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THE LINCOLNTON NEWS
.Volume ix. number 4.
THE GREAT SOUTH AwrERTQ AW
NERVINE TONIC
AND
Stomach^Liver Cure
Tlie Most Astonishing Medical Discovery oi
the Last One Hundred Years. “
{J I Peasant ,
s to the Taste as the Sweetest Nectar.)
It Is Safe and Harmless as the Purest Milk.
This wonderful Nervine Tonic has only recently been introduced into
tins . country by the Great South
4 fo°„ American Medicine Company, and vet its
{Pf itants . v 01 South ^ a America, ? urat ! ve a who & ont rely has almost long been wholly known by its the native medicinal inhab¬
powers to cure every of disease by which they upon great
lOrrn arc overtaken.
7 13 ,® e w and valuable South American medicine possesses powers and
qualities ,. . hitherto . unknown to the medical profession. This
completely solved the problem of the medicine has
Complaint, cure of Indigestion, Dyspepsia, Liver
and diseases of the general Nervous System. It also cures ali
forms of foiling health from whatever cause. It performs this by the Great
Nervine Tome qualities which it possesses and by its great curative powers
upon the digestive organs, tho stomach, the liver and the bowels. No remedy
compares with this wonderfully valuable Nervine Tonic as a builder and
strengthener of the life forces of the human body and as a great renewer of
a broken down constitution. It is also of more real permanent value in tho
treatment and cure of diseases of the Lungs than any ten consumption rein
ernes ever used on this continent. It is a marvelous cure for nervousness
of females oi ail ages. Ladies who are approaching the critical period known
as change m life, should not foil to use this great Nervine Tonic almost
constantly for the space of two or three years. It will carry them safely
over the danger. This great strengthener and curative is of inestimable
value to the aged and infirm, because its great energizing properties will
give them a new hold on life. It will add ten or fifteen years to the lives oC
many of those who will use a halt _ dozen bottles of the remedy each year.
CURES
Nervousness and Broken Constitution,
Nervous Prostration, Debility of Old Age,
Nervous Headache and Indigestion and Dyspepsia,
Sick. Headache, Heartburn and Sour Stomach,
Female Weakness, Weight and Tenderness in Stomach,
All Diseases of Women, Loss of Appetite,
Nervous Chills, Frightful Dreams,
Nervous Paralysis, Paroxysms Dizziness and Ringing in the Ears,
and Weakness of Extremities and'
Nervous Choking Fainting,
Ilot Flashes, Impure and Impoverished Blood,
Palpitation Mental Despondency, of the Heart, Boils and Carbuncles,
Sleeplessness, Scrofula, Scrofulous Swelling >
Si. Vitus’s Dance, and Ulcers,
Nervousness of Females, Catarrh Consumption of the of Lungs, the Lungs,
Nervousness of Old Age, Bronchitis and Clurinic Cough,
Neuralgia, Pains Liver Complaint,
in tho Heart, Chronic Diarrhoea, •**
Pains in the Back, Delicate and Scrofulous Children,
Failing Health. Summer Complaint of InfantsT
All these and many other complaints cured by this wonderful Nervine Tonic.
NERVOUS DISEASES.
As a cure for every class of Nervous Diseases, no remedy has been able
to compare with the Nervine Tonic, which ia very pleasant and harmless in
all its effects upon the youngest child or the oldest and most delicate individ¬
ual. Nine-tenths of all the ailments to which the human family'is heir, are
dependent insufficient on nervous exhaustion and impaired digestion. When there is an
the brain, spinal supply of nerve and food in the blood, a general state of nerves,'like debility of
marrow nerves is the result. Starved
starved muscles, become strong when the right kind of food is supplied, and
a thousand weaknesses and ailments disappear as the neryes recover. As the
nervous body system carried must supply it is the ail first the power by which the vital forces of the
are on, to suffer for want of perfect nutrition.
Ordinary food does not contain a sufficient quantity of the kind of nutriment
necessary the to repair For the wear our present mode of living and labor imposes
upon nerves. this reason it becomes necessary that a nerfie food be
supplied. found, by This recent production of the South American Continent has been
is formed. analysis, to contain the essential elements out of which nerve tissue
This accounts for its magic power to cure all forms of nervoua
Ckawfordsyille, Ikd , Aug. 20, ’86.
