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The Misclm-i a Phonograph
laye<l in a Burlington
Family.
R. J. Burdw'.te, the funny man of
the Ilawkeye, is responsible for the
following: It happened that Mrs.
Barstinglow was going down to
lveokuk for a few days, and Mr.
Barstinglow was inconsolable. At
one time he protested that she
should not go; he could not endure
tiie lonesome house during her ab
sence. And t.
that if she n.i
leel Ills olliee ;
So the bow \
with her. A:
persuaded hi:,
on her repc.i
would not it
aga'm he declared
'o lie would neg-
let his business go
So i.e reasonable, and
. At assim nee that she
iK’.in any longer than
three days he consented to let her
go. lie even benght her ticket and
ordered the carriage and paid for it
two days ahead, lest his resolution
should give. way ai d lie should
forbid her going from him. And
Srom shut time till tho morning of
her departure -Ur. B ir-ti:ig’o’.v spoke
is and moved about
a man whose heart
under mountains ol
‘1*
in subdued
’.villi the ai
was burici
Bef.ro si
Barstinglow
the sitting i
Then she kissed
liusbaml, and beg
Mrs. Barstinglow felt herself, turn
ing to stone; but the next turn of
the crank brought out an uproari-
OU9—
“Ha, hr, ha! Here’s to the o.
g. !”
That fanned her cheek into a
flame.
“ For mercy’s sake, Malachi Bar
stinglow.” she shrieked, “ what does
this mean ?”
Mr. Barstinglow now looked as
though he really did wish she had
never gone to Keokuk.
“It’s just as I tell you,” he said
with an effort to look unconcerned
and he w :. 1 1 go ! that was like a humorous hook—a I
gth however, she : colossal sueeooss, so far as its utter
failure was concerned; “somebody
has been talking all sorts of nonsense
into it just for talk’s sake. IIow
else could it get hold of such
dreadful stuff in our dear little home,
lovey
Mrs. Barstinglow didn’t say, but
she turned away, and the phonograph
asked carelessly—
“Throw around for the deal ?’’
She thought she would fiiint, hut.
didn’t, and the pitiless machine pro
ceeded to remark, with a variety of
voices - -
“ It’s my ace.’’
“You’ll have to straddle that
blind if you come in.”
“ Give me two cards.”
“ Chip one.”
“ I’ll see you little one and raise
you a couple.”
“ Push the bottle this way, Ben.”
•‘Ain’t you going to stay in, Har
ry ?”
“ Can’t stay in on a pair of sixes.’’
“ Call you.”
“ Two small pair, kings to bead.”
“Teiis_ and deuces. Take the
] ot."
“ Bursty, get us something to eat.
the cupboard keys,
If
SOUTHERN BANNER:
AriO-fcixer OcxxliiUj&’bia.l XaS'b'fcsv-
* BOX JOBS f-BEBMAN TttJASE- 8. ASOBBS .'S.
b
Jim Anderson, my jo, Jim,
"When first we were acquaint,
You had’t kalsomiued yourself
With pugilistic punt.
But now your jaw is Oiled, Jim,
You’re telling whst you know,
And I am shaking in my shoes—
Jim Anderson, mvjo.
Jim Anderson, my jo Jim,
We planned the fraud twogither.
And promised that we never would
• Go back on one anither;
We juggled the returns, but James,
Jim James, how could you blow
And peach on me aud Rutherford—
Jhn Anderson, my jo ■
Jim An hr-on. nty j'* J.m.
I promised we would pay,
But you despised a clerkship at
Three dollars every day ;
Old Kvarts should have sent yon otf
Consul to Callao—
But hindsight isn’t toftsdgb! much
Jim Anderson, my jo '■
Jim Anderson, me jo, Jim.
’Twas not a fair divide ;
You stole the mule for us and then
We wouldn’t let vou ride.
And Stanley M. is sics, Jim,
And IIayes is lyiujfdow.
And I’m the deadest sort of duck.
Jim Ander-on, my jo!
JUNE IS, 1878.
BLACKSMITUINGr
OUR NEW BRICK SHOP
—AT THE—
Comer Clayton And Jackson Sts,
Fust-Class Horse-Shoeing.
A Specialty, by the best Slioer in Georgia.
Ghmsmithing.
Gun<, Pistols, locks, etc., repaired at short
notice uud satisfaction given.
STFEL
Axes, Mill Pick
temper.
lioss, etc., of the finest
Work warranted-
PLANTATION WORK.
Plows, Wagons, Carriages, etc., repaired in the
best mtuner and at short notice.
Sole patantce of Bassett’s plow stock.
