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♦ WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2008
4A
OPINION
Commitment with its fingers crossed
Life-long love means sacrificing for the needs of the other
I had a pretty annoying habit well
into my 20s. When someone
would invite me to do something
like meet for dinner on Saturday night,
I would say I could probably make it,
but wouldn’t actually commit so that
I could keep my options open in case
something more appealing came along.
Essentially I was saying (though never
verbally), “You’re the best offer I’ve got
- right now.” I was hedging my bets.
This came to mind some time back
when I saw a news report that Kansas
City Chiefs tight end Tony Gonzalez
was planning a “formal commitment
ceremony” with the girl he has dated
for the last few years. “We’re not sign
ing any papers,” he told a reporter,
“but I wanted the world to know that I
love her and want to spend my life with
her. I did it the best way for me.”
I’ll avoid speculation about how one
communicates to his girlfriend that
he’s committed to her for life while
not being willing to make it official by
getting married. But I think this story
does raise several concerns.
It’s likely that Gonzalez really means
well by doing what he is doing. He has
declared his love and desire to spend
his life with a woman he cares for. But
for centuries these ingredients have
usually manifested into the act of mar
riage - a public declaration, recognized
by law that you are wholly committed
to one spouse and no one else. Is he
communicating in word and deed that
marriage doesn’t matter?
Most who chose to respond to the
news story in the blogs (web logs) wrote
in support of Tony’s plans. One blogger
called him a “man of the people,” and
said: “When married, do you auto
matically begin to love your significant
other that much more? No! Marriage
is a title which serves little-to-no pur
pose, other than future headaches.”
Unfortunately, this notion that mar
riage is meaningless reflects the feel
ings of a lot of folks today.
This is evidenced in part by the
increased acceptance and prevalence
of cohabitation. More and more people
are opting to live like they are married,
but are not willing to make the com-
"I don't know which I'm most pleased to see go away...
turkey leftovers or the runoff election!"
We ain't fruitcakes; Palin paradise
Hey, y’all, ,
We ‘preciate all the left
overs y’all left out at the Spec
buildin’, but y’all can stop now ‘cause
we ain’t eatin’ no week-ol’ dressin’ an’
no melted congealed salad, an’ we got
so much fruitcake I been wonderin’ if
somebody’s tryin’ to kill us off.
80-Diddley he’s in what we call hog
heaven, cause he done got to see Sarah
Palin, who he says is the purtiest smart
est human woman what ever was, an’
shoulda been elected president.
When he heard she was cornin’ to
town, he ‘bout went crazy. Me and Lil’
Bubba Junior helped him. We fixed
him up two big signs, stuck together on
the top with duck tape.
One side said, “Take me to Alaska
with you.” The other said, “Sarah
Palin for Missamerica,” an’ he got
unnerneath the signs like they was a
tent and got hisself in there at the M
and M and M buildin’, an’ got all the
way up front. So if you heard some
funny noises when she came out on
that stage, that was who was doin’ the
squealin’ an’ oinkin’.
He was gon’ try getting’ in her air
plane to go to Alaska, but he couldn’t
Randy
Hicks
Columnist
Georgia Family Council
mitment up front.
In Georgia, it is estimated that
there are over 160,000 households
with unmarried partners. A recent
Pew Research Center study found
acceptance of cohabitation was highest
among young adults.
I have written before about how,
despite popular belief, choosing to
cohabit rather than get married can
be harmful. Living together outside
the total commitment of marriage is
strongly linked to future instability in
the relationship, reduced safety for the
couple and any children involved, and
less satisfaction and contentment with
the relationship.
The fact is there is a difference
between marriage and cohabitation.
Part of the distinction is the mindset
that each arrangement involves. The
cohabiting person is essentially in a
position to ask, “Is this working for
me? Am I getting everything I want
out of this relationship?” And there
is that nagging question; “Should I
continue along this path?” If feelings
change, then there is an easy exit. In
cohabitation, it really doesn’t have to
work because getting out is relatively
easy to do.
Unlike cohabitation, healthy mar
riage requires the spouse to approach
the relationship with a mind toward
making it work. They are already on
the path. As difficult as it may be some
times, it is crucial in marriage to ask,
“Is my spouse satisfied? Am I giving
my spouse everything he or she needs
to be fulfilled in this relationship?” In
marriage, there is incentive to make it
work that goes beyond satisfying one’s
own feelings. The act of getting mar
ried has made it clear for everyone to
see - this commitment is real.
Strange as this may sound, marriage
Porky’s
Ponderings
porky@evansnewspapers.com
find it nowhere on the fairgrounds He
did get in some of the pichurs though.
Or leastwise, his signs got in.
He ain’t stopped talkin’ ‘bout Sarah
Palin sinct, an’ he says he’s gone get
to Alaska someways. We done tol’ him
its freezin’ cole up there, but he don’t
care.
We got a lot to do with December
cornin’ round again, but I tell you one
thing we ain’t gone do.
We ain’t goin’ near the Perry Airport
this weekend. We gone boycott that
bidness out there, so this is puttin’
them on notice in case they don’t
notice we ain’t there. Hey’ Danny
Evans, we boycottin’ y’all.