To the Great South American Afedieine Co .;
Dear Gents .—I desire to say to you that I
have suffered for Diany years with a very seri
ous disease ol the stomach aiid nerves. I tried
every medicine I could hear of but nothing
done me any appreciable good until I was ad-.
vised to try your Great South American Nervine
Tonic and Stomach and Liver Cure, and since
surprised using several bottles of it I must say that I am
at its wonderful powers to cure the
fitomach and general nervous system. If every¬
one knew the value of this remedy as I do, you
would r ot be able to supply the demand.
J. A. Hardee,
Ex-Treas. Montgomery Co.
A SWORN CURE FOR ST. VITUS’S DANCE OR CHOREA.
CnAWFOKDKVILLE, IND., May 19,1886. af¬
flicted My daughter, for several twelve months years with old, Chorea had Been St.
or
Vitus’s Dance. She was reduced to a skeleton,
could not walk, could milk. not I talk, had could not swal¬ her
low anything but to handle
like an iufaut. Doctor and neighbors gave her
up. I commenced giving her the South Ameri¬
can Nervine Tonic: the effects were very sur¬
prising. In three days she was rid of the ner¬
vousness. her and completely. rapidly improved. I think Four bottles South
cured grandest the
American Nervine the remedy ever
discovered, and would Mbs. recommend W. S. Ensminoek. it to every¬
one. 1
State Montgomery of Indiana, County ss:
fjubseribed. and ,) to before this Kay
sworn mo
19,1887, Ciias. M. THAYI3, Notary Public.
INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.
The Great South American Nervine Tonic
Which we now offer of you, Indigestion, is the only Dy absolutely unfailing remedy ever discov¬
ered for the cure rpepsia, and the vast train of symptoms
and horrors which are the result of disease and debility of the human stom¬
ach. No person can afford to pass oy this jewel of incalculable value who ia
affected by disease of tho Stomach, because tho experience and testimony of
thousands go to prove that this is the one and only one great euro in the
world for this universal destroyer. There ia no case of unmalignant discass
of the stomach which can resist tho wonderful curativo powers of the South
American Nervine Tonic.
Harriet E. Hall, of Wayuetown. Ind., says:
“I owe my life to 1 he Grea. South American
Nervine. I had been in bed for flvo months
from the effects of an exhausted Stomach, In
digestion, Nervous Prostration and a general
shattered condition of my whole system. Ilatl
••civcn up all hopes of getting well. Had tried
three doctors with no relief. The first bottle of I
the Nervino Tonic improved and me few so bottles much cured that
was able to walk believo about, it the a best medicine i
me entirely. I it highly.’ n
the world. I can not recommend too
Mrs. M. Russell, uscrl Sugar several Creek bottles Valley, of Ind., Tho
writes: “I have will I
South American. Nervino medicine Tonic, and tho world. say 1
consider it the best in
believe it saved the lives of t wo of my childrens
They were down and I nothing procured appeared this remedy. to y)
them any good until how rapidly they both
It Improved Was very surprising its I recommend Uio medi¬
on use.
EVERY BOTTLE WARRANTED.
Price, Large IS ounce Bottles, $1.23. Trial Size, 1^ - vta
GROVER.^& (V MITCHELL.
r
Bole "Wholesale and Ifttaii pealers /or Lincoln
DEVOTED TO THE INTEREST OF LI IN COL IV COUNTY.
Mr. Golomon Bond, a member of the Society
of Friends, of Darlington, Ind., says: “I have
used twelve bottles of The Great South Ameri¬
can Nervine Tonic and Stomach and Liver Cure,
and I consider that every bottle did for me ono
hundred dollars worth of good, because I have
not had a good night’s sleep for twenty years
on account of irritation, pain, horrible dreams,
and general nervous prostration, which has
been Caused by chronic indigestion and dys¬
condition pepsia of the of stomach and by a broken down
lie down and my sleep nervous all night system. But now I can
and I feel like sound as sweetly 1 do as a think babv,
a man. not
there has ever been a medicine introduced into
this country which will at all compare with
this Nervine Tonic as v, cure for the stomach.”
Crawfordstole, Ind., June 22,1887.
My daughter, eleven years old, was severely
afflicted with St. Vitus’s Dance or Chorea. We
gave her three and one-half bottles of South
American Nervine and sho is completely re¬
stored. I believe it will cure every case of St.
Vitus's Dance. I have kept it in my family for
two years, and am sure it is tho greatest rem¬
edy in the world for Indigestion and Dyspep¬ Failing
sia, all forms of Nervous Disorders and
Health from whatever cause.
John T. Mish.
State of Indiana, | ss:
Subscribed Montgomery aud County, to before this June
sworn mo
22,1887. Cuas. \V. Wright,
Notary Public.