CTolin IvE- Basss-bt-
trnrch20-ly.
r. S. LtJCAS, \
DEALER IN
COAL COES ANE
LI
II,
Ioft the house. Mrs.
■t the phonograph in
m, behind the clock,
her disconsolate
id him to pre«
serve his precious life for her sake
while she was away, and then she was
gone.
Every day, during her three days’
visit in the Gate City, see received a
letter from her mourning husband,
begging her to come back and tell
ing her how lonesome he was without
her, aiul how grave like the empty
house seemed, and how the hours
dragged over his aching heart with ; Old "ir! !•
leaden feet. And in three days she j Gi<ln’t she?”
.aM. filled the solemn | “ Lord, yes ; told her I was going
house ’.'itn sunlight and laughter to keep, back, at home, to save ex-
I 1’ s and keep out of bad compa
rt turn to i nv.”
The evening alter li
th
2 pllO-
Burlington she took down
uograph.
“ I wonder,’’she said, “ what we
said last|ȣii its hearing ? It must
have been something while we were
discussing my visit. Or may be it
has caught the moanings while I was
away.”
And then she turned the crank.
“ Lord, no,’’ croaked the phono
graph, in tones of hearty reasurance ;
“ no danger of that; she’s sale in
Keokuk for three days; saw her safely
off, myself, this morning. Light
your cigar while I light another
lamp and make the room look cheer
ful.’’
“ Why,” exclaimed Mrs. Barstiag
low in a countenance of amazement
* : whnt on earth is it saying
“Oh, some nonsense some of your
visitors have talked into it some
time or other,” replied her husband
nervously “ people talk all kind of
stuff into a phonograph, you know.
They say anything for talk.”
Mrs. Barstinglow, looking only
half convinced, gave the crauk an
other turn.
“ This is devlish good whiskey,
Barsty,” ejaculated the machine very
earnestly. “You don’t get it in
Burlington, do you ?”
Mrs. Barstinglow gave a little
shriek.
“My dear.’’ said her husband,
looking now quite as worried as he
had looked when ho was begging
her not to go to Keokuk, “ put it
away ; somebody ha3 had it out in
the stable, and it might say some
thing perfectly shocking you know.
Put it away.”
Bat Mrs. Bastinglow, upon whom
the spirit of investigation had de
scended with great power, ground
away, and the phonograph, in a
voice marvellously like her husband’s
went remorsely on.
*• Not much; they don’t make this
kind now. It’s some old Mononga-
hela, copper distilled, that Mrs.
Barstinglow’s mother gave her for
medicinal purposes three years ago.
Fill up; there’s plenty of it, and I
can replace it with any kind of bev
erage when it’s gone. The old girl
won’t know the difference.”
BLACKS H K XC.’XSC
Coal a Specialty.
Man hoot I andall disorders brought on 6y mdis-
cret’on or exces*. Any Druggist has the ingre
dients- AUdrcM, I*r, W. JAQUiw-S A CO.,
130 \V<‘Nt Sixl 1ft .Street* Cincinnati, O.
“ lit ! ha ! ha ! Ho! holjlio!”
‘‘ Oh!” yelled Mr. Rurstinglow,
tin able to contain himself /my longer,
while his wife, more dead than alive,
leaned over the phonograph, and
ground away at the crauk, in a dazed
kind of way, “ Oh !” keep it up !
That’s right! Keep her agoing!
Grind it all out! Dog gone the
diabolical piece of black art and the
vile assassin that invented it 1 Keep
up ! That’s right! Believe a
senseless, diabolical piece of mech
anism rather than your own husband!
Keep her agoing! Keep her agoing!
Keep it up!”
And Mrs. Barstinglow did keep it
up. She kept it up and listened to
that phonograph swear and shout
and howl; she heard it shriek “ Oh,
my eye, my eye!” She heard it tell
some one to let some one else “ have
it again in the same place!’’ she
heard it warn somebody to " hold
his head over the stove hearth and
not to let his nose bleed on the
carpet!” and at last,‘as it assured
her very thickly and with some
difficulty, that was “ aban* of jolly
fuf-fuf-lellows,” fc and that it “ won’
hic-won’-g’ ’ nine till morning,” she
ground it into silence, and sank
back speechless and breathless,
while Mr. Barstinglow took the pho
nograph out into the back yard and
smashed it into so many and such
small fragments that it couldn’t re
produce even a steamboat whistle.