They callin’ it Pigs and Wings, it’s
gone be more cookin’ of our kinfolks
than cookin’ any chickens.
is not just about feelings, even feelings
of love. True love transcends feeling
and is ultimately best expressed in a
sacrificial commitment to the other
person.
Author Maggie Gallagher, in her book
The Abolition of Marriage, had this to
say: “Cohabitation comes wrapped in
the language of commitment, but at its
core it is about anxiety, commitment
with its fingers crossed ... (It) is what
lovers do when at least one of them
does not dare to marry, to love without
a net. It is yet another confirmation
of the triumph of fear over love - and
perhaps the most destructive one.”
Frankly, there is nothing heroic, or
even romantic about solely looking out
for your own interests in a relation
ship. This is a feelings-based approach
that spells disaster down the road. For
a relationship to work, there are times
when it is necessary to ignore feelings,
and choose to do what is in the other
person’s best interest.
Some of the most romantic stories
and meaningful love songs I have
heard portray a love relationship that
transcends feelings to involve true sac
rifice and the ability to overcome dif
ficult trials.
I think about journalist and tele
vision commentator Mort Kondracke
who cared for his wife Milly, who bat
tled Parkinson’s disease for over a
decade before she died in 2004. Prior
to her diagnosis, Milly had helped him
overcome his alcoholism. This is a
story of true love.
True love and commitment is not all
about feelings and self-fulfillment, it is
about sacrifice.
True and lasting love means commit
ting yourself “for better or for worse,
for richer, for poorer, in sickness and
in health, to love and to cherish; from
this day forward, until death do us
part.”
Georgia Family Council is a non-prof
it organization that works to strength
en and defend the family in Georgia by
equipping marriage advocates, shaping
laws, preparing the next generation and
influencing culture. For more informa
tion, go to www.georgiafamily.org, 770-
242-0001, stephen@gafam.org.
We was thinkin’ ‘bout borryin’ us a
airplane and droppin’ sawmill gravy
an’ grits on ‘em, but that was ‘fore we
knowed this was gon’ be the firs week
end of Chrismas at the Crossroads.
Don’t matter what’s goin’ on, me
and the boys don’t never miss none of
that. We gon’ see the play, an’ we gon’
eat the Kiwanis pancakes, an’ listen to
the singers, an’ put on our Santy Claus
suits an be in the parade so we can
snuffle up all that candy, an’ we gon’
do the fun run, an’ thas just Sattidy.
They’s more on Sunday. We gone go
to the teaparty wearin’ lady’s clothes
and hats, an’ we don’t never miss all
the candlelightin’ an’ seein’ the tree
lit down at the Courthouse an’ hearin’
the Chrismas story, an’ hearin’ them
carols.
Prollem is, we gotta keep Lil’ Bubba
Junior from singin’ along, cause
the only Chrismas song he knows is
Rudolph an no matter what anybody
else is singin’, he’s gone be singin’
Rudolph toppa his voice.
I’m thinkin’ they ought to be some
kinda pig song for Chrismas. I’m gon’
be workin’ on that, an’ I’ll let y’all
know what I come up with.
"One voice can make a difference"
Pop your ballooned ego; all
will thank you for it
One of our reporters was approached at
the state football championship game between
the Westfield School and Deerfield-Windsor in
Albany Friday with a question.
Was he interested in a story?
The story was that a parent, reportedly upset
over a group of red balloons that read: “State
‘08” had begun cutting the strings and letting
them go. The person, a male, it was said was
angry that the balloons were on his side of the
field. Best we could gather he felt they repre
sented the opposition. That and/or they were
blocking his view. The story continued that a
cheerleader from the opposite team attempted
to intervene but when she stuck her hand up,
the man cut her. Not a severe cut from what we
can gather but a severe incident none the less.
We don’t know how true the story is - we went
on covering the game (we are, however, trying
to follow up on it) - but the fact our reporter did
see a man being escorted off leads us to believe
that it was.
Now we know this person represented the
minority of you out there. We “hope” this person
represented the minority. But it bears repeat
ing. Parents be reminded: You know you are a
role model for your children. There is simply no
room for poor sportsmanship or like behavior.
Ever! (And here’s hoping that if you take it to the
extreme as in the above incident, you go to jail.)
To do so not only makes the school your child
goes to look bad but also your community. “Our”
community. Remember us? The community (or
at least close enough - as in: “Houston County”)
recently named as the best place in Georgia to
raise a family.
And now, we have just entered basketball sea
son where it only seems to get worse. Parents
are closer than ever to the action. Because of
that they apparently feel the need - or window
of opportunity - to get that much more vocal.
Please, please, check your tempers at the door
or if not, just do us all a favor. Stay at home!
- Don Moncrief/for the Editorial
Board
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Staton, Peake get the nod as best for
the state
My choice for our best state senator/legislator of 2008
is Sen. Cecil Staton, R-Macon, who unceasingly
advocated essential funding for our state’s vital trauma
centers. For our best local state representative I would
nominate Rep. Allan Peake, R-Macon, for his successful
efforts towards actually passing legislation promoting more
tax relief for those restoring historic buildings. Both merit
our region’s appreciation for their actions to improve our
quality of life.
- Frank Gadbois, Warner Robins
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