Mrs. Ella A. Eratton, of Now Ross, Indiana,
says: ‘‘1 can not express how much I owe to .ho
Nervine Tonic. My system was completely
spitting shattered, appetite gone, was coughing an i
stagc3 of up blood; am sure I was in tho firs, 1 ,
down through consumption, several an generations. inheritance I handed began
taking for the Nervine Tonic and continued Us
use about six months, and am entirely
cured. It i3 tho grandest remedy tor nerves,
stomach and lungs 1 have ever seen.
-
Ed. J. Brown, Druggist, of Edina, Mo., writes:
“lay health had been very poor for years, was
co when ughing I commenced severely. I only using weighed South 119 American pounds
Nervine. weigh I have used two bottles and now
130 pounds, and am much stronger and
better than have been for five years. Am su re
would not have lived through the Winter hud
X not secured this remedy. My customers see
what it has done for me and buy it eagerly.
It gives great satisfaction.”
LINCOLNTON, GEORGIA, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21. 1890.
BEAR a»d forbear.
Be careful, ye whose wedded hearts
Are lovingly united;
Be heedful, lest an enemy
Steal on you uninvited!
A little, wily, serpent form.
With graceful, luring po3C3;
Or, coming in a diffrent guise,
A thorn among the roses!
Be careful, ye whose marriage-bells
Now merrily are ringing;
Be heedful of the bitter word,
The answer keen and stinging—
The shart retort, the angry eve
Its vivid lightning flashing;'
The rock on which so many hopes
Are daiiy, hourly dashing!
‘‘.Bear and forbear’-the only way
To tread life’s paths together.
Then come, and welcome, shining sun,
Or come, dark cloudy weather:
Two wedded hearts conjoined in one
That cannot live asunder!
Iaa* e put love’s golden armor on—
Oh, world, look on and wonder!
Mrs . M. A. Kidder.
The Quicksands of Toro.
BY CHARLES HOWARD SHINN.
The story properly begins at midnight,
on the San Luis, Obispo cqast/ California,
twenty years ago, when the September
moonlight shone down ufffm Stoner's
cattle ranch, near the Pacific Ocean, in
the rugged Santa Lucia Mountains '
Stoner had been a Texan Ranger, and
could hold his own extrSinely well in
that rough frontier communitv. He had
earned off a pretty Spanishwife from
the Chihuahua region years before, had
brought her to the rocky Californian
coast, and had purchased a seder's
claim and an old adobe house built by a
Spanish hidalgo half a century ago. 3
Here he farmed, raised cattle on the
unused Government lands, and kept a
sort of rude hotel; for several mountain
trails joined at that point the broad
highway which led from the county seat,
twenty miles south, to the northern___ set
tlements in the pineries. He had five
daughters, too, the youngest, Theresa,
known as lessa, a girl of seventeen/
That aaded to the attraction, and almost
every night the dark-eyed, half-Spanish
giris sang and .danced, and old Stoner
managed to hear all the news that was
afloat, and somehow, most of the loose
coin of the region ultimately found its
way into his pockets. He was a deep
one, that same Ephraim Stoner, quiet,
sly and patient, secret in his methods,
deadly in his blow.
Stoner’s wife and his four elder daugh¬
ters were uneducated and in
subjection to his will, But Tessa bad
more brains and energy than all the oth¬
ers put together, and quite as much
beauty, so that the old Texan Ranger
tcok a certain pride in her, and had even
allowed her to attend a distant school
for two years.
this midnight, when, as I have said,
the story begins, a person of a prying
disposition might, have discovered ’ sev
era! interesting performances in progress
around the Stoner abode. On the north
side of the house, quite in the shadow,
Tessa was leaning from her window,
conversing in low tones with a blond,
fail-haired and sturdy young man on
horseback.
“Tom, you do not know my father.
He is not the careless, warm-hearted man
you suppose. I must admire his ability,
but that is all. I warn you, Tom, there
never be was where a more dangerous man. He
may he hears every word you
say, but if he is, he will not speak to
you or to me about it. But if he knew
that you cared for me he would be your
enemy. He has other plans for me. He
wants me to marry for money.”
Tom Warren had once been a school¬
teacher in the mountain district, miles
away, where Tessa had been one of his
pupils. Thrown upon his own resources
from his childhood, he had developed
strong, earnest character, and was already
so popular in the county that he had just
been elected sheriff, although the young¬
est man ou the ticket.