And now, when people go over to
the Barslinglows’ to spend a
pleasant evening, and happen to Ra,es,ow '
say—
“ What have you done with the
phonograph, Mr. Barstinglow?” it
affords the visitors entertainment for
the rest of the evening to study the
different expressions which creep
over the faces of Mr. and Mrs. Bar
stinglow, while Mr. Barstinglow, as
he answers the question, thinks he
would give ten thousand dollars if he
could find out how the -members of
the Paragraphers’ Association tell
lies so easily and make them sound so
marvellously like the truth.
Pope Leo telegraphed his regrets
to the German Emperor at the atro
cious attempt to assassiuate him.
«MSC3*Si»*SSaaSSBHBZaCSMf3rB3J»-M*3Z333i*3®l
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Worm Candv ayd Vermifuge, j —
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Tutts aud liambletou’s Hair Dye.
Auiliue prepared for use.
Long’s German Cologne.
Long’s Cologne.
Lead, Oil, Glass and Varnish.
Morphine, Opium, Chemicals.
Hair Brushes and Combs.
Perfumery, Toilet. Soaps.
And everything in the Drug
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C. W. LONG & Co.’s
Drug Store,
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septH.lv.
Tim’feed m~m stable, ‘
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deei3tf.
~ SAM HARHI&.
Boot said Sh.QQ-Htla.3ser.
ATHENS, GEORGIA,
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First class work turned out on short notice,
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TH [WHITE SEWING MACHINE,
f
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D r Tutt’s
iXPECTORANT
Is tl»e most genial balsuxn ever used by
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IVhat af.br rx nay about
Tatt’ti >'rpt‘<‘forant.
HadAsih naThirlyYears
it B.TIMORE, February 3,1S75.
“I have had Asthma^thirty years* and never
found a medicine that had snYh a haprv tfleet *•
W. F. HOGAN, Charles St.
A Child's Idea of Merit.
New Orleans, November it, 1876.
44 Tutt's Expectorant is a familiar name in my
house. My wife thinks it the best medicine in the
ypirld, and the children say it is 'nicer than
molasses candv.* **
NOAH WOODWARD, 101 N. Poydrtt St.
“Six, and all Croupy.”
••I am the mother of six children ; all or them
have been crouny. Without Tutt’s Expectorant,
1 don't think tney could have survived some vt
the attacks. It is a mother’s hlessinp.**
MARY STEVENS, Frankfort, Ky.
A Doctor s Advice.
“In my practice, I advise all families to keep
Tutt’s Expectorant, in sudd* n emergencies, foi
coughs, croup, diphtheria, etc. ’
T. P. ELLIS, M.D., Newark. N. J.
Sold by all druggist*. $ / utr Office
33 Murray Strtet, Arte lot
oaia to be the liglitest-rnnmn^, the most
beantifu^ cheapest, best, ami largest Sewing
Machine in the world. Ladies r.iut the i>ublic
ore invited to call and see, at the Office, next
door to Win. McDowell’s, C llcite Avenue.
J. BANCROFT, Agent.
feb5-ly.
CITY MERCHANTS AND GTHER BUSINESS MEN
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Bokson & McGiu-, Publishers, Hartwell, Go.
MARRIED
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The PRIVATE MEDICAL ADVISER
Books that are really G .Mean, PelMntrnrt.r. In all mat-
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both In one volume, ,1; In cloth and
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J OB WORK OF r ’ALL 1 KSCRIP-
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THE TREE IS KNOWN By ITS FPUJT.”
41 Tutt’s Pills are worth their w«-iirht in gold.*’
REV. |. R. SIMPSON, Louisville, Ky.
“Tutt’s Pills arc a special b’essirg of iho
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^ 44 1 have used Tuti’» Pills for torj«>r of t’.ia
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I. P. CARR, Attorney at Law, Auousta, Ca.
44 1 have used Tutt's Pills live years in my fam.
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4 ‘I have used 3 utl’s Medicine wi'h irrrat
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44 We sell fifty boxes '1’ntt‘s Pi U to five of
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44 Tutt’s Pills have only to be tried to cr-
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44 The^s is no medicine so well adapted to the
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AND A THOUSAND MORE.
Sold bj/ druggist*. SS rents a box. Office
35 Murray Sir, et, Hew York,
bom Him dyi
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which restores youthful beauty to lli.- liairJ
That eminent chemist has succ<*c.li..i inf
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Price $1.00. Office 35 Murray fTf.,S
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Watchmaker and Jeweler,
(Singer Machine Office, College Avonnc)
ATHSITS, - GEORGIA.
I have opened at the above place, where I
w -
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.1"
nt.’i
\l.». DESCKll.
• ■ • .yttiia-.
Editor & Prop’id
