnHAT new aute horn of yours la the worst ever I heard,” said Mlggs
to Snlggs. "It gives me an earache every time I listen to It.”
“Never mind a little thing like that,” responded Snlggs, oheerlly, "rw-
member that Mil oaks from Uttie ache horns grow,”