While Tessa and her lover w F ere talk¬
ing, a sceue of a far different nature was
been enacted on the south side of tho old
adobe, which overlooked a deep ravine,
and a camp of five or six men ia a field
below, For several years these men had
spent their summers there, ostensibly
hunting, fishing and exploring the coun
try with their dogs and guns. Everyone
knew them, and most persons liked them.
Tessa did not.
Stoner, though it was midnight, sat iu
the moonlight oa an old rawhide chair,
outside the door, smoking his pipe aud
meditating—a tough, sinewy, grizzled
night-owl of a man.
“That chuckle-head at the camp ought
to have reported before now,” he thought
to himself, as he smoked.
A man came out of the brush aud spoke
.deferentially!
“Capt’n, good-eveuin’.”
.“You’re late.”
“Dick was shot.”
“Well?”
“Just as the driver throwed off the
box. Shot by a passenger in the neck
and shoulder.”
“lie mustn't stay here to get us into
trouble. Take a boat and carry him to
the Point, and leave him in the cave
thffre.”
“Yes, capt'n.”
“How much was aboard?”
“About two thousand dollars for the
Josephine miners.”
“Send it over the cliff before morning,
and I’ll divide it up soon. But you be
extra careful; that new sheriff is a smart
one.”
‘ AH right, capt’n,” and the man went
back to the camp.
A moment jatgjy jag*- as -Stoner war
going iutfblfiij house, thgre was the slow
JjMi&td the a young horse’s sheriff, hoofs, and rode Tom down War¬ the
ren,
trail, around the corqer of the old abode
building, into the main county feist road that,
lay to the Weft. He bad at yielded
to Tessa's entreaties to “Go, go, this
mimite, Tom.” . ~ ■ v . -
J^p^^stoMr was, fee fciuut
+
“Where did you come from, sheriff!
Anything op in this pert of the coun
07? ’ -
“Oh. no; not a particle. I ve been
Visiting my old school in,the mountains,
and took the short trail home, down
Cayucos.” /
This was plausible enough, for there
was a blind trail that entered the canon
just east of the angle of tbehouse. Stoner
felt a little relieved.
“Won't ye put up, and stay with us
all night?”
“No, Mr. Stoner, I must go down to
Kestrel to see friend# there. It's only an
,,,, ^ at ®tout fc-Lows „ bought to Stoner. sher
use as
1 .s deputies there. . He has probably
stumbled on traces, and is going for
,
lelp. lie sat and smoked, and slipped
his hand back under his coat. ’-Easy to
stroot the fellow,” he said to himself.
M ell, good-bye, Staorr, said II ar
ren suddenly; “I ^suppose the beach
road is as good as ever?’ -
• j erfeet.y safe, only when you cross
T 010 Greek, keep on thy sandbar. It s
as hard as iron. I erased there to-day.”
“Thank you. Aches/’
Simple, smiling speech, those words
of Stoners, and yet the? were intended
to send Warren to riisrifleath more surely
and safely than by bullet of pistol or pel¬
let of secret poison. 4.
Stoner took an extra- swig of brandy
and went to his rest. Wapen rede down
the rugged hill to the,hot tom of the ra¬
vine, then turned seaward, and at last
the wide gulch opened broadly to the
shore of the Pacific. ; ,
The cliffs were from fifty to three hun¬
dred feet high, and full oi wave-worn
caves. Warren drew iein on the beach,
and for fully ten minutes watched the
ocean sway and rise, His thoughts
throbbed with di earns of Tessa. He
would take her away’from her narrow
and hurtful surroundings. He would
lift her into happier and better circum¬
stances. He would force Stoner’s con
sent, marry her, and make her happy.
lie rode rapidly south, and in half an
hour the mouth of the Toro appeared, in
the midst of saud-dunesfbreakera rolling
in, and the steady river flowing out.
Here was the long sauffbar, tea feet
wide, and stretching across hardly an
inch higher than the watery surface. "
Warren was beginning to have some
suspicions of Stouer, but not such as to
lead him to doubt the simple directions
he had received. The sand-bar looked
safe, but within a few days the sea, as
Stoner knew, had swept it mightily, torn
out the long-compacted bar, aDd placed
instead a quivering mass of quicksand,
so treacherous that not even a light
footed b«
ing swallowed up and dragged bodily
down. Warren rodeswiftlyforward; he
had crossed sandbars hundreds of times.
Some horses woufij have been wiser, but
the animal he rode had been bred in the
valley.
The approach to the bar was hard for
a few rods as he galloped oa. Suddenly,
in one heart breaking, breathless de¬
scent, noiseless but unutterably dread¬
ful, Tom Warren’s horse went down,
down; and the soft, slimy sand came up
to his mane. He shrieked out that
ghastly cry of appeal and agony that a
deperate, dying horse will sometimes
utter.
Tom knew the peril. He had thrown
his feet from the stirrups and drawn
them up at the first downward throb,
but the sand began to grasp him also,
Ile threw himself fiat on his breast and
tore himself loose from the poor animal,
over whose back the mingled sand and
water were running, as it rolled from
side to side in ineffectual struggles to es¬
cape.
Tom spread himself out over as much
surface as possible, but slowlv, resistless
ly, the mightv force drew him down
ward. The hard beach was only ten
feet distant, but practically the chasm
was impassable. He felt, his horse sink
out of sight; the sand gripped his owu
knees and arms, his thighs aud shoul¬
ders. Two inches more and the end by
suffocation was inevitable. Up to this
time he had not shouted: only his horse's
wild death scream had told of the
tragedy. What was the use? Who would
be passing along that lonely road? Then
he thought of Tessa, and of life, He
raised his voice in a clear, strong shout
for help, again and again deep repeated.
Far off, along the ravine, came a
cry iu response, and a horse’s hurrying
feet; and hope awoke in his heart. The
margin of life was five minutes now—
not longer. Faster, faster, oh, fearless
rider.
“Tom, where are you?"
“Here, Tessa; don’t coma too near."
But the mountain girl knew the dan¬
ger. Creeping down-stairs for a drink
of water she had heard her father’s
words to Warren, had thrown a shawl
about her shoulders and run ro the pas¬
ture. Then she caught her pet horse,
sprang upon his unsaddled back, seized
a riata as she passed the stable, and gal¬
loped at the utmost speed down the
ravine, hoping against hope, for many
minutes had necessarily elapsed since
Warren started.
She sprang to the ground and tossed
the rawhide rope to the one arm he held
above the sand. She folded her shawl
and put it over her horse's shoulders, and
tied the riata around like a collar. Then
she led him slowly away from the quick¬
sands, and Warren thought his arm would
break; but slowly, reluctantly, painfully,
the saud gave up its prey.
“Your father lold me to take this
road, Tessa,” said the young sheriff.
“Yes, I know that, and I heard one of
the men tell him to-day that the bar was
swept out.” |silence
There vest a long between
them.
“Tessa, go with ipa t0 San Luis,” said
Warreu, “aud let us ba married.”
And Tessa’ went.
Old Stoner heard the news a few days
later. Within' au hour he had “retired
front business'.” The eamt> was broken
up, the flashed hunters disappeared, intervals all night- mysterious
lights at from
the points of himself the cliff, disappeared, and the next day
old Stoner leaving
j hit family, the ranch, and the live stock,-
It was said that he male the Lest of
way to Mexico, and finally to
America. The world is large as yet,
j j good men who deal have of it money without can ramble finding over
a
j they wish to escape from. But
I lives in her San Luis, Obispo,
J with orange-trees the porch, over and it, she and thinks La
j roses on
: self the happiest woman in
j Belford's Magazine.
Poison in Tea.
The cablegram from London
that 100 persons had been poisoned
1 tea, agd several fatally, furnished a
of conversation to many tea drinkers
this city. Several of the leading tea
| porters were interviewed on the
by# Chronicle reporter,
“How can a person be poisoned
drinking tea?” was the first
asked.
: : “With absolute 1 tea and clean
j teapot,” said / pare a
a prominent dealer,
: cannot be poisoned. The danger
j come from some chemical impurity in the
i tea or the pot. The Prussian blue U 3 ed
j t0 color dark gTeeu teas is known c’nemi
j 1 caliy as cyanide of iron, and taken in
sufficient quantities is a deadly poison,
; Most teapots are not made of block tin,
but of sheet iron coated with tin. Every
housekeeper knows that if strong tea
3tands any length of time the interior of
the pot becomes a deep yellow. This is
caused by the coloring matter of the tea
or tannic acid acting chemically on the
iron body of the pot. If the
had a quantity of low grade tea colored
with Prussian blue, and having
the tea and allowed it to stand in such
pot, a chemical reaction would take place,
in which the Prussian blue, the tannic
acid and the iron of the pot would be
combined, resulting in the formation of
a^ioisonous sort of irou.
“Small quantities of this substance
would not cause death, but if the
were highly colored and of cheap
and the infusion had been allowed
stand a long time, it would form a
tion very sickening and fatal to
constitutions. To prevent poisoning
tea drinkers have taken to the use of un
colored teas, but the fact remains th3t
large proportion of low-priced teas sold
as uncolored are really as much
as ever. With damp teas the lead lining
of the chests produces poisonous salts,
which are absorbed by the tea. So
jurious have these brands of tea some¬
times proved that the Russian and Ger¬
man Governments prohibit the importa¬
tion of teas in lead lined boxes, Many
of the most advanced tea dealers are
seeking to avoid the use of chests lined
with lead. Some of the San Francisco
dealers Have Invented tea chests in which
lead is not used.” —San Francesco Chron¬
icle.
The Terrible Loco Weed.
The loco weed oi the Western plains
is to vegetation what the rattlesnake is
to animal life. The name comes from
the Spanish and signifies insanity. It is
a dusky green and grows in small
bunches or handfuls and scatters itself in
a sparse and meague way about the coun¬
try. It is in sort a vegetable nomad and
travels about not a little. Localities
where it this season flourishes in abun
dance ip a ? n °t see any of it next year,
nor indeed for a number of years to
come. The prime property of the loco is
to induce insanity in men or animals
who partake of it. Animats—mules,
horses, sheep and cattee—avoid it natur
ally and under ordinary circumstances
never touch it. But in the winter, when
an inch or two of snow has covered the
grass, these green bunches of loco stand¬
ing clear above the snow are tempting
baits to animals who are going abcut half
starved at the best. Even then it is not
comranQ ^ or them to eat it. Still, some
do 3nd u at once creates an appetite in
the victim similar in its intense force to
the alcohol habit iu mankind. Once
started on the downward path of loco a
mule will abandon all other forms of food
and look for it. Ia a short time its ef
feets become perfectly apparent. You
will see a locoed mule standing out on
the shadowless plains with not a living
moving thing in his vicinity. HU head
drooping and his eyes half closed. Oa
the instant he will kick and thresh out
his heels in the most warlike way. Un¬
der the influence of loco he sees himself
surrounded by multitudes of threatening
ghosts and is repelling them. The mind
of the animal is completely gone,. He
cannot be driven or worked because of
his utter lack of reason. He will go
right or left or turn around ia the har¬
ness in spite of bits or whip, or will fait
to start or stop, and all in a vacant, idi¬
otic way devoid of malice. The victim
becomes as thin physically as mentally,
aud after retrograding four or five
months at last dies, the most complete
wreck on record. Many gruesome tale3
are furnished of cruel Spanish and Mexi¬
can ladies who, in a jealous fit, have lo¬
coed their American admirers through
the mediqm of loco tea. Two or three
cases in kind are reported iu tho Texas
lunatic asylum .—Kansas City Star.
Andy Johnsoa's Sententious Reply.
Just after Andy Johnson had vacated
the Presidential chair the managers of
the Simpson County (Ky.) Agricultural
.and Mechanical Association decided that
it would be a great advertisement to
have the old gentleman attend the fair.
“lVe don't care for him on Saturday,”
said tho manager* “ior oa that day we
shall have a pretty big crowd anyhow.
Wednesday will be the day. I will write
the cx-President.”
The following letter was seat to Mr.
Johnsoa:
“Grbaj Sir—T he people of the'won¬
derful county of Simpsoa feeling a great
interest have in one decided of America’s most gifted
sous to invite you to be
present qj; our fair grounds on Wednes¬
day, the fifth of October, w^iere they wish
to shake your hjtnd. Please let me know
by return mail.”
He let foem know by return mail.
The old gentleman turned the letter over
and sent the following:
“I am no menagerie.
“A. Johnson.”
— Chicago Herald,
BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
Cupid at the Auction—Watching
Pennies—A Souvenir—Inhuman
Treatment—Human Xa
t urc. Etc , Etc.
CUPID AT THE AUCTION.
Prince Sanson—“And now,
will you name the day?”
Miss Bond—“TVell, let us say the
—with three days of grace.”—
Weekly.
HUMAN NATURE.
Mother—“Don't you know that it L
naughty to hurt the cat?”
Clair—“Yes'm.”
Mother—“Then, why do you do it?”
Clair—“Duuno; cos it's nanghty, I
guess. ’’— Racket.
WATCHER} THE PENNIES.
Cuthaai & Fitham's New Bookkeeper
—“Shall I send this bill around to Mr.
Wareham's house, sir?”
Fitham—“H’m.' no; there’s no use
wasting postage. Wait till he calls for
something more.”— Pack.
HE FINDS TEEM 700.
“Jaysraith is a regular antiquarian.
He has been married three times, and
each time to a widow.”
“How does that show him to be an
antiquarian?”
“Well, he's a relict-hunter.”— Judge.
INHUMAN TREATMEAT.
“Ana don’t yon feel terribly the dis
grace of being sent to prison?” asked the
visitor.
“No, ma'am,” returned the ex-tramp.
“It ain’t the disgrace o’ bein' sent, but
its the work that’s eatin’ my heart
away.”— Tori ’
Sun.
LIKED HIM, PEEHAPS.
“One thing about me,” said the
girl, “is that I'm no fault finder. I
ways try to take things as they come.”
“Hum! Well, that’s somewhat
ter. Our last girl used to stop the
livery man and take ’em before they
here. ”—Washington Post.
a comprehensive eeplt.
School Teacher-" Johnny, what
the word meter mean?”
Johnny—“A measure.”
School Teacher—“Now, Johnny,
Uo they measure with the meter?”
Johnny—“Gas, electricity, water and
poetry. ”•—Harper s Bazar.
a souvenir. .
“I wish you’d give ma that dog.
Major.”
“Why, I thought you didn't like
him?”
“Neither I do. If you'll give him to
me I’ll shoot him and send you a lock of
his tail ."—'Harpers Bazar.
positive rr.ooF.
“I see you have given our finest suit of
rooms to a man named Bilkins, Are you
sure he can pay the rates?”
Clerk—“l'es; he’s immensely rich.”
Proprietor—“How do you know?”
Clerk—“He is old and ugly, and his
wife is youDg and pretty.”—Hem Tori
Weekly.
wasted sweetness.
“You see that girl over there—”
she began, when the other answered:
“Y’es, she lives opposite us. She’s deaf
and dumb, poor thing.”
“The idea. And there I sat behind
her ia the street car for four blocks and
made remarks about that dowdy hat
has on, all for nothing.”
WHY THEY FELT CUT UP.
“If you pleas:, Mr. Cashgoods,” said
the young saleswoman, “we have been
discussing the matter of salaries. And
wc find that the men are getting more
money for the same work than us girls.
And we think that is hardly just, J do
T
’
“I never looked at it in that light be
fore ” answered the merch-mt after a
little thought. “It shall be remedied
once. _ ___ I ll cut i j the i men , s salaries | • down j
”«*—*.»-^«-**
CHANGED HIS TUNE.
Lawyer—“Madam, I’m sorry tosay that
I don't see the ghost of a chance for you
to break your uncle's will.”
Woman—“Well, to be frank with
you, I don't see a ghost of a chance to
pay you for what you have already done
if the will isn't broken.”
Lawyer—“Oa second thought, mad¬
am, I think the will can be broken,”
WHAT FAT HAD UNDER HIS COAT.
Benevolent but Near-Sighted Employer
—“Patrick, what’s w that under your
coat? 1 ’
Pat (who is working tho growler)—
“I’m sorry to say it is a can, sir.”
Employer—“Great Scot, Patrick!
Stop work and go straight to the hos¬
pital!”— Munsey’s Weekly.
PRACTICE WHAT YOU l-REACH.
Merchant—“1 wish to insert an adver
tisement in the Morning Bugle."
Clerk—“Yes. sir." .
“Commenceliinthis \r%yg ‘PayCash,’
and puhJb.ooD words in large letters.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Aud 1 wish you’d trust for the
amount for a month or so.”— Yankee
Blade.
m associates for policemen, only.
“Henry!” cried Mrs, Von Toodles,
graspiug “Henry, hei somaolegt Ijnsband by the
ana. there are burglars in the
house! Get up and go down!”
Utter nonsense, my dear,” .^turned
Weary.^ social “ position ion wou.dn associating t .have a man of
my with burg
' vould S°n? You ajtopisk pie!”
Subscription: $1.19 It Unm.
A DESPERATE LAST CHAHCB.
“If you hypnotize a man, yon can
make him do anything you want
him to, can’t you?” asked Ethel.
“Yes, I believe so.”
“I’d like to hypnotize CholUe Hicks,
then.”
“Why?”
“This is my fourth season, and I’m
getting anxious.”— Harper’s Bazar,
TOO SCRUPULOUS.
Teacher —“Somebody has been Throw¬
ing paper behind my back. Mewes, can
yon tell me who it was?”
Mewes (who was the culprit himself)
—“I know who it was, but I hardly like
to tell.”
j Teacher—“A trifle too scrupulous,
I I perhaps, but it shows honorable feeling
on your pare. You may sit down.”_
1 Chicago Tribune.
MODERN SCIENCE.
“I suppose your son learned a lot at
that new-fangled Boston school?”
“Oh, yes. Henry stood at the head
of all his Classes in the sciences.”
“And what is he doing now—rest¬
ing?”
“Oh, dear, no. Henry is applying his
knowledge in perfecting a circular saw
for cutting trousers for bow-legged
men.”— Judge.
THE TOUCHSTONE of FEMALE BEAUTY.
A company of ladies and gentlemen
were playing at forfeits when a wag
proposed that all the rest should do as he
I did. He thereupon took a handkerchief,
dipped it in water, and began rubbing
| | bis faee.
“Now, all of you do the same,
j please!”
j At this the ladies, in a body, got up
; aad fled from the room .—Paris Figaro,
‘
-
ELOQUENT.
■ “Did you know that there is a laa
\ guage of perfumery?”
-No.”
;: Well, there-is. Heliotrope means ‘1
j love you,’ and white roses means ‘I am
! ’worthy of you. 1 •>
j ‘'What doss the absence of perfumery
mean—‘I have nothing to say?’ ”
j *'N°- It means ‘I haven’t a scent.’”
—Turk Herald.
A CLEAR CASE.
daggers —“What ever became oi
Penough s dog? You know it used to
j = iv * ““
Wiggler—“Oh! IFadrad.” , „
Jaggers-'-Did you ktii it? >
cid jF ter N °' 11 comraitteJ SUI ’
daggers—“Suicide! How?”
Wiggler—“It came over into my yard
while I was sitting here with a loaded
pistol.”— Munsey's Weekly.
EXCUSED THIS TIME.
Schoolmistress (with ominous look in
her eye)—“What made you so late,
Robert Reed?”
Robert—“Been fightin’.”
Schoolmistress (advancing furiously)—
“You have, eh?”
Robert—“Yes, ma’am. A boy sed
yer wuz ugly as home made sin an’ I jest
gave it to him.”
Schoolmistress—“Well, Bobby, dear,
I must pardon you this time, but control
your temper the best you can .”—Chicago
Heirs.
wasted eloquence.
“Matilda,” the young man said, nerv¬
ously, “what I am going to say may sur
prise you, but my feelings are leading
me intoxicated on. Encouraged by your kindness,
by your beauty and rendered
desperate by the conviction that the
! hours are fleeing away and that the fu
i ture can hold nothing for me worse than
I th8 bave suspense under which I now labor, I
I resolved to risk my fate on the cast
of the die.”
' He loosened his collar, coughed, and
' went ahead.
" 0t h sr men > Matilda mere
, uuttcrflie:i , . of fashl d *nceattend
! on ’
. L
j an " e u f. on 1S e “
i not , t0 the “ ! L! * e “ to the TOlce of f -
! ceredevotum! . , Other young men, tal
I ented ’ na Y ’ P^ b a “ce, young men pos
-
| sessed of wealth . abundance, seek
m may
j [ our 1 am “^ talented, Matilda,
I 1 am DOt handsome - ' 1 have not those
d eJicate little art8 that the aSection3
of . women. I T am not rich—
| i . XT , r „ . a rs
feet, “I regret to say, also, that you are
not in it 1”
Mr. Dennis withdrew front the compe¬
tition at once. He was clearly outclassed.
—Pittsburg Dispatch.
His Fortune of No Value.
Another instance oi the danger which
people incur who attempt to be their own
bankers has just come to light at Hildes
heim, in Germany. A peasant, in the
course of a long lifetime spent in hard
work, amassed a large sum of money.
He died recently, and his grandson dis¬
covered hidden in the bolster of his bed,
a thick i oil of crisp bank notes, which
on closer examination was found to bw
a surface valuation of several thoii.,^}.
thalers. The notes bore the w
form of the springing horse o
dom of Hanover and the
States of the German ■ T ‘
roll consisted of “vkscTeWs, at|13.50
and one-thal*’"
i ii ginen s E
beneatJ||, ,*
newspapS^| no g. _
c.a
Found a BoV
So A log cutter to<^|
Coifnty, cM hflHH
tree down when iinagin^B
He could not midqH
be striking in the tflH
feet thick. After the b<«B
as examination made a founfl)
§1000 in gold dust was
tie of the tree. It was probal
there many years ago by some
— Chicago Herald.